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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I just feel sorry for her or was she just using me?

188 replies

Bluegem7 · 14/08/2025 14:30

I volunteer in a charity shop and get on well with the female manager who is in her 30's. She is very open with us all about her family problems…she has no control over her wayward teenage daughter and her husband doesn't show her any love or affection. Apart from that, our relationship has been professional and based on mutual respect…. until last Sunday evening when she rang me just as I was having my meal and asked if I could pick her up and take her to collect a parcel from the locker at Tesco as she'd had a message saying that if it wasn't collected by midnight it would be sent back. She doesn't drive and I assumed her husband wasn't available so I dropped everything and went to pick her up from her house. I didn't expect to be out long and left jobs like washing up, bringing in the washing, putting clean sheets on my bed, watering the garden and taking the dog out. When she came out of the house I noticed she was dressed up as if for a night out, lots of makeup and perfume, mini dress, evening bag, heels etc. We went to pick up the parcel and then she wanted to go to the local pub and although I wasn't keen I said ok, but just half an hour because I'd got jobs at home (I wasn't even dressed for going out, needed a shower and clean clothes etc). I had an orange juice but she was knocking back the large size wines. At 9.30pm I popped home to fetch my dog as she's not used to being left on her own in the evening. My colleague was acting quite drunk when I got back to the pub and making a fool of herself chatting up strange men. People started telling me I need to take her home before she gets into trouble (apparently she'd been drinking whiskey as well as 5 large wines which I didn't know til the barmaid told me). She told me she was going to the toilet but was gone ages, I went to look for her and she was outside flirting with a couple of guys and seemed annoyed at me for saying we had to go.
She's quite a large lady and I'm small so it wasn't easy getting her into my car where she passed out. I drove her home but the house was in darkness and the door was locked. I phoned her husband several times but no answer. I went back to the car and managed to rouse her and she said her husband locks her out (I later found out that he leaves the side door open). She wanted me to drive her to some guy's house 8 miles away…she said he'd let her stay there. I made her phone him first before driving there and he didn't answer. She told me to just take her to his pub and he'd be fine about it and I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't take her to my place as I only have one bed. On the way she was telling me about her affairs with married men and justifying it because her husband wasn't showing her any love and attention. He is ex army and suffers PTSD, is also quite a bit older than her. We got to the pub and she told me to just leave her there and she'd be fine (I obviously didn't). The guy wasn't there so I ended up driving her around at midnight as she kept giving me new instructions as to where this guy might be. Her husband in the meantime messaged me to say sorry he'd missed my call but he'd been asleep and he said he'd left the side door open again and he asked if she was still drunk (probably someone had contacted him as they are well known in town). The guy she wanted me to take her to finally answered her phone and told her she couldn't stay there (I've since found out that he is engaged). I then drove her back to her home where her husband was now awake and let her in (still very drunk). It was half past midnight when I finally got home (five and a half hours after she first phoned me). I understand she is obviously going through a bad patch but I couldn't help feeling a bit angry and upset and like I'd been used. I'm 73, have COPD and never normally drive at night. I know I could have left the pub when she was on her third glass and let her get a taxi home but I felt responsible for her as I'd been the one to pick her up from her house in my car. She has rung and apologised and begged me not to tell anyone so I can't even talk about it to a friend. Am I being unreasonable feeling angry and like I was coerced into the whole thing especially as she was dressed up obviously for a night out but told me she just needed a lift to collect a parcel. Am I being unreasonable for feeling she totally disrespected me? Or was it my fault for letting her get so drunk in the first place. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
walkingismedicine · 15/08/2025 08:00

Of course you can talk about it with friends, she can’t dictate that, what a shocking night for you

beAsensible1 · 15/08/2025 07:59

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 14/08/2025 15:21

I used to work for a very small Startup company, there were only 4 of us in the company.

We went out for our Christmas night out and by about 11pm it was just me and the CEO left. Both fairly drunk, we said our goodbyes and I went home to a blissful drunken slumber.

I wake up the next morning to 17 missed calls from an unknown number and a message from my boss saying "If my wife phones, tell her I got drunk and went back to yours, slept on your sofa till about 5am".

