Lied to boyfriend about STD. I feel have so much guilt

Your medical history and treatment are private. But if you’re actively infected so it’s communicable and didn’t say anything or use protection, that to me is SA and a pretty shocking thing to do. I had an ex lie to me about getting tested before going no protection and when I found out it affected me the same as a SA mentally. Luckily I didn’t catch anything but the mental anguish was enough. I think the deeper issue to address is how you could do that to begin with. What’s behind your willingness to take his consent away? You need to address this and do some inner work. I don’t think you deserve his trust. I think you need to leave the relationship, seek counseling, and avoid intimate relationships until you’ve worked out this issue. If I misunderstood I apologize for being harsh but the no condom thing really stuck out to me as the really awful part. That being said, I think it’s very brave to admit wrongdoing and to take steps to correct. I respect your honesty and willingness to make it right.

I'd be surprised if that's correct given the awful consequences of some STDs that are not HIV.

Syphilis causes terrible illness, including death. Chlamydia and gonorrhea can take away a woman's fertility. Those things are dire. And about herpes, someone could easily argue that it had caused them lots of pain, embarrassment, and got in the way of finding love and affection.

I hope you read this before thread is removed! You have had an absolute load of misinformation and meanness.

HPV is so common most people will be exposed to it at some point in their lives - hence vaccine against high risk strains. But most strains are simply cleared by the body and many get no symptoms.

There are many strains and the body generally clears them. Warts can be caused by certain strains. Generally that are not the same strain as the cancer causing ones. Even protection cannot fully stop it - skin to skin.

It is likely from your time lag that you have been exposed to different strains. I would highly doubt you had reactivation. So I don’t think that previous genital wart episode years ago will be related to the current smear. They are likely to be different strains and much more likely that the smear was caused by sexual activity you had 5 years ago and the warts from years back.

It is likely your current boyfriend will have been exposed in his lifetime too if he has had had more than one sexual partner.

This is unfortunately one of the most common viruses passed through sexual contact even with condoms.

So I don’t think it is your fault for not telling him about the genital warts from years ago. The hpv strain you have now you have told him about. I don’t think you should panic over previously having a strain years ago that caused warts.

I haven't found it to be "a truly horrible painful lifelong condition." YMMV, of course. It's a harmless skin rash. I don't get many outbreaks, though. If you do, can you get some better medication?

That is exactly what happened to me. Husband gave me HSV1 on my genitals via oral sex. Obviously we didn't do it while he had a cold sore, but the virus often sheds with no sore.

Awww, you're not a leper!!! Hugs!

Oh OP....why would you do that. I have genital herpes, so I have experience with telling potential partners. (I know that herpes, or HSV, is a different thing from HPV.)

I have always told people upfront, really early, and not while stuff is going down. You don't want to be telling people while you're half-naked and excited. Telling people really early also has a protective effect on you, in that if they're going to reject you for it, your heart is not yet involved.

I have had a 50% "acceptance rate." That is, 50% have not wanted to continue, and the other 50% didn't care.

I take Valtrex and I tell them that although I take it, it's far from perfect. Generally, they go away and do some research about HSV and Valtrex, sometimes consult their doctors.

While you do get rejected half the time, in my experience, that's a small thing compared to the warm glow you get from being really honest, upfront and early, and doing the right thing.

I think you can fix the situation and get back to being someone who does the right thing.

1. Tell him.
2. Be prepared to take the loss, as a consequence of your choice. Behave well over it; don't beg and plead, just accept the consequence, if he ends things.
3. In the future, vow to ALWAYS tell people upfront and early.

You will feel better for it.

-----

There's another lesson in this thread....I am SHOCKED at the number of posters who have been lied to about STIs. We should always, always ask for proof of their results. It's a litmus test; if they get shifty or can't produce them, then you can't trust what they say.

I recently rejected a man who is older, like me, loves to shag around, and has NEVER EVER had any STI tests. He refused point-blank. So that was that, for me. I'm too old to put up with such nonsense as someone who's too irresponsible to get STI tests. Total dealbreaker.

We have to keep our standards high and set boundaries if we don't want to get sick.

I know you understand that this is really bad.

You need to be honest going forward.

I had genital warts nearly 20 years ago, thankfully they never returned. I know that I mentioned it to DH at the beginning.

Most importantly for you, stop having unprotected sex, next time it might be HIV.

