Do you contact your parents or do they contact you?

No, my parents only contacted me when they wanted something. My mum even said "I'll ring you if I want something" when I'd phoned her and she didn't want to talk to me; also "I don't ring you, you ring me". I think it was a controlling thing, among other things.

After mum died, me and sister phoned dad every day (taking turns, dad asked us to phone him). After lots of selfishness on his part, we suggested he could ring us occasionally instead; so now he rings me only when he wants something, sometimes we don't hear from him for a week or 10 days. He has a busy social life and no time for his family, unless he gets ill, when he expects instant attention from us. I've taken a step back due to his nastiness.

I always contacted mine, if I went a couple of weeks without contacting them mum would phone to check I was “still alive”.

On reflection it was because they didn’t want to interrupt our busy lives, were letting us be our own people, which I appreciate and respect, but whenever we phoned or visited we always felt very welcome.

As an isolated question that is the main thing, feeling welcomed , surely not who phones first? Why are you asking the question, are there other issue with the relationship or do you feel you need them to phone you to validate something?

My mum never rings (like, once in the last ten years) however she frequently complains how long it is since I have rung her :-/

her logic is that if she rings it is often not a convenient time for me to talk (this is true as I have young kids and work full time).

However she won’t even ring if something happens like injuring herself, which means i end up feeling guilty if that happens and I don’t hear for a couple of days because I haven’t happened to ring her.

she also doesn’t message to ask if things went ok (eg when dc had surgery). Again I think she just thinks I should call her.

I ring my mum every day, no if I didn’t ring she wouldn’t for weeks but that’s because she doesn’t know what days I’m working, when I’m in the car or with the kids etc. I enjoy chatting to her and tbh if she rang I probably would say ‘oh sorry I’ll have to ring you back’ a lot of the time!!

We live on different continents. My dad sends me memes every day. I ring him once a week or so, he never rings me.

I do see contacting parents and doing things for them to be the responsibility of adult DC, though. They’ve done their bit.

I genuinely think that they just don’t give it a thought but the big question is, do they care?

My mother has openly said that she considers it our responsibility to get in touch with her once we left home and became independent, and definitely after marriage. Which actually worked surprisingly well, as it allowed all of us to have the level of relationship we wanted. I think the longest I ever went without contact with her was about 9 months, and there were good reasons for it, more related to my father.

Now he is dead, I see her most weeks, text every couple of days. And she has started contacting me instead of waiting for me.

So a bit of both for me. But my MIL... Would be months if my DH didn't make the effort. It's incredibly hurtful for him and I know it upsets him.

It is sad, but now DC are young adults, I sort of understand it in a way I never did before. When DC left home I really was shaken up with empty nest syndrome. They were so central to my life and I just couldn't imagine enjoying anything else as much as I did being their mum. But I was very aware that it's not right to stifle them. They really wanted minimal contact at that time - very normal - to become independent. DS1 was very brusque and didn't show any interest in family for a while. It was so hurtful. But also understandable.

It took me a while to realise we had to rebuild our lives without Dc at the centre. And not pester and check in all the time. So I made myself not call or text as often. And made myself busier. And then suddenly realised 10 days had gone by.

We do try to Zoom call as a family once a week, and have a few texts or phone calls in between most weeks. But not always. We make a big fuss of birthdays and Christmas and try to meet up to take them out for dinner or lunch or to a show or exhibition they'd like to see a few times a year.

But that intentional break, where I made myself step back from them being the centre of my life, is so hard to navigate. At first they want a lot less from you. By the time they want you again you have filled the gap. I wish it was easier to get right than it is.

My Dad and I speak a few times a week, we both call each other.

My mum, neither of us contact each other. We don’t have a good relationship.

My mum and I speak everyday - either by phone, FaceTime or Messenger. Dad isn’t that kind of person and we’re not especially close - we can easily go months without contact but when we do see each other, we get on fine.