I promptly block the unknown number as another phone call comes in, and text my boss back "No". A little while later I get a call from my boss, and I answer, intending to tell him "No" again. It's actually his wife on the other end, and so I tell her that I'd not seen him after about 11pm, and that I really don't appreciate being harrassed by my employer and his partner, and to leave me alone. I then block my bosses number and forget all about it until after Christmas, when I log onto my laptop, start a video call and proceed to absolutely bollock my boss.

He never ever took the piss after that.

@Bluegem7 Your colleague may well have all kinds of crap going on in her personal life. That doesn't mean that she gets to use you. Read her the riot act and be clear that if it ever happens again you'll take it further.

That is insane and even worse them both bloody calling you like your not an employee!!! How unprofessional

ASimpleLampoon · 15/08/2025 07:55

@Bluegem7 I think you need to report this behaviour to the charity. She knows you in a capacity as a volunteer and if this is how she treats volunteers she could bring the charity into disrepute.

I doubt by its the first time she's done something like this and it won't be the last.

Original poster
Bluegem7 · 15/08/2025 07:39

Hiphopahip · 15/08/2025 07:14

OP, you seem like a genuine kind hearted person. Unfortunately someone without the same traits took advantage of you. You were a little naive but it’s easy to see why, however you’re far from stupid - you’re already clear that she was taking the mick and you won’t allow it again.
Do you really feel you have to leave a role you value though? It’s not fair that you should punish yourself for her actions.

Oh, and I would absolutely ignore her request not to tell anyone. In fact I’d encourage you to discuss this with your family. She doesn’t control you. Oh, and half the town probably knows about it anyway based purely off her own actions.

Don’t beat yourself up OP, you seem lovely and I wish I worked with someone like you.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegem7 · 15/08/2025 07:35

ClaredeBear · 15/08/2025 06:59

There is a safeguarding concern here as far as the charity is concerned, though I understand this job means a lot to you. You should not have to worry about being taken advantage of as a volunteer. You had no way of knowing how that evening would unfold, and I don’t believe anyone could have prepared you for that kind of behaviour. She clearly has some serious personal issues, but she should not be bringing them into the workplace. In my view, she should not be managing volunteers.

My advice would be not to answer your phone to her outside of work hours from now on. She can contact you about work matters by text or email, so you have a record of any discussions. Aside from that, I would keep your distance. None of this should be your responsibility as a volunteer, and it frustrates me that she is not valuing you, or likely other volunteers, properly.

I assume there’s an area manager on the scene?

It's a local cancer charity set up by a retired GP and I volunteer in the shop of which she is the manager. The rest of the organisation is apart from the shop and has facilities for cancer patients, their carers and families. They offer all kinds of therapies and support for anyone affected by cancer. I don't know the staff there apart from the one or two who also volunteer in the shop. The couple I do know well are the one's she made me promise not to tell. I don't know the CEO and only see her at meetings. She was the one I was going to talk to but now I've said I'll give her another chance. That may not be the right decision but I've made it now. She's messaged me this morning saying she hardly slept again and hopes we're ok. Yes I agree she is still being manipulative but at least I know what she is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegem7 · 15/08/2025 07:17

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 15/08/2025 04:09

"obviously not everyone understands what it's like to be a lifelong people pleaser"

I think people gave the advice they did because they do know what it's like, and they know the consequences.

"I agreed not to report her on condition she sorts her life out and doesn't treat any other of the staff in the same way."

I also think you are very naive if you think your last conversation will really cause her to change her behaviour and protect the other staff. It's quite telling that you see her side of the conversation as anything but more manipulation, and you again ignoring your own needs and feelings, just like the other night.

Do you think you weren't really serious about reporting her and just wanted to let her know how upset you were? It sounds like you started the conversation by taking control, but she soon wielded it away from you.

She has a 7 year old son with special needs and her husband is a disabled army veteran. I didn't think she should lose her job .

OP posts:
Hiphopahip · 15/08/2025 07:14

OP, you seem like a genuine kind hearted person. Unfortunately someone without the same traits took advantage of you. You were a little naive but it’s easy to see why, however you’re far from stupid - you’re already clear that she was taking the mick and you won’t allow it again.
Do you really feel you have to leave a role you value though? It’s not fair that you should punish yourself for her actions.

