To ask if you ever feel normal again after grief?

I believe the first year is the hardest,... afterwards you just handle it better. Sorry for your loss 😞

Yes, you'll feel normal again.

Your grief isn't a new part of you. It's your love for your brother, and right now that part hurts so much it's all consuming. But it'll die down.

Think of it like you've broken your leg. In the moment, it's agony. By the end of the day, you've learnt to live with it. You're taking painkillers, you're on crutches, you've got your leg in plaster. A few weeks later, it's healing, and within 6 months it's a dull ache that bothers you in cold weather.

Grief takes a bit longer, especially for someone you're got a very close relationship with. Right now, you're still in the agony. But at some point, you'll learn to live with it. My "crutches" involved trying to take my mind off it by going on rollercoasters and taking on stupidly big DIY projects (along with too much alcohol). Yours will be different.

But at some point you will start healing, and you'll be able to get through the day without your crutches. It'll still hurt, but not as much, and you'll be able to forget about it for periods of time. And then at some point you'll be able to think about him, remember the good times without it hurting at all, and it'll only really be painful at certain times or certain places, like on his Birthday, or in his favourite restaurant.

Think about how much you thought about your brother when he was alive. He probably popped into to your mind across the day, maybe some days you didn't even think of him. That's what your grief will become over time. The love of your brother and the pain it's causing you right now will shrink back down to take up the space it did while he was alive. You'll keep feeling it as pain for a long while, but less and less overwhelming, and one day you'll be able to poke that spot and mostly just feel the love for him, just tinged with the dull ache of sadness.

And you'll feel normal. Just like feeling that dull ache in your leg in winter feels normal.

@Elephant1079 it's so different for everyone. Some pists resonate, some definitely do not. Your journey will be yours alone.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother xx

my own experience is that you gradually learn to live alongside the grief, it gradually stops being the only thing you think about & the first thing you think about when you wake up, so in that sense it becomes more bearable, but for me the actual grief still is intense. I can't talk about my loved ones without feeling that & crying. It frustrates me as I'd like to talk about them more without falling apart. I'm going through too much else health wise at the moment, but if/when that gets any better I think grief counselling might be worth trying.

it doesn't sound like your brother died very long ago, so just be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to get through each day & know it won't always be this intense 💕

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My very best and closest friend of 35 years died last year from a cardiac arrest. Totally out of the blue.

The first few days, weeks and months were a blur of shock, disbelief and profound grief. I quickly ran out of tears which was hard as crying did help a bit.
I’m now in a better place and while she is constantly in my thoughts, it’s a bit easier. Her DH and DC are making progress too. It’s a lonely and bumpy path.

In case it’s helpful, she actually lost her brother to cardiac arrest when he was much younger and her grief was awful but she 100% did move on and enjoyed her life to the full. If by any chance your DB died in this way please ensure you receive proper cardiac screening.

Take care.

Having experienced something very similar, I could not have put it better myself. It’s like being plunged into a boggy pit of despair, that there’s no way of climbing out of it because it just sucks you back in. Then, one day, something just feels a little lighter, a memory that makes you smile and laugh instead of crying. There will always be sad moments, but the best piece of advice I was given was the same as this post, you have to make a new normal, take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. xx

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't say you ever feel normal.

You just learn to live with the new normal.

Sending you hugs.

I’m so sorry, siblings are like no other. Your siblings see all and they tend to be relationships for life.

Things never go back to normal but you will find a new normal x

Minmooch

I'm a mumsnetter from 'days of old' , I cannot believe it's been 12 years since you lost your DS. As with these things it seems like a long time ago & only yesterday - at the same time. Love as always xx

You don’t feel that grief stricken for the rest of time
it eases- but takes time
dad died 15 years ago - I will occasional feel a wave of grief , I think about him every day but I have joy and laughter and the ability to do more than exist

but this initial stage yes it’s very all consuming and so difficult

I guess the victorians knew a thing or two - don’t expect to be able to move forward properly for at least a year

if it goes on beyond that perhaps seek help

My lovely Dad died in January. The classic 'after a short illness' fuckery that is missed late diagnosis of all the cancer everywhere.

My Mum remains poleaxed 7 months later. They had been together since late teens, negoitated all their growing up as a team, they were such a tight little bundle of co-existence. She is just - bewildered. The same kind of expression one sees on a pet who is suddenly alone and abandoned by their family.

I miss him so much. Even writing this is making me weep. I work in healthcare. I see grief. I know it to be an absolute thief of joy.

I am sorry for your loss and I know how you must be feeling. I imagine it doesn't ever get better. But I imagine it gets easier.

In my experience, grief has flattened me. Not as in, a living death/depression, but has sapped life of colour and joy. I'm fine. Go out, day to day, work, interact with others. But I'm detached from it now. I see why life is finite. And I'm glad I've got more of it behind me than ahead.

When my Dad died, someone told me that grief is like a stone in your shoe that you can’t shake. It’s always there and will always hurt but you gradually develop a callous so the pain becomes bearable. I have found that to be very true.

I am so sorry for your shocking loss. Grief is different for everyone. It is all very recent for you, so still very raw.

