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AIBU?

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Original poster

Person I knew a long time ago wants us to give her son a bit of a holiday - would you?

260 replies

Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:27

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff.

Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane.

They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook.

Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city.

I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

OP posts:
Cinaferna · 15/08/2025 16:04

My parents loved to put up waifs and strays and would also land themselves on other people. They never paid for accommodation anywhere. They always 'stayed with friends". My dad was forever saying to me stuff like Carmen/Pierre/Ingrid are desperate for you to come and stay with them in Madrid/Biarritz/Stockholm. I'd never met these people and my idea of holiday hell is staying with strangers who don't want you there. But...there is quite a culture of it among people who live and travel internationally. My nieces and nephews turn up at short notice with mates in tow, from all over the world. They just expect it and I don't mind. They are family. Though some of the mates take the piss.

Aspidistree · 15/08/2025 16:04

I think it's fine to say no, but my parents moved in circles where this was a completely normal request. Cousins who spent whole summers over here passing between various parents' friends and relatives. I think it operated in a vaguely "pay it forward" kind of way - parents have probably hosted other friends' random offspring and now it is their "turn". It doesn't always need to be directly reciprocal, but it would open the door to a free holiday for your own DC in a future gap year.

So I would be a bit hesitant to judge it in isolation. Either way, no need for you to say yes.

Skissors · 15/08/2025 16:02

The message could be a scam ?

Inshockandsome · 15/08/2025 16:02

The son could be a psycho. Or have serious issues. It is a no from me.

theresnolimits · 15/08/2025 16:02

No. In fact, we’ve just said no to a European friend’s daughter who wanted to come and practise her English.

We live on the edges of a small town and would need to take this stranger everywhere. We often host friends/ overseas family and it’s costly and time consuming. Also, tbh, they’d have a much better time in a hostel with people their own age, not ancients like us.

Spend the money and don’t impose on others is my motto.

pigsDOfly · 15/08/2025 16:00

You need to be a bit wary when taking in complete strangers.

Many years ago when my exh's parents were still alive they were contacted, out of the blue, by two distant cousins from another country that the in-laws has a connection to saying that they were relations of xxx and asking if they could come and stay with my in-laws because they had business in their city.

This wasn't unusual in their culture and in due course the two men arrive and stayed for roughly a couple of weeks. No money was offered and in-laws provided them with breakfast and dinner every day of their stay.

Next time they had business in the city they came again; this went on once or twice a year for several years. No money was ever offered for food.

After they'd been coming for a couple of years they'd decided that they would only eat food prepared with absolutely no salt in it, a fact that they relayed to my MIL who was now, not only expected to feed them for nothing but to cook the food in the manner requested; this wasn't a case of cutting down on salt, every bit of the food had to be completely free of salt.

I think she did it a few times just to be hospitable but at some point they stopped coming. Whether it was because MIL had refuse to cater for them to their liking or their business folded I can't remember.

Some guests just aren't worth the trouble.

ReignOfError · 15/08/2025 15:59

My husband is American, so I tested this on him in case there is a bit of a culture clash. He says tell them to fuck off, so I guess there isn’t.

Bluebellwood129 · 15/08/2025 15:59

Iris2020 · 15/08/2025 15:01

I will go against the trend. It's frequently done in my circle. Have done it often for old friends, friends of friends, distant relatives we'd never met.
Have been welcomed likewise.

Have often been asked to find families to host young people in the summer, although it's increasingly difficult.

It feels such a sad, self-centred world we live in.

My circle is the same. I wouldn't think twice about doing this but it seems this isn't the cultural norm in the UK - perhaps because for some people money is tight, homes are small, etc.

Original poster
Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 15:59

@Pluvia "My concern would be that you sound disapproving and affronted, OP. It sounds as if you don't generally host. All those years and you are still full of resentment and disdain for your former friend. I'd love to hear her pov about how your relationship foundered. So if you can't park that negativity, say no to the son."

I AM disapproving and affronted! But I wouldn't have given it a thought, not now, 18+ years on, if I hadn't been given the task of working out whether or not I should show kindness and largesse to someone I haven't seen since he was a baby! Who would barely know who I am. And I find I don't want to.

Her pov and indeed mine don't really figure in the story (I only added it because I didn't want people saying 'but I would of course do that for a friend') - the nub of it is we are no longer friends and haven't been for approaching two decades, so it's cheeky fuckery no?

(PS I do host! People I like and love! Not too often admittedly as we live close.)

OP posts:
SecretNameAsImShy · 15/08/2025 15:58

No definitely not. CF

bert3400 · 15/08/2025 15:58

Definitely not, I have 2 teenagers staying with us at the moment, one I hadn't met, the other is my nephew (and Lovely) but Jesus they expect us to pay for everything, the mess they have made in their bedrooms is disgusting, I honestly can't wait till they go on Monday. My nephew is welcome but a stranger who I don't even know is really taking the piss. Think very carefully before you commit

Toothpastestain · 15/08/2025 15:57

Definitely reply, in case they assume silence is a yes
Definitely say no that you can't help
Be very clear!

