Mum demanding payments each month

No, lovely. For how long?

I would pay her one final ‘instalment’ (£100, £200, whatever you can do) and tell her you consider yourself paid back.

As per others’ posts, the maths ain’t mathing otherwise.

You have done so well to get where you are. Don’t equate money with paying for her love. You can’t rewind time.

Onwards and upwards. Good luck to you.

Say to her that you borrowed somewhere between £2 and £10 each time and just pay her back that each month - if you must pay her anything at all. This is not normal behaviour. I would do anything I could to help my dc and would never dream of taking half their money.

Please listen to what others are saying on here and put an end to this nonsense.

OP she's abusive and you need to find a way to build up your capacity to say no to her and cut her out of your life.

Presumably part of the reason you are worried about saying no to her is because you may need to borrow more money off her in the future?

I wouldn't send her any of the calculations people are putting up. In part, they don't sound that reliable. It sounds like, while you kept paying her back, each month the amount you borrowed increased, at least at first, as you didn't have enough coming in to cover expenses. But mainly because you shouldn't feel indebted to her for helping you out when she failed to give you the start a parent should. It's also likely she received child benefit for you (which is over £1k a year for an only child) while you were 17 and living away from her. Arguing with her over the amount is not the way to tackle this.

Is it still the case that you can't cover your expenses on your current income? Are you still borrowing from her? If you didn't have to pay her anything, could you get through the month?

If so, your reluctance to tell her no is somewhat sensible. Your first step in standing up to her is to get yourself in a position where you don't need to rely on her. Look at your budget, track every expense, cut where it's sensible to, and look at how you can increase your wages, take a second job if you can, find better paying work. Really focus your efforts on getting yourself financially secure. While you're at it, keep meticulous notes on what you borrow from your mum and and what you repay. This is important for financial management anyway, but also, I think it will help you a bit to see exactly what's going on. I suspect she is lying to you about what you owe. Seeing that in black and white and understanding how she's gaslighting you may help you break away.

If you don't still need to borrow from her, then you need to say no to the repayments. I think you should say something along the lines of "No, I've paid you back far more than is reasonable already. I'm not in debt in you.

But you could start with just, "no, I can't afford that much. I can manage £X if you really need it." Then I suggest if you pay her, each time you do, do so by bank transfer and text her saying "Have transferred you another £x, since you say you really need it." But don't ever say you are repaying a debt. If she ever texts, emails, or otherwise puts in writing that you owe her the thousands she says, you need to respond with something like "That doesn't sound right, mum." or the like. At some point you need to say, "By my calculations I only owed you £Y, which I've now repaid. I won't be paying more."

I would suggest, if you're going to go this route (and I wish you wouldn't, cutting her off will give you a better foundation for the rest of your life), that you estimate how much you used to borrow (not the £2 and £3 unless that happening 2+ times every week) from her and how much you have paid her back. Do not add any interest. Do not accept her figures.

You also need to see if you can access some counseling via the GP or a charity - you have had a really difficult entry into adulthood and don't have the resources (in terms of family) most people do. You could really benefit from some help understanding why you feel indebted to someone who has failed you so badly.

You have done really well so far - leaving home at 17 in todays society is really hard and you have survived and got yourself together. You're going to thrive. In 10 years (which will go far faster than you expect) you're going to look back on who you were and, I hope, feel proud of how you coped. But i think you'll also barely recognize the person you were. You will gain friends and find much better support. People who love you and don't treat you badly. You'll have a different way of looking at yourself and others. And you'll feel anger or sorrow (quite possibly both) for your mum.

Love, you don’t actually owe her anything, ok?

Stop giving the stupid, lying bitch your money.

I'd be telling her you want a written account of money you owe her from when and what for - if she doesn't have this how the hell does she know what you need to pay

I'd also be telling her to fuck off

Can you be even braver than you've already had to be and tell her that you won't be paying any more? Please don't pay her £400 or £100 a month, your so called debt must be settled by now!