You're not with this man long enough to be taken huge risks, wait until you're on a longterm loving relationship.

The HIV and gonorrhoea viruse is rampant.

@Britneyfan true, but I think that PP meant oral herpes / cold sore which is true, you rarely hear of anyone asking a partner “do you ever get cold sores?” Or telling them.

I think a lot of people don’t realise you can then pass this genitally with oral sex, they don’t think of cold sores as “herpes” they have no idea it’s the literal same thing in many cases, and that it can be passed on without a visible sore.

That’s how a lot of people end up with herpes these days!

Another PP mentioned the stigma isn’t the same, which is also true and baffling.

The amount of times I’ve heard people go “ewww herpes” that actually themselves get cold sores on their face is unreal.

Mine is type 2, sadly, so I’m the great unwashed / a leper to the folk on here who, ironically, are statistically likely to have HSV1 / HPV at some point in their lives and not even realise.

Such is life

I am feeling a bit daft .... but it would never have occurred to me that he could possibly get the wart virus because you had it active on your cervix. I can see the issue if you had active warts in your vagina ...but surely he would have to touch your cervix to transfer the wart virus? Or do the cells shed off your cervix?

maybe offer to pay for him to be vaccinated?

And for the record, coming back to a previous post where this was being debated, I’d totally take my chances with HPV over genital herpes if I for some bizarre reason had to make a straight choice to be infected with one or the other! Genital herpes is a truly horrible painful lifelong condition and much more stigmatised than HPV on a smear.

Also herpes can totally be passed on even if you don’t have any lesions at the time (for the pp who said she has herpes but it’s totally fine for her not to mention it to a sexual partner as it won’t be passed on…)

What a judging lot. I have discussed about this with a gynaecologist/obstrecian. He said it didn’t really matter the man to know or not know as most men have it and it’s lying dormant. As they don’t get particularly tested we cant know if they had already been infected too and that maybe they even had it already and that we didn’t necessarily bring us the women into the relationship!

Most women have it and it’s lying dormant and even a woman with all clear smears can have it but between the tests the autoimmune system gets strong again and fights it and it’s not detected at the next test. I speak about the cytology tests, the classic Pap test. This new hpv tests might pick tbe virus dormant even maybe? Thus they then do the cytology then to see if there are changes or anything.

The advice of the doctor was to stop smoking and boost my autoimmune system with good diet and habits.

By the way the type of hpv you had (the warts type) are the ones that are not suspected for cancer.

Stop torturing yourself and ignore the nonsense.

but my question is … did you proceed with unprotected sex just after you had an positive result after all these years? Did they check then the test witn cytology ? What did that say?

OP, as a GP I also don’t really think of HPV as an STI, though yes technically it is really. It’s incredibly common, though I believe the hope is with the new vaccines it can be mostly stamped out in future generations.

The choices are to tell him and accept any consequences of that, or try to “get over it” and forget about it forever as someone else put it.

Like a pp there is definitely part of me that thinks he now knows about the HPV, he’s happy to continue the relationship, and you have essentially “got away with it” with pretty much zero chance of him ever finding out the truth I’d say. And I wonder if it’s really worth rocking the boat for both of you for the sake of being completely transparent.

At the same time, I do very much believe in honesty in relationships (and generally lol) and it seems this is really eating you up inside and if you are someone like me, that feeling isn’t going to go away, you’re not going to be able to just forget about it because you’re just not that sort of person, and it’s ruining your joy in this new relationship. It’s also a very recent lie right now so if you are ever going to come clean, the time is now while it’s still potentially more forgivable than ten years down the line or whatever!

Only you can decide. I personally don’t think it’s the crime of the century, in fact I was quite shocked to open the thread and find out we are just talking about HPV here. Ten years ago I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t even have crossed anyone’s mind to inform a sexual partner about this even if you’d had abnormal cells on a smear etc. Let alone feel this level of guilt over it all. Yes I do ultimately think you should have told him and let him decide, but also he was happy to have sex with you without protection and presumably without interrogating you about STDs beforehand so I think he does have to take some of the responsibility here too. Anybody who has unprotected sex with anybody else, especially without prior STD testing is knowingly taking some risks.

