What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

Exactly. You can’t actually justify why he’s compromising by doing exactly, to the letter, what he wants. It’s not what “compromise” means.

Even Saudi Arabia or Texas I would not see the reluctance to go for a year.

I do and don’t think you are unreasonable.

You were very honest from day one that you never wanted to live in Norway and he was aware of that. So it is unfair of him to almost change the goal posts in a way.

However what I think is unreasonable is never expecting any evolution or change in the way people feel about things and also being utterly inflexible about how a relationship evolves over the years. he probably never imagined he would have any desire to live in Norway so he was happy to agree to what you had said at the start but life changes. Our feelings change and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want to try and live in Norway for one year and to have you experience that.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Nope that’s not remotely my argument! But I suggest we leave it at that as either I’m not being very clear, or you are having problems understanding what I (and others) are saying. Either way it’s become unproductive.

By that logic, OP is “compromising” just as much by “giving up” her option to live in Norway or Sweden or Seattle or Rome…

Yet again, your argument is “if they both want something, he’s sacrificing and she isn’t so if he later wants something different, he gets his way” 🙄🙄

Of course he’s compromising. Marrying her on her current terms means giving up the prospect of ever living in his own country ever again.

Living in England through choice now is different from living there forever, without the ability to return home even for a year or two.

I’m not sure why this is so hard to understand? 🤷🏻‍♀️

He’s not unreasonable to be having second thoughts about spending time in Norway. She’s not unreasonable to say I always said I would never leave the UK and I really can’t change my mind on this, I think we’ve underestimated what this might mean for us so we need to talk very seriously about whether our relationship has a future.

There aren’t any victims here (no one said there was so not sure where you’re getting that from?) just the complicated reality of choosing to be with someone from another country, and some people are sharing their personal perspective on why it’s nuanced/difficult and not black and white.

I read somewhere that different people have different relationships to place - for some it is everything, for others it is a minor detail.

I can see that in my family. Some of us are much more attached to where we come from than others - I would say it's a 50/50 split.

You can't just expect people who are attached to a place to give it up, like it's a minor detail.

The OP moved to London so he's clearly not that attached.

I moved from Scotland to London - I'm not that attached either. My brother on the other hand would never leave. It would be unfair for him to meet someone foreign who arrived in his town only for that person to expect him to up sticks and move. No matter how much he liked her he just wouldn't do it.

It is like the 5 languages of love theory. People are different. Some will not move.

I don’t understand giving up a relationship that was supposed to be your life partner over something like this.

if you find you true partner, you want to live life together, and have adventures together. Norway would be a adventure.

How can you have a life partner but put them and the relationship in a box?

The conclusion for me is simply he is not the right man for you.

Friends of mine met and married in England. He’s Irish and always wanted to try living back in Ireland so they did this for a year before the kids started school, and moved back to the UK after one year because wife didn’t like it and husband had worked out it was actually very handy to live in the UK near hands-on grandparents.

If you’re not willing to compromise at all, it suggests you may be mismatched in your values/wishes.

You've mapped out what you want from life, but forgotten to include the thoughts and opinions of your partner. Your partner obviously wants you to actually learn Norwegian and get to know his family and culture; that's a normal thing to want and is not changing any goal-posts. DH and I are extraordinarily similar in most things that we want to do or achieve, but there are still some differences and compromises need to be worked out. Life is long and can get tricky, you need to figure out how to work with someone before you consider getting married or the relationship will fail at the first real hurdles. If living abroad is your only red line, then you need someone else who has the same red line. I would lay bets this isn't your only red line though, and at some point you'll need to try to address this rigidity if you are to have any successful relationship with someone else.

The options are:

1. He wants to live permanently in the UK and have one year and one year only in Norway.
2. He’s lying to OP and wants to live in Norway permanently but is trying to trick her into going to Norway temporarily and then trap her there.
3. OP has lied about the entire premise of the thread.

As you’re absolutely desperate to make him a sweet little victim, pick whichever you like. There are no other options.

How do you know he wants to stay here forever? Clearly not if he's asking for one year back home. You are being deliberately obtuse some reason. Just because you travel to another country and live there for a bit and like it, doesn't mean in your ideal world that you would stay there for the rest of your life.

I imagine he came here for a while, fell in love with OP and when she said she wasn't going to move to Norway, he decided to stay in the UK with her. But in the (6 years) meantime he misses his country and would like a chance to show her his home and be there for a last goodbye (maybe secretly hoping she'll like it enough to stay but willing to sacrifice if not). He's asked for a year so i think it's safe to say he misses Norway and is sacrificing his desires in order to stay with OP in the UK for the long term. If that's not a compromise, I don't know what is.

the thing is, you could spend a year out there and then your dh doesn’t want to come back and you’ve wasted another year with him when you aren’t compatible

Neither of you bu, you just want different things

I doubt she's coming back so this is all hot air.

