How to be less reactive/crazy?

Amicrazyyy · 2025-08-14T19:54:17+00:00

I know my biggest flaw is I’m very reactive. In my defence I never start anything and I’m very polite and well -mannered but I do over react to situations. I wa t to stop doing this - how can I? Some examples: a couple were in my driveway taking pictures a few weeks ago I came out and asked them what they’re doing and asked them to leave. I know my DH would make polite conversation but I just got triggered. My child tells me another child hit or pushed him and I immediately contact the mother (or school if I don’t know her) to let her know what happened. I just don’t want too live in this state of hyper vigilance.

Namechangerage · 14/08/2025 23:29

Amicrazyyy · 14/08/2025 21:32

Yes he is very conflict avoidant. He tells me to stop letting things get to me and he just wants to be happy and makes me feel I’m being difficult. He’s never once defended me with his mum and sisters. I’ve been married 15 years and they could literally say anything to me and he does t respond. I wrote a lot about them under a different name when my DD was born 11 years ago.

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Tell him that’s his choice to react that way, but he doesn’t get to dictate how you react…

nothing you describe sounds bad! You seem totally normal.

MavisandHetty · 14/08/2025 23:24

Yet another example of a woman who will contort herself to fit her husband’s expectations, while he not only doesn’t change to suit hers but aggressively projects himself on her.

You’re not at all reactive or crazy. Your DH is pushing you to be what he wants you to be (passive and a doormat) so that he can be happy. To the point of asking strangers how to be less crazy, when really if you’d been a man nothing you’ve given examples of would warrant a second thought.

TwoWheelz · 14/08/2025 23:13

The trick is to wait 24 or 48 hours before communicating

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2025 23:08

Barney16 · 14/08/2025 22:39

You sound similar to my partner. I find it excruciating. I just walk away and pretend I'm not with him. I have talked to him but he doesn't change. I see it as a defensive strategy but it's still very wearing. Example recently was a bloke sat in his car outside our house making a phone call. Partner went out of our house and told him to move on.

How is that ‘excruciating’?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 14/08/2025 23:02

I don't think these are overreactions.

In my opinion, lots of people underreact because they're scared of rocking the boat.

It's a strength to have boundaries, enact them, be assertive, and stand true to your convictions.

Barney16 · 14/08/2025 22:39

You sound similar to my partner. I find it excruciating. I just walk away and pretend I'm not with him. I have talked to him but he doesn't change. I see it as a defensive strategy but it's still very wearing. Example recently was a bloke sat in his car outside our house making a phone call. Partner went out of our house and told him to move on.

JLou08 · 14/08/2025 22:28

You don't sound crazy. You need to work on feeling guilty for defending your child more than work on being reactive.

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2025 21:49

YellowZebraStripes · 14/08/2025 21:39

Maybe you are just worrying if you are too much, which is common female thing to worry about 😆, or if you were harsh - doesn't really matter as long as you were right!

Are you me? 🤣

YellowZebraStripes · 14/08/2025 21:39

Maybe you are just worrying if you are too much, which is common female thing to worry about 😆, or if you were harsh - doesn't really matter as long as you were right!

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2025 21:38

Imagine reacting perfectly normally to
those situations you listed @Amicrazyyy and being told you’re crazy.

You need a serious talk with your husband. I suspect this is the tip of a dysfunctional marriage-shaped iceberg

WorkCleanRepeat · 14/08/2025 21:38

If you are regularly feeling bad about the way you've handled situations after the event you're reacting rather than responding and probably need to take some time to think first.

I do actually think a couple of the situations you describe you've had an exaggerated response to but I'm pretty laid back.

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2025 21:36

@Amicrazyyy so the actual issue is your DH is a tool and never has your back?

SeeYouWhenISeeYou · 14/08/2025 21:36

He just wants an easy life even if his passivity makes you unhappy

JamDisaster · 14/08/2025 21:35

Your DH sounds like a right wet lettuce. I wouldn’t necessarily do the same as you in your examples but they’re all fine.

Original poster

Amicrazyyy · 14/08/2025 21:32

SeeYouWhenISeeYou · 14/08/2025 21:29

Your upbringing, yes, but maybe also your DH? Is he very conflict avoidant, maybe a little wet at times even?

