For making dd16 move?

@Digdongdoo

You’d downsize to a flat from a two bedroom house? And you think a teenager will be happy with that idea too?

Op needs to move to where she is happy. In 2 years DD could piss off to anywhere in the world with Uni or other choices and OP is the one stuck somewhere she only chose because of a very tiny temporary interest her daughter had in 1. A school she'll finish soon and 2. A boy. And its always the case these relationships at 16 are so very lifelong....

OP will be there longer, OP will be the one paying. So if OP has chosen this location then its because she has decided its the best option.

No I'm not suggesting a seven day week at all. Just pointing out that she has 4 days not at college within which time she could take a bit of part time work to help out. I totally understand why some would disagree with the idea - but maybe it's a way to find a compromise if she is mature enough to understand the situation and willing to start to help with household costs. The situation sounds far from ideal, if needs must and it satisfied her being able to stay though ?

Sorry but you wont- life will get in the way and you will be exhausted from driving and cribbing about costs - you will have blazing rows
I know cause my own parents did exactly what you are planning to do when i was your childs age and that exactly what happened after we moved, honestly you dont realise the fact it has on children moving at that age

It is a spectacularly shit time for her to have to move. Of course if you've absolutely no choice, then you've no choice, but I wouldn't count on her being pleased about it any time soon.
I would be doing absolutely anything to avoid it at this point though, extend mortgage, few extra shifts, DD gets a job and pays some rent, downsize to a flat...

Don’t be so stupid. Invite a stranger into the child’s home, and suggesting OP gets a second job, all so DD isn’t inconvenienced? What absolute madness. And cruel to suggest OP should work even harder than she already does.

Then you need to move and she needs to understand.

I think the AI overview on google was my downfall… I just looked up the radius on the map and it’s as far as I originally thought 🤦🏻‍♀️
I wouldn’t be happy moving that fair but I understand you think you have no choice OP. But I’ll make my original point - is there nowhere closer than 45 miles you could move to?

I don't know what posters are expecting you to do when you literally can't afford to keep your home. It sounds like a really difficult time for you, and I'm sure your DC will be okay.

Do you hear yourself?
Do people who post this rubbish actually agree with it or are you doing some kind of comedic act?
I'm genuinely asking becuase I can't believe people like you are real and function in the same society I do.

Get a bloody lodger and a seconded job?!

45 miles is a crazy distance. I commuted 33 miles for uni and it was bad enough.

It's a long way! An hour and a half drive to get to anything 45 miles away from me, and over an hour on the train not including the time to get to and from stations either end.

OP YABVU. This is a terrible time to uproot her and so far away, can you look at getting a lodger or a second job?

Im sure she'll stop complaining and want to move if the house gets robbed, she gets attacked on her way home and mobile phone stolen or heaven forbid, something worse....
She's still a child and reacting with a child's brain and lack of understanding.
You're the adult, so you make adult decisions until she is old enough to support herself and make her own choices.

I know what you mean by there being something closer but the reality is any move is going to be disruptive so if @Clarasmum444 has s place in mind where she’ll be happy long term it’s better to bite the bullet now. It sounds like a move forced by circumstance with a lot of loss all round, so best to go for what will work long term than make a short term compromise that isn’t great for anyone.

No she doesn't.
Of course DD can have her feelings. But at the end of the day its tough shit.
There are bigger things in life than teenage wants and DD isn't the most important part here.

I wouldnt even be doing this ridiculous pandering, certainly no promises of driving XYZ.
Theres a train station
She can use it or not go.
She is moving to a place OP chooses best suits her finacial needs and future.

No one who has known the stress of living in a bad area would recommend it as long as there's an alternative. Unless its suddenly gentrified you'll make a loss on the house when she leaves home and you want to sell. Its not the cheaper option because you don't intend to stay, so you can't afford to move there.

@Clarasmum444 it's all very well for people to say this is a crap time for your daughter , you know it's not great but life isn't great sometimes, you're doing your best and it will all work out, she will likely be driving soon and 45 miles will be nothing. You're obviously going through a tough time, go easy on yourself ❤️

16 year olds can't really see beyond the end of today. In her little world she'll be planning her life with new boyfriend and her friends around her, 2 years of catching a train, will seem like forever to her. Whereas we have the experience to know that it passes in a flash. I don't think she's being manipulative, I think she's just being a 16yr old.

However, Is there really nothing at all closer than 45 miles away? 45 miles in either direction gives a circle of 90miles around your current location and, in most areas of the UK, that probably includes several towns.

Move and be happy

Really she would only have max 2 days spare, unless you are seriously thinking the OP gets her daughter to essentially be working 7 days a week. 3 days at college isn't the OP"s daughter being some sort of layabout/having a jolly. If the daughter does it right, college will be a lot of work.

@Jellycatspyjamas The AIBU is "... for making DD move", not "for being annoyed that DD doesn't want to move". That's the question I'm answering. I don't think OP's kid is unreasonable for being upset.

And I have read several posts along the lines of "but can't you just hang in there for two years" or "of course she's sad, can't you find a way" which I think kind of does suggest that DD's feelings trump OP's and OP just isn't trying hard enough.

How long is the train commute? if it’s an hour that’s reasonable. That’s what mine was for years. Two hours out of life per day though is a pest.

When she gets a job it’s reasonable to expect to commute so while it’s not ideal it’s something that young people should have on the horizon. She may just have to start commuting early.

Do you drive ie can you go get her i there are any issues or it’s late etc and the trains are on strike/leaves on the line etc? Or is she scared she will be stuck in the dodgy area? How will you feel when it’s 10pm and you know shes there and she’s not answering her phone?

Is there any alternative choice like 20mims commute or something in say the opposite direction or is it too dear/crap there?

I don’t see anyone saying the daughter’s feelings trump financial reality. The OP is posting like her daughter is being completely unreasonable in not wanting to move - she can’t expect her daughter to be happy with such a move. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t do it but a bit of compassion goes a long way.