What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

I can’t believe you were happy to go to Seattle( with all its drug and crime problems) but not to Norway for a year! I know where id rather be and its not London or Seattle.

Fiances friends and family are nice but I find the majority to be a bit blunt and judgmental. We never can get pass superficial topics of conversation

It’s a bit unfair to judge all Norwegians by his friends and family.

One of my closest friends (for 20+ years) is Norwegian, and after many years of living overseas (England, Scotland, Canada, Spain) now lives back in Oslo (with his English wife and their children) and he’s never once been blunt or judgemental. I can talk to him about anything and everything. When my Mum died, he was the first person I turned to (I even stayed with him for a few days so he could ‘look after me’).

He has a close group of 7 friends who I know well (and all their partners/wives) and they always make me feel incredibly welcome. Same with his family. We have some pretty deep conversations (and a lot of laughs). My ex (another one of the 7) and his family are the same. My ex (who I met when we both lived in France) was always adamant that he’d want to return to Norway one day to settle down. The irony of that being that he’s actually settled down in Switzerland. While the majority of his friendship group have settled back in Norway 😂.

I never feel like an outsider in Oslo. But I’m tall and blonde so everyone assumes I’m Norwegian anyway. I speak and read limited Norwegian but even when I’m alone there, I rarely need it. I just use it in the supermarket or in bars / restaurants etc. People are so proud of their heritage that speaking a few words and showing an appreciation of their culture and history is always well received.

But if you don’t want to move there even for 6-12 months, I think you need to consider if you should end things with him. I don’t think it’s fair on him otherwise. And let’s not even get into what would happen if you have children together.

If her fiance was Texan they would still be facing the same problem though.

It is moving the goal posts but it’s sad if he can never live in his home country again. Honestly I think he needs to go home and meet a beautiful Norwegian woman and marry her instead.

I think you should turn that back on him. Say that he is being unreasonable to change what you had already agreed on and that you are seriously considering your options.

I find London scary now (maybe because I’ve rarely been in the last twenty years).

I’ve not been to Norway so I can’t say if I’d like it but the problem is when you have children with someone from another country there’s a big geographical stress if you divorce and one of you wants to return to their home country.

Would he be feeling the same about his family and friends. This is not a dig in any way. You’ve both met, got engaged and then the conversation really begins. We’ve all been there. My husband and I had similar about family christmases and getting a dog because looking at that it didn’t matter, but it was pretty heated and I looked back at it now and I demanded more than him than the other way around. It didn’t last though and by end of it I saw that I was pretty wow!

Now, that’s not to belittle your issue in any way at all. It’s just to relate to the nuts and bolts conversation that should come up before you get married. The pressure goes on when you are looking at officially life together rather than a partnership that is ‘easier’ to get out of.

I said in my previous comment, could be be feeling worried that he’ll never live there near family again. If the tables were turned, and with what you’ve described, how would you be thinking? Have a constructive conversation, one which patiently bares all. Promise each other it’s a safe space before you start and keep it calm with no ideas off the table, but always a compromise. You never know, the compromise you get to could be better than you thought 🙂

I agree it’s difficult but it is possible to move with children. These are familiar countries to both parties. Our daughter was born in Australia and we came home.

We being the crucial word here. If a couple splits up, one parent cannot remove the children from their country of residence without the other parent's consent.

I'm married to a European, and I've lived in Norway. I think it's really important for your marriage that you meet your dh half way culturally. This means learning his language and being able to immerse yourself in the culture he grew up in. He'll find the accommodation just too much one day if you don't. I really don't much like my dh's country at all but I've lived there for two stints of 5 years and 2 years, speak to his family in their language, fit in with his friends. You sound too rigid to be happily married to a non-UK person.

You’re hardly being asked to live in an Amazonian jungle. Oslo is a great city and it would show that you have an interest in his culture. If I were him this would be a dealbreaker, which I guess is what he’s saying. But equally you’re entitled to feel how you feel but there will be resentment so you should either attend counselling together or end the relationship.

Think you've quoted the wrong post!

Are you summing up your own experience?

One person's experience says nothing about a country. Your cousin's wife may simply not have been good at dealing with people.

As you managed to learn English, clearly you do have a brain for languages. Virtually everyone does. What you obviously didn't take to was learning languages the way they are taught in UK schools, but frankly few people do. There are much better ways of learning a language, and immersing yourself in it is the best way. Why not try it? You would not then feel like an outsider when with your fiancé's family, irrespective of whether you stay long term in Oslo or not.

I agree it’s difficult but it is possible to move with children. These are familiar countries to both parties. Our daughter was born in Australia and we came home. Norway is way more accessible when making here and there familiar to kids

Oh come off it. He wants to get OP to Norway, so that she will agree to stay there.

What he wants IS a compromise. I'm sure he'd like to live in his country for longer than a year but that's all he's asked for.

Its really not. He wants to live there for a year. Op would not be compromising if she gave in to his childish demand she'd literally be doing what he wants in full. Which is not a compromise.

But people change. 6 years ago he might still have been fresh about his life in London, excited to have met you and dreaming of a life that probably hasnt transpired to be all he thought it would be. London is expensive to live, housing is extortionate, you tire of the same bars and restaurants and his family and roots are elsewhere and now he wants to spend some time back home. Which is fair..but definitely do not get married first if you do agree to go with him.
He may well always feel like this and stay now to keep you happy, but what if after 2 kids he decides he wants to go back then.. what happens. If you both arent willing to be flexible then at some point it is likely you will split anyway.

The op is enjoying life though

And do you live there?

I can kind of see how spending a year somewhere might feel like a different proposition to living there with the idea it is permanent.

So why did my cousin's Norwegian wife want to leave Norway, because they both found it too insular and judging? And stuck in its ways?

Yes thanks. Did a phd there. It’s an excellent place to live. So much more egalitarian than the UK. The standard of living is much better so everyone is more up beat. People enjoy life.

A family friend is a lawyer specialising in international divorces and custody disputes. Another friend is going through hell with a custody dispute with her Scandinavian ex-husband - their courts particularly value keeping children with the Scandinavian parent, and make it very difficult for foreign parents.

He's already been manipulative and moved the goalposts. You are worried he might not want to move back. These are legitimate worries. You have been clear from the beginning. I wouldn't go.