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Original poster

Should I just feel sorry for her or was she just using me?

188 replies

Bluegem7 · 14/08/2025 14:30

I volunteer in a charity shop and get on well with the female manager who is in her 30's. She is very open with us all about her family problems…she has no control over her wayward teenage daughter and her husband doesn't show her any love or affection. Apart from that, our relationship has been professional and based on mutual respect…. until last Sunday evening when she rang me just as I was having my meal and asked if I could pick her up and take her to collect a parcel from the locker at Tesco as she'd had a message saying that if it wasn't collected by midnight it would be sent back. She doesn't drive and I assumed her husband wasn't available so I dropped everything and went to pick her up from her house. I didn't expect to be out long and left jobs like washing up, bringing in the washing, putting clean sheets on my bed, watering the garden and taking the dog out. When she came out of the house I noticed she was dressed up as if for a night out, lots of makeup and perfume, mini dress, evening bag, heels etc. We went to pick up the parcel and then she wanted to go to the local pub and although I wasn't keen I said ok, but just half an hour because I'd got jobs at home (I wasn't even dressed for going out, needed a shower and clean clothes etc). I had an orange juice but she was knocking back the large size wines. At 9.30pm I popped home to fetch my dog as she's not used to being left on her own in the evening. My colleague was acting quite drunk when I got back to the pub and making a fool of herself chatting up strange men. People started telling me I need to take her home before she gets into trouble (apparently she'd been drinking whiskey as well as 5 large wines which I didn't know til the barmaid told me). She told me she was going to the toilet but was gone ages, I went to look for her and she was outside flirting with a couple of guys and seemed annoyed at me for saying we had to go.
She's quite a large lady and I'm small so it wasn't easy getting her into my car where she passed out. I drove her home but the house was in darkness and the door was locked. I phoned her husband several times but no answer. I went back to the car and managed to rouse her and she said her husband locks her out (I later found out that he leaves the side door open). She wanted me to drive her to some guy's house 8 miles away…she said he'd let her stay there. I made her phone him first before driving there and he didn't answer. She told me to just take her to his pub and he'd be fine about it and I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't take her to my place as I only have one bed. On the way she was telling me about her affairs with married men and justifying it because her husband wasn't showing her any love and attention. He is ex army and suffers PTSD, is also quite a bit older than her. We got to the pub and she told me to just leave her there and she'd be fine (I obviously didn't). The guy wasn't there so I ended up driving her around at midnight as she kept giving me new instructions as to where this guy might be. Her husband in the meantime messaged me to say sorry he'd missed my call but he'd been asleep and he said he'd left the side door open again and he asked if she was still drunk (probably someone had contacted him as they are well known in town). The guy she wanted me to take her to finally answered her phone and told her she couldn't stay there (I've since found out that he is engaged). I then drove her back to her home where her husband was now awake and let her in (still very drunk). It was half past midnight when I finally got home (five and a half hours after she first phoned me). I understand she is obviously going through a bad patch but I couldn't help feeling a bit angry and upset and like I'd been used. I'm 73, have COPD and never normally drive at night. I know I could have left the pub when she was on her third glass and let her get a taxi home but I felt responsible for her as I'd been the one to pick her up from her house in my car. She has rung and apologised and begged me not to tell anyone so I can't even talk about it to a friend. Am I being unreasonable feeling angry and like I was coerced into the whole thing especially as she was dressed up obviously for a night out but told me she just needed a lift to collect a parcel. Am I being unreasonable for feeling she totally disrespected me? Or was it my fault for letting her get so drunk in the first place. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Iocainepowder · 15/08/2025 10:01

Othersnotsomuch · 15/08/2025 09:56

i think that would be grossly unfair on the basis of one evening, for which she apologised the following morning

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She has apologised but it doesn’t mean it won’t have a future impact on their working relationship or how the manager will treat op. Op already has concerns about their working relationship based on the night out and the manager has already pretty much acted unprofessionally by begging op not to mention the event.