Oh, and I would absolutely ignore her request not to tell anyone. In fact I’d encourage you to discuss this with your family. She doesn’t control you. Oh, and half the town probably knows about it anyway based purely off her own actions.

Don’t beat yourself up OP, you seem lovely and I wish I worked with someone like you.

ClaredeBear · 15/08/2025 07:00

Agapornis · 15/08/2025 06:38

So she is a paid staff member - and your volunteer manager? I used to be a volunteer manager and this is wildly inappropriate. If I were a paid employee, I'd absolutely want and expect my inappropriate colleagues to be reported. You must reconsider reporting her - her guilt tripping you is it another inappropriate behaviour, and I'd include that in the complaint.

I presume you signed some paperwork when you started volunteering, which includes a code of conduct and what to do if something isn't right?

I bet this isn't the first time she's done this to volunteers.

Edited

This.

ClaredeBear · 15/08/2025 06:59

There is a safeguarding concern here as far as the charity is concerned, though I understand this job means a lot to you. You should not have to worry about being taken advantage of as a volunteer. You had no way of knowing how that evening would unfold, and I don’t believe anyone could have prepared you for that kind of behaviour. She clearly has some serious personal issues, but she should not be bringing them into the workplace. In my view, she should not be managing volunteers.

My advice would be not to answer your phone to her outside of work hours from now on. She can contact you about work matters by text or email, so you have a record of any discussions. Aside from that, I would keep your distance. None of this should be your responsibility as a volunteer, and it frustrates me that she is not valuing you, or likely other volunteers, properly.

I assume there’s an area manager on the scene?

Agapornis · 15/08/2025 06:38

So she is a paid staff member - and your volunteer manager? I used to be a volunteer manager and this is wildly inappropriate. If I were a paid employee, I'd absolutely want and expect my inappropriate colleagues to be reported. You must reconsider reporting her - her guilt tripping you is it another inappropriate behaviour, and I'd include that in the complaint.

I presume you signed some paperwork when you started volunteering, which includes a code of conduct and what to do if something isn't right?

I bet this isn't the first time she's done this to volunteers.

TheaBrandt1 · 15/08/2025 06:29

I read a brilliant description of people pleasing behaviour on here wish I had saved it. How it doesn’t help you make friends quite the opposite actually. It is done for the persons own validation and people pick up on that.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 15/08/2025 06:13

Well obviously she was being VVU but I voted YABU as you completely enabled everything.

You are the generation after me and, while there are definitely exceptions, I know many women in that generation who have a tendency towards being trusting and not very assertive. They fall for scams, share pictures that are obviously AI fakes etc. They can also be guilty of thinking that making even reasonable requests is rude, but it is fine and not rude to put your own needs first and say you have stuff to take care of.

What you should have done was immediately declare: 'Sorry - I've arranged my jobs this evening around what you asked me to do. I'm happy to drop you at the pub after we've got the parcel, but I can't stay for a drink.'

Bikergran · 15/08/2025 05:35

What an absolute nightmare. Ghastly woman. Look for a different shop to volunteer in, and in the meantime NEVER interact with her outside of work commitments. (In fact, as it's purely voluntary, you could just leave immediately) Once you've changed jobs, block every method she may have of communicating with you.

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 15/08/2025 04:09

"obviously not everyone understands what it's like to be a lifelong people pleaser"

I think people gave the advice they did because they do know what it's like, and they know the consequences.

"I agreed not to report her on condition she sorts her life out and doesn't treat any other of the staff in the same way."

I also think you are very naive if you think your last conversation will really cause her to change her behaviour and protect the other staff. It's quite telling that you see her side of the conversation as anything but more manipulation, and you again ignoring your own needs and feelings, just like the other night.

Do you think you weren't really serious about reporting her and just wanted to let her know how upset you were? It sounds like you started the conversation by taking control, but she soon wielded it away from you.

Original poster
Bluegem7 · 14/08/2025 22:37

SitOnHisFaceIfHeDiesHeDies · 14/08/2025 21:39

I found this all quite funny and cringy until it got to the part when you say you're 73 years old. As if you can be bothered with that much stress and disruption let alone at that hour of the night.