I’m also not as completely horrified as some others appear to be on here at the very idea of unprotected sex per se (the “it’s CRAZY! CRAZY!!! post was actually hilarious!) It happens up and down the country all the time, including in the context of one night stands, though I would agree in general that it’s not a great idea with a new partner and without prior STD testing. Let alone contraception (not sure if you have another method). I certainly wouldn’t do it now (I would still not always want to use condoms personally, but would have couples STD testing if in a committed long term relationship and perhaps naively, then trust my partner not to cheat…), but when younger I do recall that at one point I didn’t use a condom or go for couples STD testing with a relatively new partner at one stage (though I was on the pill!) Life happens sometimes.

I so hope it all works out for you OP!

I honestly believe what you did amounts to sexual assault. He should have been told and been able to provide informed CONSENT with the correct and true information.

@CandleRigg89 the consensus appears to be with you, out of interest, would you agree with what @Hyperbowl has said here? (Went down a total rabbit hole reading some of the links provided and googling to try and understand and am now invested in knowing the answer 🤣🤣) I’m a GP so no idea about legal stuff and have no clue why I took that rabbit hole but here I am now!

Basically that it’s theoretically possible in Scotland to prosecute someone for passing on or risking passing on HPV, but in reality it would be almost impossible to do successfully?

I’m thinking let’s say you have the perfect case, a person who has only ever had sex with the accused and has no other sexual history in terms of other forms of sexual contact at all. (I know HPV can technically be passed on in other scenarios such as kissing, but it is primarily passed on through some form of sexual contact I believe. Feel free to assume this person also has never French kissed anyone else if that makes it simpler). They now have HPV, as does the accused, and have developed penile cancer from it which is now terminal, therefore definitely facing death as a knock-on consequence of the HPV (albeit this would be a very rare scenario before I freak anyone including poor OP here out!) Would there be any chance of the case 1. Being taken on by anyone and 2. Being actually successful in getting a prosecution?

I’m not living in Scotland personally but have only ever heard of HIV cases being prosecuted this way (and generally even then it’s been really crazy scenarios where some psychopath has literally specifically set out to infect as many people as possible with HIV on purpose). So I was quite shocked when it was suggested this sort of situation could be considered prosecutable.

I think you were both using no protection.
Start afresh and both go and see an STI clinic.
Take information and advice on board and both have your current STI status known to each other.

Ask about vaccinations available too.

@wheresamy I think you are being too hard on yourself here.

He could have used a condom while getting to know a new partner.

And you may have still been in shock/ processing the information and not ready to tell a new partner.

I agree it would be more responsible to have not had sex but we are all human and make mistakes where carnal drive is concerned.

Cut yourself some slack. You've told him now so he can get tested if he wants. Try to forgive yourself and let it go.

As long as you weren't stupid enough to have unprotected sex with a practical stranger, hopefully he won't be infected.
You lied though and you put someone elses sexual health at risk as well as your own (you didn't know what, if anything HE had) which is incredibly selfish, dangerous and nasty.

What you do now is up to you. I mean the damage is done, right? Next time though, think of someone other than yourself first

OP get off mumnet. Book yourself in for a STI check. Explain your worries and they will educate you accordingly.

This will mean when you talk to him you can have a educated and informed discussion which should hopefully prevent emotions being swayed by uninformed ideas.

When you love someone, you protect them from harm. This will eat you up so you need to be honest and deal with the consequences.

The absolute lack of knowledge and judgment on here is astounding.
Uncouth your fucking pearls and read up on HPV and HSV- both totally different.
You really are a load of judgemental witches.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/human-papilloma-virus-hpv/

The absolute lack of knowledge and judgment on here is astounding.
Uncouth your fucking pearls and read up on HPV and HSV- both totally different.
You really are a load of judgemental witches.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/human-papilloma-virus-hpv/

Sorry, but this is bad. Switch the genders here....

Be open with him..... Only chance you have long term. If it doesn't work out, take it on the chin.

Hugs to you. There’s a LOT of judgement on this post. It’s incredibly difficult to be sexual in your early 20s, unprotected sex happens and there is so much hostility. I write as an HIV positive woman. My encouragement is to seek counselling via a sexual health organisation, which will have resources and support networks.

Be kind to yourself OP, it’s really common, it’s not disgusting. You’ve told him and he accepts you. You both made the decision to have unprotected sex - he may have already had it without knowing! It isn’t routinely tested for. Stop beating yourself up

Scottish HSV is more virulent. Buyer beware!