To ask if you ever feel normal again after grief?

Several years on I still think of DB every day. I am glad of that. The memories are slowly becoming less sad and more joyful. But I think some level of grief is permanent.

Just the other day it hit me again how difficult it was locking DB’s house for the last time after selling it. DSis was with me (in our home country; DH had commitments in the UK). It was one of the few times in my life I truly couldn’t have managed on my own. If she had not been there I would have had to call friends or I would have stayed forever. Closing the door on a good man’s hopes and dreams forever. I was screaming inside. But for the most part I have also processed that (though perhaps there is more to do)

It is undeniably awful, OP, but I very much hope that you will also find that the balance improves.

My brother died suddenly at the age of 31 in 2018. For a long time I was in a right old state, he was the first thing I thought of when I opened my eyes for at least 2 years. Now, seven years down the line, I still miss him and I still cry, but I can also talk and laugh about him with fondness. Life does go on, even when you think it won’t. Sorry for your loss, sending hugs.

It definitely softens. The brain is amazing at blocking out the painful horrific feeling when someone is gone from your life in an instant.

It takes time and distraction, the person who died become part of your life in a different way, always in your thoughts, the good memories pop up in any moment, smile through the tears at the memories.

I'm sorry for your pain.

I think it is different when your child dies, I've no idea how devastating or recoverable that is. 💔

You will never feel the same again because you are not the same. Death changes how to feed about things, how you see the world, changes your priorities, etc so actually you are different in ways afterwards.
That's not to say you won't feel happiness or enjoyment or contentedness again but there will always be a tiny part of you that wishes fleetingly that they were there to witness your happiness or to enjoy the joke and so on.
It doesn't ruin you or your life though and part of that love you carry for them stays with you forever so there will never be a year you don't think of them and miss them for a minute or two. It's a price you pay for love. Feel that pain and tell yourself they are worth it. Embrace it. And then let it go.

This is true

I say about dh

gone from our lives not from our hearts

I'm so sorry OP. My brother died completely unexpectedly coming up for two years ago. Our parents were already dead so I'd been through bereavement, but the shock, grief and horror of that was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I felt like I'd break in half.

Honestly I just went numb. Felt like a huge concrete block or something, and I'm still very numb, and in disbelief that he isn't here any more. It's like my brain is still blocking a lot of the reality out even nearly two years on.

So that's how it's been for me, I know everyone is different. I do experience some happiness, joy and contentment, I do live my life. Sometimes the grief breaks through the numbness. I feel like I'll be processing the loss for the rest of my own life but I'm okay with that.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Following as I lost my brother six weeks ago he was 38 yr old. Hoping we can both find some peace in time but it’s still so hard and raw

I'm really sorry that you are having this to cope with. I lost my childhood sweetheart and found it very hard for years. It was only once I talked about it to a therapist that the loss stopped being completely front and centre of my life.

I think that the fact that you have posted here is very positive, because somehow grief and loss is much harder when it's kept secret. I am glad that you talked about it.

Take care there Xx

Damaged by losing loved ones, so heaven knows what it's like to an extremely close loved one. Whenever I see my brother, although I'm not incredibly close, my heart aches at the thought of loss, and I worry. Heck even those friends on the periphery can do a number on you.

The overwhelming pain will gradually soften over time. It will always be there but not as raw. It took me about four years to fully adjust to the sudden loss of my Mum.

Oh man, this is hard. I lost my brother nearly 11 years ago to cancer. Even though I knew he was dying, it didn't really help with the feeling of loss. Actually it felt more like theft. Not only was he taken, but part of my identity was taken too. No longer a sister, no longer the same person. I lost my job (as I was on probation) and gave up my career and trained in something else completely, which felt more 'me'. That's helped. But you need to be very very gentle on yourself and take each day as it comes. Big hugs xxx

I lost my DH, to Covid, in 2023. My world fell apart, losing my 24/7 person, and the love of my life.

But, gradually, day by day, the pain eases.

I didn’t want counselling or medication, but time is a healer.

Not easy though. 💐

Someone said to me that, over time, the one you have lost lives less in your head and more in your heart.
I think this is true, you never get over it but live along side their memory, “in your heart.”

Yes my brother died too. It’s been 2 years now. These past 2 years has been the worst period of my life I’d say. I miss him so much, he was my gig partner, my confidant and we used to chat on the phone 3 ish times per day. I don’t know what to say really about it. It’s so hurtful and I still cry at least once a week about him. The pain of it is getting slightly easier now though. At first it’s the initial shock then it’s the bit when you truly miss them, their voice, phone calls and texts

I lost my DH 6 years ago. Most of the time I feel fine sometimes it hits really hard and the last couple of months have almost completely floored me. Not because I miss him, I don’t particularly any more but for the kids and what he and they have lost

I was widowed when young and the initial grief gradually resolved, but I always felt empty. Even the subsequent happy times seemed clouded and slightly 'off'. It was like a constant companion standing behind me as a reminder that even happiness is temporary and can be taken away at any time. It revealed the pain and ugliness of life that's usually hidden.

I lost both parents in 2020. 5 years on and I can think of them and smile, although sometimes, something will hit me ( a song on the radio, a t.v program, etc), which will bring those feelings of loss back, but they are getting fewer now. I don't think I will ever get back to what I used to consider "normal", but I can live with my "new normal" and I think the key to that is accepting that things will never be how they were, but the cloud will lift with time although it will never disappear completely.
Sorry for your loss and may the happy memories of him give you some comfort.

I found this years ago when my mother died and always kept it as found it so profound and ultimately true. Someone had posted much the same as you and this was someone’s answer:

On surviving grief
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

best wishes to you Xxxx

@FridayFeelingmidweek I do think people underestimate the devastation caused by the death of a sibling. Everyone obviously were very sympathetic to my dm and df as their ds had died but I was an afterthought. I'm now an only child which is not what I ever thought I'd be as the elder sibling.

When someone dies, ppl often say “ one day at a time “ when my mum died it was one second at a time for what felt like forever.
Even now, 4 years later, I smell her perfume on a stranger and it’s like she’s right there.
I see a top in Sainsbury’s she would like; it’s like she’s there. For me, butterfly’s , robins etc are all symbols she’s here; just not visible now. That works for me , others will poo poo it, that’s fine . You do you xx be kind to yourself xx

I lost my mam suddenly almost 7 years ago. She was on holiday, felt unwell just before travelling home… she did have crohans disease but it was managed… she had an appointment with her consultant the day after she got back so refused to go to hospital.. I lived 400 miles away at the time and she promised me she was alright, she text me during the night to say they were putting her in a coma but she was ok it was just for her body to rest. She died of sepsis the next morning before I could get a flight. I learned to manage my emotions but I’ve never been the same since. Then exactly the same thing happened to my dad in February while I was in Florida with my kids. I move through life with a heavy heart, gutted I am early 30s with 2 young kids who don’t have maternal grandparents anymore. I feel I could explode at any time and I too wonder if I will ever feel ‘normal’ again… I don’t think I will - their deaths have completely changed my life, my thought processes, how much shit I take off others. I’m so sorry, it’s a new life you learn to live whilst everyone else’s life moves on and continues xx

@Kdub I'm so sorry for your loss. My db died after a short illness almost 18 months ago. He was also my only sibling and he was 12 months younger than me. I had a bit of a wobble yesterday as I was somewhere he used to frequent but mostly I have accepted it. I'll never stop missing him.