Soft parenting or is my OH being unreasonable?

OCD is NOT liking things tidy, it is NOT a personality trait. It is a much misquoted, misunderstood, debilitating illness comprised of a cycle of intrusive, distressing thoughts where the sufferer tried to mitigate their by performing compulsions.
It is not " tutting" at lights left on.
It is not " huffing" at dirty pans.

It sounds to me like your DP is just an inflexible, rigid thinker who cannot accept he does not have control over things

Do you take his laundry to the launderette too or does he insist on doing it himself?

I would be telling him to move back out again. It’s not going to work and your kids won’t feel welcome in their own home

It's none of his business and I wouldn't put up with his huffing and puffing but why don't you just tell your daughter that the pan needs to be handwashed (by her).

And it's fuck all to do with your parenting.

The parent/child/partner dynamic is confusing you.

You and (almost) three other adults were perfectly happy living together before he moved in. If he was a lodger, he'd be given notice.

I would ask him to move out without a doubt.

But I would also use it as a chance to look if maybe you are taking on much more than your fair share of work in a household of adults.

Begone!!
Or words to that effect…

I wouldn't tell him to pipe down, I would tell him to move back out.

Well - you surely must have realised what he was going to be like given his history.

And expecting adults (or nearly adults) to be able to wash up a pan is hardly expecting the moon on a stick.

Perhaps he can see what you can’t - that your children are lazy and expect you to do everything? Perhaps he doesn’t like seeing you being treated like that.

It’s up to you whether you want to all talk this through like adults or throw him out.

This really tickled me.

Op, honestly the fact he's behaving this way and he's telling you his ex had OCD is ringing alarm bells for me. I'm thinking he's actually put her under intense pressure to achieve OCD standards and potentially was abusive towards her.

I think, yes you perhaps are doing too much for your kids and they need to step up more. But the way in which he's approached this is the red flag. Its one thing for him to just get on with it and pitch in rather than huffing and leaving it for you and then say to you later, do you not think it might be time that x starts doing her own washing to take a load off you etc. It's quite another to huff and sulk and demand that your kids live to his standards in your home.

Obviously there's a big adjustment to be made moving in with young adults/ teens and into a family home etc, but that's what he signed up for and while I think it's fair to have differences in standards, his attitude to it stinks and yes I'd be inclined to move him back out again.

So what you're saying is that you amd the rest of the family were happier before he moved in and started huffing like his preference is law?

Move him out. Tell him you'll revisit it in a few years. And then never move in with him again.

Outraged that after such a short time he feels able to act so entitled.

I mean, I have OCD and all that stuff would annoy me a little bit too (although I wouldn't be hyperventilating over shoes being left by a door 😂).

HOWEVER, if I had just moved into someone else's house then I wouldn't have the nerve to be commenting on it! Bit different when it's your own house / husband / kids!

Also, it / he sounds miserable as sin. You can't have been together long (if he's only been divorced 2 years)? Shouldn't it be all lovely and fun and easy at this stage???

He's moved in and now wants to rule the roost. Tell him he either adjust his attitude to fit in or he moves out.

I’m thinking his ex wife didn’t have OCD, but was ground down to such an extent she kept a showroom type house to keep the peace with him. He sounds awful. Stand your ground now or have a lifetime of emotional abuse

Oh fart - its'a WhatThreeWords poster, isn't it?

He needs to move back out immediately.

How long have you been with this guy before moving him in? How did you not have a clue he was like this?

He sounds like a fucking controlling hypercritical nag. He wants you to do things his way when he just moved in.

No way could I live like this.

He needs to back off and you need to think about if you even want him in your home anymore.

😂

Well he hasn't long entered the door he knows the way out...
He is judging your parenting your dc.
He doesn't get to do that imo.
He can huff off. That huffy behaviour will give you ick pdq

.

He doesn't have a point. It is none of his damn business, and he has no right to tell anyone what to do or not do.

This man seems to have moved himself in and taken on the role of Master of the House and the Man who Wears the Trousers. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

What the first poster said !

He’s a dick. He needs to move back out.

You need to think about your kids. You've lived happily together in your family home for all these years. Now someone else has moved in and made their home uncomfortable.

I think this experiment has probably been useful but it doesn't sound like it's fair on your kids to have to share their home with this person.

I think he has a point about doing your eldests washing or tidying up after her… she’s 23 and a grown adult. I appreciate that while you are going to the laundrette it probably is easier to just take hers too but in the normal state of affairs she should be doing her own washing.

But leaving a glass out or some shoes by the door isn’t ok for him to huff about. Cooking a whole meal and not tidying up the kitchen after? Yes he could get justifiably annoyed about that. But a glass on the side? He needs to get a grip and be sensible about what is reasonable.

This sums it up perfectly.