To ask DH to contribute some money for summer

You can take ice lollies with you....put them in a flask with ice cubes they will last an hour or more and limit buying out to one a week.....but obviously it's fine to expect him to contribute more in holidays.

Yes that’s true but it also means the higher earner contributes a lot more.

I guess it’s becomes a bigger issue if there is a bigger difference between both salaries.

Why haven't you set a budget aside for summer?

But honestly he should already know it and probably dies but because youve not said anything he's not saud anything. Its a shitty behaviour. Like men tell us if they can get away with it they will.

So talk to him. Get a clear budget. He now needs to cover what you've already spent not just contribute from now on.

I know you said no more talk about joint accounts but I wanted to mention how we run ours, which is all money is pooled and an equal amount of personal spending money is allocated to each of you. So there's no 70/30 etc.

You should both have an idea of what your short and long term savings are ,(if any) so you'd know if the big purchases sent you both over the edge and you have to tighten the purse strings.

This sounds harsh, but how are women still entering into these financial situations? How can you have had children with someone and not be able to have these conversations? If he is financially abusing you that is one thing, but we see these threads often and I just think it’s wild. Sorry if that’s victim blaming, but I know many strong, confident and successful women who don’t earn enough as their partners and just accept having less money because they financially contribute unbalanced amounts to their families.

A few people have mentioned that approach @Cucy, but it doesn’t seem fair to me. It leaves the lower earner with less fun money. I would advocate for equal fun money.

Oh hang on, I now know. It's a very interesting first thread 😄

It isn’t unreasonable to ask DH to send some money over, is it?

Why are you actually asking us?

OP please tell me if I'm wrong but I think your actual question is "I've been spending £20 a day on ice-creams and fun days out and now I'm short - is this a reasonable expense that would justify me asking DH to top me up, or do I need to recalibrate my idea of how much school holidays 'should' cost and budget better?"

(As presumably, if you had spent £200 on, say, unavoidable emergency healthcare costs, you would not feel unsure, right?)

If this is the case I'll make two points:

• I've just finished a year of mat leave and easily spent that much or more nearly every day, it's not that hard when one coffee costs £4+ let alone any food, admissions costs, parking, tube fares etc. With that said it's definitely possible to bring the costs down if you do things like packed lunches and coffee in a flask from home, go for walks in the local park etc. So it's a variable cost that could be significantly reduced, even if I wouldn't say it's entirely frivolous.

• Your core problem (as I see it) is less about having a joint account and more about visibility that can inform decision-making. If your DH is really short because of the broken appliances, medical bills etc, then it IS frivolous for you to spend £20 on ice-cream. If he's comfortably saving even despite that, then it's not frivolous and I'm sure the DC enjoy the ice-cream! In other words you lack the info you need to figure out how much you need to control your variable spends.

A joint account solves this by default because you can see the balance, but it's also solvable by just asking "hey honey how are we going on finances, I'm finding my summer hols run rate is a bit steep, do I need to tone it down or can you cover me?"

You could also look into adding each other's bank accounts as read-only connected accounts so you can see how much is in each one in real time. I do this with my personal accounts and joint one.

I think having separate accounts are great, but if you have kids then there needs to be a joint account too.

You say you don’t want to faff around working out percentages etc but surely it’s worse having to come on here asking whether it’s ok for your own DH to give you some money for his kids.

Have a joint account that each month you both put in e.g. 80% of your wages.

All the bills and child expenses come out of the joint account and you each have your own 20% to spend/save as you please.

This is more about the thought processes rather than the logistics of how.

a true partnership is where you adhere to your vows of ‘what’s mine is yours’ . If you both believe that, then it doesn’t really matter if you have a joint point/%s/one pays off the others credit card/whatever. It’s more the thought that it doesn’t matter.

but the ops situation seems to be that they both seem to think her husband should have more fun money because he earns more. Without considering that she’s doing more of the unpaid work. That is the problem, not the actual logistics of how you best split it all.

How does it run out? Our wages go into a joint account and we both spend from it. Simples.

initially I thought yes he should pay. But when you said you don’t budget I wonder if he is not giving you more because he has already spent what he has.

Why? That’s exactly how it works in our household. That being said, I have no qualms in asking OH for money towards something specific , and 90% of the time I don’t even have to ask. If i just casually mention something like I bought theatre tickets or that we went to the hairdressers he just transfers some money over whether I need it or not.

What I’m not sure yet is if OP made the thread because of her own hang ups around money or because of her husband’s attitude towards money/her spending. Hopefully she’ll be back to clarify.

Me and my husband are a partnership, one account from which everything gets spent, I can’t imagine having to worry about asking him for money! What’s the point in marriage if your not transparent with each other

We have separate finances too but DC's costs are shared just like bills such as the mortgage and nursery fees.

A joint account wouldn't work for us.

ask for some money for activities for HIS children. why are you the only paying?

and stop driving to the park, go to the closest one and walk.

DH does earn more than me but he also pays for more

This is fine, but does he also have more personal disposable money than you do? Does he get to spend more on savings/hobbies/socialising than you do? Something is going wrong if so.

You are a partnership. You should be equal in this partnership, especially as you are married and children are involved. I would really struggle to feel it was fair if one of us in my marriage had more disposable money than the other. How is it ok that you have no money at all, but he presumably has some money if you think he can transfer some over to you?

It is also very telling that you don't know whether you should ask him for some more money. If, between the two of you, you don't want to do budgeting, then of course it's ok to ask him to contribute towards the kids.

I get this , we only have joint to pay bills we both like having our own money so if I go out with kids I just assume I am paying , if he took the kids out without me I would assume he was paying … if it’s going to be really out of kilter for whatever reason we would however send each other some money

@snailandwhale25 sirely though no matter how you split it you need to budget, have an idea of incoming vs outgoings and adjust accordingly

I personally ( as an old doll in her 60's ) dont understand separate finances - esp if there are children

Me and DH, he came with 2 kids, and we do have some separate accounts ( hes a spender, Im a saver ) we have always had a joint account Living costs - for everything - from mortgage to the Sunday roast - all worked out, Then He paid more of his left overs into child care - dont give a poo where he spends his " surplus " as long as OUR bills are met

These are your children - you and partner? Therefore you need, if keeping finances separate work out percentages . If you are earring a thousand and its sorting you 500., and hes earring 2k and only spending 500 - that's not right

You have to speak up and have these conversations

Do you have equal amounts of savings and pensions. If you don’t then sort that out. And they are his kids so them and food should come out of a joint account.

I doubt most of this very much.

Maybe she’s a saver and he’s a spender.
Maybe (outside summer months/august) she’s actually better off keeping all her wages.
Maybe she has expenses she doesn’t want her husband to know about that wouldn’t be covered by the leftovers.
Maybe her husband has debts that she doesn’t want to contribute to.

I can't see any benefit in separate accounts. Is it just because you feel guilty spending joint money? A secret porn subscription? Or you can't trust your OH not to take the piss and spend all of it?