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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are going to be broken into or worse

132 replies

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:46

Apologies for the long post but please help me to understand if I am overreacting as I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight or ever again in this house.

DS (17) has never been able to develop friendships at school and whenever he is placed in a social setting he comes over as much younger than his real age and is so desperate to be liked and to have friends that he does have a habit of over-sharing and trusting people who he probably shouldn't. Over the last 12 months or so, since leaving school, he is spending more and more time on his phone, which has exponentially increased this risk. I am not active on social media, but as an example in just a couple of months he has developed a network of thousands of "friends" on Snapchat largely from adding random people who he has never even spoken to and then blasting them with messages. Some respond and he immediately thinks they are his friends. We have been able to protect him from some obvious trolls and catfishes, but I am worried that he is now putting us and our other DCs at risk.

By way of background, as a family we are comfortably off and we do have quite a big house with a few acres of land in the countryside, about seven miles from the nearest town. However, my DS has no concept of money, and now seems to have convinced himself that we are millionaires with lots of cash to splurge. I don't know if he really believes this or if it is part of his fictional life to make himself more popular with his online "friends". We have explained to him the reality that we studied hard and worked hard and we have been very lucky, but we are really not rich by any means.

Anyhow, tonight my DD (14) came downstairs and said that basically he has been sharing messages via Snapchat and other SM sites with loads of people in the UK and overseas telling them that we are millionaires and how we have this huge mansion full of amazing stuff. The thing that really terrifies me is that when people came back to him online and either did not believe him or asked for more information, he has been sending them the precise location of our house, which is in the middle of nowhere.

DP and I have tried to explain to him how dangerous this is, but he just thinks he is being honest with people and that we should be proud of all our stuff and he really doesn't understand why we are worried.

I do think this is all part of him trying to show off to make friends, but I am now genuinely terrified that some random people that have seen or heard about his online messages are going to pull up outside our home at any minute to help themselves to all this amazing stuff they think is in our house, and god knows what they will do when they find our younger DCs asleep in their beds.

How on earth do I get DS to stop posting these crazy messages, which are already out there and can never be taken back anyway?

So please, tell me, AIBU and this is just a teenager being a bit silly and nothing will happen, or AINBU to be scared for the safety of my family and home and this fear could continue for as long as we live in this house as those messages including our location can never be unseen by any dodgy characters that have seen them?

OP posts:
Original poster
14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 12:09

We’ve spoken to specialists within our county council when he was excluded from a previous school, we’ve spoken to CAMHS, we’ve spoken to our GP; we’ve spoken to his last school. They haven’t been able to provide us with anything. We have been left totally alone.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 15/08/2025 12:08

Absolutely take the phone away and block him on Snapchat.

Are you spelling it out for him? Showing him that people will use this information to then target houses to break into? There are plenty of police education videos that share tips on this you could show him?

If he has been sheltered from the reality of the world as you don’t want to scare him, then it’s no wonder he doesn’t realise.

And yes, if he is rude about people in earshot, he will provoke an attack. That needs cutting out straight away.

Inertia · 15/08/2025 12:07

Whatever the reasons for your son’s behaviour- a diagnosable medical condition, or thoughtlessness, or selfishness- his behaviour isn’t safe or acceptable, and you as parents need to do something about it instead of pandering and making empty threats.

You also need to protect your other children. They shouldn’t be facing threats of violence in their own home.

purplecorkheart · 15/08/2025 12:04

You need to get him privately assessed. It is not fair on all of you living like this.

Look at getting monitored alarm with a panic button, cctv, but to be honest I would be more worried about your son being blackmailed into sending nudes etc.

DaisyChain505 · 15/08/2025 12:02

How have you gone this long just leaving things as they are and not getting professional help?

Go private if you have to.

He needs to be given the tools to help him live his life.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/08/2025 11:58

He needs professional help. Forget the powers that be. Arrange it privately.

Original poster
14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 11:56

Stompythedinosaur · 15/08/2025 10:40

I agree with pps. He can't manage internet access safely, so you have to restrict or supervise this. Of course he won't be happy, but he's putting your whole family at risk.

I definitely think it's probably worth considering whether autism or a cognitive difficulty could be a factor here as this seems very unusual for a 17yo to not be able to understand the risk.

These comments are really helpful because we know he is autistic or similar but we’ve never been able to get those in power to assess him and give him that diagnosis.

He has zero risk assessment. His 16 year old sister when they go out says she is amazed that he has never been beaten up given the comments he makes about people within their earshot.

We have tried to educate him about life and risk but he thinks he knows everything which is so far from the truth. I am terrified that in future he will be set up to take drugs through customs or similar as it would never occur to him to say no, no matter what we say.

He also gets physically violent and starts smashing things in the house if anything doesn’t go his way. His dad can stop him if he starts threatening his siblings, but that doesn’t stop him smashing something on his way out. Arguing with him never gets anywhere because he doesn’t get the issue so it just turns into him shouting at length.

i know it is easy for most parents with reasonably normal kids to say “be the parent” or “impose boundaries”, but when that ends with everything he can get his hands on smashed with no progress on whatever the issue in question is, it just becomes exhausting.

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 15/08/2025 11:44

I can’t believe that you didn’t remove your son’s phone as soon as this came to light. How is he managing outside the home? You said he has left school so presumably he’s in some sort of training or employment as he’s under 18?

If this was me, I would be feeling very vulnerable and if you haven’t already got a security system, I would get one installed immediately, together with CCTV.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/08/2025 11:40

Rainallnight · 15/08/2025 00:09

All of this is absolutely correct. The phone needs to be removed for everyone’s safety.

Does he have any SEN? It sounds as though this goes beyond having difficulty making friends.

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This. Has he ever been assessed?

