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Original poster

Soft parenting or is my OH being unreasonable?

167 replies

FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 15:58

I have taken the plunge and my partner has moved in.

Family Dynamics - Myself, my 23 DD which is due to move back to uni to complete her Masters, my 21 dd who lives with her bf, my ds 17, dog and mog. I'm divorced, was married for 19 years. House is tidy but lived in if that makes sense.

Partner - divorced 2 years. His ex wife was apparently OCD, everything had a place etc etc. Their house was tiny compared to the houses I have had and have now. Only 1 child who is 18.

Partner has only just moved in and i'm already on edge and just wanted to check first to see if i'm being unreasonable in how i'm feeling.

My kids - if 'we' (we work together) get home this evening and my son has had a drink of juice and left his glass on the side, my partner will stand and huff. If my son leaves a packet out, again he will huff. Tonight, when we go to bed, if the main bathroom light is left on, he will huff and be sarcastic. Now I can make a 'Blackpool Illuminations' comment but laugh it off too.

My daughter has scrambled eggs everyday and will put the pan in the dishwasher to which i will take it out and wash by hand. He made a comment yesterday and I replied that it's a quick job for me to wash it up by hand when he said that she should be doing it.

Shoes by the front door - one pair of trainers again leaves him hyperventilating.

I now feel like i'm constantly on at my kids - it's their home. They have been through enough shite over the years and they should be able to relax. The house is tidy and i'm now becoming obsessive that i'm nagging at my kids which is bourne by him.

At the moment my washing machine is broken so I've been taking a load to the laundromat to be done on my way home and he's been telling me that my eldest daughter should be doing hers not me.

Am I being unreasonable and should they be heard but not seen? Am I overthinking because i'm getting ready to tell my partner to pipe down. Life is about compromise and we are all learning to live together but he has admitted that he is letting these things get to him. Doesn't help his best friend is OCD and is constantly moaning about his stepdaughter.

OP posts:
J3001 · 15/08/2025 20:30

Get rid i've got 25 and 20 yr old sons he'd have a fit my house is like yours , bowls and glasses left i shift them straight away even though they say they will do it but thats my choice he has no right to make comments like that my ex did and we were married 25 yr but he was worse then them but he was never wrong

Lurkingandlearning · 15/08/2025 20:06

Did he spend so little time in your home that he didn’t notice any of this before he moved in? That will make him needing to move back out disappointing.

But if he’d seen how you all rub along together and has decided that is going to change now he lives there then I would be hurrying him out of the door

Zempy · 15/08/2025 19:43

It’s time he fucked off to where he came from.

UnlimitedBacon · 15/08/2025 19:42

Right. I get it op, you’re used to your kids’ ways and you’ve learned to pick your battles. I’m in the same situation- adult kids and a tidy-ish house that’s lived in because life is too fucking short to be moaning every five seconds.

  1. scrambled egg pans are a nightmare and I agree she should be hand washing them
  2. trainers get left. Young adult kids are a work in progress and often don’t learn how annoying this is until they live with others who are worse. It’s annoying, yes, but it’s not a hill I would die on either.

as I said, you have to pick your battles and youve all got a familiar groove that works, even if it’s not perfect.

this man has just come in and started throwing orders around and frankly I’ll be telling him to move out. Life is too short for his kind of neurotic.

PotatoLove · 15/08/2025 19:41

Ugh, sounds like he needs to move back out OP.

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 15/08/2025 19:35

Your home your rules.
I'd be asking him to move back to his ‘perfect’ home I'm afraid.

Trishthedish · 15/08/2025 19:02

Your house, your rules, end of.

Xyloplane · 15/08/2025 18:35

Why on earth are you putting up with this nonsense? How long have you been with him if he’s only been divorced for 2 years? He already has you tiptoeing around him and you’re already trying to manage his outbursts. He will end up driving a wedge between you and your children.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 15/08/2025 18:16

HenDoNot · 14/08/2025 16:04

He’s hardly asking for the world, expecting a 23 year old woman to wash her own pan, and a 17 year old to put a glass in the dishwasher.

But I agree with PP, it’s not going to work out. He needs to move back out.

Agree with the first part. There is massive hyperbole with what OP has written. He just wants adults - and this is the important part, they are adults - to actually clean up after themselves.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 15/08/2025 18:15

FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 15:58

I have taken the plunge and my partner has moved in.

Family Dynamics - Myself, my 23 DD which is due to move back to uni to complete her Masters, my 21 dd who lives with her bf, my ds 17, dog and mog. I'm divorced, was married for 19 years. House is tidy but lived in if that makes sense.

Partner - divorced 2 years. His ex wife was apparently OCD, everything had a place etc etc. Their house was tiny compared to the houses I have had and have now. Only 1 child who is 18.

Partner has only just moved in and i'm already on edge and just wanted to check first to see if i'm being unreasonable in how i'm feeling.

My kids - if 'we' (we work together) get home this evening and my son has had a drink of juice and left his glass on the side, my partner will stand and huff. If my son leaves a packet out, again he will huff. Tonight, when we go to bed, if the main bathroom light is left on, he will huff and be sarcastic. Now I can make a 'Blackpool Illuminations' comment but laugh it off too.

My daughter has scrambled eggs everyday and will put the pan in the dishwasher to which i will take it out and wash by hand. He made a comment yesterday and I replied that it's a quick job for me to wash it up by hand when he said that she should be doing it.

Shoes by the front door - one pair of trainers again leaves him hyperventilating.

