Mum demanding payments each month

Oh, read up on crab pot family dynamic. She doesn't want you to succeed or possibly get away.

I would strongly recommend seeing a CAP advisor. They will help you make a sustainable budget for the future and help you make a decision about your mother. They are interested in people, not money, and they really will be able to help.

Tell her to eff off. She’s no other to you. She’s evil.

This is one of the saddest things I have ever read.
OP normal decent parents don't 'lend' £2 or £10, they would give it. Just like they would give a decent stable home environment free from abuse.
You don't 'owe' your mum anything. And she has plenty of money. She is continuing to abuse and control you which completely on her. She hasn't got a leg to stand on. Although it is an awful thing to advise I would say to just cut her off and go no contact. If her care and support of you up to yet is anything to go by your future relationship with her would continue to be damaging and negative for you.
Other people you meet will love and appreciate you. Sorry your mum is not worthy of you.

I would ask to see the breakdown of loans and repayments that she holds. I doubt she has one but if she makes something up you will be able to see whether it is realistic or not. I am a mother and would have no idea how much I have given my daughter over the years and ongoing. Paying for stuff is just what parents do, in my opinion. I am just pleased to be bought a coffee now and again.

Quite a few jobs rurally (eg farms, stables) or in holiday resorts (eg chalets) are set up this way - with accomodation provided at a greatly reduced rate deducted direct from salary.

O OP you need to cut this woman out of your life, she is abusive. You do not owe her all this money, the fact she is counting a pound here and there for her own child to eat is disgusting.

Get yourself over to the Stately Homes thread, there are hundreds of people who have managed to break the abusive relationships with parents, they will support you.

You also need professional help, seek counselling because it really dosnt matter what her or extended family think of you, you need to think about yourself. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, I’m 49 yo and yesterday I had to endure being in extremely close proximity to my abusive controlling mother im no contact with in front of wider family, she was literally the only one in the room I didn’t speak to and it was blatantly obvious, it was the first time in my life I didn’t care and it was so freeing when I walked out at the end knowing she has no control over me anymore. I was even able to shut down others instantly when I got the “ ahh buts she’s your mother’ and “ life’s too short” comments that affected me in the past.

If you can’t walk away, tell her that you can’t manage the money so passing everything on to a debt management company who will take her debt out of your wage at a rate you can clear the debt and still live, tell her you need. Full breakdown to pass onto them. I guarantee she will go nuts and not produce it. Don’t argue just say this is how your managing things going forward and every time she brings it up stay firm. Try not instigating contact and if need be tell others what’s she’s doing to you, abusers get away with this because they control the narrative, you need to take some control back.

personally I’d be looking at getting her charged with coercive control and financial abuse.

By her raising the amount she wants so drastically, do you get she's intentionally trying to keep you short of money?

She's got you in debt slavery. This is not a legal debt, it's not a moral debt, you owe her nothing. She was and is a terrible egg donor who owed you rather than the other way around. She didn't fulfill the legal duties parenthood required of her towards you.

Don't give that bitch anything.

My kids are working and going to school and I give them some money every month. I pay for car repair for one with a car. I buy their books and some other stuff. I do these things because I want their lives to be a little easier. Your egg donor is making your life harder on purpose

Tell her the money from child benefit should be more than enough to cover this “debt” and don’t engage with any more conversations with her. Also is there a reason why your income is so low?

I'm sure you don't need another comment, but I wanted to echo to say that she does sound abusive. She should still be supporting you at that age.

I moved out at 17 due to an abusive stepdad and thought I was an adult. I now look back and think about those years of youth that were taken from me at a time when a lot of teens are still being cared for, supported in their future careers and having driving lessons etc. Sending lots of love. I'm sure you have lots of grit, determination and independence thanks to this horrible experience, and this will serve you well in future. Stay strong!

Op was she giving you cash or bank transfers?

Tell her to fuck off.

Do you not think you would be better off without her? I mean I know it would be hard but you don't her anything just because she birthed you. Mothers are supposed to help thie children, not take half their wage! She's came into all that money and not given you any of it. That's mental to me. That's the first thing my mum would do.

Ask her for a detailed statement of everything you’ve borrowed and everything you’ve paid back so far. If she can’t provide it, then you can’t pay her back. If she can and you really want to stay in touch with such a terrible example of a human being, work put a payment plan on your own terms and tell her how much you will pay each month. Though honestly you should just tell her to stuff it.

Do you think it could be ok if I said I’d pay £100 a month, and explain that it just isn’t feasible for me to pay £400 or £200?

Until it's established how much you owe, if anything at all you can't possibly pay her another penny..

You've had so much good advice on here and you've done well to get yourself away from your childhood home, but you must see that by continuing to pay your mother you're being part of the problem....

Listen to the solutions being given.

You owe your mother nothing. It was (would have been) her job to make sure you always had a loving home, a roof over your head and warm food on the table until you were at least 18. She failed you at that.

I'm sorry to say, but your mother is emotionally and financially abusive towards you. It's your job to end this abusive situation.

You have nothing to lose by ending contact with her and everything to gain: peace, freedom and your full wages.

I know it's hard emotionally, because we all want our mothers, but you are better off without her.

You feel she's threatening you with no contact, but she's actually doing you a favour. No contact with her is exactly what you need.