You said you don't feel grown up enough, but my love, we ALL feel like that! You are doing it though - you're being grown up even if you don't feel it. I'm in my 40s with three children and two step children and wonder how the hell I got here feeling like a child still!

You're right when you say it makes it worse that you know she's come into money and knows you're struggling. She's not being very mumlike if she doesn't want to help you when she's doing well. Mums ARE meant to help out their children - I've been known to pay my 25 year old stepdaughter's phone bill debt off before now. It's normal to still want to support your children even when they're adults!

Be brave! Sending lots of love

Please don’t pay her any more.

For context of a more “normal” situation. My 25 year old sister took her car to the garage last month expecting to just replace one tyre prior to having her MOT the following week. When she got there the bloke immediately pointed out that all 4 tyres were cracked and completely bald and she was effectively driving a death trap. Sister didn’t have the money to pay for all 4 as she’d only budgeted to replace 1. My mum didn’t want her to get back in the car knowing it was so dangerous so paid for the other 3. Sister was stressing as paying the full whack the following payday would leave her short too so my mum said don’t worry, I don’t need it all back at once, is £50 a month do-able? And that was the end of it!

I have tried to say to her multiple times that it just clearly isn’t working

She refuses to hear you. You can't make her understand because she doesn't want to understand.
She will never "agree" to you stopping payments (or reducing them).

But you don't need her to agree. You don't need to discuss it. You don't need to have a conversation about it at all.
Just text her - "I will not be paying you any more money".
Then don't reply to anything else on the subject. Just refuse to engage.

You have paid her enough - vile woman

Please don’t pay her any more, you don’t owe her anything. Just move on with your life, she’s taken enough from you

Is there a reason you only earn 800 a month when you have 0 dependents and get housed via your job?

You don’t owe her a penny. She can’t go after you legally. She’s doing it to control and punish you. Just cut off contact. I know it’s hard, but worth it. Check out the MN Thread “We took you to stately homes” It helped me immeasurably when I was dealing with my coercive controlling toxic mother in law. Take care. Xxx

Oh god I want to shake you and hug you at the same time.

You owe her nothing, neither legally or morally.

As I said upthread, unless you’ve been borrowing a lot more from her than you alluded to in your original post you have repaid her in full with loan shark level of interest.

Offering less than £400 will not be acceptable to her because it isn’t about the debt, she’s used to controlling you, and she’s been using you to top up her income. She’s got used to an extra £200 in her pocket and is trying to squeeze you for more.

Why do you feel that you owe her money despite what’s been said on this thread and still want to pay?

I think you’ll find this question quite hard to answer and I’d be very surprised if you can answer it on here, but take some time to think it over. Also listen to posters who have experience dealing with narcissistic parents. FOG is often mentioned on here.

OP here is a link to NHS therapies.
www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/find-nhs-talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/

You can refer yourself online. Write about how you feel and your relationship with your mum and how difficult it is for you to set boundaries. The financial abuse.
They can then direct your referral to the most appropriate service.

Or they might suggest a different support service.

I wonder if there is even a safeguarding issue here with financial exploitation.

Or you can go to the GP and ask for a referee to a peer coach or mental health support service for young people. I don’t know what’s in your area.

But as a start please refer yourself somewhere asap x

No it would NOT be okay.
STOP PAYING HER ANYTHING.

Are you not reading what everyone here is telling you?

Wow, as a mum I'd rather make sure my kids have what they need than count every £ spent. This sounds more like she's controlling you - kindly, it sounds like it's time to cut the strings.

You owe her nothing and deserve so much better than this. What is your financial situation now, are you working? Living independently? If not how close are you to achieving this if you stop laying her? Best revenge is a life well lived etc etc.

