Mum demanding payments each month

This makes me sad for you. Pay her a small, manageable amount - no more than £50. If you have to pay more you’ll end up borrowing back and never pay her back. The other thing to do is to actually ask her how much you owe and ask for her calculations. It seems a bit much and she should not be doing this to you. She’s your mum. Sending you a Hug x

My mother did the exact same thing to me years ago

My ex left me,with two small kids and 8k of debts

She paid it all off (which i will be forever grateful) and I had to pay her back at £150 a week

I did,every single week I gave her £150 cash

This went on for 15 years-there was always something I owed her

she'd pay for the kids birthday party,let's say £300 and I'd have to pay back a grand,another trick was to pay for the kids school trips (from £1.50 to £200) and it would get dumped onto 'what you owe me' and I'd end up paying thousands back

It didn't end,i know that at one point my brother was in thouands of debt and i was paying it off and she even stole my milk tokens,she took milk out of the mouths if my children

i lost my temper when I owed a £30 phone bill and was planning on paying it on payday (this would have been the Friday and I got paid on the monday)

She snatched it off the table and walked out with it

She rang to say she'd paid it and I 'owed me and I'll add it to the debt,god you are useless and wouldnt have paid it,ill have had to bail you out again'

I lost it and told her I never wanted to speak to her again and slammed the phone down

She went nuclear and has tried to slag me off to everyone and has tried to blacken my name to anyone who will listen

I don't care,I know what's said about me and it's only words-she has no power
over me and she can't cope with it

As soon as I walked away,I was better off in every single way

Her?she's a bitter old cow who only has her hangers on and family who can't wait for her to die so they can have her money

The irony is,she's a millionare-it was never about the money,it was about control and she has none

Walk away from your mother,keep your head high and let her say what she likes,its only words

You will be better off and not just in your purse

It's hard,having a mother like this but it's either that of she will milk you dry

I feel like Mumsnet has adopted a collective daughter here.

I also agree with the poster suggesting you go together to citizens advice around managing the burden of the supposed debt for both of you. I tended to find with my mother, calling her bluff with approaches like this would often work. God forbid an outsider might judge her for what she was!

Tell her you’ve calculated the amount you’ve paid back and it definitely covers everything she lent you.

can she actually prove how much you owe? Has she kept a record?

I think she’s mugging you off, and she sounds like a fucking awful parent.

you sound lovely, and it would have been so easy for you to have not coped. Instead you’ve done brilliantly so far, and should be proud of what you’ve achieved.

it must be difficult for you having shit parents, but don’t feel obliged in any way to keep in contact with them. We can’t choose our relatives.

you need to put yourself first and only do what’s best for you.

You are paying her to keep her in your life, all she is interested in is keeping control of you and keeping you down.

I’m sorry you didn’t get the parents you deserved, their behaviour is not normal and you sound like a really nice person so I hope you eventually accept that you deserve more than this continued abuse x

No don't pay her anything. If she comes knocking on the door just don't answer it and tell your boyfriend not to. If she won't leave tell her you will ring the police. This is what I have to do with a family member who has alcohol addiction issues. She can't stay off the drink and can get violent.

Hi OP

Hopefully what you’ve got from this thread is a realistic idea of how wrong this is. @RawBloomers said not to share the calculations you’ve had on here with your mum, and she’s right, any discussion will just descend into very stressful chaos.

I gave you a very simplified version of where you could be based on the limited info you’ve given us, I don’t believe your mum has any idea of any true figures either so unless she can come up with a verifiable schedule of how much she’s given you v how much you have paid, you have to draw a line under it. This has to stop.

So for you this is now not about the money, it is about getting yourself in the right headspace to tackle the situation. Sleep on it tonight then let the mn vipers support you to confront her.

Your mother is demanding regular payment in satisfaction of some unspecified debt... which will carry on into the future, for just as long as you are unwilling to say enough is enough.
This is financial abuse.
You're mature for your age & you sound very responsible - but the emotional hold your parents have over you is wearing you down, financially and I would say, psychologically.

