Page 15 | Mum demanding payments each month

Lifeisinshambles · 2025-08-15T14:24:08+00:00

At 17, I moved out of home. This was due to constant, every single day of my childhood, verbal and physical fights. It cooled a little after I moved out, but they got more, almost spiteful? I believe they felt affronted that ‘I’ had caused social services to become involved (they kicked me out so I stayed at a friends house, I told them what happened, and they told their social worker), and therefore never really forgave me for that, even though they made it seem like they had for the most part. Since then, when I had absolutely zero money, was living on my own, and to be honest I still felt like a child, I would have to end up borrowing small loans from my mum, such as £10-£20 here and there for food shopping until the end of the month. From there, due to having pay back more and more each month but my income not increasing, I have ended up in a situation where the debt has continually risen. She is now demanding £400 a month from me, my current wage is £800. It used to be £200, which would then of course still leave me short for the month so by the end of it I would have ended up having to borrow more again to get food shopping etc. I’m not sure why it has suddenly gone up to £400 from £200? Basically, it’s an endless cycle that has been going for years, of me not being able to afford to pay that first £20 back and still make money stretch for that month simultaneously, and hence never releasing myself of the debt. She has recently, in the last 3 years or so, come into a lot of money from various sources all at one time. I’m not sure on specifics but she has at least £150k+, and will soon be getting her share of another £400k+. I have told her I simply cannot afford to pay her £400 a month, and how will I make it through the month with less than half of my wages left? She is threatening to cut off contact, and I assume will forever more talk bad about me to the rest of my family. AIBU, or is she?

TheTeasmaid · 15/08/2025 16:59

when i do replayments i write a log of what i borrowed and date it then any repayments etc do the same and theres no account errors

Witchlite · 15/08/2025 16:56

Ask her to list all the separate amounts she has loaned you and see if you can work out how much you have paid. Do not accept it’s £x now, without back up.

I would say that you are going to CAB, as you are struggling financially, and you need a statement of all debts. I suspect your debt will be miraculously cancelled.

if everything you’ve said is true, your DM is financially abusing you.

Original poster

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 16:54

FranticFrankie · 15/08/2025 16:48

Sickening to think of doing this to your child! You have done so well and should be proud of how much you've achieved; without any real help.

If your mother has no receipts OP, then I'd tell her the payments are finished. It sounds as if you've overpaid anyway! As a previous poster said, what happened to the child benefit? Did she hang on to it?
You need this 'debt' over with for your own stress levels.

Agree with a poster above; you can access counselling via your GP.

I don’t know what happened with the child benefit, I didn’t get it so I assume she did?

OP posts:

Crayfishforyou · 15/08/2025 16:54

I don’t think you owe your mother anything. But if you want to keep a relationship with her maybe ask her to clarify exactly how much money you owe her with proof, and ask for a more reasonable payment plan.
Alternatively tell her you owe her nothing and then block.

Original poster

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 16:52

Muffinmam · 15/08/2025 16:48

So this is debt incurred during a period wherein she was legally obligated to provide for you financially?

You need to shut down your social media (or just make it so noone can post to your wall and you don’t access messenger) and just go dark. Don’t contact your mother - don’t admit to owing her money just stop engaging.

You said you’re on universal credit. Do you have a job?

Show quote history

I was on universal credit when I first was removed from their home, I’ve been working consistently for over 2.5 years, and did have plenty of jobs before I moved out.

OP posts:

Babapapathepinkone · 15/08/2025 16:51

OP, you sound lovely-please listen to all of the mums on here telling you that we would never dream of behaving like this.Let alone abandoning you and mistreating you.Do you have any access to care leavers support? If this is something you feel may help, it would be good to have a professional to support you, and, to be blunt, to have someone neutral to witness your mother's appalling demands https://www.careleavers.com/
https://www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/help-at-hand/help-information-advice/i-am-a-care-leaver/

The Care Leavers Association

https://www.careleavers.com

PetiteBlondeDuBoulevardBrune · 15/08/2025 16:49

Billybagpuss · 15/08/2025 16:37

Ok let’s get objective over this :

Assuming this has been going on for 4 years. So 48 months

you've borrowed a non specific £10/£20 here and there. Let’s be over generous and say £100 a month. Which over 4 years is £4800

you’ve been paying her back at a rate of £200 a month again let’s say that’s over 3 years whilst you got yourself together. That’s £7200 that you have ‘paid her back’.

that’s complete payback with a 66% interest rate.

You have signed nothing and I’m guessing you’ve paid her back through your bank account so have proof.

legally you owe her nothing
morally you sure as hell owe her nothing.

and you are not doing the one doing the cutting off - that’s on her.

this is going to take some courage but you just say mum I have paid you back all I borrowed, if she disputes this ask for evidence. If she blows a gasket, which I feel she will, just let her stew. She will come round.

