The school run has put me off other women

What do you mean cliques? I have never had any experience of that. Plenty of parents who i dont talk to and they talk in groups. I wouldn't call it a clique or have any issue with them being friends. I walk to school with whoever is going that direction so stand with and chat to the neighbours. Have become friends. I say hello to anyone who I make contact with. Others seem to be rhe same.

There have definitely been different dynamics at the different primary schools my DCs have been to- DC 2's current school is much more MC, a lot of the mums especially don't work or don't work much and I think have probably all known each other for years and as a result are friends which I suppose might appear cliquey- I do think there's definitely some classism going on as well from a couple of comments and it quite notable the class stratification. DC1's primary was much more WC and down to earth but there was loads of outside beef that got brought into the school playground.

OP I think you need to not place emphasis on school relationships and seek out friends and volunteering elsewhere. Do you work? Then it won't matter. DC2 has asc 3x a week, I only pick up once, I don't need to be friends with the people at school. There are loads of parents like me, so you're not necessarily being excluded by us, I'm just not there and don't have time for my actual friends, and especially no time if I'm racing back to my desk for a meeting or running for a train.

I used to arrive at the school run drop of and pick up at the last possible second to avoid them as I used to be called stuck up for having my hair and make up done and wearing presentable clothes.

I found it utter madness as unlike them I had places to be.

Same here. I know some of the mums and dads a bit better because our kids are friends so they've been round on playdates and so on. Quite often a parent who I don't know but one of them does comes to join us, all good. It's never more than a few minutes before the kids all go in or come out anyway.

I never get this either. I arrive two mins before the bell, I might chat to one or two people I am friendly with if they are there at same time, then I leave. Same at pick-up. Otherwise I don’t have time or inclination to chat to anyone else. Other people do the same with their friends. It’s not a clique, it’s just people choosing to talk to their friends in the few minutes they have spare.

Have you ever considered that this might be a you problem? As far as I remember the school run there wasn’t actually much time for chatting as most of us were dropping off and going to work. Why would you feel ignored in that scenario, do you not have to get to work?

I’ve met women who don’t like other women, my MIL is one, I don’t know if it’s because you don’t get the validation that you need from women so you prefer men? Maybe men play to your ego a bit more.

I would be lost without my women friends, we support each other and they’re always there if I need to vent or a hand hold. I’ve been happily married for many years but I get something from my friends that I could never get from my husband, my friends get what it’s like and how difficult it can be living in this world as a woman sometimes. I find it sad that you haven’t experienced it.

I had this at the school gates with one of mine, the clique of mums I found myself in the circle of was ridiculous.
There was one who must have fancied herself as "Queen Bee", everyone gravitated around her.
There was one poor unfortunate chosen every week or so to "fall out with" and gossip about.
It was honestly like being back in the school playground myself. Made me realise the school bullies must never really grow up and just turn into the "mum" ones.
Kind of with you on the preferring blokes company, at least they usually come out and say what the problem is instead of all the cryptic gossiping bollocks 😁
Disclaimer - yes, NAWALT (not all women) before anyone starts 😁

Yes that period of being forced together in mostly all female groups when the children are small and also being stuck socialising or even having to have regular contact with women that really aren’t your cup of tea on the school run is incredibly hard. It’s not you, many mums feel the same and it can be very cliquey which is similar to schooldays. In hindsight it doesn’t last too long although at the time it can seem endless. Also as the kid’s age it dies down. I just avoided the ‘motherland’ gang at the school gates, was also friendly but kept many at arms length. I then had 3 great mum friends who I really liked and am still friends with now. We now joke about this period of our lives. Stay strong, it does get better.

Can no-one see the irony that on a platform largely populated by women many are unkindly responding to a woman who says she is having a hard time because she feels a group of women are being unkind to her (and then telling her she is imagining it)?

@SueSuddio I'm sorry, it can't feel very nice, although maybe the sour responses will validate your experience indirectly.

Aren't some people lucky if they've never experienced something like this - it doesn't mean someone else hasn't. And yes it can be a viscious cycle where a few negative experiences can mean we become anxious/defensive in our stance and things spiral further. I can't imagine the nature of most of these responses will help break that spiral though.