GreyCarpet · 15/08/2025 10:01

so I dropped everything and went to pick her up from her house

Everything that happened from this point onwards was your choice.

Other people.can ask and they can even expect. You don't need to comply.

Othersnotsomuch · 15/08/2025 09:56

Iocainepowder · 15/08/2025 09:54

Yeah i’m not saying the manager would be sacked, but I agree it would be sensible for higher management to get involved just to ensure continued professionalism and boundaries, and a safe place for op to direct any further concerns to.

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i think that would be grossly unfair on the basis of one evening, for which she apologised the following morning

Iocainepowder · 15/08/2025 09:54

Othersnotsomuch · 15/08/2025 09:32

She may well have called in for a chat
but it wouldn’t go any further as a one off
and the Op was very very clearly a willing participant and I presume with full mental capacity

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Yeah i’m not saying the manager would be sacked, but I agree it would be sensible for higher management to get involved just to ensure continued professionalism and boundaries, and a safe place for op to direct any further concerns to.

Othersnotsomuch · 15/08/2025 09:32

Iocainepowder · 15/08/2025 09:30

I would think this would more be a case that the manager contacted an employee/volunteer and how these events unfolded, and how this can then impact the professional environment when one person is in a position of power over another.

It would be different if op was trying to report the manager of actions outside of the workplace that didn’t involve anyone else from work.

Show quote history

She may well have called in for a chat
but it wouldn’t go any further as a one off
and the Op was very very clearly a willing participant and I presume with full mental capacity

Iocainepowder · 15/08/2025 09:30

Othersnotsomuch · 15/08/2025 09:27

This will be a volunteer telling them about one incident that happened completely outside work time.

If they did sack her, she would have one hell of a strong case for unfair dismissal!!

OP how long has she been there?

Show quote history

I would think this would more be a case that the manager contacted an employee/volunteer and how these events unfolded, and how this can then impact the professional environment when one person is in a position of power over another.

It would be different if op was trying to report the manager of actions outside of the workplace that didn’t involve anyone else from work.

Othersnotsomuch · 15/08/2025 09:27

SomewhatDissatisfied · 15/08/2025 09:22

If you honestly think a charity would want someone who behaves like this to be a manager in one of their shops then you obviously don't know charities very well.

Show quote history

This will be a volunteer telling them about one incident that happened completely outside work time.

If they did sack her, she would have one hell of a strong case for unfair dismissal!!

OP how long has she been there?

Iocainepowder · 15/08/2025 09:25

Oh also op, it’s usually a really bad idea to socialise or be friends with your manager in any workplace. It confuses professional boundaries.

In the future at other places you might volunteer with, just decline any invitations like this. If you want to be friends with them after you leave, then fine.

SomewhatDissatisfied · 15/08/2025 09:22

Othersnotsomuch · 15/08/2025 09:11

Report her for what? This was all completely outside and separate to work time

and if an adult(the Op) with all their mental faculties in force does all this… well that’s on them

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If you honestly think a charity would want someone who behaves like this to be a manager in one of their shops then you obviously don't know charities very well.

SomewhatDissatisfied · 15/08/2025 09:19

Bluegem7 · 15/08/2025 07:35

It's a local cancer charity set up by a retired GP and I volunteer in the shop of which she is the manager. The rest of the organisation is apart from the shop and has facilities for cancer patients, their carers and families. They offer all kinds of therapies and support for anyone affected by cancer. I don't know the staff there apart from the one or two who also volunteer in the shop. The couple I do know well are the one's she made me promise not to tell. I don't know the CEO and only see her at meetings. She was the one I was going to talk to but now I've said I'll give her another chance. That may not be the right decision but I've made it now. She's messaged me this morning saying she hardly slept again and hopes we're ok. Yes I agree she is still being manipulative but at least I know what she is.

