Are we being too strict with toddler routine?

I was like this with my first and with my second I’m so much more easygoing with it and it’s fine. She’s 18 months old and if she naps an hour later, she’s fine, if it’s in the car she’s fine, she’s terrible at sleeping in her pram so sometimes she just cat naps twice instead of a long nap and she’s fine.

You also say you’re the only one who can get your DC to sleep, but that has to change. It’ll be a couple of tough evenings but you need to not get stuck in the habit of doing it every night because your DH doesn’t do it as easily. Your DC will sleep eventually and then you’re off the hook for giving up your evening every evening!

I think it’s just a personal thing. Your way or life wouldn’t be for me, we’ve always been quite laid back and relaxed about schedules and timings and prioritise experiences and enjoyment over sticking to nap times or being strict around food (although I do limit UPF at home but happy with the odd ice cream, cake, sweets and treats when out or at friends’ houses). I like doing social things, so that’s always been important. DH has put both of our DC to bed from very early, because it’s important to us that both parents can do bedtimes. Even when breastfeeding, DH could still put DC to bed if I expressed beforehand.

But the only thing that matters is if it works for you, and it doesn’t sound like it does?

The more children you have, the less of a strict routine you have.
Having children is actually supposed to be pleasurable, your routine seems rather restrictive.
They grow up so quickly. Try to chill out a bit.

On the routine front, I don’t think it’s the routine that’s an issue, it’s the fact you’re the only one who can get him to sleep. I’d get that sorted - you don’t want to be chained to bedtime forever. We were fairly strict with our daughters routine as if she was tired her behaviour tanked and it didn’t seem fair for her to end up like that if we could avoid it. On rare occasions we would mess around with it, but not often, and we generally planned life round it for the 12-18 months we needed to. It’s not long in the grand scheme of things.

On the food front, yes I think you are being overly strict for his age. We were similar for the first 18 months or so but I think you have to become more flexible as they get older. What do you do at birthday parties? Stop him having any cake? You’ll soon have lots of those types of events and play dates at someone else’s house where they choose the food, you have to relinquish control. I’m of the mind it’s better to avoid a stance where such things are ‘treats’ and rather allow appropriate consumption of them as part of regular life, so they can learn to self-moderate their diet and not learn to associate food as a treat or reward.

Children generally thrive on routines. Personally I would be similar to you wrt sleep but slightly more relaxed wrt food.

It has to suit everyone-and the routine you have now doesn’t seem to suit you! We actually didn’t have a routine at all with ours and that worked for us. But I know that is some people’s nightmare.

Second and subsequent children can almost never have this same level of routine and don't habitually turn out less healthy than first born children, which indicates all the rigidity isn't necessary unless you actually like it. My second born ate chocolate etc far earlier than my first as they were around it more (eg accompanying sibling to parties) but is a better eater in general now than my elder one.

I think yes it is too strict a routine if you’re missing out on social activities in the afternoon and can basically never have an evening out, and it does read as though you’d actually quite like to do those things occasionally.

The food sounds fine. Soon he’ll get to the age where he becomes more aware and starts asking for stuff, particularly once birthday parties start, or you want to bribe him with chocolate buttons for weeing in the potty but until then leave him in blissful ignorance!

I think the fact you’re even asking speaks volumes. Do you feel things are a bit too rigid?

A couple of things jumped out at me. Why are you the only one who can put your DS to sleep? That’s not sustainable longer term and is impacting your ability to socialise in the evening.

I also think you are being quite strict with his midday nap and food. Has he never had an ice cream or a birthday cake?

I’d say that organising your time like that is fairly rigid but nothing terribly unusual. Don’t worry for a few mins though!
Re foods - yes obviously focus on healthier foods, you’re establishing good habits. He needs to learn variety to o & that should include exposure to a few “treat” foods, such as baked-not-fried crisps or dried fruit “sweets” or lower sugar chocolates, etc. ( Careful that you don’t accidentally drum in to him as he ages that he eats healthily with his parents & then junk elsewhere!)

I don't think there is a right answer on this. Clearly your child is not disadvantaged by the routine so it's only an issue if it's an issue for you and your DP. Do YOU want to be more flexible with your routine? If not, it's fine, if yes then you need to speak to your DP about doing more / being less tied to the routine.

FWIW we are conscious of nap times etc but we typically work our days so our toddler is either in the car or his pram around the right time. Likewise, we'd go out in the evening if we could either get him to sleep in his pram or the car at about the right time. We wouldn't keep him up super late (but mainly because he'd be unbearable)