Mum demanding payments each month

Op, what has she said when you have asked her how much the total is? Have you asked her?

Don’t put anything in text or writing.

Tell her face to face that your calculations indicate that have paid the debt and more besides, and you won’t be giving her any more money.

Ask her what happened to the child benefit for the period you were out of the home, as you are looking into whether you can claim it retrospectively. I don’t think this is possible, but if she had a fraudulent claim going she will want to avoid any official investigation.

To be honest, it would be better for you if she did cut you off, because she’s still abusing you.

OP you really need some therapy. You are so young and of course she’s your only mum. But she has not treated you with the unconditional love and support you would expect. I have two kids are similar ages to you and they are positively mollycoddled compared to you. You sound so strong and incredible.

You can’t force her to behave like a decent mum. But you can stop becoming impoverished.

In some ways I wish you could up sticks and move somewhere completely different and start a new life away from her.

Who do you have in your life that does support you? Friends, colleagues? I don’t know if you are a nanny because you describe living with your employer. Can you speak to them? But you need to open up to the decent people in your life and learn to say no to your mum.

you will need to be really strong and learn to put down boundaries. I wish you had somebody around you to support you through this. Please do not give her a penny more.

Tell the vile woman, you’ve calculated your debt and you’ve overpaid by £269, can she pay that back ASAP.

If you think you still owe her money then I’d ask for a spread sheet or list of what exactly you owe. I can’t see how you have borrowed that much.

I honestly think she is just doing this to control you and make sure she keeps punishing you for her mistakes.

Are you in any form of counselling or therapy. It would really help to you to see what she actually is.

I get it, they are your parents, but you would do so much better with them out of your life. I personally wouldn’t pay her any more money and block her on everything. Stop contact. I’d she turns up where you live call the police. It is unfair that you have to live this way.

I’m in a similar situation. I told my mother to take me to small claims or accept the offer of £20 a month. She had created a debt with things like each time she took my dc out (she offered!) she would create an invoice of what she had spent . She then got us things as gifts and weeks or months later said it wasn’t a gift and we had to pay (eg a washing machine when ours broke) . She then told me I owed £1000 and she wanted £100 a month. It’s destroyed our relationship.

Your mother sounds absolutely vile. Agree that she actually has no idea how much you owe and she’s using it to control you. You owe her nothing. Tell her you are repaid her enough and it stops now. Quite honestly it’s a disgrace that she’s asked you for anything. Please do not feel guilty - she let you down badly as a mother and you owe nothing. She should be ashamed of herself. It sounds like you’d be better off without her in your life tbh.

She's taking the proverbial piss.

So let's say you borrowed £20 for food every month to see you through to the end of the month.
To owe her £1000 means you borrowed £20 per month for 50 months which time wise is 4 years and 2 months. Does this sound realistic? During that time you've also been paying her back £200 per month. At £200 per month, your debt to her would be cleared in 5 months. How can she possibly claim you owe her "thousands"? You don't.

What you need to do is work out roughly how many £200 payments you've paid and going forward make sure you keep a log of every payment you make to her. If you've already paid her 5 payments your debt to her is already paid off based on the figures above. If you've paid her 6 or more payments, you've overpaid.

You've done extraordinarily well to get to the position you are now in. You're independent and the chances are your mother - and I use that term very loosely - resents this. It seems to me she's trying to control you and make you beholden to her. Don't allow her to do this. She's your mother: her job was to protect you and give you the best start in life. Clearly, she's done neither. What's worse she seems to be deliberately trying to drag you down. Stand up to her. No, you won't be paying her £400 per month. You've worked out you borrowed £x, you've paid back £y, you owe her £z (assuming you owe her anything at all.)

I'm also curious as to what happened to the child benefit I'm assuming she was still receiving in your absence. That money was intended for YOU. I'd be deducting that from the debt as well given you didn't receive any of it.

Frankly, she's a disgrace and a bully. Don't let her emotionally blackmail you with threats to cut you off. Stand your ground calmly but firmly.

I'd also subtly be enlisting support from your relatives. Go to each of them and say you've worked out all the figures and would they be good enough to "double check them." This will allow them to see what was borrowed, what was paid back and what - if anything - is still owed. Your mother is going to look very foolish in their eyes if she starts prattling onto them about "thousands" and "£800 per month."

As others have said, you would almost certainly be better off - financially and emotionally - without this appalling woman in your life but that's your call. Well done once again for everything you've achieved so far against all odds. Wishing you all the best in the future X

I am horrified at this as a mum ! However if she knows enough to be asking you to pay it back then she must be have a detailed list of how it’s built up and the payments you’ve made against that. Ask for it and check it over before you pay a penny more - honestly I don’t think she has a clue and is effectively stealing from her own child to control you. So sorry you’re in this position - what a piece of work 😩

OP, I have a daughter your age and reading how you've been treated makes me want to cry. Please PLEASE listen to the good advice on this thread from the people who are horrified at how you've been treated.