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But it's not for you to give second chances so again you have fallen into her trap. It absolutely needs to be reported that a manager is behaving like this. She shouldn't be in the shop full stop. She is bringing the charity into disrepute and you are now party to what is happening, which could implicate you if something happens again. This is absolutely outrageous and you need to report it. You are letting the charity down by keeping quiet. Do you honestly think she's going to sort her life out? This has clearly gone on a long time and I hate to say it, but it will be on your conscience for keeping quiet if something else happens, and when it comes out that you knew exactly what was going on and didn't say anything, you could find yourself having to answer awkward questions about why you didn't report it. And I don't think 'i said I'd give her a second chance if she promises not to do it again ' is going to help you. Seriously, just report it and leave. You're setting yourself up for a fall here if you don't.

pinkpony88 · 15/08/2025 09:13

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 14/08/2025 15:43

Also to add I’d be telling everyone Grin

I was just thinking the same thing! 🤣

Othersnotsomuch · 15/08/2025 09:11

HerecomesMargo · 15/08/2025 09:08

Op look who is sitting with all the upset and anger now. You. At age 73, just say no. Of all the people that woman called it was you. A 73yo woman who she took to the pub, and got her to drive her around to a man. Think about the level of disrespect she has for you. She called you because she knew you would come running. People don’t respect people pleasers.
I think you should report her. Yet again she manipulated you. She cried and you did exactly what she wanted.

Report her for what? This was all completely outside and separate to work time

and if an adult(the Op) with all their mental faculties in force does all this… well that’s on them

HerecomesMargo · 15/08/2025 09:08

Op look who is sitting with all the upset and anger now. You. At age 73, just say no. Of all the people that woman called it was you. A 73yo woman who she took to the pub, and got her to drive her around to a man. Think about the level of disrespect she has for you. She called you because she knew you would come running. People don’t respect people pleasers.
I think you should report her. Yet again she manipulated you. She cried and you did exactly what she wanted.

Othersnotsomuch · 15/08/2025 09:06

HerecomesMargo · 15/08/2025 09:03

What is this nonsense. All on you. Why did you drive her to the pub in the first place, go home and then go back to the pub, drive her to another man’s house and all the other nonsense. If you want to do stupid things then don’t complain after.
can’t believe you actually did any of that

Yes

To have got to 73 years old and behave like this… i can’t imagine the story over the last 60 odd years

HerecomesMargo · 15/08/2025 09:03

What is this nonsense. All on you. Why did you drive her to the pub in the first place, go home and then go back to the pub, drive her to another man’s house and all the other nonsense. If you want to do stupid things then don’t complain after.
can’t believe you actually did any of that

Crucible · 15/08/2025 09:00

I think it was kind of you not to let a very drunk woman endanger herself any further. That was decent of you.

There seems little point in keeping it secret for her - it won't be secret given her behaviour in a local pub in a small.town. There are volunteering jobs that might work better for you, have you tried a local hospital?
Volunteer staff in the NHS like the pink ladies, might suit you and you'll be well supported.

Iocainepowder · 15/08/2025 08:59

I would also agree with the PP and advise you to find a volunteering opportunity elsewhere.

This woman is still your manager and she holds all the power over you. Especially if there are no other or higher managers on site.

I’ve been there where a manager has private issues going on and takes it out on staff who have to call things out on her behaviour. It just turns into a power hungry bullying fest and it’s not worth it especially as you’re not being paid.

Othersnotsomuch · 15/08/2025 08:57

What are your relationships generally like op? Friends?

and your romantic relationship history? I’m going to guess… there’s been abuse?

Original poster
Bluegem7 · 15/08/2025 08:46

Phoenix1Arisen · 15/08/2025 08:22

In your shoes, I'd resign immediately and volunteer elsewhere.

This is a deeply troubled woman in an unhappy, potentially volatile relationship and now that you 'hold power' over her, she is likely to start an insidious little campaign against you - you know, the subtle, easily denied hints about your honesty or integrity. The veiled 'well, I shouldn't really comment but...' or 'I left an Armani jacket there yesterday and now it's gone....who was on back room duty...?'