I think about loss/grief like a wound developing into a scar - at first it is raw and bloody. But we learn to live with it, and then it heals a bit, but we are always left with a scar. And that mental scar means you will never forget yoru brother, but will be able to think of him with less pain. You will be able to remember the good times, the supportive times, without the shock of immediate loss and grief.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother.

im 12 years on from losing my 18year old son to cancer.

grief is very individual, often lonely and there is no right or wrong way to how you deal with it.

all i can say is that time, a long time at that, is the only healer. Life goes on all around us and there comes a time when you can dip your toe back into it and start enjoying things again. I do, for the most part, feel normal now but it’s a different sort of normal. There’s always the ‘missing’ and sadness but now there is love, laughter and joy that lives alongside my grief.

certain times of the year are and always will be difficult but I am kind to myself and do only what I can at those times.

slowly, slowly. One foot in front of the other. Go gently on yourself.

sending you love

In a word yes with the exception I would say of the loss of a child 😢
Thankfully I haven't experienced that immense loss but have lost people very close to me, my Dad, my Godmother, some very good friends and some in very tragic circumstances. Each time I have a loss I think I won't get over it. The most recent was 10 months ago. I didn't think then I would be where I am now.. I still think of her daily and feel sad when I hear certain songs it can stop me in my tracks. But can I function day to day? Yes can I find joy in each day? Yes
Will i miss her forever? Yes

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss 💔 I hope your journey with grief is gentle x

In a word yes with the exception I would say of the loss of a child 😢
Thankfully I haven't experienced that immense loss but have lost people very close to me, my Dad, my Godmother, some very good friends and some in very tragic circumstances. Each time I have a loss I think I won't get over it. The most recent was 10 months ago. I didn't think then I would be where I am now.. I still think of her daily and feel sad when I hear certain songs it can stop me in my tracks. But can I function day to day? Yes can I find joy in each day? Yes
Will i miss her forever? Yes

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss 💔 I hope your journey with grief is gentle x

In a word yes with the exception I would say of the loss of a child 😢
Thankfully I haven't experienced that immense loss but have lost people very close to me, my Dad, my Godmother, some very good friends and some in very tragic circumstances. Each time I have a loss I think I won't get over it. The most recent was 10 months ago. I didn't think then I would be where I am now.. I still think of her daily and feel sad when I hear certain songs it can stop me in my tracks. But can I function day to day? Yes can I find joy in each day? Yes
Will i miss her forever? Yes

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss 💔 I hope your journey with grief is gentle x

In a word yes with the exception I would say of the loss of a child 😢
Thankfully I haven't experienced that immense loss but have lost people very close to me, my Dad, my Godmother, some very good friends and some in very tragic circumstances. Each time I have a loss I think I won't get over it. The most recent was 10 months ago. I didn't think then I would be where I am now.. I still think of her daily and feel sad when I hear certain songs it can stop me in my tracks. But can I function day to day? Yes can I find joy in each day? Yes
Will i miss her forever? Yes

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss 💔 I hope your journey with grief is gentle x

In a word yes with the exception I would say of the loss of a child 😢
Thankfully I haven't experienced that immense loss but have lost people very close to me, my Dad, my Godmother, some very good friends and some in very tragic circumstances. Each time I have a loss I think I won't get over it. The most recent was 10 months ago. I didn't think then I would be where I am now.. I still think of her daily and feel sad when I hear certain songs it can stop me in my tracks. But can I function day to day? Yes can I find joy in each day? Yes
Will i miss her forever? Yes

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss 💔 I hope your journey with grief is gentle x

Sorry for your loss. It does get easier over time, how long that time is varies from person to person, and the new normal (if that is an appropriate term) never denies the existence of what went before.

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️

I lost my DH a few years ago. Unexpected and violent death. I have accepted I will never be the same again. I had my before life, then a protracted period of agony and grief and breakdown where I was in a fog and so, so lost.

I left my job and moved locations. I do feel I am living again, I am functioning, I can do things and feel happiness or joy. But that wound doesnt heal. My awareness of it recedes and comes back. Sometimes it comes back fiercely and brutally and Im lost, but not for so long.

I wish you the very best for health, recovery and healing xxx

So sorry ❤️ the beginning is the hardest thing to ever go through. At some point, you will reach a plateau - this will be a safe internalised space. Then you will gradually think less of your loved one; that is they won't always be at the forefront of your mind. This will bring the guilt. All part of the process. You will get days, where you think, I haven't thought about them so much today. It's overwhelming and you think it will never heal. I always tell people, it never gets easier but it increasingly becomes more bearable and manageable. 🫂 one more thing, nothing will ever faze you again, to a degree that it once did.

I dont think you get over it you just adapt to what's now your new norm. Its different. Someone's missing but it's your life now and you will get used to it

In the beginning you can mostly only think of the pain and missing them. Over time the balance changes to remembering the good times you had together rather than pain of their loss. Time heals but not quickly. The first year is worst.

My DH died recently, very unexpectedly. I’m told that you get used to the fact that they’ve died so it’s no longer raw all the time.