The thing is, we all think the parenting we got was as good as it could and should be. Until we finally realise it wasn’t. It’s taken me to the age of 59 to recognise that my upbringing was one of neglect and I only did it with the help of therapy. An earlier poster is right. Don’t pay her any more because it will never stop. Rely on those who love you for support, like your boyfriend. Don’t pay her any more money. Spend it on therapy instead, it’s not necessarily expensive, it cost me £200 and was life changing. If you already have insight it won’t take long. Oh. And DON’T PAY HER ANY MORE MONEY!

Finally and truly, this is the most shocking post I have ever read on Mumsnet. Hear us when we tell you, this is not what good parenting looks like. This is what extortion looks like. My dear, leave her in your rear view and don’t look back. Love can come to you from many places. Don’t do what I did and carry on trying for decades to get the love and affection which your mother is either unwilling or unable to provide. Big hugs. You can do this.

Sweetheart. You’re story has made me so sad but you’e done incredibly well to secure a job, a home, a car, a nice boyfriend.

I had a hugely difficult childhood with a challenging mother and I completely understand the fear of walking away from the relationship. I never did and sadly the cycle continued until she went into a home with dementia.

We also have a lovely son (21) living at home saving a fortune in expenses which I hope will help him build a better future. We regularly help him out (eg unexpected big car bill, petrol money so him and his girlfriend can enjoy days out etc) without question.

Any debt before you were 18 is hers to bear. You were a child a she should have been supporting you regardless of whether you were living at home or not. She was probably claiming child benefit too.

Before trying to appease everyone with the offer of £100 a month, she needs to provide you with an itemised breakdown for the last 2 years and what you have paid back.

This really isn’t an unreasonable thing to ask for or something for het to get angry about, as how can you plan for your future if you don’t know?

Are you continuing to borrow from her while paying £200 a month - eg finding yourself short at the month and needing the odd tenner for food?

Lots of luck. I’d be very proud of you if you were mine. You come across as sensible, mature and thoughtful.

OP, at this point I'd be telling your mother that you DO NOT OWE HER ANYTHING and that you have more than paid her back.

Be prepared for her to say some terrible things. That is on her, not on you.

She is punishing you for her own failings.

You cannot control that.

You owe her nothing at this point. Even if you hadn't paid her back anything, she should (morally at the bare minimum) have been contributing to your expenses when you left home at 17, or sending you child benefit or whatever because SHE WAS NOT A FIT PARENT.

You have proven that you will be okay whether or not she supports you. This relationship dynamic is doing nothing for either of you. It's not fair that she is like this, and you did nothing to cause it or deserve her behaviour towards you.

You need to put yourself first. Keep the money you are earning, use it to live. It does not matter what she does or doesn't say to others about you - if they know you were removed from the house and have any idea of why, they're not going to believe anything she says in any case.

I know that saying no will be super difficult, but this is one of those things you will look back on in later years and wish you had told your younger self, because all that's going to happen is she is going to excalate the situation more and more to control and punish you. You cannot control her, but you can control your response. This was never about the money. It's about control and punishment.

Stop letting her do this to you. Good luck.

You have paid back more than enough - I would use that money instead for counselling to take away the guilt you feel (which you shouldn’t)
I wouldn’t worry too much about our reaction either, close off your Facebook wall and go no contact, I confronted my parents about something a few years ago and was expecting a completely different reaction to the one I got, and have been no contact ever since, and feel so much better for it.
You have hundreds of lovely mums ob this thread including myself who would be willing to give you mum advice

I’m so sorry. She isn’t a mother. I will always gladly feed my children even when they are adults. At 17 you were a child she was meant to be supporting. I never advise this but I think unless she changes you’re better off without her. Sending you love xx

@Lifeisinshambles I think you are the complete opposite of your name. Hats off to you for getting yourself working and living independently after such a difficult time. You are a very good example of someone turning a horrible situation around.
I hope posting here has made you see things differently. It sounds as though your mother (I use that term technically as she sounds awful) wants to financially control you.
Tell or message her that you've done some calculations which show that you've repaid every penny and more besides. So there is no debt and there won't be any more payments now
Get on with your life, if she does or says nasty things now is she really worth being part of it?
Good luck with everything.

Please, as others have mentioned, do not pay this woman any more money...you need to work on your self esteem and confidence...she is controlling you and if you continue there will be no end to it.
You have done so well those past 3 years.
💐 Please trust us...you can held your head high....you don't owe her anything.

I don't think you need to pay anything at all. It sounds like a form of control and financial abuse. Your relationship shouldn't be dependent on having money stolen off you every month. Because it sounds like you've more than paid her back. You need to tell her enough is enough and if she kicks off, go public with the fact that you've given her over 7 grand and have never borrowed anything of the sort from her. Don't be taken advantage of anymore.

No! You don't owe her any money. Every month when she takes that money, she knows you don't owe it. She knows she's lying to you and stealing from you. She knows that it's making your life miserable. Yet every month, she takes your money anyway.

Forget her for a minute. Forget made up numbers. Why is it that you think that you owe her money? How long do you plan to keep handing your money over? You know you've paid more than she's given you and you know that she's lying to you and stealing from you every week.

So why are you still taking part in this charade?