Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are going to be broken into or worse

132 replies

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 14/08/2025 23:46

Apologies for the long post but please help me to understand if I am overreacting as I have no idea how I am going to sleep tonight or ever again in this house.

DS (17) has never been able to develop friendships at school and whenever he is placed in a social setting he comes over as much younger than his real age and is so desperate to be liked and to have friends that he does have a habit of over-sharing and trusting people who he probably shouldn't. Over the last 12 months or so, since leaving school, he is spending more and more time on his phone, which has exponentially increased this risk. I am not active on social media, but as an example in just a couple of months he has developed a network of thousands of "friends" on Snapchat largely from adding random people who he has never even spoken to and then blasting them with messages. Some respond and he immediately thinks they are his friends. We have been able to protect him from some obvious trolls and catfishes, but I am worried that he is now putting us and our other DCs at risk.

By way of background, as a family we are comfortably off and we do have quite a big house with a few acres of land in the countryside, about seven miles from the nearest town. However, my DS has no concept of money, and now seems to have convinced himself that we are millionaires with lots of cash to splurge. I don't know if he really believes this or if it is part of his fictional life to make himself more popular with his online "friends". We have explained to him the reality that we studied hard and worked hard and we have been very lucky, but we are really not rich by any means.

Anyhow, tonight my DD (14) came downstairs and said that basically he has been sharing messages via Snapchat and other SM sites with loads of people in the UK and overseas telling them that we are millionaires and how we have this huge mansion full of amazing stuff. The thing that really terrifies me is that when people came back to him online and either did not believe him or asked for more information, he has been sending them the precise location of our house, which is in the middle of nowhere.

DP and I have tried to explain to him how dangerous this is, but he just thinks he is being honest with people and that we should be proud of all our stuff and he really doesn't understand why we are worried.

I do think this is all part of him trying to show off to make friends, but I am now genuinely terrified that some random people that have seen or heard about his online messages are going to pull up outside our home at any minute to help themselves to all this amazing stuff they think is in our house, and god knows what they will do when they find our younger DCs asleep in their beds.

How on earth do I get DS to stop posting these crazy messages, which are already out there and can never be taken back anyway?

So please, tell me, AIBU and this is just a teenager being a bit silly and nothing will happen, or AINBU to be scared for the safety of my family and home and this fear could continue for as long as we live in this house as those messages including our location can never be unseen by any dodgy characters that have seen them?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Tofudinosaur · 16/08/2025 10:12

Op I think you are getting some awful responses on here I’m sorry. But There is one from a police officer - do look at that.

I can only assume a lot of people on here have no concept of childhood trauma in adopted children and the lasting damage that can do, coupled with the higher rates of learning difficulties which can present through to exposure in pregnancy to drugs and alcohol, as well as environmental factors like neglect in early childhood etc.

The boundaries you need here will need to be different. If you can afford any private interventions for healthcare do it! To me he sounds like he might have autism and adhd. That can be a very difficult mix in boys and spiral into trouble with police etc. That’s why I think you should get police on your side as he is heading to adult hood. But look at a diagnosis and look at some of the long lasting adhd treatments as these will calm his impulsivity enough to reason with him hopefully and then counselling might help. He will be highly unlikely to take up counselling in the state he seems to be in now - impulsive, defiant, volatile, irrational…

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sounds like a terrible struggle. Try use this episode as a catalyst to really try get him help though as otherwise I think the whole family will suffer here.

IamNotBeingUnreasonable · 16/08/2025 06:28

Why on earth haven't you taken his phone away before now?
He's obviously vulnerable and he's put the whole family at risk.

spoonbillstretford · 16/08/2025 05:42

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 00:14

He has never been diagnosed with any SEN despite us begging for an assessment with the vocal support of our GP and his teachers. However, his teachers have commented that they have ASD kids at school and DS's behaviour is way more extreme and ASD-typical than many of theirs.

Show quote history

Sounds like he ought to have had a private assessment years ago. He may not consent to that now. It sounds like he is so young for his age that he may struggle to live independently.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 16/08/2025 05:40

You must understand that he's not mature enough for a phone.

He gets a brick with no Internet that he has for safety to and from school. If he kicks off, stand firm and say you aren't having him endangering the family.

I also agree that he sounds ND and you might want to discuss his behaviour with a GP, or ask his teachers if they've noticed anything.

Mytyfy · 16/08/2025 05:27

Ruby1985 · 16/08/2025 00:49

Go and learn how to string a coherent sentence, before judging others!