The definitely isn’t normal parenting. I wouldn’t think of asking for odd amounts back from my children and I struggle myself at times and could often do with it back, but they still need me at even 19 and 25. A 17yo shouldn’t be expected to be independent, they should still be in education and parents get help with that if they are on low incomes. However I don’t know how it works if you were were removed and in care, but even so you were far too young to be having to pay back.

No, don't say this because you don't know how much you owe and you'll be paying it forever. Instead say to her "I know I borrowed small amounts of money from you, but it was when I was still a child and had to leave home due to the abuse I witnessed/experienced. As such you still had a duty of care to me and while you may believe I have a moral obligation to repay you, I believe you had a moral obligation to not put your child in such a debt situation. As such I am drawing a line under this from today and am not repaying any more money. We are even." You need to get comfortable with the fact that there could be consequences and you can't control them. Because realistically what's the alternative? She continues to control you and make your life miserable for how long? Forever? You have a whole amazing life to live, you need to turn to face your future, not stay stuck looking at the past.

Best to use what you paid her to get yourself trauma therapy. that will help you feel better not staying in contact with an abusive mother. please look after yourself, you need to be your priority. you cary a lot of trauma from the environment in which you developed and it is not your fault. it is the parents responsibility to take care of their children, to be present and attuned to tgeir newds, to make them feel wanted and loved and nurture their development as an individual. When that doesn't happen the children blame themselves, carry guilt, shame and responsibility for maintaining the relationship. A good therapist will help you connect with yourself and leave behind what is not your responsibility. You need to learn to place healthy boundaries with mother and others. Please put yourself first and take care of yourself.

Honestly - tell her to go to small claims court if she’s serious . I did this to my mum. People like this won’t want to 1) pay out for the application and 2) have anyone oversee the situation . Tell her you won’t pay anymore and if she isn’t happy she can take you to small claims

please do not pay this. Do not pay a penny. I am sure you have repaid your debt more than enough.

What you have to see is that for your mum it will never be enough. She lacks normal maternal feelings. She sees you as a cash cow now.

You will never be able to please her. You’ll never be able to win her love and affection. You are a remarkable young person, articulate, strong and capable. You do not need to give her any more of what you have worked for. I beg you.

OP, gently - you are amazing - you have come from a difficult, abusive situation and started to make something of yourself and build a new life. Your mother is cruel, abusive and calculating. It’s hard, always hard to acknowledge this and feel that there isn’t a debt to pay for her raising you. But, objectively, there isn’t and this is not normal or acceptable behaviour from a parent to a child. Read everything everyone has said, work out your narrative and start repeating it to her. Something along the lines of - I have borrowed around XXX from you over the last few years and I’m incredibly grateful for that. However, I’ve also paid you back around YYY which settles the debt. I won’t be borrowing anything further, nor will I be paying anything else back. On repeat. Every time. What she does with that, what your wider family do with that, is their choice. Don’t hold space for abuse in your life. You are clearly worth so so much more than that.

She is using this “debt” to control you.

I would suggest this as an attempt to end it, but if she cuts you off, and I know this will be painf, that’s on her. And you will feel better.

My adult stepdaughter’s mother who is overseas and has never been to the uk in the eight years my stepdaughter has lived with us, spoke to her abusively every week for five years. My stepdaughter was a mess. Then her mum cut her off. Three years later, my stepdaughter is a changed woman, happy, confident,smiling and no longer a shell of a person. Sometimes you have to let them cut you off.

So send her this:

Dear Mum,

Unless you can provide me with a complete written breakdown of any money you claim I owe you — including the exact dates and amounts of all loans and all repayments I have made — I consider the matter closed. My debt to you is, as far as I am concerned, paid in full.

From this point forward, I will not be giving you any more money. I will not discuss the matter further until you provide the detailed calculations I have requested.

If you attempt to demand further payments without providing this information, I will treat it as harassment and refer the matter to the police, who will require the same level of detail from you.

I am happy to remain in contact and talk about other things, but I will not engage in any further conversation about money until the information above is provided.