1. Don't acknowledge any "debt". There was never a debt. She should have been supporting you.
2. Please don't pay her any more money.
3. Explore how you can get counselling. Your feelings of emotion and guilt are BECAUSE you have been abused - emotionally and financially. Counselling will help you understand that and you will be able to let go of those feelings.
4. Be proud of yourself. You're still so young and you've done so well to get this far. Don't let your family ruin any more of your life than they already have. Stop giving them that power.

I would feel awful and would never stop blaming myself

You clearly feel awful anyway so you've got nothing to lose in that respect.

You don't owe her anything. She neglected you when you were in her care. Keep your money and find ways to access some counselling to help you understand that you have been the victim here and you have nothing to blame yourself for.

It's the only way to start healing.

Your mother doesn’t want you going to loan sharks because that’s what she’s doing to you, and she doesn’t want to lose her profits.

You are still so young even now at 20. But for what it’s worth you sound very mature, having secured housing, a job and a car by yourself.

I agree with others when they say you should cut her off however I know it’s sometimes not that easy. If you don’t want to cut her off then at minimum she needs to provide you with a total sum of what you owe. Expecting you to blindly repay debt with no idea of what the balance is is unreasonable. Once you know the sum, you go back to her to her with a proposed plan for repayment that won’t leave you so short that you have to borrow more money. Given the average age to leave home is now 25 years old in the U.K. I think tallying up the odd £2s you’ve spent on your child who left at 17 is awful, but alas…

In terms of your own finances, is there anything you can do to better them? Is your monthly wage low because you receive housing through work, or are you part time? If the latter - can you go full time/pick up more hours/change jobs etc? Have you checked if you are entitled to any benefits, as universal credit can still be awarded to those on low income to top up wages? Could housing through the council be an option (I’d think your background involvement with social services demonstrating that living with mum is not an option could help your case with this)?

By 'they' and 'them' I presume you mean both your parents.

It's your mother who is asking you to pay back what you have borrowed from her. Most mothers would gladly help their child financially with a few quid here and there and not demand it back.

Unless there is something in writing proving that you borrowed and agreed to refund, she cannot demand. She can obviously try which is what she is doing but has no leg to stand on and £400 a month is ridiculous.

Cut her off, don't borrow from your mother, or father, any more.

You will earn more in time, things will get easier.

When I read your posts, I wanted to tell you to cut her off, you mum is clearly a terrible parent and doesn't have your best interests at heart and everything everyone else has said about how good parents behave is so right. However, I understand how hard it is go no contact with your mum and maybe everyone else in your family and how scary it feels especially at your age. Even if you borrowed £20 every week for three years it would be about £3000. She's taking advantage of you, and I bet if you just said that you'd paid enough and you weren't going to borrow from her again or pay that money back, she would huff for a little bit and then find another way to try and control you. If you were going to spend £400 a month on anything, it should be therapy to deal with the shit your mum has been doing to you. You've been so brave for the last three years, making your life on your own and you have people in your life who see your worth. So please listen to them and not your mum.

She is such a shit mother. Pathetic excuse for one. Cut contact with her before she does it. That way you can control this situation. Who treats their child like this

@Lifeisinshamblesplease look at @Billybagpuss post and see that you have likely paid your mum back way more than you ever borrowed. Don’t pay her anything more and reduce your contact greatly. Some people aren’t cut out to be parents and she sounds like one of them.
I do think some counselling/therapy will help too.

I wouldn't pay any more money. But first I would ask family members for "advice/ perspective/what you are going to do".

That way you are on the front foot when she probably starts slagging you off to them when you stop.

Not sure if anyone has already posted but it could be worth finding out what support your Local Authority can provide as you are an adult care leaver. In some cases previously looked after children can access different types of support until mid 20s. Have look at gov.uk support for care leavers and The Care Leavers Association. ❤️

Go No Contact immediately and stop giving this toxic, abusive person money.

Many years ago my friends partner was in this situation with a blood sucking mother. He got into debt on credit cards because she needed stuff as well as the money. He was eventually declared bankrupt. That stopped everything.

My friend took him in as a lodger with a rent book. She had her own home and was financially stable. He had a roof over his head. It was an awful time for him.

You have a boyfriend who can see your mother for what she is. A leech. Listen to him.

Do not pay her any more money. If she turns up you can involve the police who will make her leave.

Not every parent deserves a relationship with their child. They have to earn it, and some can't, won't or don't want to.

It is incredibly sad, it'll feel unfair, but please remember that it's not your fault.

They’d be thinking “About Time” or “Well done that girl!”.

Your Mother is despicable. Truly despicable. Does she bring anything positive to your life?

I honestly would not pay. What can she really do about it? She sounds like a vile and nasty piece of work. I have one of those too for my dad and my mum has passed away. I don't speak to my dad anymore and I miss nothing. I would just stop replying to her. She will always find something to hold over you