Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Soft parenting or is my OH being unreasonable?

167 replies

FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 15:58

I have taken the plunge and my partner has moved in.

Family Dynamics - Myself, my 23 DD which is due to move back to uni to complete her Masters, my 21 dd who lives with her bf, my ds 17, dog and mog. I'm divorced, was married for 19 years. House is tidy but lived in if that makes sense.

Partner - divorced 2 years. His ex wife was apparently OCD, everything had a place etc etc. Their house was tiny compared to the houses I have had and have now. Only 1 child who is 18.

Partner has only just moved in and i'm already on edge and just wanted to check first to see if i'm being unreasonable in how i'm feeling.

My kids - if 'we' (we work together) get home this evening and my son has had a drink of juice and left his glass on the side, my partner will stand and huff. If my son leaves a packet out, again he will huff. Tonight, when we go to bed, if the main bathroom light is left on, he will huff and be sarcastic. Now I can make a 'Blackpool Illuminations' comment but laugh it off too.

My daughter has scrambled eggs everyday and will put the pan in the dishwasher to which i will take it out and wash by hand. He made a comment yesterday and I replied that it's a quick job for me to wash it up by hand when he said that she should be doing it.

Shoes by the front door - one pair of trainers again leaves him hyperventilating.

I now feel like i'm constantly on at my kids - it's their home. They have been through enough shite over the years and they should be able to relax. The house is tidy and i'm now becoming obsessive that i'm nagging at my kids which is bourne by him.

At the moment my washing machine is broken so I've been taking a load to the laundromat to be done on my way home and he's been telling me that my eldest daughter should be doing hers not me.

Am I being unreasonable and should they be heard but not seen? Am I overthinking because i'm getting ready to tell my partner to pipe down. Life is about compromise and we are all learning to live together but he has admitted that he is letting these things get to him. Doesn't help his best friend is OCD and is constantly moaning about his stepdaughter.

OP posts:
FOJN · 14/08/2025 16:52

Well you are clearly not compatible and he needs to move out but I think I'd be quite irritated that you were hand washing a pan, used by your 23 year old daughter, every single day. Presumably you have told her it's not dishwasher safe but she keeps putting it in there and you keep washing it up for her.

mostimportantaspect · 14/08/2025 16:52

My household is also really big and chaotic and my young adult DC do not always do what I would like them to do but DP and I work as a team to get everything done. I wouldn’t like this huffing either. You know what so what if you are too soft at this age of your DC, there is not much practical mothering left to do before they all leave and don’t need you anymore.

I enjoy it, it’s just how I show my affection and my DP appreciates it not criticises it.

I understand that it’s actually making yourself physically useful as a parent to your DC before they fly the nest and still being a mum that’s happening and this guy is being a PITA and doesn’t get it

mostimportantaspect · 14/08/2025 16:52

My household is also really big and chaotic and my young adult DC do not always do what I would like them to do but DP and I work as a team to get everything done. I wouldn’t like this huffing either. You know what so what if you are too soft at this age of your DC, there is not much practical mothering left to do before they all leave and don’t need you anymore.

I enjoy it, it’s just how I show my affection and my DP appreciates it not criticises it.

I understand that it’s actually making yourself physically useful as a parent to your DC before they fly the nest and still being a mum that’s happening and this guy is being a PITA and doesn’t get it

InterestedDad37 · 14/08/2025 16:51

You're all learning to live together, but imho your kids come first! He should be more gracious, realise he's still the 'newbie' (though of course it is now his home too, so he at least needs to feel welcome and comfortable) but he shouldn't be figuratively 'marking his territory' so to speak. Personally I think he's moved in too soon. Good luck with it all though, hope it works out happily for everyone 😊

BlueMum16 · 14/08/2025 16:51

He's moving into a family home. He needs to flex to how your family lives.

You are clearly happy doing what you do for your adult DC.

He accepts that or moves back out

Gettingbysomehow · 14/08/2025 16:50

Get rid of him for goodness sake. What kind of "man" moves in with a mother and a family and then proceeds to make everyone's life miserable. It's your home. Why can't he live out?

OrsolaRosso · 14/08/2025 16:49

FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 16:37

That's what I have asked him to be fair. I think they are both like it with controlling traits. He needs to drop all of that with me.

Show quote history

What makes you think that he is going to change for you?

OneKhakiFish · 14/08/2025 16:47

How long have you been with the control freak? Did he visit much before he moved in? Did his personality change overnight when he got his feet under the table. There's so many questions as to what he's doing, I can't quite fathom how feels the need to run your house with a rod of iron. The frightening thing is this is very early days, could this be his best behaviour? He'd be gone, I'd tell him sorry chuck it's my way or the highway, off you go

TaborlinTheGreat · 14/08/2025 16:47

FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 16:37

That's what I have asked him to be fair. I think they are both like it with controlling traits. He needs to drop all of that with me.

Show quote history

People don't just 'drop' aspects of their personality for a new partner. They might pretend to for a while.

