Page 4 | AIBU to think my ex should pay more child maintenance when he earns £720k a year?

Pashpash24 · 2025-08-13T18:14:37+00:00

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible while giving some back story. I was with my ex-partner for four years. We had a son together, but he walked out before he was born. He saw him a few times as a newborn, but I had asked that he didn’t bring his new partner. My son was six weeks old when he turned up at my door with her, even though I’d said it was too soon. He took me to court saying she should be allowed to meet him. The court agreed it was too soon and suggested maybe when the baby was older. Because of that, he told me he would never see his son again. I was devastated and said fine, she can meet him, because I didn’t want him to walk away. But he still refused and never saw him again. For six years, he had no contact — no visits, no messages, nothing. The only thing he did was pay child maintenance. It was a decent amount (£1,277.50 a month), and I never asked for more. He went on to have three more children with his now wife. I just got on with life until one day my son came out of school and asked, “I must have a dad, right?” I’d never told him about his father because I didn’t want him to feel abandoned. When he started asking more questions, I texted his dad to say I was going to tell him the truth — I wasn’t going to raise him on a lie. I’d messaged over the years, even sent photos, and he’d read them on WhatsApp but never replied. So I didn’t expect a response this time either. Surprisingly, he replied and said maybe it was time to meet. This was when my son was six (he’s now nearly nine). In the last three years, he’s probably met him in person about 10 times. He calls roughly once every 10 days, which I think is poor — it should’ve progressed a lot more by now. Anyway, to the point. I recently logged into my Child Maintenance account after receiving an unusual notification. It showed his salary: £720,000 a year. I’ve always been paid £1,277.50 a month because that’s what CMS caps it at. He could earn £1 million a week and I’d still receive that same amount — you have to go to court for any increase. Would he be able to afford more? Absolutely. I know it’s a decent amount, but he only pays it because that’s the legal minimum CMS tells him to. I’m self-employed and work part-time so my son can do after-school activities — he’s football mad and trains/plays four times a week. I’m essentially raising him alone; my dad moved 40 miles away, and I have no relationship with my mum. I rarely get a break, but that’s been the reality since the start. I’ve never asked for an increase, but life is much more expensive now. £1,277 doesn’t go as far as it did six years ago, and £720,000 a year is a huge income. To put it into perspective — CMS only calculates maintenance on a maximum salary of £156,000 a year. My ex earns over four times that, but I still only get the amount they’d set for £156k — just over 2% of his actual income. Unless I go to court for a “top-up order”, that’s all I’ll ever get. AIBU to ask for more?

Newnamesameme · 15/08/2025 09:43

HopscotchBanana · 15/08/2025 08:37

OP was with the man for four years and he walked out when she was pregnant, yet somehow you’re making her out to be some opportunist.

Perhaps some degree of opportunism. More likely just trying to force something. People generally don't have serious relationships for 4yrs and not make any steps to at least move in together. He certainly didn't see her as serious. Because he's shown his actions when he is. His wife, he had met, married and had 3 children in not much more that the same space of time than OP states their relationship was.

If you asked him, was it a 4yr relationship, or was OP someone he was casually dating on and off perhaps amongst others over a few years. I think it's clear that he was what OP wanted, and I think she built up visions of one day a proper relationship, moving in, a family, because they were sleeping together. I think we've all been guilty of convincing ourselves of things are fine and real when we don't want the alternative to be true.

He didn't walk out on anything because there wasn't anything to walk out on. Had she made the same decision as him and decided the baby wasn't wanted, it would be a total non event. Two people that don't live together, no longer sleeping together. No division of assets. No unmerging of families. No moving out and starting again. Just a boyfriend ending it with his girlfriend.

All those things remain the same, except OP found she was pregnant. There seems to be some weird expectation that he should suddenly want her child and raise it and he's a "shit" for not wanting either. If she's decided the same, is she a "shit?" No. Does he pay the maximum amount CMS can grant, every month, without fail? Yes. Funding her ability to choose to work part time. Yes.

After seeing the reality of deciding to have a child that only one parent wants, and having played silly buggers with contact when he was born because she was jealous of his wife, her son starts asking for his dad, so she contacts him, and fair play he agrees to some contact. And after all this, she's clocked her ex's pay packet some ten years after the last time she was anything to do with him. And her great idea is to go after him for even more cash.