Your kindness and desire to protect a woman who was drunk and vulnerable is to be applauded but you are now a possible target for anger from either husband or wife. Remember that old quip of don't shoot the messenger - it's based on centuries of observation of human nature.

Leave, like yesterday! Good luck.

I don't want to leave but that's a perspective I hadn't thought of. I've told the whole story to one other volunteer who I trust and I'm glad I did.

OP posts:
ClaredeBear · 15/08/2025 08:44

That’s pretty bad! Wow. Very much hope you can continue to support something so close to your heart ❤️

Original poster
Bluegem7 · 15/08/2025 08:40

ClaredeBear · 15/08/2025 08:15

A small charity must have the same policies and procedures as any other but I accept it doesn’t always work like that. I’m glad she appears to understand just how much trouble she could be in. I hope you can continue to enjoy your job whilst maintaining a distance but if not, there are a huge number of charities who would love to have you, so don’t feel obliged to stay.

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Thank you. It's a local cancer charity which is why I chose to volunteer there as it's close to my heart. Talking about politics and procedures a few years ago I reported a member of staff for racism (against the Welsh... I'm Welsh she's English) and nothing was done. It was over the Hugh Edwards (news reader) scandal and she kept saying she wasn't surprised because he's Welsh which I found deeply offensive.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 15/08/2025 08:39

"My colleague was acting quite drunk when I got back to the pub and making a fool of herself chatting up strange men. People started telling me I need to take her home before she gets into trouble (apparently she'd been drinking whiskey as well as 5 large wines which I didn't know til the barmaid told me)."

If you are ever in that position again, remind the pub about their duty of care and licensing conditions around serving drunk people, especially lone women.
We don't get to dictate how other adults live, we just get to decide what part we play in it. You over involved yourself and then blamed her for it. She initially took the piss, but then was telling you to leave her. Her going out the next day for a family day out, is none of your business.

Phoenix1Arisen · 15/08/2025 08:22

In your shoes, I'd resign immediately and volunteer elsewhere.

This is a deeply troubled woman in an unhappy, potentially volatile relationship and now that you 'hold power' over her, she is likely to start an insidious little campaign against you - you know, the subtle, easily denied hints about your honesty or integrity. The veiled 'well, I shouldn't really comment but...' or 'I left an Armani jacket there yesterday and now it's gone....who was on back room duty...?'

Your kindness and desire to protect a woman who was drunk and vulnerable is to be applauded but you are now a possible target for anger from either husband or wife. Remember that old quip of don't shoot the messenger - it's based on centuries of observation of human nature.

Leave, like yesterday! Good luck.

Gliblet · 15/08/2025 08:21

Bluegem7 · 15/08/2025 07:17

She has a 7 year old son with special needs and her husband is a disabled army veteran. I didn't think she should lose her job .

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It's her job to behave in a way that ensures she doesn't put her job at risk. Not your job to rewrite the rules for her.

ClaredeBear · 15/08/2025 08:15

Bluegem7 · 15/08/2025 07:35

It's a local cancer charity set up by a retired GP and I volunteer in the shop of which she is the manager. The rest of the organisation is apart from the shop and has facilities for cancer patients, their carers and families. They offer all kinds of therapies and support for anyone affected by cancer. I don't know the staff there apart from the one or two who also volunteer in the shop. The couple I do know well are the one's she made me promise not to tell. I don't know the CEO and only see her at meetings. She was the one I was going to talk to but now I've said I'll give her another chance. That may not be the right decision but I've made it now. She's messaged me this morning saying she hardly slept again and hopes we're ok. Yes I agree she is still being manipulative but at least I know what she is.

Show quote history

A small charity must have the same policies and procedures as any other but I accept it doesn’t always work like that. I’m glad she appears to understand just how much trouble she could be in. I hope you can continue to enjoy your job whilst maintaining a distance but if not, there are a huge number of charities who would love to have you, so don’t feel obliged to stay.