My view is she has her life mapped out and he isn't really part of it. It's London then the suburbs, her family and friends then perhaps him. That's fine and you can't argue with it. She needs to find someone who'll fit in with her plans. She may be better on her own as she'd be stuck if she married someone, moved to the suburbs and found her friends moving elsewhere.

He’s not compromising at all on anything! Why do people keep making that up?

He lived in England through choice. He has wanted to live in England for 100% of the time he has lived in England. He now wants to spend one year in Norway and then return to England. He’s demanding that exact thing happen. What is he compromising on?

Immigrants are not “compromising” by choosing to live in another country when they want to live in that country.

If I lived in England but want to spend 1 week of the year in France on holiday - am I “compromising” by not moving to France? No. Because I don’t want to move to France. He wants one year in Norway (apparently) and is demanding one year in Norway. That is not a compromise.

I agree with this.

I actually think this should have been pushed to OP by her friends/family 6 years ago.

Cross-cultural marriages inherently have more challenges than an equivalent same-culture one. They might still be rewarding, or worth it for love, etc etc but there is just inherently a lot more effort you need to put in, which becomes easier over time but it lasts for your whole life: each new phase presents challenges as you realise the realities of how the other culture prioritises childrearing, or having dual careers, or taking care of the elderly. (My parents have a cross-cultural marriage.)

If you spend time immersed in the other culture early on you will go in with your eyes a bit more open: not just about what the cultural differences are (this is almost trivial, you can google it), but about how you yourself will actually feel when confronted with those differences day in and day out, and how you and your partner will react to those challenges.

Thank you for this, I got as far as how lovely the bakeries were in Norway and I wanted to scream it's not the fecking point Sandra.

Posters on this site generally are all for women having clear boundaries, not being coerced by partners, friends and family but fantasies about clean air, good schools , lifestyle vikings and everyone crashes out .

I am one saying compromise (because he's already compromising on his whole life).

It's fine to break up. That's an option but not what OP was asking for.

What's not fine is to say, "I want to marry you but I refuse to spend one year in your country, with your family, learning your language and culture."

My parents married across cultures (married 54 years). I married across cultures (married 22 years). There are lots of compromises needed. You need to get good at it. You probably also need to be quite flexible because of the nature of a marriage like this. One year of your life abroad, without kids, is not that major in a long marriage.

I studied German, French and Italian at uni and spent 6 months working in Switzerland and I cannot speak any of these languages. It's a long time ago now but I never could - I could decode them, written down, which was what you had to do in those days. But I cannot converse in them. I simply can't understand what people are saying.

Imo not everyone can learn languages. I was highly motivated and so upset to find out I just couldnt do it.

What I'm asking is if she would be stuck there if she got pregnant, had the baby there, and dad being a Norwegian citizen.

She doesn't know the language. She feels claustrophobic there. Finding work could be problematic so she would become dependent. But would she be able to move back to the UK if she had a baby there if the father didn't want her to.

Her fiance wouldn't have the same problems in the UK because he speaks the language and has a job.

I personally like the Nordic countries and speak a bit of Danish, so I would have been learning Norsk from the start and would go. But I'm not OP.

Probably the same as if they had a child and moved to the suburbs and he hated living there.

What would happen if you went along with his new demand, moved to Oslo "for a year", still hated it, and got pregnant?

Which I'd why I said she should say goodbye now and end the relationship. Let's face it she has her life planned out and he's not a major part of it. Couple of years more in London then out to the suburbs with her life based on family and friends not him.

I notice lots of replies from presumably women jumping to suggest you compromise. Compromise is what probably needs to happen to anyone once they have children and in IMHO is by women’s lines are so impacted by having children. You have a choice now, before you have any children in the picture, to say you are not compatible.

why go to Norway to try living there if you already know you don’t want to leave your friends and family where you are now. If would change your position from your currently clear and consistent messsge to on the basic of one year you don’t want to stay. Otherwise why bother with a trial if you already know the outcome.

best case, he just transfers to you the problem he now is facing of having a family far away from his own family.

be glad you found out before you married, stick to your guns, you are not compatible.

Totally off topic but that is a really good example of a core belief that was instilled as a result of one (possibly repeated) sentiment that you believed. I wonder how you current dilemma would be different if you'd been told the opposite.