To ask DH to contribute some money for summer

I think to be honest your position is just really confusing. You both picked a random set of items to pay for that can go up and down in cost, you both earn different amounts, you have no reason to believe that the split you have is actually fair for either of you because you've never worked it out. You're fretting about whether you should ask him for money - but as a family unit neither of you understand the costs, so you have no idea if you should be budgeting better or sharing money differently. Yet berating posters who try to give you simple solutions.

If you refuse to find out what income and expenses your family unit has as a whole, then your only option is to budget better for whatever bits you agreed to pay for and hope your DH doesn't go bankrupt either. Sounds like an unnecessarily difficult way to live life, but you do you.

Not sure what you want from this thread. You don't want to change things. You don't want to talk to him about it. You think things are fair. You don't want a joint account. This month is an anomaly.

So stop moaning about it then. Just carry on.

Ps i get it re the joint account. We have one but barely use it. Id be loaded if DH paid mortgage/bills and i paid the kids stuff. I don't think its a particularly unfair arrangement.

However... i do think when you split it that way (its a common approach) men can lose sight of just how expensive childcare , hobbies, clothes etc for kids have become. He is probably assuming you are flush with cash. Worth sitting down with him to talk through how much things are costing simply so he understands that area of your joint outgoings. Make sure you know what the electric/gas etc and mortgage are costing too - you need to be aware.

Of course not

But honestly i think people think kids need constant entertainment and they really don't.

We had our annual camping holiday but apart from that we've just had:

• a visit from grandma (free)
• going to local parks in walking/biking distance (free)
• walks in the woods (free)
• cycle to the duck pond (free)
• local library (free)
• playing at home (free)

I refuse to buy ice creams out all the time, its extortionate and unecessary!

I find it quite interesting that people talk about childcare costs and kids clothes/toys in the same breath.

Childcare costs are almost the size of my mortgage. 100% a joint cost which is budgeted upfront and treated as a major, serious part of our household finances.

Bundles of baby clothes off Vinted... I barely notice this as part of my general spending! We each just randomly buy toys and I'm sure I spend more but it hardly registers next to the gigantic mountain that is nursery costs...!!

@snailandwhale25 my husband and I have our salaries paid into our sole account but we have a joint account that we both pay into and all the bills, food shop and kids expenses come out of it. We pay the same in every month and some months we have around 400 left per month and some months we have Zero if it’s been a busy month but when there is money left over I stick it in a joint savings account and then if there is a month that’s more expensive I can just use the money in the joint savings. Would something like that work? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for money, I’m sure your husband wouldn’t want you to struggle or your kids to miss out. 🥰

What if you had a joint account that you used for kid stuff? Put in the same amount every month and use as necessary? We have separate bank accounts too, mainly as we married later on in life and had things all set up, so we set up a joint one to pay joint things from like household bills, groceries and anything kid related regardless of who is looking after them.

Because they dont have the joint account you do for shared expenses which should include kids stuff, bills, mortgage etc.

we completely share which for me at least seems sensible. Who wants to keep adding up and working out percentages and transferring money when as a married couple you are one entity? If step children are involved or its a second marriage or some other complexities are involved then maybe do something else but otherwise no.

I am failing to understand this thread.

DH has his own account in which he gets paid his salary.
I have my own account in which I get paid my salary.

we have a separate joint account in which we contribute the sum total of mortgage, all bills, and all shared expenses including everything to do with kids. thee contributions are weighted by salary.

He retains his own salary account with which he does what he pleases re spending and saving, after contributions to joint account for expenses have been paid. I do the same with my salary account.

Why does this “not work” ?

Over my relationship I’ve had entirely separate finances, then a joint account for mortgage, bills and food, and then finally - when the marriage and children stage started - the joint account became the main account with our personal accounts for our separate ‘fun’ money paid into from the joint account. So much easier, and reflective of the actual ownership of money in a marriage!

