What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

She's not doing it. That's not, in any way, the discussion. She simply asked if she was being unreasonable for doing exactly what she said she would always do and which he agreed to. And the answer is no, she is not being unreasonable.

And he is allowed to change his mind and move, that is not unreasonable. But what is unreasonable is him faking confusion and telling her she is unreasonable for making the exact choice she promised to make and has never wavered on.

He probably wants to do it after marriage because you could get a spouse visa. Otherwise you'd probably need a work visa with a job and sponsor to stay for a year which I'd probably more problematic.

If you don't want to do it then don't, just say goodbye now.

Don't move a bloody inch OP. I say that as someone who married a foreigner, and I would say it to any woman in this position. If you have kids you will most likely pick up more childcare and domestic work than your partner- that's what happens to most people - and your career will stand or fall based on whether the job market is a good one for you and whether you have support and emergency childcare on hand. That is enough of a burden to take on - he can take the burden of living in a foreign country, since one of you has to. I also agree it's nothing like going to Seattle. Learning a language to the point where you can use it in everyday life is a huge committmrnt - fine if you were looking for an all consuming hobby for the next 5 years, but otherwise no. (And none of these buggers like your fiance or my husband actually had to do that, as they learned English in school already.)

Someone once told me that the longer he was away (from home), the stronger the elastic band was that drew him back.

I wasn't thinking it had anything to do with being a foreigner. It has more to do with the difficulty of turning your back on your roots, whomever or wherever that might entail.

It's not me double posting, there's something up with the site.

Lecturing a woman for not wanting to move countries to appease, please and keep a man when she has made it abundantly clear for six years that she would never move countries is indeed being a pickme. Endlessly wittering on about how great the country is in an attempt to over ride the woman's crystal clear choice to stay where she always said she will stay is being a pickme.

She didn't ask, at any point, if she SHOULD move. She stated she will not be moving. That's not the discussion. Trying to persuade her to make it a discussion to appease, please and keep a man is indeed being a pickme.

The only discussion is is she unreasonable to stick with what they have already discussed repeatedly and she made clear six years ago? The unequivocal answer is no, she is not unreasonable at all.

However, as I have repeatedly said, he is not unreasonable to change his mind but he is certainly unreasonable to feign confusion and pretend he thinks she is unreasonable.

She's not moving. He may well chose to. Neither stance is unreasonable. And never the twain shall meet.

Lecturing a woman for not wanting to move countries to appease, please and keep a man when she has made it abundantly clear for six years that she would never move countries is indeed being a pickme. Endlessly wittering on about how great the country is in an attempt to over ride the woman's crystal clear choice to stay where she always said she will stay is being a pickme.

She didn't ask, at any point, if she SHOULD move. She stated she will not be moving. That's not the discussion. Trying to persuade her to make it a discussion to appease, please and keep a man is indeed being a pickme.

The only discussion is is she unreasonable to stick with what they have already discussed repeatedly and she made clear six years ago? The unequivocal answer is no, she is not unreasonable at all.

However, as I have repeatedly said, he is not unreasonable to change his mind but he is certainly unreasonable to feign confusion and pretend he thinks she is unreasonable.

She's not moving. He may well chose to. Neither stance is unreasonable. And never the twain shall meet.

Saying that in order for a marriage to work both sides need to make sacrifices for the happiness of the other is not being a pickme.

Yes, I think it's a pity the OP even told anyone it was Oslo. I do honestly worry about the comprehension skills and ability for rational thought of many people having spent some time on mumsnet, it seems they cannot get past their own feelings that they would personally luuurve Oslo. She'd have been better saying "I am not going to mention his home country and it's not relevant to the question so don't ask".

Saying that, there would still have been pickmes telling her she should just stand by her man and uproot her entire life and do what he wants, despite having been absolutely upfront with him from the start.

I also keep focusing on the fact that he's pretending to be "confused" and pretending he thinks she is unreasonable for sticking to the decision they made 6 years ago. This is coercive behaviour and quite unpleasant, and while I can understand him getting homesick and changing his mind, I don't like that he resorts to these sorts of tactics to try to get his way.