Show quote history

Nothing incoherent about my sentence. The passiveness and disinterest in his welfare is astonishing. But I stopped reading after the drip feeding started

Yachties · 16/08/2025 05:25

You need to pay to get him assessed privately (use some of your millions or sell some of the stuff in your mansion ). Get a reputable psychiatrist or psychologist, check they are correctly registered with their professional body and read reviews. Also get him some CBT sessions with a psychologist who can explore his thinking on this and get him to manage the impulses to do this.
as another poster suggested get the local police to talk to him.
Get a security company round like Verisure and get a good system in.
or move house.

Ohyay · 16/08/2025 05:21

Hi OP.

Police here. I would contact 101 and explain the situation. As someone mentioned it would be good to get to know your local PCSO who they / your forces crime prevention team will be able to give you some home security advice. They will be able to submit an intelligence report on your address showing that your son has been disclosing your location online, this can then ensure your address is on the polices radar, your location is known and patrols can take place.

Should you ever need to ring 999 being rural this will ensure your address can be located asap.

Your son needs to ensure his location on snapchat is off. Irrespective of his views he has created a potentially risky situation. Not only for burglaries but people trepassing, illegal meet ups (you have lots of land) drop off points etc etc.

Call 101 and ask to speak to your neighbourhood officers in person. They will arrange someone to come out.

Take care

Luckyforsome23 · 16/08/2025 04:57

https://www.breckfoundation.org/Online Safety | Breck Foundation

I am sorry you are getting some rude responses on here. You could show him these resources or talk to this charity for help with the online safety angle. Breck was a teenager who trusted the wrong person online and was murdered. His family set up this charity to help young people learn about the risks of online spaces and to share Breck’s story.

Online Safety | Breck Foundation

Breck Foundation helps children and young people reclaim the internet – focused on online grooming, online safety and online exploitation. Together we can reach a future where children are safe online.

https://www.breckfoundation.org/

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/08/2025 01:16

Notatallanamechange · 16/08/2025 00:21

Surely, on a very basic level, there’s also a level of risk of him being in touch with someone younger and that potentially ‘developing’ into something he doesn’t realise is a real risk if he feels liked? Sorry, that’s not to scare you but genuinely I really think for his own safety his phone needs to be coming off him until you can get an assessment arranged and the support he needs in place.

Yep, this is a risk.
Whenever I see one of the pedophile hunter stings, most of time the perpetrator is usually a vulnerable adult.
Not excusing it, it is dangerous to interact without the sense for social etiquette

Ruby1985 · 16/08/2025 00:49

Mytyfy · 15/08/2025 13:01

No offence @14HoursToSaveTheEarth but I can’t believe incredibly indifferent and disinterested you are in what’s going on with your son.

Go and learn how to string a coherent sentence, before judging others!

Velmy · 16/08/2025 00:48

It's extremely unlikely that someone would travel to rob your house.

Unless you've got works of art, a Rolex collection, a safe full of diamonds etc, burglars are generally sticking to their local area. And some random scroats from Snapchat aren't plotting diamond robberies.

What I would be worried about is him inviting one/some of these 'friends' to your house, or planning a party to impress them while you're away. That could end badly.

It sounds like your son is extremely naive/immature. He needs a serious lesson on online safety, and his access restricting. It doesn't matter if he thinks it's reasonable or not. When he's paying for his own house/phone/internet, he can make his own rules. While his living with you, he plays by yours.

ClassicalQueen · 16/08/2025 00:28

Please take the phone away, he seems very vulnerable and if he is easily tricked into revealing his location etc, who knows what else he is willing to do or share. It’s for his safety and yours.

Notatallanamechange · 16/08/2025 00:21

Surely, on a very basic level, there’s also a level of risk of him being in touch with someone younger and that potentially ‘developing’ into something he doesn’t realise is a real risk if he feels liked? Sorry, that’s not to scare you but genuinely I really think for his own safety his phone needs to be coming off him until you can get an assessment arranged and the support he needs in place.

Iamaslummymummy · 16/08/2025 00:16

“One study showed that in Peterborough as many as 75% of the children available for adoption were exposed to alcohol in the womb."

Iamaslummymummy · 16/08/2025 00:15

As he's adopted, I know that there is foetal alcohol spectrum disorder that is common in LAC. Often very similar issues to ASD.

Original poster
14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 16/08/2025 00:00

@PoppySaidYesIKnow : It’s a shame he’s got to this age and stage with no real understanding of his needs.