OP I hope you can focus on the more helpful, understanding responses, and also any other adults in the playground who have open friendly faces that you may connect with over time. It's painful to feel excluded WHETHER ITS INTENTIONAL OR NOT (the caps are for the deniers not OP).

Yes this. Essentially, it’s just a place to drop off and pick up your kids. I don’t think my mum ever stood at a school gate in her life (save for infants school). You could just not get there so early you’re hanging around. If you happen to chat with someone and you get on, great, but it’s (the gates) purpose wasn’t created so parents can be part of a group. I chatted to various mums but I was never in a group. I’m still very friendly with a couple of them over a decade later but neither of them even know each other.

Nope. Still internalised misogyny.

People who have been hurt will protect themselves though - it’s really not nice to berate someone who has been badly treated through no fault of their own as like as not

you really are not supporting someone who has experienced mild sex based abuse because it was women and girls who did the damage ? When someone says they prefer men to women instead of assuming they are “shite” ask yourself why they might feel that way. By “holding no truck with them” you just reinforce the idea that women hate them

I attend a group hobby -all women -all busy doing their own thing -a couple of them chatting quietly in the corner then one of them said something v funny -the whole room exploded -everyone had been listening intently - I don’t think a group of men would have been the same. If DH is doing his hobby that is all he is doing.
pointless comment really but I’m just wondering why women are so aware of every comment/ nuance/ reaction /behaviour- some basic instinct

though women are v protective of their young so maybe school is a place they are unrelaxed and wary deep down

I found school parents too busy to be in cliques i mean we had jobs, kids, extra curricular activities medical appointments etc. To fit in and organise, whinging like a 12 year old girl about how hard done i feel as a 'school mum' s judging me was not high on the list

I get on with woman and men because I treat them as human

i don’t think any of this is internal misogyny, it’s just that perhaps I don’t gel with a lot of women, have little in common in terms of interests

But all women have different interests? I play the guitar and netball. I have friends who are interested in all sorts of things… most of them are not interested in guitar and netball! Unless you’re suggesting that women are all into make up and celebrities, or something like that?

Tend to agree with this.

I have one friend who says this all the time.

But really it’s because she is quite a bitter person, but dressed up in faux positivity, so she’s very passive aggressive and tries to drag people down, and is constantly falling out with people.

Her behaviour has made me wary of people who say this.

This is probably going to sound meaner than it should OP, but you seem to be the common denominator in these friendship issues you’ve had your whole adult life..

@SueSuddio

I’m with you. I was you.

it was fine when i was single, hung out with guys at college as it was just too complicated as i just didnt gel with the women i was in classes with. Work wise, working with female bosses has been largely negative, only my last job worked well enough, but that was because she didn’t challenge anyone or anything and I didn’t need management from her, just knew the politics away from us function.

I get on with SOME women better than others. I find female relationships harder, but now I’m in a relationship that’s all that’s available now as having a male/female relationship isn’t viable anymore. Sometimes it gets lonely.

i don’t think any of this is internal misogyny, it’s just that perhaps I don’t gel with a lot of women, have little in common in terms of interests. Female relationships are far more complex and I struggle with them.

I don’t have the answers, but a small number of good relationships with women is fine. Quality not quantity

Having a child the same age in the same classroom in the same school so the same hw, the same teacher is quite a lot to have in common with someone.
But not enough to warrant a nod or a smile

Do you have any insight into what was going on?

Yes...so true 😅 most people are busy with their own lives......

To me that comes across as someone with not-great social skills who struggles to talk to someone they don't know. I wouldn't assume they hate me or are an awful person, I'd assume they are trying to manage the situation and are not very good at it.

People are so strange aren't they? Why would you not respond to this? I remember going to one of those reading mornings in my dds class... another mum was there and we were sitting on the same table, I said good morning, she looked at me and then totally blanked me and didn't respond . Another women I knew would chat but she'd be looking over your shoulder in case someone better came along...then she'd walk off to speak to them mid sentence

Me too

I don't think this at all. Loads of men have the same mates from school and noone else penetrates the group.