What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

You're not unreasonable, you were very clear from the start. It doesn't matter how many people on a thread would personally be up for it.

What a great opportunity to learn a new language and culture. I’ve done it twice and never regretted it and I’m now multilingual, too.

I don’t understand why OP is getting such a hard time when she's always been upfront.

Is it because it's Scandinavia, so beloved of MNers?

Really, it wouldn't be a great idea to marry someone you thought so little of.

I couldn't do it. I'd spend the whole time on pins wondering what was coming when the year ended.

Oh just one more year...

Oh but we're settled here now... (he means he's settled)

Look at what we've got here now...

etc.

There have been a few threads on here from women who've found themselves in exactly that situation. The DH/DP never had any intention of going back, only said they would to get the OP to agree in the first place.

But if by any chance you do say you'll go OP - double up on your contraception*. As PPs have said, don't have children with him while you're there or you're stuck.

*And don't rely on him using a condom.

That's so tricky and I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. it's quite normal that he's decided he'd like to live in his country again, but he should understand your reasonable arguments against it.

It may be that you are not compatible ultimately but up to you if you are able to compromise and agree to live there for a year as a fixed period and definitely do not have children at this time. I'm not sure how this would work though - it's not long enough to settle in completely and you clearly don't like the place.

I lived abroad in my 20s including studying in Bergen, but it was always on my terms, so it's very different to follow a partner especially to their home city.

What about his friends and his family and his life in Norway? Do you think he misses any of that, or isn’t he allowed to? Do you think that he might sometimes feel like an outsider, but you expect him to put up with all of that for life, with no discussion on your part? I know who I think is being unreasonable here.

You haven't mentioned your fiance at all here. It's all you. You seem to want to call all the shots, perhaps you're not as compatible as you thought. People change and while he may have been happy when you first mentioned never moving over there, he may have changed his mind.

You need to try to learn the language again. Anyone can learn if they keep at it.

He hasn’t changed the goalposts. He’s grown up and changed his mind and has realised the value of being closer to his own family. That’s a completely normal thing to happen to those who live abroad in their 20s. You aren’t compatible anymore, it’s no one’s fault.

Yanbu. But he is also not being unreasonable to ask, his feeling have changed about where je wants to live. I would also think there is a reasonable chance he would want to stay after the year and as you definitely dont want that i wouldnt go. He may decide to stay, or it may mean you are incompatible, i dont think it is an ultimatum or manipulative just sad as it is not something either of you can compromise on.

I mean Norway is a civilised country, better than the UK currently is, but that's not the point.

This is very plausible and I'd worry about this too, especially after having children. You might end up being stuck there after the initial commitment.

Could you compromise and consider Bergen instead of Oslo? I thought Oslo was awful, but Bergen reminds me a lot of Seattle.

No you are not. You were clear from the beginning. Yes, it’s unfair on him but he made the choice to stay with you . You shouldn’t have to do anything you do not want to. Neither should he , so that’s his choice to make but he clearly thought you weren’t serious but that’s on him not you .

If you don’t want to go to Oslo with him I will. Great place, beautiful country, civilised society.

When do you plan to marry? Because I would not be doing that unless he was happy with you never living in his home country. You made it clear from the start that it's not something you'd consider. If that's a deal breaker for him fair enough, but now is the time for him to decide that. He can either make peace with never living in his home country again, even for a year, or he can end the engagement.

Tell him you have been clear from the start and he needs to think about if it's a deal breaker or not for him. 6 years in and engaged is a bit late to the show to be trying to manipulate you into changing your mind.

And yes, you're right to be hesitant in case he refuses to move back. So many women end up stuck in a country with zero support network and an ex that refuses to let them move back home with their children. Don't even consider it.

There have been many women who shared on the living overseas topic about living in a country they did not love, finding themselves trapped with partners who refuse to move back, unable to fully exploit their own careers, unable to make deep connections, unable to move back, being further trapped by having children.. I am a trailing spouse... I know some of these women.

There are a few options she could explore- seeing whether going remote would be possible and perhaps coming back to the UK for monthly meetings, taking a year long career break, etc.

If she doesn't want to make that sacrifice then she shouldn't but if you start a marriage by saying you won't make sacrifices for the other person you might as well prepare the divorce papers at the same time.

My husband and I lived in an area we couldn't afford and I didn't love for years because he needed to be close to his daughter. When she was old enough, he moved away from the place he'd known his whole life so that I could be close to my family and we could afford a better life. But we live in the countryside when deep down I'm a city girl, because he wouldn't have been happy in the city.

That's how it works. On the one hand, marriage is never getting exactly what you want, but on the other hand, it's always having everything you want, because all we really need to be happy is each other and our kids.

You don't like his home country, you don't speak the language and you don't sound like you like his family very much. It sounds from your posts that you're just not compatible. There has to be some interest there... I'm married to a German and I wouldn't be happy if he was so dismissive of my language, culture, family.
But yeah at the same time, you were clear from the begining so he probably shouldn't have continued the relationship.

Yes, I agree that would make sense if OP's going to go at all - apart frrom anything else if it doesn't work out it would save the angst of a divorce

@Pladi

I can only tell you when I met by DH ( 35 years now ) I said, Im not marrying, Im not having children, and Im never moving to NI ( where he was from - Im a Londoner, we met in London )

We dont have children :)

Oh, absolutely. I was more trying to make the point that from the boyfriend's perspective it's will be a no-brainer where he will want to bring up kids if those two are his options. I also lived abroad for a couple of decades in countries that weren't as "good" as my home country but my exh refused to live in my country. In the end the resentment of having to compromise of mine and our children's quality of life got too bad that I left him and moved back home. I think this is where this relationship will end up too if OP take such a hard stance against it when on paper, it makes more sense to raise a family in Norway.

It will be hard for him to be generous enough to compromise on his future children's quality of life just so that OP can live near her sister and friends when he is being denied the opportunity to do the same. Sorry, I feel like I'm rambling here.

I was with you till you laid out plan to live in London then move to 'the burbs'. I'd far rather Oslo. Did he agree to move to the suburbs?

This is a very good point. And an important one when considering marrying into another culture. Even if they seem similar, they're not necessarily. I say that as a Danish person with friends in Norway.

Is she meant to just leave a job if she likes it and go through finding something, if she can?

It’s not easy and she shouldn’t do it unless she actually wants to.