My dad calls me lots and I call him too. Equally. Mum never ever rings or messages. If I didn’t ring her every couple of weeks I don’t think she’d ever get in touch. No fall outs or anything, I just don’t think she sees it as her job to reach out.

Dad calls me every day and would turn up at my house if I didn’t answer after a few days

I always call my parents once a week. My mum did the same with her mum. We are both only children. They have said they don't call me because they are free most of the time and don't know when I am as I am busy most of the time with work, young children, volunteering. Even before I was busy they said the same, they didn't like to call if I was busy and feel like they were intruding or bothering me.

They do most of the visiting too, and come to see us far more than we go to be them. I do anticipate this will change as they get older.

I initiate 90% of contact. They have also only been to be my house twice in 6 years as they prefer to be in their own house. I do sometimes wonder how long I could leave it before my mum called me. She does sometimes message first. My stepdad actually texts me first more and he likes to send silly memes to me which I like.

I ring my mum (always me who rings but she still uses a landline and I have a free call) every 2wks on a Sunday. I always receive a text, or multiple in between. Normally it’s to update me on someone who I know, or she will ask after my friend’s parents who are sick / dying. If my DD has had a health issue she will ask how their appointment went. I’d ring every week but my adult son lives with her too, so I ring him on the alternative Sunday.

It's nearly always me who contacts them. Not because they can't be bothered but because they know I'm usually busy (job, kids etc) and don't want to disturb me. I don't mind being the one to get in touch. We're very close.

I can’t fathom having a one-sided relationship with my DC where I sit back in my laurels and expect DC to do the texts and visits, which is exactly how it is with my parents.

I contact my parents and I always go to see them.

moved out 6 years about and they have maybe visited me 20 times.

It bothers me, a lot but for me having a functional relationship is more important than the issue.

i try and put it to the side and focus on what is important.

I haven’t spoken to my parents on the phone for over a decade I think. I will text them very rarely and they never initiate messages. I see them 3x a year. I feel pretty indifferent about them and it appears the feeling’s mutual.

Phone Mum most mornings as I walk to work just to check in as she’s lonely. She never calls me really. Doesn’t get chance as I’m always on the bloody phone to her. I used to phone my grandma every morning to tell her I’d call again in the evening so she had something to look fwd to. She never called me. My sister and brother never call. Oh crikey! Looks like there’s a pattern here. Gulp!

We have a WhatsApp group with me, adult sibling and mum and dad. Every morning at 10am my mum sends a general “hello, how is everyone today” sort of message, as through the day there’ll be general chit chat. Sometimes I can find it a bit much, as when I’m at work I don’t have a right lot to say and feel pressured to reply, but usually into the evening there’s a story or an anecdote to be shared from someone. So we have contact daily through that.
in terms of phone calls, my mum rings me about once a week. I never ring her.

Both. See each other 1-2 times a week.
If my mom hasn’t heard from me in a few days she’ll text to check if I’m alive 😂

Same.

Now I am matching their efforts more. During dads illness and lockdown I had got in the habit of calling every day. Now I call once a week or once a fortnight and DM never calls me.

Mine was similar went NC in 2020 and they never got back in touch - I was mistakenly contacted by someone thinking I was them (same surname, same village) in April this year about personal stuff related to them and emailed them (parents) nicely to point this out - they didn’t even acknowledge and thank me for the email or apologise & they haven’t contacted me or my husband for anything - several major events gcse a levels etc and not a dicky bird. Nothing. I’m pleased though as the year prior to NC I was LC and wished them happy anniversary, happy birthdays etc and dropped round Christmas pressies etc and got NOTHING back so that year on New Year’s Eve I went NC. Was hard but don’t regret it. I was talking to DH today about the fact my parents used to say how much they regretted having children on a yearly basis (rather have travelled and spent the money on nice holidays) and I doubt they even think of me ever - I genuinely don’t think that I or their grandchildren ever pop into their heads.