To ask if you ever feel normal again after grief?

You won’t feel like this for the rest of your life. However, that ‘normal’ is gone but you’ll find a new one. I am a different person, with an altered outlook and I’ve had to adjust to aspects of life that have changed vastly. Many things are harder and more difficult to navigate like family dynamics but there can be positives. I now live with an ever present awareness that life can change in a heartbeat and that it can be cut short- that’s not to say I’m out there every day vibing off adrenaline fuelled pursuits or other such shit- but I now live much more in the moment and feel more liberated to wear my heart on my sleeve, say what needs to be said and pursue what pleases me.

I’ll answer your question truthfully and based on my personal experience.

I don’t believe that the “you grow around the grief” type mantra is true, nor the “it doesn’t get any easier, but you learn to live with it”. For me, I’d say grief DOES fade in time. It DOES get easier - much easier, in fact. And for me, after 3 very significant close losses which, at the time, I felt like I would never get past, I can honestly say that in every case, my life has gone back to normal, eventually.

I have the odd moment of thinking about them of course, but it’s not consuming. It’s not a big thing anymore, it’s usually just a fleeting thought, although some days can still be worse than others. Life is, for the most part, as normal as it was before, although it’s a new/adapted normal.

I found this incredibly comforting, and thought it explained the grief process really well.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/comment/c1u0rx2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

And I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss

Sending you so much love OP.

My beautiful daughter died 11 years ago on the 5th August at 3 months old. It was the most heartbreaking moment of my entire life and I vividly remember the feeling of my old life’s door slamming shut.
Grief changes you. There is no denying or doubt about it. I am most certainly not the same woman that I was before this moment in time. But what I have learnt is that it is possible to live again. I will carry her with me always. And that grief will forever be there…but it changes over time. Some days feel easier than others, some days you will be hit with a tidal wave of grief and feel floored. But you will one day find a way of living alongside that grief. Heartfelt hugs my darling 💜

So sorry for the loss of your brother. My experience is this.
When someone you love dies, you immediately start wearing this invisible back pack of grief. Packed inside are emotions/loss, grief and pain. It’s so heavy you can’t think straight as all you can think about is the weight of the back pack. It digs in, it physically hurts you.

Yo will never take it off.

Over time, personally it took me 18 months to feel remotely ‘normal’, it felt less heavy - as I was used to carrying it around. All the grief was still inside it but I got used to wearing it and it hurt less. 12 years on, I sometimes don’t realise I’m wearing it but then this morning (I have something going on personally at present), the back pack started digging in and I could feel the familiar ache of sorrow at missing that person and I had a cry and so wanted to talk to them.

You will have a different normal.

I also think losing a child must be the worst thing as no one expects to lose and bury their child

you are meant to outlive your child

I’ve survived dh dying
I’ve survived my darling mum dying

but I don’t think I could or would want to survive if mini blondes died. I don’t have any other dc. I’m single and the pain of losing a child must be harder then a dh/parent /sibling

I’m so sorry, it’s incredibly hard.

I think your ‘normal’ shifts. It will never be what it was. Life is so different. And, over time, you adjust to that. This new reality becomes your normal. And you can absolutely have happiness within it. But it’s never what it was.

Absolutely this. All deaths are sad for the families of the loved ones, but it’s the tragedy in the loss of a young life. There is no peace in remembering they lived a long happy life, when they died in their 30’s. It’s the fact life isn’t fair, they missed half a life and more and it’s utterly tragic.

My great aunt died at 89 and we were all gutted and sad but we could smile at her wake and laugh at the stuff she used to do. There was peace in the fact she lived a long life and some people aren’t lucky enough to get that privilege. In contrast I went to funeral of a friends child who was 11 and my goodness that was the most gut wrenching experience I’ve ever witnessed. There was no smiles at the wake, it was absolutely horrendous to watch the grief of the girls patents. It’s not the natural order of things. Everyone was crying, it was impossible not to.

OP take it easy and be kind to yourself. Your brother was young and that will absolutely have a more distressing impact. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

You don’t get over it but you learn to live with it or maybe you cope better

mainly as no choice - friends always said I was so brave and they couldn’t imagine coping the way I did - and I would say no choice

time really does help

dh died 14yrs ago when we were both 37 after being together 19yrs which seems crazy now as sometimes feels like yesterday that I last spoke /saw /cuddled/kissed him

on the whole I am happy now. Life is different to how I imagined it with him

I ended up meeting dh2 and having mini blondes 🥰 after never expecting to be a mum tho really wanted to be

dh2 and I split last year so a different kind of grief I had to deal with

obv divorce isn’t the same as death but still a loss

but yes you will learn to cope better. Sounds like it is early weeks /months for you so don’t be hard on yourself

the first year is the hardest as each memory is we did this last year

people said to me at the time , that time is a healer and I thought what bollocks - but it is true. Time does help

sorry for your loss 💐💐

My experience is that it takes longer when the death is sudden, traumatic or unexpected, and when the person is young. Whereas for me I've found older relatives deaths to be easier to process and come to terms with.

I'm really sorry for your loss. My sibling died linked to depression, and years later, it is still a punctuation mark in my life. Not an everyday sadness or anything, but it is an event that lived by my side.