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 15/08/2025 15:55

Someone who's barely been in your life for 20 years and who showed themselves to be twats?

Nah.
Fuck that.

I would reply though, you dont want their kid showing up on your doorstep.

A simple no thank you should suffice.

NamechangeNightNurse · 15/08/2025 15:53

Iris2020 · 15/08/2025 15:01

I will go against the trend. It's frequently done in my circle. Have done it often for old friends, friends of friends, distant relatives we'd never met.
Have been welcomed likewise.

Have often been asked to find families to host young people in the summer, although it's increasingly difficult.

It feels such a sad, self-centred world we live in.

I knew someone would bring out the saaaad!

Do I want to host a strange person in my house
No
Am I sad about it
No

😂

CoffeeCantata · 15/08/2025 15:53

Iris2020 · 15/08/2025 15:01

I will go against the trend. It's frequently done in my circle. Have done it often for old friends, friends of friends, distant relatives we'd never met.
Have been welcomed likewise.

Have often been asked to find families to host young people in the summer, although it's increasingly difficult.

It feels such a sad, self-centred world we live in.

Ignore this advice, and the cheeky request, OP!

You don’t like this family and there’s no need to let them back into your life.

They aren’t even long-lost friends - they’re long-lost unpleasant acquaintances.

Ceceprincess80 · 15/08/2025 15:52

That would be a no then

TakeMe2Insanity · 15/08/2025 15:51

I’d probably go with the line of you have a lot on and so could possibly meet him for lunch in the city one day (not dinner at your house do he can’t try and stay over).

NewBlueNoteBook · 15/08/2025 15:49

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2025 14:41

Well now. My parents moved to America and as their friends from England and Ireland had kids reaching 18 the summer before uni or taking a gap year and we were hit with several requests to put them up, sometimes for a few weeks. These would also be from friends of friends or distant cousins - people my parents may have had a very tenuous connection with.
But you know what? They usually said yes. Because they could remember venturing out at 18, thinking they knew everything but finding out actually the world can be big and lonely and a bit scary. Finding a friendly port in this storm was great. A few hot meals, a tour of the area, some words of encouragement and off the young person went, confidence somewhat restored and with the knowledge they’d made a connection.
So please do help out this young person and give them an introduction to your area. Show them a few sights, introduce them to people their age if you can, encourage them to get out on their own to explore. I bet years down the line they will remember your kindness and generosity and hopefully offer the same to the next generation.

Assuming that you are an adult Monday then this was a long time ago when you needed guidebooks and maps and working out public transport in foreign counties was difficult.

The world is much smaller now. These days travelling internationally is much much easier. Every 18 yo has piles of info at their fingertips to book accommodation, find tourist sites etc.

My DC travelled all over Europe quite happily without parental assistance, funding or support.

I will say OP in my experience American teenagers are rather younger than same age UK equivalents. I would expect that an American 18yo would expect much more support than a U.K. kid in the same circumstances.

I’d do it for a child I knew and a family I liked otherwise I’’d unfortunately be “busy”.

Noshadelamp · 15/08/2025 15:49

Do people even need showing around a city now with trip advisor, YouTube and travel blogs?
I'd be suspicious they actually want you to accommodate the DCs and possibly for an open ended amount of time!

MeridianB · 15/08/2025 15:47

PS if you reply, even to decline, you simply open the door to them trying to persuade you to host and to staying in touch.

CuddingtonPark · 15/08/2025 15:47

If you do make contact tell her the cost of living in the Uk has gone through the roof and you need her to pay the equivalent of X hundreds of pounds per week. Exaggerate the amount to put her off (as tradesmen do when they don’t want a job) so that she realises the answer is NO. She’s treating you like a free hotel.

MeridianB · 15/08/2025 15:45

You haven’t been in touch for years and years. And when you were ‘friends’ her and her DH were mean to you. That’s a good enough reason to ignore the message.

IME Americans are more open to hosting acquaintances but I totally agree with PPs that you know nothing about this boy and it could easily unravel or he could outstay his welcome. Plus you then have Mr & Mrs Smug-Rude back in your life. So a big no.

Pallisers · 15/08/2025 15:43

I'm in the US and have often had young people here on their J1s staying with me for a few days. They were either nephews/nieces or children of dear friends that I have remained close to - and their pals. Only for a couple of days. And always at my invitation - their parents never asked.

I'd just reply saying sorry that doesn't suit us.

Cherrysoup · 15/08/2025 15:35

My parents used to host foreign students, but of course they were paid. None stayed in touch after their time and it was expected that they’d be treated as part of the family. However, of course they wanted to be out and about with their mates in a very lively city. I think your friend must be aware that you’re no longer friends, so I find this a very cheeky request. Obviously it would be very convenient for the child to stay with you, but potentially awkward and inconvenient.

Doseofreality · 15/08/2025 15:29

I would reply with “Sorry, who is that?” And when they reply, messages back again with “Think you have the wrong number”.