You need to calm the fuck down. You are way too personal. This is someone's real life you are frothing at, go get a cup of tea or something

HopscotchBanana · 15/08/2025 09:22

I don’t get why posters think he didn’t want the baby. They were together for four years - not as though it was a one night stand.

OP says they were together for 4yrs. On the basis they didn't even live together after that amount of time, you have to wonder if he thought they were together in any real form.

He lived with, married and had multiple children with someone in a similar time span, so it's not like we're dealing with a commitment phobe.

As I said, I wonder what his summation of interactions over the 4yrs with OP would be? A relationship? Someone he slept with on and off? Friends with benefits? My sister's friend was obsessed with a chap locally and they would hook up most weekends, and this probably went on for 3 or 4 years. He was never properly interested in her and she turned a blind eye to any rumblings that he was dating other people too. But she was infatuated and always available for him. She didn't have eyes for anyone else. He met his now fiancé and had moved her into his within about 5 months. The friend was distraught how "her man" could do that to her. If you ask her, she will tell you they were in a relationship. It was to her.

From the way OP describes things and the very fact that someone who has no issue with settling down, progressed nothing with OP for 4 years, it points to it being a one sided perception of a relationship here too.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/08/2025 09:18

HopscotchBanana · 15/08/2025 09:08

People keep saying "his son , his son like it automatically results in a meaningful relationship.

This is a child he didn't want and has no bond with who now receives a phonecall a couple of times a month.

Just because OP did want the child doesn't suddenly mean anything changes for the other parent. Millions of women decide they don't want to have and raise a child they've conceived, every year. Should we all be judging them about the son they opted out of? I hope not.

It's ok not to want a pregnancy. It's ok not to want to raise a child with a particular person. For both parents.

It's ok as a woman to choose to have a baby. But if you choose it knowingly that you will be a single parent, then don't pretend life is unfair and you had no choice. Prepare yourself to answer the questions your child will have. Prepare yourself for the upset this child may feel as a result. Because you created the situation, so own it and be accountable for your decisions.

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Why are you, and the rest of the thread assuming that he walked out because he didn’t want the baby ? OP hasn’t specified. It could have been for any number of reasons and past the time when abortion was an option.

What’s clear is that he left OP pregnant and by the time she had the baby he was in a serious relationship with someone else. OP didn’t want the new woman anywhere near their child - has it crossed anyone’s mind that it was possibly because she suspects he was cheating with her while OP was pregnant ? Snd that’s the reason he left ? He was happy to have contact when the baby was born but basically threw a strop when he couldn’t get his own way. I have no idea why people would support that.

HopscotchBanana · 15/08/2025 09:08

Rosscameasdoody · 15/08/2025 08:50

Christ, how to keep a woman in her place 101!! You think he’s doing his son and OP a favour by seeing him son every ten days, taking him to an arcade occasionally and never having him overnight and you’re essentially telling OP to be happy with the status quo because if she rocks the boat he’ll go NC.

You talk about an emotional about turn when DS was six as though it was some cuddly heart warming event. It wasn’t. He was involved with the child until the point where OP refused to let his GF visit the baby, so he dragged her through the courts to try to force her hand. And when the courts agreed that it was too soon and should wait until the child was older, he went NC for the next six years.

That the maintenance is paid via CMS speaks volumes about his willingness to pay - OP likely had no choice but to pursue him this way. It may be a high amount but it represents the most he has to pay under CMS and when you equate £1200 a month with his earnings of £33,000 a month you see the inequity. Not exactly dad of the year.

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People keep saying "his son , his son like it automatically results in a meaningful relationship.

This is a child he didn't want and has no bond with who now receives a phonecall a couple of times a month.

Just because OP did want the child doesn't suddenly mean anything changes for the other parent. Millions of women decide they don't want to have and raise a child they've conceived, every year. Should we all be judging them about the son they opted out of? I hope not.

It's ok not to want a pregnancy. It's ok not to want to raise a child with a particular person. For both parents.

