What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

My mother failed English at school but has lived and worked here for over 60 years. Speaking a language when you are immersed in it is totally different to spending 2 hours a week learning how to conjugate verbs.

I’m surprised at many of the responses here, OP. You made it clear, right from the start, that you never wanted to live in Norway. If the question related to children and you’d made it clear from the off that you never wanted them, I think the answers here would be more supportive!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of your fiancé to ask you again to live there, but I don’t think he can get all huffy because you haven’t changed your mind. Behaviour like that, or issuing ultimatums, would have me rethinking marriage, tbh.

Yanbu OP. To the people saying you should compromise- no you bloody well shouldn't, you made it explicitly clear when you got together that this was a hard boundary, and he didn't need to stay with you if this was important to him.

I'm a bit skeptical about why he wants this - why does he want to do this 'for the experience' when

• he grew up here and moved away ie has already experienced it
• you've already done a month and didn't enjoy it
• he had 6 years to raise this as something he wanted

I'd be slightly worried that he has realised that this is it, if you get married and have kids then they won't be close to his family, and he wants to try and remedy that...permanently

It only applies to women. Obviously. 🙄 We’re childish teenagers who won’t compromise but men who want to live in their home country have a connection and have every right…

I think YANBU purely because you’ve made it extremely clear from the start. However I think it would be a good opportunity, Norway has a much better quality of life than the U.K. imo and I’d try it out in a heartbeat if I could.

I’d be a bit concerned that you don’t communicate with each other/ it’s not clear what is a request vs what is an ultimatum. In your updates you seem v focused on what YOU have, your twin, your friends etc - what does he have? Are you (both) thinking as a we and not a me?

fwiw - Oslo is a short flight and budget airlines are available. Our friends there seem to have a v agreeable quality of life, long summer off, etc. Why are you so averse to even considering it?

Yes neither are to blame really, it’s just how they each feel.

YANBU, I wouldn’t entertain this at all either. I’m far too close to my family to leave. He should have taken you at your word!

"if you love him and want to marry him you would do both wherever in the world."

^ except this doesn't apply to the boyfriend it seems?

To be honest in the current global economy i think norway is probably quite a good place to be.

Its hard. He might have genuinely thought he was ok with not going back there but now be missing it. Its not unreasonable of him to ask if you could consider it.

I do think if you are marrying him you should be trying to learn to speak Norwegian. How will you speak to his family, nieces and nephews etc who might be cousins to your own children?

A big part of making marriage work is about communication and compromising OP.
Honestly your posts read quite like a teenager saying but I don't want to. No looking into it no examination of options etc.
If your unable to even discuss it properly and examine options for it then marriage isn't for you and neither one of you will be happy.

I'm also rubbish at languages but it takes being absorbed into it to really learn.

Depends how much you love him. My cousin had an Australian wife and she said when they first married: Follow your man wherever he goes. Yes, they did go back to Oz and what did she do, He came home one day and she was gone complete with child etc. So, she didn't stick to what she preached. Ask yourself what lies down the road.

IMO, once he gets you over there it will be one excuse after the other not to come back, especially as he has put this forward as an ultimatum.

I think you’re being completely unreasonable and should just marry a Londoner or something.

My husband and I are from different countries - 8 hour flight. You never know what comes at you in life. If you love him and want to marry him, you would do both wherever in the world.

I didn’t want to go the UK, but at a point in our lives my husband needed to be with his family. I know that if I needed or wanted to go home, he wouldn’t say no. And if he did, he’s not the one for me.

It doesn’t matter how great Norway is, the OP said she wouldn’t live there and he’s now trying to edge her into doing so.

If he wants to live in Norway, which is a perfectly reasonable thing for a Norwegian to do, he needs to find a woman who shares that wish. Doesn’t sound like that’s you OP.

And she's said no. Repeatedly. Having made it clear the entire relationship. Unless he's expecting her to change to her mind there's no point in badgering her further or implying he'll be reconsidering the engagement if she doesn't move.

There's also nothing to say the 18 month move to the US was while they were together. It's very different moving on your own as a single person to climb the career ladder vs moving to be closer to a boyfriends family, friends and home town. One is temporary, the other may not feel as temporary when he's moved back.

If it’s a deal breaker for you, then that’s that really. He’s entitled to change his mind, we all are. But if it’s a deal breaker for him too, you’re at an impass

this, which is why i said don't waste any more time

I would say that UK has also changed a lot in the last 6 years, and not for the better. Quality of life is so much better in Norway, and if I had the choice of bringing up my kids in Norway or London/London suburb today I know I wouldn't be able to choose London even though I lived there when my kids were small 10-15 years ago and loved it.

Unfortunately goal posts do move, it's part of being in a long term relationship. He's not unreasonable to ask and you're not unreasonable to say no. You're obviously not compatible.

Unless you want a marriage where he uses this to club you over the head with his wanting to move and you refusing, along with him resenting you and maybe pulling something untoward down the road, you really need to rethink the relationship.

He has changed. Nothing wrong with that, except his "change" is not going to be what you want. That's fine, but you both need to move on from each other.

These are points that I hadn't considered, and they support my argument in an earlier post: and my suspicion that he is planning ahead in bad faith.

Especially the bit about getting married before the move, instead of after a trial periof.

Gosh, I’d be there in a flash!

I don't think you are unreasonable to not want to move, but I also don't think he's unreasonable for wanting to.(And I think it's ok to have changed his mind on it) At least you both have time to consider if it's really the right thing for you to get married, it might be too big of an issue and make you incompatible but at least you know that before children.

It’s possible he had no intention of ever moving back there six year’s ago, but people change.

I honestly can’t see a way forward if he feels he will want to go back to Norway or starts to feel he would like his children brought up there. I can’t see how you can both be happy in the future as one of you (most likely him) will have to sacrifice something pretty significant.