But I think there has always been an understanding of his needs. As an adopted child we have had many meetings with social workers over the years to discuss his needs, together with his teachers and other professionals. They understand his needs (or at least that he has always had them), there is just no money.

OP posts:
Original poster
14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 23:49

@mummybearSW19 : How was he permanently excluded without your involvement?

Because he was not at a school, he was on a private training course for a trade that he wanted to do. He received warnings that he never told us about, he told us everything was fine except some of the other trainees were annoying, and the first thing we heard was after he was already excluded from the course. Maybe I should have said thrown off rather than excluded.

My four DCs are adopted and three of them have been permanently excluded from a total of six schools (actual schools so not including this incident). I have always fought for their side and that number would be much higher than six if it hadn't been for me and DH being activated.

But I am taking note of the advice on this thread.

OP posts:
PoppySaidYesIKnow · 15/08/2025 23:36

Remove the phone completely. Get your daughter to help with removing Snapchat from it anyway, and anything else that has location sharing. He sounds very typical of someone with autism, pursue a private diagnosis if you can. He needs lots of support and help in understanding the social motivations of others. It’s a shame he’s got to this age and stage with no real understanding of his needs. But, take the phone away, I know it’s harsh but the risks are real.

mummybearSW19 · 15/08/2025 22:56

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 12:57

We didn’t get a detailed explanation (he probably did) but my impression was that he was being belligerent and getting into arguments. I heard examples of days when other trainees had tried to tell him what he needed to do (in order to be helpful) and he reacted badly as they “can’t tell me what to do”. I’m sure his language to them was much stronger.

Show quote history

How was he permanently excluded without your involvement? Mama Bear mode needs to be activitated.

This is a child in distress. He needs you to know absolutely everything and you need to act to put in the scaffolding - ie the boundaries and support - he needs to be the best that he can be.

do not be ambivalent. FIGHT. Ffs woman. You are his mother. Help him. No one else will. he is vulnerable. He needs you.

mummybearSW19 · 15/08/2025 22:56

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 12:57

We didn’t get a detailed explanation (he probably did) but my impression was that he was being belligerent and getting into arguments. I heard examples of days when other trainees had tried to tell him what he needed to do (in order to be helpful) and he reacted badly as they “can’t tell me what to do”. I’m sure his language to them was much stronger.

Show quote history

How was he permanently excluded without your involvement? Mama Bear mode needs to be activitated.

This is a child in distress. He needs you to know absolutely everything and you need to act to put in the scaffolding - ie the boundaries and support - he needs to be the best that he can be.

do not be ambivalent. FIGHT. Ffs woman. You are his mother. Help him. No one else will. he is vulnerable. He needs you.

mummybearSW19 · 15/08/2025 22:56

14HoursToSaveTheEarth · 15/08/2025 12:57

We didn’t get a detailed explanation (he probably did) but my impression was that he was being belligerent and getting into arguments. I heard examples of days when other trainees had tried to tell him what he needed to do (in order to be helpful) and he reacted badly as they “can’t tell me what to do”. I’m sure his language to them was much stronger.

Show quote history

How was he permanently excluded without your involvement? Mama Bear mode needs to be activitated.

This is a child in distress. He needs you to know absolutely everything and you need to act to put in the scaffolding - ie the boundaries and support - he needs to be the best that he can be.

do not be ambivalent. FIGHT. Ffs woman. You are his mother. Help him. No one else will. he is vulnerable. He needs you.

kim204 · 15/08/2025 21:26

OP you've got money by the sounds of it, for gods sake get him privately assessed for ASD. Once you have him privately assessed it will probably be easier to insist on an NHS assessment. Also and ECHP. He needs help, he sounds very vulnerable.

ClaredeBear · 15/08/2025 20:59

As others have said, remove his internet access full stop. He’s obviously a huge liability otherwise. It’s probably worth explaining what an absolute show off he’s going to be perceived as and how he will likely be disliked for this, particularly to those less fortunate then him.

LaDeeDaDeeDumb · 15/08/2025 20:57

You’ve got some good advice here re getting your son a diagnosis. In the meantime, could you post on his social media accounts and say something like “My 12 year old son has been leading you all on with a fantasy life, sorry. We don’t even live in X, and are certainly not millionaires! He’s having his internet privileges revoked!”

And he can open some new accounts when he’s got more awareness of internet safety?

Most people probably don’t believe him, but you never know!

Maray1967 · 15/08/2025 20:42

He is being very irresponsible and immature. My DS17 has known for a good few years that he must not do this. You need to take his phone off him until he has the maturity to use it sensibly.