It's ok as a woman to choose to have a baby. But if you choose it knowingly that you will be a single parent, then don't pretend life is unfair and you had no choice. Prepare yourself to answer the questions your child will have. Prepare yourself for the upset this child may feel as a result. Because you created the situation, so own it and be accountable for your decisions.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/08/2025 09:07

MikeRafone · 15/08/2025 08:47

After seeing the reality of deciding to have a child that only one parent wants, and having played silly buggers with contact when he was born because she was jealous of his wife, her son starts asking for his dad, so she contacts him, and fair play he agrees to some contact. And after all this, she's clocked her ex's pay packet some ten years after the last time she was anything to do with him. And her great idea is to go after him for even more cash

It's the fact you don't understand human feelings of a visitor being brought into the house that is the girlfriend of your ex - I can't get my head round how callous and uncaring you come across. I hope I never meet you in real life

I think people have a very blinkered view of what actually happened because it doesn’t suit the narrative of OP being feckless and money grabbing. If the relationship broke down during her pregnancy and her ex had a new, and clearly serious relationship with another woman by the time the baby was born, it’s not an unreasonable leap to this woman being the reason he walked out. And if OP had her suspicions that he was cheating while she was pregnant she’s hardly likely to welcome her into her childs’ life with open arms.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/08/2025 09:03

MikeRafone · 15/08/2025 08:39

So a woman goes ahead and decides to have the baby

a man has sex and expects a woman not to get pregnant or get presents and then abort the baby when he decides to leave the relationship

This. I don’t get why posters think he didn’t want the baby. They were together for four years - not as though it was a one night stand.

OP says he walked out before his son was born, but people are assuming that that was when OP told him she was pregnant. The relationship could have broken down past the point where a termination was an option. And he was happy to have contact with the chid until OP objected to his new partner visiting the baby six weeks post partum.

The fact that he then pursued OP through the courts for the GF to have contact with the baby, and went NC when that failed is one of the most callous things l’ve ever heard, and yet other women on here appear to be supporting it. Women are regularly castigated on MN for letting a new partner anywhere near their child and yet what we seem to be saying here is that it’s perfectly acceptable for a man to do exactly that. And don’t get me started on the timescales between him walking out when OP was pregnant and having a new GF by the time the baby was born.

HopscotchBanana · 15/08/2025 08:54

MikeRafone · 15/08/2025 08:39

So a woman goes ahead and decides to have the baby

a man has sex and expects a woman not to get pregnant or get presents and then abort the baby when he decides to leave the relationship

What a strange thing to say.

Nowhere on the thread does it say that he expected her to terminate the baby.

She gets to choose if she has it. He gets to choose to have any involvement.

What you don't get to do is know the other person doesn't want the child, have it, then berate them for being absent because you couldn't force them to raise said child with you. Nor play the "poor me and my poor child" card because, quelle suprise, it turns out that when a parent actually wants a child and wants to raise them with the other parent they are a great parent to those children.

OP and her child live a far better life than OP could provide on her efforts because of the large child maintenance she has received every single month already and will continue to do so. She's no victim here.

The fact that three children in a stable, successful family unit live a different life ten years on to OP falling pregnant has very little to do with anything. It's not what her son is entitled to, because that set up was never on the cards for OP, kids or not.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/08/2025 08:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Christ, how to keep a woman in her place 101!! You think he’s doing his son and OP a favour by seeing him son every ten days, taking him to an arcade occasionally and never having him overnight and you’re essentially telling OP to be happy with the status quo because if she rocks the boat he’ll go NC.

You talk about an emotional about turn when DS was six as though it was some cuddly heart warming event. It wasn’t. He was involved with the child until the point where OP refused to let his GF visit the baby, so he dragged her through the courts to try to force her hand. And when the courts agreed that it was too soon and should wait until the child was older, he went NC for the next six years.

That the maintenance is paid via CMS speaks volumes about his willingness to pay - OP likely had no choice but to pursue him this way. It may be a high amount but it represents the most he has to pay under CMS and when you equate £1200 a month with his earnings of £33,000 a month you see the inequity. Not exactly dad of the year.

