To ask DH to contribute some money for summer

It's basically "AIBU to ask my husband to properly father his children?"

We don't work out any percentages or spend any time thinking about money. We have one joint account which both salaries go into and everything comes out of. We trust each other to spend our shared money appropriately!

It doesn't sound like he is paying much more than you even though he earns much more? I'm the higher earner in our family so we split the bills but then I pay for all the activities, clothes, holidays, nursery fees and other extras. The way you are doing it will add up to you paying as much as he does but him not valuing it because its not the serious stuff.

But why doesn't OP feel able to talk to him about it?

This.

While you both apparently don't want to look at the costs, it does seem unfair that you are left with no money while presumably he does. You haven't quite said where his money goes and whether he would even have the money to give you - because of your arrangement there is every possibility that he spends what he has in some way - the bills, then maybe a bit of money for himself, and he might then put the rest in savings that are fixed and no withdrawals allowed.

Can I just say, as someone who is in a similar financial set up, people are jumping to conclusions regarding her husband - he isn’t necessarily spending happily on himself rather than split things fairly with the children’s expenses. Maybe he just genuinely hasn’t thought about it?
my partner happily spends money on things me and the children want/need - he’s much more cautious when it comes to him.

I was skimming OP posts before adding my own, and lo and behold...

As expected, OP pays for all the kid related stuff, not "D" H's problem. He deals with the house and stuff that actually impacts his life. Why is it always like that, eh?

Not everyone wants a joint amount but are you paying roughly equal proportions of your salary?

If you're happy with the way you split bills generally, was it just a case that you needed to budget more in advance for August? If you're saving on childcare, and presumably the activities that he children normally do, I wouldn't have thought you should be massively worse off (and you've presumably had this conundrum in other years)?

Whether it's reasonable to ask him for more kind of depends on my first question. He might take the view that you should have budgeted better/be doing more free/cheap activities if he doesn't have a lot either.

I wouldn't like fully joint accounts either but what me and DH do is each put 75% of our income into a joint account - this covers all bills plus joint savings / holidays etc. We then each have 25% of our salaries for personal spending. Our salaries are similar so this is fair.

If your DH earns double what you do then he contributes accordingly.

All this faffing about, "asking" for extra money etc is bonkers in my view, more hassle than it's worth especially for you who is left penniless at the end of the month! I bet DH isn't left on the bones of his arse by payday!

This set-up sounds crazy. I get the impression that your DH is the one most opposed to a joint account. His money should be yours and the kids' money too. I've never understood people who live like this.

Jesus some people’s relationships astound me. Imagine thinking it’s normal to need to ask strangers if it’s ok to ‘ask’ your husband for money for his children.

Living in penury all summer scared to ask DH for more….please is not a marriage.

You have nothing left at payday OP.

How much does your husband have left at payday?

Have you seen his payslips?

Do you know what he does with the money he has left each month after paying "his" bills?

It seems absolutely crazy to me that one half of a married couple is totally skint at the end of the month after paying children's expenses, and the other has money spare. How is that fair?

You're being mugged off, you should have the same money.

Our DC are grown up now. We always had separate finances. When I wasn't working I just billed DH at the end of the month. I kept a book and the receipts. He paid a cheque. That covered everything.

When I went back to work when the DC were 5 and 8, I earnt £8k, DH was earning in excess of £250k. He started giving me a monthly allowance for food and incidental spends. I started to pay for my hair, clothes, the DC's clothes and days out. DH paid for the bigger stuff - swimming, music lessons, etc. As my earnings increased, I.picked up more.

But what strikes me @snailandwhale25 is your comme t about how easy it is to spend £20 going to the park on parking and ice creams. We were in London and walked to the park and even now Richmond/Battersea Park wouldn't be more than a tenner I imagine. We used to take snacks and usually, if they wanted ice-cream we bought it on the way home where it was much cheaper.

We used to have great days put at a big garden centre, pretend the fish sheds were an aquarium, walk the wandering trail and I guess they did get an ice cream there. Another great outing for rainy days was a ride around Richmon Park with binoculars, getting them to spot deer and maybe having a little romp at the mini playground if the rain held off. Picnic in the car and a hard no to the ice cream van - we went to the shop instead.

I get it OP

I have been married 25 years , we've never got round to sorting out joint account - we've varied over years who is higher earner.

Now I work part time for very small wage ,DH is retired with state and private pension and savings.

We are mortgage free - from my acccount I pay council tax, electricity, gas and water - we put all food and other household expenses on credit card including DS 17 costs and when monthly bill comes in DH pays it in full .

Of course he's not interested. He's much better off financially as he earns a lot more than you and he doesn't need to contribute towards any of the expenses from the children.

You might not want to focus on it, but you started the thread as you obviously want to change something about the situation. Do you really want to continue for the next goodness knows how many summers pinching pennies or feeling worried about asking your own husband for money?

You started this thread because you're not happy! Why can't you talk to your own husband about money?

Why are you asking if it's unreasonable to ask DH for more money? Is it that you're worried it will cause an argument? Is it because you're not sure if he has the money to give you?

However you choose to manage your money - budget or not, joint account or not, you should never be worried about asking the father of your children to contribute to their costs and you should know whether he can afford to contribute.

Sitting down and working out a budget is exactly what I definitely don’t want and neither does DH.

Well no one wants to do this, OP. But unless you are super rich it is unfortunately part of being a grown up, especially once you become a parent.

Why not? It would mean there's one account that you both pay a certain amount into according to your incomes (since you'll never completely pool everything by the sound of it) and then you dip into it for things like entertaining the kids in holidays and weekends. What's your objection?

Ah so it's your dh who doesn't want to. That's not really surprising tbh.

Do you really know how exactly how equally it works out though? I can't see why you wouldn't have a joint account you both pay into, but keep your own personal accounts too. That's what we do. We set it up so that we both have the same amount of money left in our own accounts each month, so that it works out fairly regardless of who's earning what.