Bang out of order. If you were my relative I'd be very upset. She clearly has issues and that's obviously a shame and hopefully she gets to a better place - but next time do not pick up your phone.

Bless you, you're a lovely person x

Thank you, nice comment x

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegem7 · 14/08/2025 22:33

ChaToilLeam · 14/08/2025 21:48

Oh OP, I think she is taking advantage of your kind nature once more by turning on the tap and begging you not to report. She's not going to sort her life out and she's going to keep pulling the same stunts until she faces real consequences.

You maybe right and I suspected that but at least I feel better and she knows not to mess with me or her staff again because she won't get a third chance

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegem7 · 14/08/2025 22:30

WillyWonkasPurpleHat · 14/08/2025 22:21

Well done @Bluegem7 , I think that was very brave and assertive of you to ring her and say that.

Definitely putting boundaries in place đź‘Śand hopefully it'll make her think twice about using people so badly in future

Thanks, that was nice to hear

OP posts:
WillyWonkasPurpleHat · 14/08/2025 22:21

Well done @Bluegem7 , I think that was very brave and assertive of you to ring her and say that.

Definitely putting boundaries in place đź‘Śand hopefully it'll make her think twice about using people so badly in future

nomas · 14/08/2025 22:11

Glad you are finding your anger, OP.

Also, those lockers hold items for around 10 days, she had plenty of time to get her parcel herself, the cheeky sot.

ChaToilLeam · 14/08/2025 21:48

Oh OP, I think she is taking advantage of your kind nature once more by turning on the tap and begging you not to report. She's not going to sort her life out and she's going to keep pulling the same stunts until she faces real consequences.

Original poster
Bluegem7 · 14/08/2025 21:40

Just to update everyone... I have phoned the shop manager and told her what I felt about her behaviour on Sunday. I also said that I was angry with myself for allowing myself to get caught up in her drama and not having boundaries etc. I told her I was going to report it to the CEO and that I couldn't work with her in the shop again. She said she would report it herself and resign. I said "ok" but then she cried and pleaded for another chance. I agreed not to report her on condition she sorts her life out and doesn't treat any other of the staff in the same way. I feel a lot better for confronting her because I needed to get it off my chest. I also confided in one member of the volunteer team that I trust. I did feel some of the comments were harsh but obviously not everyone understands what it's like to be a lifelong people pleaser stemmed from a dysfunctional childhood. It's easy to judge when you haven't walked in someone's shoes. Thank you for the sympathetic comments, I really appreciate them. And the link to the YouTube video which gave me a much needed laugh.

OP posts:
SitOnHisFaceIfHeDiesHeDies · 14/08/2025 21:39

I found this all quite funny and cringy until it got to the part when you say you're 73 years old. As if you can be bothered with that much stress and disruption let alone at that hour of the night.

Bang out of order. If you were my relative I'd be very upset. She clearly has issues and that's obviously a shame and hopefully she gets to a better place - but next time do not pick up your phone.

Bless you, you're a lovely person x

Laura95167 · 14/08/2025 20:16

Shes a full car crash. You want none of this bizarre behavoiur-dont do it again

Original poster
Bluegem7 · 14/08/2025 19:18

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 14/08/2025 18:17

YABU for allowing this to happen.
There are lots of online resources about assertiveness which should be helpful.
Hopefully you will put your own needs and your dog first next time.
It's difficult at first, but you need to start listening to your gut instinct and taking charge. "I'm not able to do that". "I'm going home now." " I don't want to do that."

Just because she got into your car at dinner time doesn't mean you're responsible for her for the rest of the night.

If you're a volunteer, you can always leave and go elsewhere. You should be enjoying your retirement and doing things that enhance your day, not dealing with this car crash of a woman.

Edited

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegem7 · 14/08/2025 19:15

SoScarletItWas · 14/08/2025 18:27

I think you’re getting a hard time here, OP. I could see how the situation was spiralling and you were swept along in the chaos by wanting to firstly give her a listing ear (you thought she wanted to chat) and then making sure she was ok.

I’m sad that you’re thinking of leaving a job you previously enjoyed but understand your reasons if you do!

Thanks. That's exactly what happened. I got swept along until it was too late to leave her to fend for herself.

OP posts:
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