MikeRafone · 15/08/2025 08:47

After seeing the reality of deciding to have a child that only one parent wants, and having played silly buggers with contact when he was born because she was jealous of his wife, her son starts asking for his dad, so she contacts him, and fair play he agrees to some contact. And after all this, she's clocked her ex's pay packet some ten years after the last time she was anything to do with him. And her great idea is to go after him for even more cash

It's the fact you don't understand human feelings of a visitor being brought into the house that is the girlfriend of your ex - I can't get my head round how callous and uncaring you come across. I hope I never meet you in real life

MikeRafone · 15/08/2025 08:39

So a woman goes ahead and decides to have the baby

a man has sex and expects a woman not to get pregnant or get presents and then abort the baby when he decides to leave the relationship

HopscotchBanana · 15/08/2025 08:37

OP was with the man for four years and he walked out when she was pregnant, yet somehow you’re making her out to be some opportunist.

Perhaps some degree of opportunism. More likely just trying to force something. People generally don't have serious relationships for 4yrs and not make any steps to at least move in together. He certainly didn't see her as serious. Because he's shown his actions when he is. His wife, he had met, married and had 3 children in not much more that the same space of time than OP states their relationship was.

If you asked him, was it a 4yr relationship, or was OP someone he was casually dating on and off perhaps amongst others over a few years. I think it's clear that he was what OP wanted, and I think she built up visions of one day a proper relationship, moving in, a family, because they were sleeping together. I think we've all been guilty of convincing ourselves of things are fine and real when we don't want the alternative to be true.

He didn't walk out on anything because there wasn't anything to walk out on. Had she made the same decision as him and decided the baby wasn't wanted, it would be a total non event. Two people that don't live together, no longer sleeping together. No division of assets. No unmerging of families. No moving out and starting again. Just a boyfriend ending it with his girlfriend.

All those things remain the same, except OP found she was pregnant. There seems to be some weird expectation that he should suddenly want her child and raise it and he's a "shit" for not wanting either. If she's decided the same, is she a "shit?" No. Does he pay the maximum amount CMS can grant, every month, without fail? Yes. Funding her ability to choose to work part time. Yes.

After seeing the reality of deciding to have a child that only one parent wants, and having played silly buggers with contact when he was born because she was jealous of his wife, her son starts asking for his dad, so she contacts him, and fair play he agrees to some contact. And after all this, she's clocked her ex's pay packet some ten years after the last time she was anything to do with him. And her great idea is to go after him for even more cash.

MikeRafone · 15/08/2025 08:35

usedtobeaylis · 14/08/2025 08:23

They think it because they're male identified, in feminist terms. They identify more with the father than with the mother.

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I think its because they've been indoctrinated for years to believe the mysogonist ideas

Rosscameasdoody · 15/08/2025 08:33

HopscotchBanana · 15/08/2025 07:55

Lmao

"Because you aren't a faux victim after someone else's cash, you must be bitter about those that are"

What a crock of shit 😁. I also want a Bentley Bentayga, but we can't afford one until we've finished the house. I mean we could get one because fuck the consequences of debt and then blame anyone else that we've got no money, but then that would just make me "bitter and projecting". If only we could all fake not being able to work and pay for our own children because "there's a swimming class at 4.30pm"

Pointing out someone has simply got everything they asked for (a kid with no dad because she banked on that being the way to keep the dad attached to her, but turns out no) is now getting exactly what she signed up for. Making it dad's fault that her child was unwanted but she chose to have it because it's now biting her on the arse.

Maybe not such a brilliant idea to decide you're having a kid when the other parent doesn't want it, if you can't be accountable for your choice.

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You’re actually making this posters’ point for them.

RubySquid · 15/08/2025 08:20

MarvellousMonsters · 15/08/2025 00:03

Because he left her with a baby to care for single handed, he earns over £700,000 a year and can afford it. @Pashpash24 is raising his child, whilst he and his new wife & family are living in luxury. It’s incredibly difficult to work/earn enough to live on when you are a lone parent with no family/practical support, so to compensate her, and provide for his child he should buy a two bedroom house for them to live in, so she at least hasn’t got to worry about paying rent, meaning she can focus on making sure their son healthy, happy and well cared for.

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Edit because she decided to continue with a pregnancy knowing that he didn't want the child. The child wasn't even born when they split

If he was to buy a house it should be for the son only, maybe in some kind of trust that the mum can live in until son 18.

