Mum demanding payments each month

Are you the OP's 'mother' ?

This is nuts
so she doesn’t have any proof that you owe her anything at all and you keep paying her?

stop it. Now. And if she goes NC so be it. She is financially abusive.

@Lifeisinshambles have you had any counselling about your childhood? It might help in terms of cutting her out of your life.

Jog on you nasty piece of work

You don't owe her a penny. She sounds awful.
Sorry OP. My dad still gives me money noe and I 42 and has never once asked for it back large amounts agreed like a house deposit where it was agreed to give it back after time or something like that maybe an agreement is made.
But 20 quids here and there for food.. I would write these off to my kids the same as my parents did for me when I was younger.

Your mother abused you through your childhood, effectively abandoned you before you were even an adult by throwing you out at 17, and she is still abusing you now, emotionally and financially.

Seriously, do not give your mother another penny of your money.

Have you had any counselling or therapy to work through the way you feel? You are being abused and cheated out of money. Over three years, I frankly doubt that the money you 'borrowed' even added up to more than two hundred quid IN TOTAL if it was the odd £10-20 here or there, let alone £400 a month. Your mother is seriously controlling and abusing you - what she's doing is akin to loan sharking, which is illegal. Seriously, you need some help in understanding how horrifically you're being treated and you need to cut this awful woman out of your life. None of this - really, none - is even remotely normal or acceptable behaviour from your mother. She's a fucking monster.

You poor thing. I want to give you a hug. 20 is still so young. She sounds more like a bank than your mum. Though a bank might have a little bit more flexibility. X

Therapy will make you realise that the 'blame' is all on her - for being a fucking shit parent. It won't cost £400 quid a month either and there will be long term benefit from therapy, where as there's no long term benefit from being controlled and abused by your 'mother'.

I've been where you are now and can fully relate to your situation. Therapy and going 'no contact' was the best thing I ever did. My only regret is I wish I'd done it sooner!

It's a method of control, nothing more. She knows you can't afford it, she just wants you to be beholden to her.

Also, she's stealing from you. No mother adds up £2 here and there over the years and demands it back. And you will have more than paid back the 10-20 a month by now. She can't tell you exactly what you owe because she doesn't know. She's making it up and stealing half your wages every month, then threatening to cut contact if you don't pay.

That's not a mother. That's a common and garden scumbag.

OP you owe this woman nothing. She’s doing this as a way to exert control over you as you no longer live under her roof. You need to stop this now otherwise it will continue on forever. You don’t need to feel guilty about putting yourself first. There is no legal obligation to pay this woman anything. X

Ah you poor lass, you shouldn't have to deal with this at all. I'm afraid I'm another one who would suggest no contact and I don't say that lightly.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm sorry you can never give her enough money, you can never do enough of what she asks, you can never be a good enough daughter for her to turn things around and become the mother you deserve. To like you and treat you kindly and not bad mouth you to everyone she knows like you're the problem. So honestly, the sooner you give up on her and stop trying to meet her on her (constantly shifting) terms, the better for you. How could your relationship be any worse than it is now, when she is transparently exploiting you for as much cash as she can get, ruining your happiness and potentially your future in the process?

You owe her nothing she owes you. She will have been creaming child benefit that she was meant to be using on your living expenses whilst she put you into debt for paying those expenses yourself. Then she's made up a punitive interest regime which frankly, sounds illegal.

Stop paying her, don't explain and don't engage. Let her do her worst. She's a pathetic person and you are strong. Spend the money on a therapist instead x

You are an adult and there are always 2 sides to a story, you both sound as bad as each other, if you are paying back £400 month you must owe her a lot, its not her job to keep you or lend you money, you need either a better job or another job you can do weekends and evenings(yes been there done that) you need to stop borrowing money, get a loan from your bank and pay your mum back and dont borrow any more from her , its seems youve come on here looking for sympathy expecting your mum just to give you money , thats not how life works

She would be doing you a favour if she did cut contact tbh, she sounds awful.

It's sickening that a mother would abuse her child in this way. I'm so sorry.

I would try to do some reading on toxic and abusive parents/family members. You need to be free of her and you deserve to be free of her.

Did she give you the money in cash, or transfer it? If it was transferred you can go through your bank statements and work out exactly how much, if it was cash it was on her to keep an exact record.

That said I completely agree with everyone else saying don't give her another penny. From what you've said about the amounts borrowed, it sounds like you'd have more than paid her back by now. She doesn't need your money and she's trying to control you/play some weird games.

You've had some great advice about support available, it might seem really scary but you're absolutely strong enough to live without her xx

Sounds like no contact would be a blessing - move on and leave her behind.

OP stop paying her. I assume the YABU 8% are accidental votes. Cut all contact.

Sounds more like a fucking loan shark than a mother. Legally she has no way of making you pay as so I guess it comes down to how much you want to maintain the relationship if you think she’d really cut you off. I suspect she needs you on the hook to her somehow in a dysfunctional self serving way, so is just bluffing. But if I were you I’d be going NC with her anyway.

This is a crazy situation to be in.
How can you possibly ever be out of her dept if you don't know how much it's alleged you own her?

I realise it's been some years and you've already been giving her money but you do need to ask her what the final total is and get her to explain how she's come to it or try yourself and work out how much you think it is.

She can't just double what she expects you to pay without question and it's for you to ask those questions, surely if you do owe her anything the amount would have gone down as you've already paid what sounds like a substantial amount already.

This is a way of her controlling you, and extracting money from someone to boot is a despicable way of doing so.

This shouldn't be left for her to decide, or to continue, it needs sorting once and for all she can't keep taking from you.

If you feel you owe nothing again tell her.
You're 20 years old how long are you prepared to pay out?
There's no way I'd be paying anyone any money for the rest of my days just because they demanded it.

You've moved out, at quite a young ish age and it certainly won't be your fault if she cuts contact, as for worrying about what gossip she'll spill I'd imagine most people know what she's like so don't give that a second thought.

No, it is not like a business transaction. DON'T write to your mother about it.
Just stop paying her and tell her you won't be paying her any more.
She is financially abusing you.
That is all.

You're TWENTY???!! Christ. If you were 30 or 40 then it would be borderline, but given how young you are, YA definitely NBU. She's expecting you to pay you back money THAT SHE SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU ANYWAY at those ages. That's what parents do. They support their children until they are able to be independent (which, for most people these days, is some time in their 20s). Sure, some parents might charge their young adult children some "rent" or "keep", either because the parent genuinely needs it to pay for the things they provide for the child, or to help the child become independent, but this isn't either of those situations. She is causing you real hardship here. She isn't doing it to teach you anything, and she doesn't need the money, she's just using it as another way to control you. It is abuse.