Yes he is very conflict avoidant. He tells me to stop letting things get to me and he just wants to be happy and makes me feel I’m being difficult. He’s never once defended me with his mum and sisters. I’ve been married 15 years and they could literally say anything to me and he does t respond. I wrote a lot about them under a different name when my DD was born 11 years ago.

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Cranberryavocado · 14/08/2025 21:30

In your examples, I would have done the same. And I am actually a laid back type of person.

SeeYouWhenISeeYou · 14/08/2025 21:29

Your upbringing, yes, but maybe also your DH? Is he very conflict avoidant, maybe a little wet at times even?

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2025 21:27

Amicrazyyy · 14/08/2025 21:20

@Merryoldgoat at the time I didn’t know this was a game! My DH told me how the hell have I not heard of this game, but what annoyed me was the mother was ranting at me on WhatsApp saying it’s just a game and he’s just being a kid but no one backed me up. I felt really embarrassed by her reaction. Plus calling me intimidating

If my 12 yo did this I’d tell you ‘thank you for telling me’, apologise, and read him the riot act.

So what if it’s a game? Doesn’t make it ok. It’s a game designed to piss people off. Fuck. That.

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2025 21:25

@Amicrazyyy

It’s very interesting. People constantly joke ‘don’t mess with Merry’ at work. However I’ve never lost my temper, been rude to anyone, done anything controversial. But I speak my mind, disagree respectfully, and don’t allow rudeness from others. It’s clear that the norm is to make oneself ‘small’ and I’m not doing that for anyone.

Olinguita · 14/08/2025 21:23

I opened this thread with interest as I sometimes have moments of being reactive and want to work on it. But reading your examples I simply don't think you have a problem. Your responses were proportionate and warranted.

Original poster

Amicrazyyy · 14/08/2025 21:21

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2025 21:16

@Amicrazyyy

I think your upbringing plays a big part in this. I was brought up to stand up for myself and my mum led by example. I have no issues advocating for myself in any situation. I’m also entirely unconcerned what people think about me.

I think that’s unusual and in my experience most women I know are chronically worried about how they are viewed and desperate to be liked.

If this has been your experience until children (where you now have a visceral desire to protect them) you probably have an internal conflict where you think you should be more meek but you don’t actually want to be.

This makes so much sense. Thank you

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Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2025 21:21

I also think people test you so if, after the first barb, you pull them up, they think ‘ok, she’s not having my shit’ but if you try to laugh it off then they escalate their shit and 6 months later you’re the focus of their nastiness.

Which is partly why workplace bullying is rife, and people get so beaten down.

You sound fine @Amicrazyyy

Original poster

Amicrazyyy · 14/08/2025 21:20

@Merryoldgoat at the time I didn’t know this was a game! My DH told me how the hell have I not heard of this game, but what annoyed me was the mother was ranting at me on WhatsApp saying it’s just a game and he’s just being a kid but no one backed me up. I felt really embarrassed by her reaction. Plus calling me intimidating

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Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2025 21:17

Amicrazyyy · 14/08/2025 21:14

What about this example: there are around 25 houses in the area we live. Small new build kind of like a cul-de-sac, private entry. A teen kept ringing my doorbell and running away. I got really fed up and put the picture on the street WhatsApp asking if anyone knew this kid and ask him to stop. DH said I was out of order and the mother told me it’s just a game and I’m being intimidating by posting his picture. I still feel embarrassed about it and wish I hadn’t. I did delete it after and always intended to but just wanted it stopped. I felt he was invading my space and felt get angry at the time.

This is entirely reasonable. A fucking teenager playing knock down ginger? Fuck that.

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2025 21:16

@Amicrazyyy

I think your upbringing plays a big part in this. I was brought up to stand up for myself and my mum led by example. I have no issues advocating for myself in any situation. I’m also entirely unconcerned what people think about me.

I think that’s unusual and in my experience most women I know are chronically worried about how they are viewed and desperate to be liked.

If this has been your experience until children (where you now have a visceral desire to protect them) you probably have an internal conflict where you think you should be more meek but you don’t actually want to be.