Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé insisting on donating sperm against my wishes

241 replies

Shitehound · 13/08/2025 22:27

He won’t back down. I have said multiple times that I don’t support this, we already have a lovely child together and for medical reasons I cannot/won’t risk carrying another baby myself. He keeps asking me to put myself as risk by having another child and because I won’t he has decided to donate sperm.

With DNA ancestry testing, anonymity is no longer possible, and our child could end up with half siblings all over the world. The donor children may get in contact with our family in the future, seems like emotional turmoil waiting to happen and a massive shock for our own child. He’s already started the process and is putting his foot down. It’s causing huge arguments. He said he is determined to carry on as it is his life goal to have lots of children and won’t stop this process.

He had an affair which I found out when our baby was a few weeks old which was devastating and is another reason why I refuse to have another child with him as I don’t want to put myself in a vulnerable position again. We have worked hard together to rebuild trust for me to forgive him after the affair betrayal and now this insistence on sperm donation has made me feel depressed and worthless. Like my opinion doesn’t matter in the slightest…

OP posts:
wildeflowers · 14/08/2025 04:58

wordywitch · 13/08/2025 22:31

At first I was going to say well it’s his body and his decision and you can’t really stop him, but his reasons for doing this are incredibly selfish and creepy. You’re entirely right to be weirded out and upset, IMO.

Same! Especially because you are mainly thinking of your child and possible future children born of the donation, while he’s only thinking of himself. It sounds like YOU worked hard on the relationship and he’s carrying on, getting away with deplorable behavior towards you.

Anotherbeeloudglade · 14/08/2025 04:35

Nobody rebuilds trust after an affair. Not ever, never happens. Sometimes people manage to gaslight themselves and pretend they are happy, but to paraphrase what Emma Thompson said in that movie, everything is always just a bit shittier - forever. It's a poisoned tree, you can't grow healthy fruit from a poisoned tree.

Cheaters are always selfish pigs too, as he has proven. It's time to start putting your ducks in a row to get away from this awful man.

sashh · 14/08/2025 04:19

When a woman has a need to not have more children for whatever reason a good man books himself in for the snip.

This is not a good man.

PerplexedConfusedBewildered · 14/08/2025 04:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 14/08/2025 04:16

Regarding the sperm - his body, his choice, surely? If your medical situation was different and you wanted to donate your eggs, you’d be furious if he told you that you couldn’t.

But the rest of it, Jesus wept. Why are you marrying someone who is forcing you to do something against your will, and who had an affair? But, you picked him as the father of your child. You’re stuck with him in your life (even if only a small role) for 18 years. Good luck. You’re going to need it with this “prince”.

Dolphininawheelchair · 14/08/2025 04:12

havent rtft but I wonder if he wants to donate sperm because he knows he’s got a secret child that then he can later claim was from donated sperm…

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/08/2025 04:03

I am willing to bet that the affair and the desire to father (but not parent!) lots of children are not the only massive red flags this guy is waving.

Big fan of Andrew Tate, Elon Musk etc is he?

Get out. Get out ASAP and do not look backwards. Run.

You are correct, he doesn't give a shit about you, it's all about him, what makes him feel good, what makes him look good ideally in the eyes of other men, hard work, lots of money, big dick energy spreading his seed across the nation...

You will never be his priority, in fact if you haven't already, you'll become his whipping boy, someone he blames all his failures on, who he takes his stress out on, and treats like dirt. You won't even feature on his priority list, never mind be top of it.

MrStragglyFox · 14/08/2025 00:49

SeptOrganisation · 13/08/2025 23:48

It is one thing to want more DC that he raises and seperate in order to do that. To want lots of DC he doesn't participate in raising is different, Elon Musk vibes. Even without this (and the cheating) you are fundamentally incompatible as you do not want more DC and he is adamant that he does. My advice would be to split.

Edited

Yes, this ⬆️ I knew it was reminding me of someone… Elon Musk!

It’s all sorts of wrong, OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’d be making plans to leave as soon as is viable.

He's repellant.

Lavender14 · 14/08/2025 00:23

Shitehound · 13/08/2025 23:51

Thank you for all your replies. Just quietly sobbing with reading all your lovely, and accurate comments. I know in my heart this is the final nail in the coffin. He actually yelled at me earlier because I asked ‘Why can’t you put me first?’ He’s also a complete workaholic and I’m really lonely. Would rather be a single mum than carry on like this.

Our child is primary school age. I earn ok money. It will be tight but you are all right I need to end this, he really doesn’t give a fuck about me. Thank you

Show quote history

Op, I hate to say it but it sounds like you are already a single mum... you have no support, he's working so much he's not likely to be present, you're the only one prioritising the needs of your child and family plus you're working on top of that. It might actually be easier doing it without him so you don't need to deal with the abusive behaviours and manipulation and narcissism. You're already doing it all you're just not getting the credit for it.