Exactly.
OP, could you send her this calculation and say that you don’t believe you owe her anything anymore. If she disagrees, ask her for the numbers but don’t pay anything anymore - and if she do send you a list of ridiculous amounts (ie not just money you actually borrowed, with realistic amounts) stay strong and refuse to pay.

FranticFrankie · 15/08/2025 16:48

Sickening to think of doing this to your child! You have done so well and should be proud of how much you've achieved; without any real help.

If your mother has no receipts OP, then I'd tell her the payments are finished. It sounds as if you've overpaid anyway! As a previous poster said, what happened to the child benefit? Did she hang on to it?
You need this 'debt' over with for your own stress levels.

Agree with a poster above; you can access counselling via your GP.

Muffinmam · 15/08/2025 16:48

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:29

I am 20 years old.
I don’t know the exact figure, she has told me it’s a build up of different £2’s and various different small payments from when I first left home, for eg before I had received my first payment from universal credit (had just moved into a supported accommodation, was very young and not in a good place at the time, I got a job soon after!) and needed to get some food shopping (just bread, milk etc!! Nothing fancy)

So this is debt incurred during a period wherein she was legally obligated to provide for you financially?

You need to shut down your social media (or just make it so noone can post to your wall and you don’t access messenger) and just go dark. Don’t contact your mother - don’t admit to owing her money just stop engaging.

You said you’re on universal credit. Do you have a job?

Nanatobethatsme46 · 15/08/2025 16:47

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 15:29

I am 20 years old.
I don’t know the exact figure, she has told me it’s a build up of different £2’s and various different small payments from when I first left home, for eg before I had received my first payment from universal credit (had just moved into a supported accommodation, was very young and not in a good place at the time, I got a job soon after!) and needed to get some food shopping (just bread, milk etc!! Nothing fancy)

Surely it cant amount to having to pay back £400 a month if it was less than a tenner or £20 here and there? Id say youve paid it back and more
Let her cut you off if thats what she wishes j
, it sounds like your life will be alot better without her on at you for money all the time

TheBewleySisters · 15/08/2025 16:47

You really do have to stop giving in to her demands. None of it makes sense. Yes, you are still very young, but do you really need this woman in your life? Honestly, you would thrive without her negative presence, not to mention thriving financially without her draining you. I cut off my mother when I was 20, and I didn't look back. If she was a loving, kind, motherly kind of mother, then I could see your reluctance to step away from the relationship - but honestly, what do you have to lose???

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 15/08/2025 16:47

Do you think your mum knows an exact figure she's lent you?

Has it ever been bank transferred with references like "money lent" or have you ever text her and is there a paper trail of "can I borrow.."

I'm just asking because it's most likely legally going to be seen as a gift but I have had a run in with a family member who documented absolutely every single penny lent to another family member and when they lost control they started taking them to small claims court even though they could easily get by without the money and they were just being petty, so I know how ridiculous some family members can get.

If it's always been verbal, in cash, or transferred with no meaningful reference in the reference section when transferring though it would be seen as being gifted money and not enforceable for repayment.

In short, nobody should ever give someone else money that they aren't willing to lose.

If there is a paper trail though you'd do yourself a massive favour dedicating some time to totting it up, and working out an affordable repayment scheme FOR YOU, not for her, and sticking to that, whilst also significantly reducing your contact and working on asserting boundaries.

Your mum isn't your friend. She isn't even a good mum. She is a manipulative controlling abuser, and she's not the sort of person you want in your life.

Hoardasauruskaren · 15/08/2025 16:47

Honestly, you will bemuch better off without this toxic relationship. Parents of young adults your age should be there to guide & support their child into independent afulthood. Instead, yours threw you out & abandoned you at 17, when still financially responsible for you! And is now demanding repayment of £1000s that she has no proof of you borrowing! Any decent parent would happily give £20 here & there to buy food without any expectations of getting it back. I’m angry on your behalf, your mum disgusts me. My DC are your age , I could never imagine treating them like this unless they had done something really awful. Cut her out & don’t give her another penny. It will be hard at first but you will be happier in the long run.

Original poster

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 16:44

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 16:39

I am and old woman and gave over everything to my two daughters. Let me tell you lady, if this is a real post. Cut off your mother and stop making people believe that someone has the legal power to demand hundreds of pounds from you in this country. No one has this right. Not your mother, not your husband or your boyfriend. No one has this legal power in my country also. Our children give us willingly if we are old and have a pension of 60 euros. Not that we ask of them.

I don’t think I have a legal obligation, it’s much more of a moral and emotional issue. It just makes me very sad and coupled with everything else happening in life right now it’s really hard to cope with

OP posts:

Billybagpuss · 15/08/2025 16:43

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 16:38

It makes me feel very sad to think of my parents, particularly my dad, not having me
I can’t explain it, but it really is something I can’t shift

But it’s not you that’s causing any split, if she cuts you off because you refuse to play her game any more that’s on them.

I do agree with a pp, do spend some of the money you’re freeing up on therapy. You have a lot to unpick here.

