Step family contact after divorce

I’m not sure it’s ok to say it’s so cruel if you weren’t in the relationship op- you don’t know the full story- it’s hard enough for a mum and dad of a child to work out what happens after a split, Id guess the semantics of a non blood person would have different issues to navigate

Either way it's still just some unrelated male, a relationship that is for the benefit of the parent, not child centered.

I speak from experience as the former child dragged into my mother's dating life.

It would be weird/inappropriate for some unrelated bloke to have sleepovers (as you've mentioned) with someone else's kid after the relationship failed, and that's on the parent.

I was on the other end of this. I looked after my niece and nephew. I treated them the same as my bio nibblings. The adults split after 12 is years and I was told those kids were fuck all to do with me and my family. The kids were 14 and 16 at the time. They are now adults and have been in touch asking for a relationship. I can't do it. They only contact my brother when they want money otherwise he's no one. I'm not prepared to invest anymore time or energy into them. Realistically, I think they want me involved to love and look after their kids like I looked after them.

No. The responsibility for the child lies with the parents, no one else. A step parent is absolutely free to walk away, and in the event of a break up they usually do. It doesn’t matter if they/their parents push during the relationship, a parent can say no.

How many potential ex boyfriends should a child be sent off for sleepovers with, if a woman dates various blokes over a decade and makes her kid get involved?

It's the risk a parent takes when involving a child in their dating life, that the child will be impacted if the relationship fails. Something to be considered at the beginning - if it's in the child's best interests.

I wouldn’t expect a former stepparent to stay in touch, no. Ime it’s unusual, and I believe that statistically the majority of step parents do indeed walk away with no further contact when the relationship with the parent has ended.

It’s easy to make promises when in love and in a relationship. That doesn’t mean a parent shouldn’t enter into a new relationship, but they should accept the very real risk that in the event of a break up the step parent and their family will disappear.

I was a step parent to 2 for a decade. I'm hoping our situation was unique in that one of the children (a teenager by then) sexually assaulted my very young daughter. Their father was also very abusive and covered it all up until I found out a few months later. I wanted to keep contact with the other step child but was very well aware that he would be used as form of control by my ex so things were strained for years, I always sent himself birthday and Christmas gifts and saw him when my ex's extended family came to visit us or we went to visit them (the only way my children could keep contact with that side of their family) but it was nothing compared to how it had been before. He's now older and able to come visit on his own and he's spent a few nights with me and his younger siblings and even come up for their birthdays and got to spend time with my family again who always considered him one of us but who had also only gone to sending gifts and very occasionally seeing him. I could probably have done better but it was a very difficult situation and I was the only one concentrating on my children and their healing. Could your cousin perhaps ask their ex if they would still include her older child? It might be that he doesn't know he wants any involvement

Poor child, I couldn't do it myself, especially if there is a sibling involved. Sounds cruel.

I shouldn't think I would keep in touch with the child of the ex-partner of my son, no.

This sounds so sad for the child

This is why after your parents have had a few new boyfriends and girlfriends and you're expected to behave like they're your family and their children are just the exact same as your actual siblings, then they break up and you never see them again, you stop bothering.

It's terrible for the children, makes them feel like people just leave and relationships are just temporary while it suits them. It affects their adult relationships but parents just say that "children are resilient".

People need to think about children. I could not imagine not maintaining a relationship with said child. I hope they acknowledge the child’s birthday and Xmas.

You cannot expect a non relation to continue to be part of your child life.

It's sad and you are likely to have to support the child with the loss of family but harsh reality is they are not family and have no obligation to you.

If things are amicable with the other parent speak to them and see if they can facilitate contact during their time.

When DH and I split for 6 months our families stayed involved with the children.

That said they are all people who are very, very family (as in bonds, not just blood) orientated so it would have been extremely surprising if they did otherwise.

I find it very odd when people just happily lose contact with step children and step grandchildren after a split. I remember as a youngster my Aunt being absolutely devastated when she wasn't allowed to see her step children after being widowed.

Which is why people who prioritise children's needs or wants don't enter into blended families.

i think the child’s views at 13 would be the most important factor. In 3 years the child can leave home and live with whoever they want. There is a transition period between 13-16 when a child is expected to gradually have more independence, see their own friends etc. My dc sorted their own contact with their dad from about 14. They have phones and didn’t need me to be involved (and he wasn’t pleasant to me so it was better for me to have less contact).

If I was that in situation and contact was blocked but the child wanted it I would probably send cards and presents and so they knew I was interested in maintaining a relationship and the door was being left open and then it would be their choice when they were older. I wouldn’t drop them.

as a step parent the issue I had when I saw the children with no bio parent involved was I was effectively little more than a babysitter.

if you have no parental responsibility for the child you need to factor in the parent can stop
contact at any time. Is it good for the child to maintain a close relationship that is so fragile- contact is often stopped when the ex gets a new partner. Is it better to dial it down a little and not be so involved?

then you have the problem around decisions. I took a step dc to hospital once and it was a nightmare as I couldn’t contact the parent and I was not able to make decisions.

i think it’s easier to maintain a relationship with older stepchildren where you can have a separate relationship. You can’t really co-parent younger children with an ex if you don’t have PR.

Depends on the people. I have friends who as adults still have a strong relationship with their step parents even though the step parent has split from their bio parent. Just think depends on the person.