AllTheChatsAboutTea · 14/08/2025 00:17

He’s been listening to Elon Musk… it seems to be a “thing” at the moment for certain types of men to spread their seed as far as they can. Yuck.

He clearly puts his wants and desires ahead of yours, and doesn’t seem particularly bothered about your poor child. Time to stand up for yourself and get rid.

GinintheBin · 14/08/2025 00:00

Please run away from this awful man, as fast and as far away as you can.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 23:56

Dweetfidilove · 13/08/2025 23:51

She hasn't even married him yet, so she can scrap that idea 🙏🏾

Show quote history

Oh, my mistake, yes, even better!

Original poster
Shitehound · 13/08/2025 23:51

Lavender14 · 13/08/2025 22:37

Divorce op.

He's determined to procreate loads of children but has zero interest in actually parenting them? And will do it at the expense of the child who he is actually supposed to be parenting?

This sounds like some sort of weird ego rub or kink to be honest and yes I'd leave over this if he was determined to pursue it.

How absolutely traumatic for you as well, first the horror of realising he's had an affair when you are at your most vulnerable and dependent on him (I had the same experience- it's utterly devastating) and knowing you were forced to complete your family earlier than you'd expected to as a direct result of his behaviour (same here it is definitely a form of grief) for him to then decide he's going to do this.

I'm sorry op but that's a massive re-traumatising betrayal and you're absolutely correct to have the fears you have both for the impact on your child and your family.

He seems absolutely self- focused and like he has no ability to prioritise his family so I'd be quietly making plans to leave.

There's something feels very insidious about this that I can't put my finger on that sits very uneasy. I would seek legal advice, and support of a few friends who you know can keep their mouths shut and leave when he doesn't expect it.

How old is your child and do you have access to your own money?

Thank you for all your replies. Just quietly sobbing with reading all your lovely, and accurate comments. I know in my heart this is the final nail in the coffin. He actually yelled at me earlier because I asked ‘Why can’t you put me first?’ He’s also a complete workaholic and I’m really lonely. Would rather be a single mum than carry on like this.

Our child is primary school age. I earn ok money. It will be tight but you are all right I need to end this, he really doesn’t give a fuck about me. Thank you

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 13/08/2025 23:51

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 22:31

Huh? So hes saying that because you can't have more children, he is going to become an anonymous sperm donor so that his dna will live on in other's families?

He has also had an affair?

Girl, STAND UP. This man does not like or respect you.

Take your baby, divorce this man and do your best to surround him with positive influences moving forwards.

Sorry to be blunt but your marriage to this bellend is over xx

She hasn't even married him yet, so she can scrap that idea 🙏🏾

Praying4Peace · 13/08/2025 23:48

I feel for you OP.
This is a man that you can't stay in a relationship with.
So totally disrespectful to you and your child.
Please find the strength to leave him and you will start to heal

SeptOrganisation · 13/08/2025 23:48

It is one thing to want more DC that he raises and seperate in order to do that. To want lots of DC he doesn't participate in raising is different, Elon Musk vibes. Even without this (and the cheating) you are fundamentally incompatible as you do not want more DC and he is adamant that he does. My advice would be to split.

RampantIvy · 13/08/2025 23:45

Why is he your fiance? I think marrying him is a terrible idea.

It sounds like he is using Elon Musk as a role model.I

Dump him and raise your bar.

steff13 · 13/08/2025 23:41

He's not the one

Polly271220 · 13/08/2025 23:40

Wtf have I read! Why are you with this prick? Fuck him off!

Dinosweetpea · 13/08/2025 23:39

You need to leave this awful excuse for a man immediately.

Amanitacae · 13/08/2025 23:37

It’s horrific now, it will only get worse. He’s doesn’t give a shit about you or your child. Get out.

isthatmyage · 13/08/2025 23:36

OP wow, just no.....no, walk away, quickly xx

Cleaningismycardio · 13/08/2025 23:35

Is there a chance he thinks he has fathered other children while with you? This way if anyone comes forward in the future he can say it must have been through sperm donation? You need to make plans for yourself and your little one. Don't rely on this waste of space.

HeyThereDelila · 13/08/2025 23:31

Sorry, he had an affair and wants to become a mass sperm donor? Why are you still with him??

Leave him and take your child or throw him out. But have more self respect and end this relationship.

There are huge problems with donor conception and mass donors are a ticking time bomb. It’s good for the child to be able to trace their genetic parents, but sperm and egg donation are setting up huge problems for the future and the fall out in the next generation will be awful.

Get rid of him.

gotmyknickersinatwist · 13/08/2025 23:30

Hmm, so when a child turns up he can say 'oh! this must be the result of the sperm I donated, definitely not illegitimate affair offspring.'

Perhaps he's already a 'sperm donor'.

I'm really sorry OP, but I couldn't ever trust him again. He has done a terrible thing, cheating on you when you needed him most.