Regardless of whether his tidiness expectations are reasonable, his reaction is not. All that pathetic huffing and puffing would put me right off a partner tbh.

cyvguhb · 14/08/2025 16:47

Maybe you need to be moving him back out before it becomes too big a job to tackle

None of his business how your children live in their own home

millymoo1202 · 14/08/2025 16:47

He needs to move out, let me guess he’s not contributing either?

GlitchStitch · 14/08/2025 16:45

I sometimes put a glass on the side as I might re-use it during the day. I think living in fear of a glass on the side or trainers by the door because you are worried about someone's reaction sounds like a miserable way to live.

Jojimoji · 14/08/2025 16:42

FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 16:37

That's what I have asked him to be fair. I think they are both like it with controlling traits. He needs to drop all of that with me.

Show quote history

OCD is NOT having controlling traits.

Controlling traits are a personality characteristic. To some degree they are a choice. An unpleasant one at that.

OCD is a debilitating mental illness.

I wish people would learn the difference and stop dropping OCD into conversations as a quirky adjective .

TheOtherAgentJohnson · 14/08/2025 16:42

He sounds insufferable, but also more fool you for running around after your "kids" so much. They're not children, they're adults. You're a mug for doing all the washing up and laundry.

NightPuffins · 14/08/2025 16:39

I’m edging on your DP’s side here but it might be better to stay living separately!

The actual tidying, it would annoy me too. It’s just as easy to put a glass into the dishwasher as put it on the side. Same with putting packets and shoes away. And why are you taking things out of the dishwasher to wash them by hand?! That’s entirely what a dishwasher is for. Lights should be switched off.

Yes, it’s your kids home and they should be able to relax there. But in inviting your partner to move in, it becomes his home too and he should also be able to relax there.

Telling him to pipe down is not a solution. Nor is his friend or ex having OCD relevant to him wanting a basic level of tidying. Compromise is needed for living together to work. But unless everyone can compromise a little, it may be better to live apart until all of your kids have left home.

wizzywig · 14/08/2025 16:39

He needs to huff and puff away

HerecomesMargo · 14/08/2025 16:38

LadyDanburysHat · 14/08/2025 16:05

The more I read your OP, why on earth are you on at your kids to try and appease him, rather than telling him to shut it? Why are you putting his comfort above your kids?

Because she’s one of those. Those women who puts their men before their kids.

op you should be embarrassed.

someone here needs to tell you what to do? You have adult kids and a parent for a long time and you need someone to tell you?

Original poster
FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 16:37

Lurker85 · 14/08/2025 16:36

Was it really his ex that had the OCD……?

That's what I have asked him to be fair. I think they are both like it with controlling traits. He needs to drop all of that with me.

OP posts:
HenDoNot · 14/08/2025 16:37

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/08/2025 16:06

But op has lived her life happily with her kids. Now he’s interfering.

A 17 year old leaving a glass is just normal.

Show quote history

Not in my house it's not.

We have omelette pans that can't go in the dishwasher, my son has been washing them when he uses them since about age 13. He doesn't leave dirty cups or glasses out on the side or empty crisps or biscuit packets around the house, waiting for someone else to pick them up.

They are clearly not compatible. He doesn't want to live with lazy kids.

Hopefully he can move out quickly.

Lurker85 · 14/08/2025 16:36

Was it really his ex that had the OCD……?

Original poster
FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 16:35

HenDoNot · 14/08/2025 16:04

He’s hardly asking for the world, expecting a 23 year old woman to wash her own pan, and a 17 year old to put a glass in the dishwasher.

But I agree with PP, it’s not going to work out. He needs to move back out.

17 yo is very literal. If I ask him to bring his pots down to the kitchen he will. If I ask to bring down and put in the dishwasher , he will then put them in the dishwasher. Yes it annoys my but it doesn't really irritate me to my wits end.

I am going to be having words with OH as he does need to learn to accept us and realise that we are not going to live like he lived with his ex and son. I'm much more relaxed.

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · 14/08/2025 16:33

I think most of his points are valid to be fair but that doesn’t suit how you’ve lived up to now and your dynamic with your children.

I don’t think you’re compatible at this stage - you have three adult children at home and it sounds like he wants to live like a couple with no kids.

I would handle it calmly and respectfully but explain it doesn’t work in the current set up. He moves out and you also invest more time in getting your adult children to be just a bit more independent.

cbbo · 14/08/2025 16:31

Tell him to shut up, deal with it. Or move out. Surely he has stayed over and knows how the house is run usually. Shouldn’t have been a surprise to him?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/08/2025 16:31

How quickly can you move him back out !
He is very critical.

Jojimoji · 14/08/2025 16:28

OnceIn · 14/08/2025 16:17

I’m thinking his ex wife didn’t have OCD, but was ground down to such an extent she kept a showroom type house to keep the peace with him. He sounds awful. Stand your ground now or have a lifetime of emotional abuse

Quite agree.
She was probably just trying to keep this gonk from creating an atmosphere.