I hope you find a way to just tell her she shouldn't expect your financial support any more. Stand your ground.

You’ve moved out and your mother is demanding hundreds of pounds in repayments? I’d give her nothing!! She sounds despicable and fleecing you for everything you’ve got. Move away, cease contact. She sounds poisonous!!

Stop paying her money, she is controlling you. Stop today , and cut contact her, she sounds nasty

OP this is batshit. I have a difficult relationship with my daughter, who moved out at 16. I’ve helped her financially a great deal by giving her money and buying her things she needs for her home. I would never ask for it back! Even the money she asked to ‘borrow’. I’d certainly not take half her bloody wages! Call her bluff and go NC. She is literally ripping you off like a loan shark!

No. Pay her nothing more. Keep your £800 (which must be hard to live on) all to yourself. She’s trying to make it impossible for you to survive alone.

Kindly, youre not listening.

You need to stop paying your mum money, you dont owe her anything.

As a mother, I cannot fathom how your mum has treated you! I want to give you a hug and comfort you because thats what a mother wants to do, not keep demanding money from you.

Please, please stop paying your mum more money. Not one more penny.

This.

Unless she can provide accurate accounts, you are under no obligation to give her anything. That money is for your living expenses and she is abusing your relationship.

OMG if I kept a track of all the on 10 and 20s my children “borrowed “ from me ! Unless she’s really hard up I suppose I’m lucky I can afford to drip feed them cash as needed. It’s the same with shopping at my house, only today my son took a tray of chicken thighs and some salad stuff for their dinner tonight, I assume she would charge you for that , I don’t know what to say.

please please wake up, stop all payments, as PP have said you have already paid back one hell of a lot of money, you must know you haven’t borrowed that. The odd fiver for milk doesn’t add up to that much.

honestly you poor thing, I don’t know if I want to shake you or hug you.

stop rambling Flora, no more payments, tell her she can give you a break down of everything you’ve borrowed and everything you’ve paid back, and also take into account any family allowance or maintenance etc she will have received for you until you were 18, you will make no more payments. If she kicks off, just calmly say “that’s fine mum, but this can’t go on and it needs sorting, the citizens advice have people who can sort this sort of mess out, you will make an appointment for the two of you to go and see them” stick to your guns, no more money.

Ffs I am so angry for you I even changed my name so I could comment - please DO NOT pay her back. Or pay her back just as much as you can afford at the moment.

I left home when I was 16. Social services were involved. My mum was unfit but because she was financially successful she managed to sweep it under the carpets for many years. I think most people still probably think she was great.

Anyways, after I moved out she still helped me, she offered to give me about £80 and she also helped me with my uni costs until my scholarship came through (different country). Unsurprisingly, I’ve been reminded all my life of how much my existence cost. This help lasted until I was about 20, 21 at a push.

Then she got very sick, unable to work while also refusing to apply for any help or retire. So like an idiot that felt bizarrely guilty, I started helping her. In total over the years I must have spent 40k and this is a conservative estimate. A full adult gets expensive quickly, as we all know.

I regret it so much. When it suited her she reached out for all the help she needed. I dug all my money on her and now I live in social housing surrounded by crackheads and I panic by the time I can buy I’ll be in my 40s and too old to get a mortgage. While I saw everyone progress, I kept myself poor out of sheer guilt.

DO NOT DO IT, PLEEEEEEAAAASSSEEEEEE. I cannot stress this enough: you owe her nothing, cut contact if needed.

Did she give you cash or bank transfers? I’m with Halifax and I can search a name and scroll back to see the total of all transactions to me and from me… can you do that to the date you moved out? It will total what she’s given and what you returned.

but realistically I would tell her to get lost.