HopscotchBanana · 15/08/2025 08:13

Allisnotlost1 · 15/08/2025 08:09

God you sound really horrible. Calling the child ‘unwanted’ and ‘it’. Really nasty. He’s clearly very much wanted and loved by his mum and has had an on off relationship with the dad. OP was with the man for four years and he walked out when she was pregnant, yet somehow you’re making her out to be some opportunist.

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Is it only women who can decide a conception is unwanted? An unwanted pregnancy isn't "nasty". Ask the millions of women each year who decide just that.

"It" is simply gender neutral. A generic baby. Him. Her. It. Them. Take your pick. Somewhat clutching at straws to find things to be outraged by now... Although seemingly not at choosing to have a child with someone who states from the start they won't be involved, then crying "abandonment" because turns out it's shit for the child...

Allisnotlost1 · 15/08/2025 08:09

HopscotchBanana · 15/08/2025 07:55

Lmao

"Because you aren't a faux victim after someone else's cash, you must be bitter about those that are"

What a crock of shit 😁. I also want a Bentley Bentayga, but we can't afford one until we've finished the house. I mean we could get one because fuck the consequences of debt and then blame anyone else that we've got no money, but then that would just make me "bitter and projecting". If only we could all fake not being able to work and pay for our own children because "there's a swimming class at 4.30pm"

Pointing out someone has simply got everything they asked for (a kid with no dad because she banked on that being the way to keep the dad attached to her, but turns out no) is now getting exactly what she signed up for. Making it dad's fault that her child was unwanted but she chose to have it because it's now biting her on the arse.

Maybe not such a brilliant idea to decide you're having a kid when the other parent doesn't want it, if you can't be accountable for your choice.

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God you sound really horrible. Calling the child ‘unwanted’ and ‘it’. Really nasty. He’s clearly very much wanted and loved by his mum and has had an on off relationship with the dad. OP was with the man for four years and he walked out when she was pregnant, yet somehow you’re making her out to be some opportunist.

HopscotchBanana · 15/08/2025 07:55

sexnotgenders · 15/08/2025 07:19

And there we have it. I was wondering why you were being so bitter and so overinvested in defending your opinion - you couldn’t have the number of children you would’ve ‘loved’, so you’re projecting all that onto the OP because in your eyes, she chose to have a baby she couldn’t afford regardless, whereas you’re such a morally superior, strong, independent woman, you didn’t make that choice. Well done you. We’re all very proud.

OP, ignore all these women hating women on here. It isn’t a race to the bottom. Raise the bar higher. The child should receive more money from his incredibly wealthy father. The suggestions of a trust fund in his name are very sensible and entirely reasonable.

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Lmao

"Because you aren't a faux victim after someone else's cash, you must be bitter about those that are"

What a crock of shit 😁. I also want a Bentley Bentayga, but we can't afford one until we've finished the house. I mean we could get one because fuck the consequences of debt and then blame anyone else that we've got no money, but then that would just make me "bitter and projecting". If only we could all fake not being able to work and pay for our own children because "there's a swimming class at 4.30pm"

Pointing out someone has simply got everything they asked for (a kid with no dad because she banked on that being the way to keep the dad attached to her, but turns out no) is now getting exactly what she signed up for. Making it dad's fault that her child was unwanted but she chose to have it because it's now biting her on the arse.

Maybe not such a brilliant idea to decide you're having a kid when the other parent doesn't want it, if you can't be accountable for your choice.

sexnotgenders · 15/08/2025 07:19

HopscotchBanana · 14/08/2025 08:58

We don't know what the judge agreed. Unless the wife was a danger to children, she wasn't banned from seeing the child.

More likely OP saying she wanted home visits from just the dad with no other person present to start. Which she did purely out of jealousy. And yes, the wife can't just force entry to someone's home. OP then describes this set up as the judge agreeing the wife shouldn't be involved. No, just that the wife won't be in OPs house. Big difference. Either way, the father who already didn't want the baby, thinks "fuck this, I don't really want to be here anyway, I try and at my first attempt she's got to make it all about her vs my wife being present."

Yes if a man or woman who doesn't want a baby they get a fucking free pass! You think either parent should be forced to raise a child they don't want because the other does? Or is that just ok for women? Her choice is to have a child or not. His choice is to be around the child or not.

Women need to be able to afford a baby without any support from government or father if she can't, then abort

Oh my god, us poor women who fund our own food, house and children as much as our entitlement we expect from a man or the state, what an alien and awful concept.