I now feel like i'm constantly on at my kids - it's their home. They have been through enough shite over the years and they should be able to relax. The house is tidy and i'm now becoming obsessive that i'm nagging at my kids which is bourne by him.

At the moment my washing machine is broken so I've been taking a load to the laundromat to be done on my way home and he's been telling me that my eldest daughter should be doing hers not me.

Am I being unreasonable and should they be heard but not seen? Am I overthinking because i'm getting ready to tell my partner to pipe down. Life is about compromise and we are all learning to live together but he has admitted that he is letting these things get to him. Doesn't help his best friend is OCD and is constantly moaning about his stepdaughter.

I think you are turning this into something it isn’t. This isn’t a Victorian attitude towards noisy children. Your children aren’t even children - they are grown adults. It doesn’t sound like they’ve been trained to do basic picking up after themselves, I’m guessing you’ve always done it for them. It would annoy me too.

Milosc · 14/08/2025 20:24

Why are you letting him treat your DC so poorly? He needs to go. It is THEIR home, not his. If you don't nip this you are going to have resentful children and possibly ruin your relationship with them. Stop putting your partner above your children.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 14/08/2025 18:16

I would always prioritise my kids. Time to tell him to adjust or move out.

Vintagenow · 14/08/2025 18:04

What made you 'take the plunge ' OP?
Genuinely interested as I am a lone parent with teens and I honestly couldn't imagine moving a man into our home at this point in their lives. It would be weird and uncomfortable for them I'm sure. It's their home. You're a grown woman, surely if the relationship was meant to be cohabitation could have waited a few years?
I mean he sounds incredibly upright and you say you are laid back so how will that work? He's not going to suddenly become Mr laid-back, it's not his nature.

KateShugakIsALegend · 14/08/2025 18:03

He seems to believe that someone, somewhere is judging house tidiness and he must win.

When actually your kids are quietly judging whether they feel welcome and loved in their home.

He has the wrong framework for success in his head.

Your kids will vote with their feet as soon as they are able.

Grinnbear · 14/08/2025 18:01

Definitely aak him to move back out. He sounds awful

cyvguhb · 14/08/2025 17:58

GAJLY · 14/08/2025 17:40

I think he is right. They are old enough to tidy up after themselves, and wash their own clothes.

Totally not the point, they aren't his children and it's not on him to control their behaviour

Driftingawaynow · 14/08/2025 17:43

Ick

GAJLY · 14/08/2025 17:40

I think he is right. They are old enough to tidy up after themselves, and wash their own clothes.

Ddakji · 14/08/2025 17:39

OK, I’ve now looked at your other threads. This guy sounds like a nightmare but you seem to be completely incapable of seeing it, of having any boundaries etc etc etc. You’ve started multiple threads over the last 6 months about him.

You’re also in counselling.

You shouldn’t be in a relationship with him or anyone else for that matter, let alone live with him.

Go back and read your previous threads.

TammyJones · 14/08/2025 17:36

BauhausOfEliott · 14/08/2025 17:24

Your kids are grown adults who should be capable of turning off a bloody light and putting their own cups in the dishwasher / washing their own pans. They're not children FFS, and you are being a complete doormat and infantilising them by doing all this stuff for them.

However, it's clear that your OH, based not just on this thread but your others about him, is an absolute nightmare of a man and your relationship is not healthy. He's insecure, needy and emotionally manipulative and now, it seems, also a whiny control freak. You also mention that you're both in counselling and that you have had abusive relationships in the past. Honestly, I think you'd be a lot better of being single, because you're just repeating the same pattern with this man.

That shade a bit more light …..

thepariscrimefiles · 14/08/2025 17:35

You don't move into someone else's house and start laying down the law. It isn't his place to criticise your kids. He either stops complaining or he moves out.

It isn't fair on your children as they will start to feel uncomfortable in their own home.

TammyJones · 14/08/2025 17:33

NightPuffins · 14/08/2025 16:39

I’m edging on your DP’s side here but it might be better to stay living separately!

The actual tidying, it would annoy me too. It’s just as easy to put a glass into the dishwasher as put it on the side. Same with putting packets and shoes away. And why are you taking things out of the dishwasher to wash them by hand?! That’s entirely what a dishwasher is for. Lights should be switched off.

Yes, it’s your kids home and they should be able to relax there. But in inviting your partner to move in, it becomes his home too and he should also be able to relax there.

Telling him to pipe down is not a solution. Nor is his friend or ex having OCD relevant to him wanting a basic level of tidying. Compromise is needed for living together to work. But unless everyone can compromise a little, it may be better to live apart until all of your kids have left home.

This
These things would bother me , and they are simple to sort, and would take seconds.
If standards are different than a combined household should be delayed.

LittleBitButthurt · 14/08/2025 17:33

Presumably he’d spent plenty of time there before he moved in? He had ample time to assess how you live and whether that was right for him. But no, he’s moved in and decided to start throwing his weight around and changing things to suit him. I’d tell him to pack it in with immediate effect or find somewhere else to live.

itsnearly · 14/08/2025 17:32

Tell him to move back out - you are not compatible in living together. Plus, how dare he say stuff about your daughter?

Dweetfidilove · 14/08/2025 17:28

Some of those things was annoying me too, but I wouldn't go around huffing and making ridiculous comments.
This is not going to work, so invite him to move back out. I can't imagine inviting and adjusting to this level of stress in my, currently, very peaceful home.