No

You really need to say to her, I have paid back everything I have borrowed and more
I don’t owe you anything

She should have been covering your needs up until you were 18. I cannot imagine charging my dd for milk and bread to live on 😢

You have done brilliantly to come out of this a better and stronger person. You have a job, accommodation and I reckon the respect of everyone on Mumsnet

Stop paying and see what happens
If the only reason she stays in touch with you is because you pay her, she’s not worthy of being called your mum

You should be proud of where you are now 💐

So just to check, the debt is from several years ago. You've not been repaying then unable to afford bills and reborrowing each month?

Be honest, for how many months did you borrow and what is the max you were likely to have borrowed?

Don't just ask to pay less because you can't afford it, try and determine if you genuinely owe her money (ignoring the fact you were 17) or not. She does not have the right to demand money with no proof you owe it.

You don't owe her anything. You were 17. You were a child. She should have been paying for your food and accomodation. Fuck her, OP. Stop paying. She won't have a legal leg to stand on.

@Lifeisinshambles No - it wouldn't be ok. You DO NOT owe your Mother any more money. You are very young still, and it will be difficult, but you deserved a better mother than this - many of us have had really awful parents. It's hard I know, but you need to let her go no contact with you as she threatens. What support are you getting off her now? I'm horrified that so many people on here have reassured you, you shouldn't be paying her any more money and you are STILL wanting to pay her something every month. Could you get some counselling to help you to understand that this is not your fault?

She’s not doing it for the money, she’s doing this for control and honesty you owe her nothing, and I don’t just mean financially.
in spite of her, you are doing so well on your own and I advise you to ditch the guilt and carry on without her demands in your life
After what you’ve been through I think you will need at least Talking therapy.. Do see your GP for a referral and if you have something like a key worker or social worker, please open up and let them support you.
You are stronger than you know.
Warmest wishes to you

Not £100, not £10, not £1. PAY HER NOTHING FROM NOW ON! She has no claim, whether legal or moral, to your hard-earned money.
Please listen to the wise women on this thread. Please. I feel so bad for you.

I hope you know how strong you are to have survived this, you are a warrior!

I'm going to give some thoughts based on my experience that I hope can help you, but apologies if they don't apply.

Your mum sounds like an abusive narcissist, someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

My mom is like this. I have finally found physical and emotional freedom from her but it took work and learning.

Read up about narcissistic parents and abuse. There are many YouTube videos.

These types of parents groom you from a young age to feel guilty, obligated, responsible for their feelings and happiness. Who we are, our dreams, goals, interests, mean nothing to them. We are simply an extension of them and a pawn for them to use and control. They enact on us a kind of 'soul murder'. That sounds bad but we can recover and heal from it.

The sort of brainwash us. It takes many years of learning, self care and therapy to 'deprogram' ourselves from their 'cult of personality.

They teach us: 'You NEED me, and you OWE me.

You sound enmeshed with your mother, telling her about your problems. It's a codependent relationship. You feel fear, obligation and guilt.

In my 30s I moved from my home city to another city a 3 hours flight away, to be with my husband. The guiltvI felt for leaving my 'poor old mother' was excruciating. But my therapist encouraged me. She said I had to cut the apron strings. That I wasn't my mom's carer or therapist, that I was allowed to have my own life and be happy.

The guilt slowly decreased year on year. Now I only feel a twinge once in a blue moon.

I hope you get freedom. Put yourself first, they can call you selfish, all the horrible names they want. But you only have one life. It is your life, not theirs. Your life to live and be happy. You deserve it X

Edited to add: try to stop sharing details of your life and feelings with her. Don't let her into your heart. She can use all of it against you, to try to control you and keep you emotionally dependent on her. Put her on an 'information diet'. If you decide not to go completely no contact (although I think you should), if you decide to just have low contact, keep things light, superficial, what you ate for lunch, what books you've read, even the damn weather!). Go grey rock on her. It's your time now!

No please do not pay her any more money. You are being financially and emotionally abused by her, you really need to cut her off. Please see your GP and ask for help 💐