The school run has put me off other women

Are you saying that if someone went up to this group and said hello/tried to make conversation, they’d completely ignore that person? Turn their backs?

Ok I'll play. How big is this "large group" who are consistently ignoring anyone not in the group, and how many are in the class?

Amazing how just because people haven't experienced something they dismiss it as not real.

Different schools have different vibes. Even different classes in schools have different atmospheres. For one of my children the mums in the class are lovely - everybody will say hi, give a smile and make small talk with everyone. Yes some are closer friends but nobody just ignores anybody. My other child's class the mums are sooo divided and there is a large group who blank others, or who will chat then literally walk away half way through a conversation because they see a member of their group coming along, or will ignore you if they're with this group.

Just because it doesn't happen at your school doesn't mean it's not the case elsewhere.

The problem is if you don't make some sort of connection and are on friendly terms it can really affect your DC. In my dds class the mums only organised playdates with the children of the parents they were friendly with regardless of whether the kids got on.

Same! With one kid I had to drop and run, didn’t have much time to interact. Saw parents chatting - dads as well as mums-
who had time to walk out together. Never thought it was a cliques - because it wasn’t.
2nd kid - I had time to walk, chat etc and people were friendly. Even though they knew each other better.
this whole ‘ school mums clique’ thing drives me mad, more pointless misogyny.

Speak for yourself. 😂. I don't do drama because I really can't be arsed. I like friendly people so I'm friendly myself, we can all only talk about our own experiences can't we. I've met amazing women and horrible women, same with men.

Women in general are like that

They all twitter on about sisterhood, but it's dog eat dog really

Men are competitive, but not in the same way as women

Yes, making the OP’s point for her.

It was somewhere in the middle depending on the OP’s response. If she hasn’t been even mildly sociable, people might think she doesn’t want to interact. If she’s tried and literally been ignored then she has a point.

That’s not that it’s not a thing then, just that it doesn’t bother them / they’re able to avoid it.

Agree it's a you problem, and your internalised misogyny.

Are these women really being bitchy or you just talking to people they know for a few minutes? I don't know why people seem to have this expectation that everyone on the school run ought to embrace you with open arms, sense your "aloneness" from the other side of the playground and pull you into the fold. Otherwise they are bitchy. It's weird.

Quite often on the school run I've popped out of work for 15 minutes. My brain is frazzled and I am thinking about work and rushing to get back. I will talk to someone I know if I see them close by but it's absolutely not a time I am inclined to want to make new friends.

OP I think you've had some very unfair responses on here (not surprised really it IS aibu!!) but I agree that there is a "mean girl" clique at my kids school too. Honestly I couldnt personally give a shit about it because there are plenty of other perfectly nice parents I'm happy to chat with if I'm in the mood to BUT I've seen other mums get really upset by the childish best mate one week then bitching behind their back nonsense the week after.

What we’re saying is that is not an universal female thing, or even a female thing at all.

Nearly everyone on the school run feels like an outsider until they get to know a few faces to pass the few minutes with - usually after going to a birthday party or a play date.

Ive always made a point to smile and say hello to singles on the school run - some don’t want to chat, and I don’t take it personally. Some are relieved. Eventually I had a few groups I could stand with.

Men and boys socialise differently. They don’t require as much proof of friendship, or monitor for micro expressions. If you speak once, and then again 5 years later the gap between isn’t a barrier to friendship. I’ve known a few autistic women who find the male dynamic much easier to understand and navigate.

Wow OP, sorry for all the attacks on this thread. Females can be nasty, you've experience that in the past and are sensitive because of it. I can understand your perspective because we are all shaped by our experiences.

Try to find a neutral space in your head on the school run where you are completely fine just waiting alone and try to feel peaceful about that time you have to yourself, then if you chat to people it's a positive, but if not it's completely neutral. Perhaps use it as time to focus on bringing yourself into the present moment and a mini meditation. Sometimes when we are feeling left out it's because of what is going on inside our heads but it's not a deliberate act to exclude us.

I do relate and never got involved. I had friends and made friends at work, didn't need gossip and inane laughter. Just avoid, don't get there early, be busy. You're not alone, many people feel the same.

The school mum WhatsApp groups are worse!

No, I agree with you, OP. I think there is definitely an air of "something" at the school gates. Perhaps it IS a ME problem, but I've very much got the impression that there's some kind of hierarchy or whatever within the school Mums from schools I've been to. In saying it's a ME problem, most of them are rich enough to not work, so I don't have a lot in common with them from the off, as I work 40 hours a week most of the time, and by virtue of that I'm not often at the gates anyway. But there's definitely some air of snobbishness. I did make some mum friends but they were all in a similar situation to me i.e working hard and not interested in getting in everyone else's pocket and gossiping. You're not missing out on anything good! X

I agree. I think there’s something specific about how it’s generally (and historically) a majority female environment that makes people suddenly go “we should all be friends!” And if that’s not the case, suddenly it’s all “bitchy”.

And I say this as someone who doesn’t know anyone on the playground as we recently moved. I don’t think they’re all cliquey bitches. I think they’re just talking to their friends.

Totally agree. And maybe there are cliques but mostly I just see women chatting with the people they know to say hi to. I often feel like I don’t know many mums at school but I’m equally sure I look exactly the same as other mums, I have 2 dc there so of course I know people. It’s socially quite a challenging environment for many women really.

I moved to a totally new area when DS1 was just starting school. I didn’t know a soul and all the school run mums knew each other from NCT, playgroup etc. They welcomed me with open arms, made my move so much easier and we’re still friends 30 years later.

Having said that, I made the effort too. I made conversation, showed an interest, invited them round and organised play dates. I walked up to groups, introduced myself and started chatting.

Honestly, it’s a two way street. What you call a clique is just a group of women who know each other. You need to make the effort to know them too.

Well, there were plenty of nasty mums at my sons' school. The trophy wife gang, the wealthy mums gang and the sporty set. Not many of the mums worked and they were deeply unpleasant to those who did. There were three of us (G.P., solicitor, artist) who were on the receiving end from most of the others, it made my day when I saw one of them dropping off. I'm not surprised some of us prefer male company, no bitchy comments or put downs from them.

For me, the school run and everything to do with school it puts me off men more than women. Even in families with two full-time working parents, the mothers are significantly more visible around school than the fathers, as a general rule.

Some people obsess too much about other people's opinions. I've never cared about what somebody thinks about me, I am friendly to everybody but I'm also extremely anti social and like to just be left alone. I smile, have small chat and then carry on with my day. Even in school, I never cared about the 'mean girls' because I was confident in myself.

The school gate cliqueyness is a thing- same with baby groups, PSAs etc. Our PSA was an absolute bullying horror show until the main offender and her acolytes children moved on- then it was great. There are some women who are terrible for this sort of behaviour and they gather their kind round them.
I don't find men do this but their shittiness can manifest itself in whole different ways.
You wouldn't want to be friends with them so why worry- you will find some nice women parents out there.