Sadly, I think the relationship is over.

I see why you are annoyed as he has changed things. The reality is people change their minds or develop stronger feelings about things, if you changed how you feel about having children or where you wanted to live you'd expect him to hear you out. If it was him posting saying I want to spend my life with her but don't think I can accept never returning home, I'd probably say he needs to follow his heart and be honest with you about what he wants. It sounds like that's what he is doing. He has to ensure his own happiness long term.

Completely agree with this! It’s very out of order that he’s changed the goalposts when you’ve been clear from the outset.

Unfortunately in this situation, there really isn’t a compromise, so likely you’ll need to break up.

Hmm. No. While it is true that the teacher was irreponsible to say this, it is not true that everyone has a brain for languages. I am excellent at languages, have strengths in artistic and creative areas and work well with people with challenges and mental health struggles - but I am poor at higher maths and mechanical issues, and I could get lost in my own street. You could teach me any way you want to and there are some things I cannot learn, and could not learn even as a child.

Not everyone is good at everything and some people struggle deeply to learn second languages, or simply cannot manage it at all.

But yes, teachers needs to be keeping that sort of comment to themselves.

Indeed, and to be fair I don't see where she said otherwise. She would certainly be unreasonable if she expects him to stay in a relationship where he is deeply unhappy for any reason, but I don't think she implied that.

The double post was not me, seems to be mumsnet playing up.

Then the relationship is most likely over. That's her choice to make.

So, the question is - is the OP unreasonable for sticking to what they agreed to and she has always made crystal clear - and the only answer of course is No. Not at all unreasonable.

He's also not unreasonable to have changed his mind. But he IS unreasonable to pretend he's suddenly confused and to pretend he thinks she is being unreasonable when she is sticking to what they agreed to from the very start.

She's not moving, and if that means they split up, such is life. But in answer to the only question OP asked, once again for the hard of hearing at the back, no of course she is not being unreasonable to stick to exactly what she discussed from the beginning of their relationship.

Your feelings about specific countries are beyond irrelevant.

She had the honest conversation 6 years ago and several times since. She's not moving.

You're not curious, you're just desperate to win. OP is not moving, so that's that.

This is painful. It doesn't matter a bugger what you think of any country. She's not moving.

Oh the quote got deleted, it was about learning languages

Just on this point... that's why some people should NEVER be teachers. Imagine telling a CHILD that they don't have a brain for languages, they internalise that and carry it with them all the way to adulthood - what a way to inspire the next generation! This is the kind of fixed mindset shit that really grinds my gears!

Very off topic, but could I encourage you to find a language/ culture you're interested in and give 'languages' another go (duo linguo/italki/ youtube/a class?)?? I know 5 or 6 and German is one in particular that I've never really got on with.. it's notoriously difficult (I always found it even more difficult than Mandarin!)

Everyone has a brain for languages (SEND potentially etc aside), it's all about the time you're able to put in/ the way you're taught/ practise etc.

Sorry for the tangent... but with your fiancé,I understand your concerns, he may never want to move back. Sounds like it might be a stand off and a deal breaker. Sorry to hear it.

Well I'm Scottish and I never expected my English husband to live in Scotland for a year to understand my culture.

I think that's ridiculous. Being Scottish is only part of who I am for starters.

We go to Scotland about four times a year. I think he gets it.

@steppemumthis is my take, especially if when starting as a couple the op didn’t pretend she’d join him. I know many married couples from different countries and know it can get problematic. The op should only move if she’s keen.

It’s not compulsory and the op was upfront.

I agree it's not compulsory
OP is perfectly entitled to say this is not for her.
I would not for a minute blame her for saying this is not for me.

But actually when you say - it's not compulsory, I am curious. Do you mean that if you marry someone from another culture you don't have to bother getting to know their culture? Or do you mean that this OP doesn't have to do it.
Because if you mean the first, I couldn't disagree more.

It’s not compulsory and the op was upfront.