Newusernameforthiss · 15/08/2025 16:40

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 16:38

It makes me feel very sad to think of my parents, particularly my dad, not having me
I can’t explain it, but it really is something I can’t shift

I bet it does! They have absolutely failed you, this is a really sad read. Stop paying the "debt" and spend the money on therapy to help you work through these (entirely reasonable) feelings. Good luck and well done on all your progress so far!

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 16:39

I am and old woman and gave over everything to my two daughters. Let me tell you lady, if this is a real post. Cut off your mother and stop making people believe that someone has the legal power to demand hundreds of pounds from you in this country. No one has this right. Not your mother, not your husband or your boyfriend. No one has this legal power in my country also. Our children give us willingly if we are old and have a pension of 60 euros. Not that we ask of them.

Original poster

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 16:39

Billybagpuss · 15/08/2025 16:37

Ok let’s get objective over this :

Assuming this has been going on for 4 years. So 48 months

you've borrowed a non specific £10/£20 here and there. Let’s be over generous and say £100 a month. Which over 4 years is £4800

you’ve been paying her back at a rate of £200 a month again let’s say that’s over 3 years whilst you got yourself together. That’s £7200 that you have ‘paid her back’.

that’s complete payback with a 66% interest rate.

You have signed nothing and I’m guessing you’ve paid her back through your bank account so have proof.

legally you owe her nothing
morally you sure as hell owe her nothing.

and you are not doing the one doing the cutting off - that’s on her.

this is going to take some courage but you just say mum I have paid you back all I borrowed, if she disputes this ask for evidence. If she blows a gasket, which I feel she will, just let her stew. She will come round.

She has actually said something about how she’d rather I go to her than to any banks or ‘loan sharks’, and that she’d never charge me any interest!

OP posts:

FlorenceAndTheSewingMachine · 15/08/2025 16:39

My children owe me thousands, but I have and never would ask for a penny back as they obviously really needed it to ask for it, as a parent you do everything you can to make life easier for your children.
One of my sons put £400 in my account and I was quite upset with him, but he has been home on leave for the past 2 weeks and we have been treating him like a prince as the stubborn sod wouldn't let me put it back in his account.
Your mum won't go no contact if you refuse to give her any more of your hard earned money as she is paying a control game over you, it's abuse and hopefully you will soon be able to see that x

coachinghelp · 15/08/2025 16:39

Even if you don't know the exact amounts, I bet if you sat down and worked it out on an average basis (e.g "an average of £50 every month for 24 months") you'd have a rough idea. And you'd be able to know how much you've given her back from checking back through your bank details. I absolutely BET she owes you money. Worst case scenario is it's close enough that you could send her a text or an email with your calculations on and say you consider the matter closed etc. And then I'd go NC.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 15/08/2025 16:39

She is doing what a loan shark does. I would ask her how much you owe in total and get a bank loan to pay it off and never speak to her again.

Original poster

Lifeisinshambles · 15/08/2025 16:38

It makes me feel very sad to think of my parents, particularly my dad, not having me
I can’t explain it, but it really is something I can’t shift

OP posts:

Elsvieta · 15/08/2025 16:38

"Mum, you were so abusive I had to leave home and fend for myself at 17; what you owe me can never be paid, and I'm not expecting it to be. But I'm an adult now, with adult bills to pay, and I don't earn enough to be subsidising anyone else. I will not be giving you any more money". Then don't.

It's probably an empty threat to cut you off, but if not... Well, do you really want a relationship with anyone who only wants to know you if you pay them? Would you accept it from anyone else?

Stand up to her, and if she makes any threats or anything, ask her if she'd like to be on the radar of the police as well as social services. Or you'll still be living like this at 30, and 40. The barrier is in your head - break it down.

Billybagpuss · 15/08/2025 16:37

Ok let’s get objective over this :

Assuming this has been going on for 4 years. So 48 months

you've borrowed a non specific £10/£20 here and there. Let’s be over generous and say £100 a month. Which over 4 years is £4800

you’ve been paying her back at a rate of £200 a month again let’s say that’s over 3 years whilst you got yourself together. That’s £7200 that you have ‘paid her back’.

that’s complete payback with a 66% interest rate.

You have signed nothing and I’m guessing you’ve paid her back through your bank account so have proof.

legally you owe her nothing
morally you sure as hell owe her nothing.

and you are not doing the one doing the cutting off - that’s on her.

this is going to take some courage but you just say mum I have paid you back all I borrowed, if she disputes this ask for evidence. If she blows a gasket, which I feel she will, just let her stew. She will come round.

saraclara · 15/08/2025 16:36

Work out how much you've given her over the last three years. Tell her that you've given her this amount, that it far exceeds what you borrowed, and so you will not be giving her any more.

She can't do anything about it. She has no records and she'd be laughed out of any solicitor's office.

What exactly do you think she could do to you? Can you explain?

You said that she knows where you live. If she turns up threatening anything, you call the police. There really is nothing to be lost here. There is no relationship.