To think we are going to be broken into or worse

This is shocking, OP. I wonder if it might be easier when he's 18 and comes under adult services?

I was able to get an autism assessment really easily: I went through a questionnaire with my GP, was referred to Right To Choose, and got my assessment a year later. My friend waited 6 years for an assessment for her son, she was gobsmacked that I got mine so quickly.

Unless you're in London you should be able to get a decent comprehensive assessment for less than this.

Ne Very clear What you want... I guess a combination of assessment, diagnosis and then a package of ongoing support involving his GP (obvs this will cost more than just an assessment). I'd approach the BPS and ask for clinical psychologists expert in ASD assessment.

Endangering the family is seen as a reasonable price to pay for friends in his eyes so I'm not sure his judgement should be your guide regarding what is appropriate for you to do to stop him. Take his smart phone off him and get him a dumb phone.

So your son was permanently excluded and you didn’t think to ask for a detailed explanation and to meet with the head teacher before he had to leave?

It sounds like you’ve buried your head about things for a long time. It’s time to pull your head out and go down the private route.

Yup, time to act is now. Pay for a private assessment asap, as suggested above. You need to know what you are dealing with so you can better support your son going forward. He’s going to end up in trouble of some sort sooner rather than later if you dont. You need to protect your other children now, given what’s he’s up to on social media. Ring door bell, house alarm, etc. And yes, I hope it’s obvious now his phone needs to go until he can be helped to understand how to use it safely. So sorry op, this must be really tough, but you can take action now to start too sort things.

I’m afraid it sounds like the time to ask others to intervene has now passed and so you’re going to have to take to bull by the horns, especially as he’s now out of education. Use these next few months to put some plans into action. You need to intervene asap.

First, speak to contacts/friends/your GP to get recommendations for a child psychologist. There’s clearly something going on here and you can’t help your son if you don’t know what it is. They’ll be able to carry out an initial assessment and arrange for the second opinion needed for an SEN diagnosis. You’ll have to pay for this privately if you want anything to happen within six months. From there, you can look at an EHCP.

The psychologist may also be able to work with your son to help him understand himself better and link behaviour to consequences. They can talk through strategies for managing big feelings and help with self-esteem.

Good luck OP - this is so much more than just online behaviour issues, but with the right support you can all start to build a better future for your son.

You don't need him to see it as reasonable; you need to tell him how things are going to be while he's under your roof. You don't need his agreement or permission. Take the phone for a week or two, then tell him he only gets it back if he assures you these kinds of posts are going to stop, and if it happens again he'll be losing it again, and stick to your word. All you're doing is teaching him the accepted "rules" of social media, such as "don't post other people's personal stuff without their consent". Which are the same for adults. If he makes RL friends, he needs to know he can't post pics of the inside of their homes without their permission, and nor can he just brush off their objections to his behaviour by saying that he thinks it's fine so case closed. It won't help him in the long term to teach him that societal restrictions on his behaviour only apply if he agrees with them.

Set the rules, stick to them, and let him "see it" how he chooses. His thoughts are his own; but in this case, you are entitled to put a stop to the behaviour.

Ask for a detailed explanation then, I'd email the school and ask for a meeting, and also explain your concerns regarding his likely ASD. Even though it's unlikely to get him back in, it will be good for you to have a detailed explanation of exactly what behaviour has led to this point, with pastoral and a member of SLT is who'd I'd be looking to speak with. Surely for a permanent exclusion you had a meeting with teachers and governors as well?

You know now, so you can fix it.
Many DC get lost in the system.
My 16 y.o is okay with school, she's in a special education class, a few teenagers have opted for youth reach type training over the leaving certificate/A levels equivalent.
My DD attends a youth café I was worried at first, they're are like-minded with mad hair colours.
I'd look for alternative training and education.
He hasn't settled in mainstream.
A private assessment will guarantee him EHCP. Double check with the Council’s when you book a psychologist assessment.

Some excellent advice here OP re removing phobe/ SM access for now, ASD assessment etc so I won't repeat what others have said, but in addition I think you need to apply for an EHCP ASAP if he does 't already have one (this goes up to age 25 so not finishing when he turns 18), and talk with him about how you can help him to fulfill that need to make friends. Taking the phone away and getting a diagnosis will not take away that strong need for connection and he will keep looking for it in risky ways if he doesn't know how to do so in a safe way. He may find it easier to click with other neurodivergent people. Does he have any hobbies or interests that he could attend a group for? You might have to consider shadowing him at the group to support. If he gets a diagnosis, check your local offer as there could be groups for young people with SEN to provide more scaffolding if needed for social activities.

No offence @14HoursToSaveTheEarth but I can’t believe incredibly indifferent and disinterested you are in what’s going on with your son.

Immediate steps:

Take his phone.
Get a security system up with cameras and alarms.
Check doors and windows are strong and locks are anti-snap.
Call for a PCSO to come and speak to him about the risks of his actions.

Longer term:

Push as far as you can while he is still under 18 or in education for an assessment. Go privately if you need.
Look at strategies for instilling risk awareness in people with autism and autism parenting techniques.

Have you contacted the police? Sorry if I’ve missed an update. I definitely would, just to log it in case anything happens and you need them to come out quickly and be aware of the situation.

If you’re well-off, can’t you get him a private diagnosis?

I would also remove the phone - the fact that you say “he would feel this is excessive” is very telling. It’s not his call to make if he’s putting you all at risk. You’re the parent and you make the judgement.

Get him assessed privately! As soon as you can.

Why was he permanently excluded? If its due to behaviour linked to his likely ASD, I'd make sure wherever he goes next you get accommodations for his ASD even without diagnosis they should put them in place to support him and reduce the chance of another exclusion. If you can go private through right to choose after an initial GP visit is what I'd try to do.

They're all trying to save money. Basing his needs against others, the other children aren't your problem, all the children are their problem, they have to choose the most in need.
Google assessments, get a GP referral.
It doesn't have to be a multidisciplinary assessment, start with a psychologist assessment, they'll advise you further.

I would seriously be looking at some security if you can afford it. Security shutters on windows and doors for instance. Unfortunately your son has compromised your safety and I would be delving deeply in to what measures I can take.

I don't understand why more parents won't take the private route when they can afford it, the school may refuse and NHS.

I'd sell sticks for the money as without intervention it gets worse, poor lad, so isolated from the real world.

OP just to address your concerns, I don't think you have to worry about a break in, many children on YouTube are absolute minted and show everything that they own.

Deal with his emotional issues first.

A private assessment is around £3.5k. While you’re not millionaires it sounds like this is within your reach. We recently made financial scarifies for this. The alternative is you ask the GP for a right to choose referal.

What is he doing at the moment? As he’s under 18 he is required to be in education, employement, or training.

Private.