One regret I have is that I didn't look after myself and speak to a counsellor at the time of his death. Now, I simply cannot talk about it to anyone as I think I would breakdown as the grief has been hiding for years now. So do talk to someone if you feel you can.

As a sibling, it's a very unique grief. I found it hardest knowing that the only person who literally shared my childhood with me was gone.

Give yourself time and try to look after yourself.

I am so sorry, @Slavetomycat

I don’t think any of us writing here about grief will ever be the people we were. If we are very lucky perhaps we can eventually be better. But I don’t think we will ever live in the world as easily as before.

There is a saying time is a healer and it is to a point .The mind protects you by things not being quite so acute the painful memory becomes blurred
I would agree though you are never quite the same person you once were it changes you
Everyone is different and how long it takes for time to become a healer to a certain extent varies from person to person sorry for everyone's lossesxx

I’m so sorry for your loss. Siblings are often forgotten In the grieving hierarchy.

I lost both parents and my best friend. All were really difficult to process and I cried so much, but did find a way to go on and begin to cherish happy memories. Lost my DD in 2023 and that’s very different. I’m a different person now. That person I was is gone. I’m functioning, and was told I look like me again the other day, but I’m not me.

Be kind to yourself. Take the time you need, and don’t compare your grief to others - every road is different and you can’t choose yours.

I lost my adult ds 10 months ago and this week has been one of the worst weeks for some reason. . I went for a walk in the woods and tried to scream, but nothing came out.
I feel.better today but who knows tomorrow.

It’s different for everyone. Nobody’s grief is the same. I think over time the pain just gets easier to bear. I was utterly heartbroken when I lost my mum. I held her hand while she went . She knew I’d never leave her side and I never did. The first year was the hardest. I just didn’t want to live in a world without her but as time went on the grief lessened its grip and I started being able to feel fondness that I had had her love so long. Hers wasn’t a long illness and she only got 18 months after diagnosis which just wasn’t enough as very little of it was quality life.

I feel this. It’s been 6 years since dd died, and the pain and grief at the beginning was indescribable. My life has grown around my grief now and I have many happy moments. I had emdr and talking therapy which has helped with the trauma, but I will never be the same or fully recover.

One thing I wanted to add OP is to take a moment when you can bear it, to ensure you make good plans for the future. In the darkness of grief nothing seems like it’s going to help, but plan them anyway. So save up and book that holiday you wanted but never prioritised, find a way of getting to those strawberry fields you always wanted. Even if it’s years ago, set yourself a target and try to stick by it. Because in the thickness of it all, you just can’t picture ever enjoying anything again but the mind is a powerful thing. If you decide “I’m going to get here” and put a lot of effort to make it happen, it will help your body remember that good times are not only behind you, but also ahead.
And don’t for a second think that’s not what your loved one would want. If something happened to me I’d be over the moon my children still found a way to enjoy life, that’s the perfect way to honour my memory. ♥️

I am so sorry for OP’s loss and all the losses described on this thread.

We lost my fantastic baby brother in a freak, medically induced sporting accident three years ago. For the first year I was beside myself with grief. Since then I have slowly been remembering more of the happy times with him and the guilt of still being alive while this wonderful, kind, brilliant younger person is not has been lessening. Grief counselling has also helped me. While I can’t always live up to the ideal, I believe with PP that we owe it to our dead beloved to try to honour them by living well.

It’s slow and it’s probably a bit different for everyone but it does happen, OP. I hope you will get to the point of remembering your dear brother with happiness, at least sometimes, very soon.

I don't know. I lost my daughter 19 months ago and it still feels quite recent. I think the first and second year is hard. The way it was explained to me what it was like waves. At first they come fast and big but eventually they space out but still come when you least expect it. It'll probably always be like that but they'll be far apart.

You have to be kind to yourself. Intense grief can briefly affect the heart muscle so it's important that you take it easy on yourself. Broken heart syndrome is a real thing. I didn't know that before.

It's changed me though. I don't think anyone goes back to the way they were. It's a new normal.

It’s a new normal, without that person. It can be hard but you will find joy

Mum died in Jan 2023, this is the first year where I feel I can move forward from that and be a bit happier in general but obviously still have moments that are hard.

The raw grief does settle even though you can’t imagine it will and it’ll never go but it will become more manageable and less intense.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I think it also depends who died how and age
me parent aged 87. Miss him, loved him but okay natural order
sister murdered. Completely different
i now try to live each day for her as well. So say to myself each morning how can I make this a good day
today work walk sport
doesnt always work mind

It’s painful but it does ease. The best explanation I’ve heard is imagine your life is a tiny box with a bouncy ball pinging around inside and every now and then it hits a big red button (the pain). That red button doesn’t change size, but as time passes the box gets bigger. Everytime the ball now hits the button (which is less frequently) it still hurts just as much.

In my experience the first few weeks are horrendous, and then after about 3-6 months it starts to ease. By 12 months the pain is bearable and the grief only takes my breath away around once or twice a day, sometimes not at all (very infrequent though). After 5 years you will feel almost normal, but have days where the pain is unbearable, usually anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas etc.

Hugs ❤️‍🩹 xx