It's called being accountable. Or are women just victims who just have to have children they can't afford to raise? We have 3 kids. I'd have loved 5 or 6. We didn't become wealthy enough to afford this until we deemed we were too old to consider more children. So guess what, we didn't have kids we couldn't afford then act like it was someone else's fault and we had no choice but to have all these children because we happened to fall pregnant.

Take accountability for your own life choices.

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And there we have it. I was wondering why you were being so bitter and so overinvested in defending your opinion - you couldn’t have the number of children you would’ve ‘loved’, so you’re projecting all that onto the OP because in your eyes, she chose to have a baby she couldn’t afford regardless, whereas you’re such a morally superior, strong, independent woman, you didn’t make that choice. Well done you. We’re all very proud.

OP, ignore all these women hating women on here. It isn’t a race to the bottom. Raise the bar higher. The child should receive more money from his incredibly wealthy father. The suggestions of a trust fund in his name are very sensible and entirely reasonable.

tripleginandtonic · 15/08/2025 07:00

OP you would likely get more if you took it to court. Look at Kyle Walker for an example. Is he likely to be playing for some years yet, or near to retirement?

Pinky1256 · 15/08/2025 03:11

I don't know why you're getting so much hate.

Although You're getting more money that most people get for CMS, I think that the fact that he makes that much money and he rarely sees his son, he should try to be more fair to him, to give him a similar quality of life to his other children. That could be setting a trust fund for when he's older, paying private education, etc. He's already at disadvantage compared to his other children.

I would discuss it with a lawyer and act depending on my chances of success.

MarvellousMonsters · 15/08/2025 00:03

YourSnugGreyPanda · 14/08/2025 23:48

I’m not sure why he should buy the OP a house. Can you explain further?

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Because he left her with a baby to care for single handed, he earns over £700,000 a year and can afford it. @Pashpash24 is raising his child, whilst he and his new wife & family are living in luxury. It’s incredibly difficult to work/earn enough to live on when you are a lone parent with no family/practical support, so to compensate her, and provide for his child he should buy a two bedroom house for them to live in, so she at least hasn’t got to worry about paying rent, meaning she can focus on making sure their son healthy, happy and well cared for.

cosmos1001 · 14/08/2025 23:56

Just wanted to come on here to tell you, that you don’t deserve some of the slandering and unkind comments you've received on here. Youre well in your right to look into this - Life's expensive, and it takes two people to make a child last time i checked.

YourSnugGreyPanda · 14/08/2025 23:48

MarvellousMonsters · 14/08/2025 23:25

Your situation has played on my mind all day @Pashpash24, and I’m just appalled that a man earning that much hasn’t just bought a house for you and his son to live in so you don’t have to pay rent. He could easily afford it. It’s disgusting that all he’s paying is the govt mandated minimum. The bar is set so low.

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I’m not sure why he should buy the OP a house. Can you explain further?

MarvellousMonsters · 14/08/2025 23:25

Pashpash24 · 13/08/2025 20:53

Maintenance goes towards the roof I put over my son’s head, the bills, the clothes on his back all that. My rent alone is £950 a month. This is the point I was trying to make to somebody earlier. When my son was born, my rent was £550 a month. It’s almost doubled. No I’m not absolutely in my arse skint every month but truthfully there are months that are difficult and I completely get that a lot of the UK are in the same boat. I’m super lucky to get what I get of course I am. But when I have a son who’s dad is still doing the absolute bare minimum three years in I find it really frustrating.

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Your situation has played on my mind all day @Pashpash24, and I’m just appalled that a man earning that much hasn’t just bought a house for you and his son to live in so you don’t have to pay rent. He could easily afford it. It’s disgusting that all he’s paying is the govt mandated minimum. The bar is set so low.

Frolie · 14/08/2025 23:10

I think you need to instruct a good solicitor who is experienced in higher net worth individuals. £720k per annum is a huge salary and that is without pension contributions. He could be earning another £1M per annum and putting that into his pension. Any decent father would surely be wanting his child to be having the best possible child hood and should be funding this according to his financial needs. IE £1200 pcm is literally nothing. It is less than nursery fees
for A month (to put it into context of a HNWI)

good luck x