Original poster
14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 11:39

Locutus2000 · 15/08/2025 10:41

The kid will only be repeating what he has heard adults say.

Well I’ve never heard any adult say that about us.

OP posts:
Original poster
14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 11:38

time4anothername · 15/08/2025 00:20

do you mean he has been refused assessment up until now or that they assessed and did not diagnose anything? He really needs help now as he sounds very vulnerable and you are all at risk from this.

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We have always been refused an assessment because he doesn’t meet the criteria, even though we have had letters from his GP and teachers. Apparently his behaviour is not bad enough, though I think that is because we have managed him so much.

OP posts:
RowanRed90 · 15/08/2025 11:24

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:58

We do, and we do threaten to limit his access to apps if he does not act responsibly, which we did follow through on before he turned 16. However, if we blocked him from Snapchat or any other apps now I don't think he would be able to see this as a reasonable reaction to a behaviour that he sees as something harmless. He views social media as a way to make friends that he has never been able to do before and to cut him off from that would be excessive in his eyes.

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They're not friends though are they? He needs opportunities to make friends IRL or at least develop his social skills and wise up frankly, he sounds dangerously naive.

Perhaps a job?

BIossomtoes · 15/08/2025 11:19

Locutus2000 · 15/08/2025 10:41

The kid will only be repeating what he has heard adults say.

Don’t be ridiculous. Kids invent all sorts of shit. Imaginary friends are very common.

EasternStandard · 15/08/2025 11:13

MasterBeth · 15/08/2025 10:41

No, they're not.

I could go online and find a hundred big houses in the country in the next couple of hours that are, no doubt, filled with valuables.

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True

Locutus2000 · 15/08/2025 10:41

The kid will only be repeating what he has heard adults say.

MasterBeth · 15/08/2025 10:41

Beammeupscotty2025 · 15/08/2025 09:10

Sell and move asap. You are all vulnerable now.

No, they're not.

I could go online and find a hundred big houses in the country in the next couple of hours that are, no doubt, filled with valuables.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/08/2025 10:40

I agree with pps. He can't manage internet access safely, so you have to restrict or supervise this. Of course he won't be happy, but he's putting your whole family at risk.

I definitely think it's probably worth considering whether autism or a cognitive difficulty could be a factor here as this seems very unusual for a 17yo to not be able to understand the risk.

MasterBeth · 15/08/2025 10:36

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:58

We do, and we do threaten to limit his access to apps if he does not act responsibly, which we did follow through on before he turned 16. However, if we blocked him from Snapchat or any other apps now I don't think he would be able to see this as a reasonable reaction to a behaviour that he sees as something harmless. He views social media as a way to make friends that he has never been able to do before and to cut him off from that would be excessive in his eyes.

Show quote history

It doesn't matter what your son thinks is a reasonable reaction.

What do you think is a reasonable reaction?

ProudCat · 15/08/2025 10:33

My son (who's in his 30s) is disabled and has significant learning difficulties. I myself am autistic. Your son is displaying a form of behaviour that's way off the charts. I don't think you're simply talking about ASD here.

I strongly suggest you immediately contact a private psychiatrist and get him assessed.

BlankTimes · 15/08/2025 10:10

Come on OP. You are not dealing with an NT 17 year old who you would expect would never have divulged that information to anyone.
You are not dealing with an NT 17 year old who can see the consequences of his own actions.

You are dealing with an emotionally very immature young boy around 12 to 13 years old in a bigger boy's body.

With immediate effect, you need to parent him as you would parent a ND 12/13 year old.
If you haven't already removed his phone, do it now. It doesn't matter if he's miffed, he is not emotionally mature enough to understand the implications of his actions.

You need to be absolutely on top of his actions, does he have a spare phone or siblings' who he could access, if so remove those too.

It's imperative that you understand that he is not just a bit scatty, doesn't relate to peers well, any other excuse you have used for years to minimise his behaviour, etc. He has a definite processing problem which leads to his emotional immaturity and you need to take action immediately, starting with removing his phone and Internet access on all devices until he is mature enough to understand online behaviour.

It's not easy, but you have to parent him now.

HerecomesMargo · 15/08/2025 09:22

cc99xo · 15/08/2025 09:12

This is incredibly immature for a 17 year old. He should 100% have the common sense to know better at his age. This

Exactly and the op still has allowed him his phone!
She wants to be his friend more than his parent

HerecomesMargo · 15/08/2025 09:21

He’s 17yo, yet you speak of him like he’s 8 and doesn’t understand the world. Knock some sense into his bloody head.
tell him that he desperately wants friends and putting your family in danger. Take his phone off him! What are you dithering over?

Tell him in plain and clear terms how much danger he has caused. Why are you tip toeing around him and why does he still have his phone?

BIossomtoes · 15/08/2025 09:15

to cut him off from that would be excessive in his eyes.

Tough. Actions have consequences. He clearly lacks the maturity to use social media.

icouldholditwithacobweb · 15/08/2025 09:14

His phone would be gone and the internet passcode would be changed and there is no way I would be allowing this to continue for one more second after you had discovered what he's been doing.

It doesn't matter if he may think he's making friends; YOU know he isn't and you are the parent here. It's literally your job to protect him and your other children, even if that means protecting him from himself - which is what needs to happen right now.

It doesn't matter if he has a formal diagnosis or not, if you know (strongly suspect) he has ASD treat him as such and take whatever steps you need to take and make whatever adjustments you need to make to enable him to be safe online and to make real life friends.

Mytyfy · 15/08/2025 09:14

Beammeupscotty2025 · 15/08/2025 09:10

Sell and move asap. You are all vulnerable now.

Nonsense. Upgrade security for sure but moving won’t achieve one bit if the spoiled prince doesn’t understand what he does and he will create the same situation again.

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