Can I ask, is this his decision or a joint decision for you to separate finances? Because my gut is telling me that it was his choice as he earns more and he can contribute as little as possible to the household and kids and pocket the rest for himself???? What is his contribution towards the kids then??

No. You’re wrong. A joint bank account would work for all sorts of reasons.

Yes then I'd take that out of it. But this is why it's so convoluted. Just share the account.

Since you are married you are one entity. Better to have one main account from which you both draw - you could put personal fun money into separate accounts. You should tell DH you need more money - half of what you have spent/will spend needs to come from him (and it doesn't matter if he pays all the electricity bills, because if you are paying solely for the DC's holiday activities and for food for everyone that is the same difference).
I have said YABU that you need to ask if it's reasonable to ask him for more money! Of course he should be paying for his kids.

While paying half of the mortgage and all the other bills …right?

The logical answer is a joint account for shared expenses - household and kids. Decide what is a fair amount for each person and pay it in.

Personally I don't like the set up of the higher earner paying for the mortgage and bills aka important and the lower earner 'just' paying for kids' clothes, food, childcare - which could easily be more! I think it should be pooled regardless of the proportion so that both are contributing to everything. I suppose it makes no difference but to me it minimises the contribution of the lower earner as being less important and non essential. That's just me though - I know friends happy with that set up.

Since you don't want that, the other option is to keep track of how much you spend and tell him you need ££ more. You could even use the splitwise app or similar so you can just add the numbers quickly every day if it's a struggle to keep track.

I don't think there is another way really. You will just feel resentment if you think you are paying more than your fair share - and if you don't keep track, there is no way of knowing.

But of course you can ask him - just say it's costing more than you'd thought and can you have another £.

How come you are the one sorting the DC over the holidays? I always wonder why childcare costs, children’s clothing, toys etc usually come out of mum’s pocket. Makes them the default parent, so much better for dad to pay some of those costs.

If I didn't have a joint account would be billing my DH for the childcare and household management I provide in that scenario and at the hourly rate of where I would be at in my career if I hadn't facilitated his.

me and DP have separate finances, always have done, works for us too. We are 21 years in, He pays for a lot, as he works more hours and I only work part time as to care for DS. If I need any extra help gives it to me no questions asked. I’m sure he won’t have an issue to contribute.

I hate the thought of having to ask for money! You need to budget for the summer holidays and make sure your DH puts money into the account in proportion to his wages.

If he earns 10k per month and pays the £3k bills and you earn 2k per month and pay the £1500 nursery and £500 clothes etc (figures used for ease of reference). You are the one losing out as your DH has 7k left over and you’re scrambling around arguing with the kids over how many ice creams they can have.

You don’t need a joint account (that would make life easier but if you have a particular aversion to it then so be it) but you need to have more clarity on your finances as a married couple.

We have our individual accounts and we share an account for bills and outgoings. We both direct debit our share according to our salary. It’s so much easier!

Hey op a joint account for these things would be more beneficial he can still put the same amount in as he does now but if anything serious ever happened to him you would have no access to his account. We have both and as long as the bills are paid that’s the main thing are you involved in any of the bills if you needed to change anything or contact people if something happened to him where he could not do anything himself?

But you only have to do this once. It's not a big job. Just add up all the joint expenses.

I'd spend far more time thinking about money if I didn't have a proper budget. Did you not start the summer with an idea of how much you had to spend on days out etc? How have you then ended up spending more?

Ask him for money for the reasons you've outlined. No you shouldn't be shouldering the entire cost for entertaining your children over the summer. And you definitely don't need to justify having separate accounts in the first place.

Food is very expensive. He should be financing this, not you.

Fair enough you don't want a joint account. However i find it odd you are married with a family and can't discuss finances? It should surely be a simple conversation - here's how much summer has cost this needs to be a shared expense. Is your partner the saver and you are embarrassed to bring it up or total how much you have frittered? Summer hols are expensive and you really do need a budget for them theres extra food, activities, days out plus if you have school age kids the cost of new uniform, shoes etc