Are we being too strict with toddler routine?

The food thing is fine but no way would I allow my life to be dictated by naps.

Completely agree with you re naps and routine. Children thrive off routine. However I would relax a little bit with the food, everything is fine in moderation. I knew someone once who was like this as a parent and when the child got to school age and started being invited to parties it was like she couldn’t cope with the amount of food she wasn’t allowed was in offer and used to spend the whole party eating 🤣

Be careful about being too rigud, i know he's only young but it's ok to relax occasionally.

My dc had a friend whose parents strictly controlled their diet, routine and general lifestyle. The child rebelled at every given opportunity from eating junk at parties, to binge drinking as a teen to hanging out with dodgy people.

I've had next to no evening social life as I'm the only one who can get him to sleep which has meant really I only have an evening with friends/family on a rare occasion we've gone to stay with people or vice versa.

That’s your main problem. Your partner needs to step up and do bedtimes. Your child is a toddler not a baby, time to head out one or two evenings a week and just let your partner get on with bedtime.

My eldest is almost 3, and honestly my opinion on stuff like this is you should do what is best for your family. Neither of mine have ever slept well, including naps, so my only rule is we don’t do things that lead to us leaving somewhere in the car after like 3pm as they’ll fall asleep then bedtime is a nightmare. They’ve both had chocolate and cake, but they don’t eat a lot of shite, just some treats.

I know people who’ve been very rigid, and people who are very relaxed, their kids are all fine. Do what works for you.

My eldest is almost 3, and honestly my opinion on stuff like this is you should do what is best for your family. Neither of mine have ever slept well, including naps, so my only rule is we don’t do things that lead to us leaving somewhere in the car after like 3pm as they’ll fall asleep then bedtime is a nightmare. They’ve both had chocolate and cake, but they don’t eat a lot of shite, just some treats.

I know people who’ve been very rigid, and people who are very relaxed, their kids are all fine. Do what works for you.

No advice at all, but I LOVE that you call them Teacakes! West Yorkshire ❤️❤️❤️❤️

but if you didn’t- it would have been the same. Luck you had kids that sleep 12 hours, or you just didn’t wake up and are a deep sleeper.

And allergies it seems

Yikes. What a dull life. Why is a 2 year old still requiring this level of nap? If you had another child this wouldn’t be possible. Routine is good but actually children need to fit into your life

I couldn't lead such a rigid life and I wouldn't want to restrict DD to one either.

FWIW everyone I know who was restricted from various foods growing up is now obese and has a very unhealthy relationship with food.

I had a similar routine to you with my first and am much more relaxed with my second.

I honestly haven't noticed any difference in behaviour between the two (both have had the same number of sleep regressions so far and acted similarly at bedtime etc.).

I don't think there's a right answer, just what works best for your family. I do feel much more relaxed now I'm not sticking to a rigid schedule or missing out on socialising as much though.

I was very routinely when my DC were young which was great in many ways (all 3DC slept 12 hours at 12 weeks and went to sleep on their own with no drama etc). The downside was I really had to stick to the routine or the DC would get upset/over tired/possibly not eat so life for a number of years was quite rigid. However all in all I would do it the same way again, I did enjoy the evenings, regular nap times and regular going out times.

Do whatever works for you and makes your life happier and easier most of the time!

Mine (4, 2 and 4m) have always had a consistent but kind of flexible routine. Bedtime is at the same time every night and requires one of us to be there - eldest would have a bottle of pumped milk at bedtime so I could have a break and go out if I wanted, but I haven’t bothered with that for siblings as realised that I hated pumping and was prepared to sacrifice the occasional evening out until my babies are one-ish (when the big two have weaned). I am a bit more flexible with naps and happy to do these on the go - which has been necessary with the baby but also worked well for me as I like to be out and about.

I’m actually with you on food. I find it very hard to accept them eating unhealthy stuff. My eldest didn’t have cake until two, and I managed to avoid real ice cream until this summer. I actually had to make a conscious effort after he turned two to try and allow a bit of “treat” food (I don’t call it this) now and again, as I know it could be harmful for anything to be seen as bad or restricted. So we might share a croissant or something if we go out. Typically, the middle one got to try these things a bit earlier. There’s still no way I’d allow them to eat sweets though - I know they will try them in time, but don’t see any reason to feed them to a pre-schooler.

SIL is much stricter than me with routine and food. Many people are more relaxed. All of our kids seem fine!

I loved a routine and being able to chill out during a pretty much guaranteed two hour nap was blissful. So where is was in my control we planned around it - classes etc I’d only book ones that worked for me. If I was making plans with others would suggest my preferred times.

But I wouldn’t miss out on other things I wanted to do if invited and it didn’t quite ‘work’. Short car naps, late bedtimes etc on occasions are fine and needed!

A routine is a absolutely fine if it works for you.

Personally, I love a routine and enjoy the two hours of peace when the baby is reliably sleeping more than I would enjoy being able to go out for lunch in that exact window. I can see people before and after. It's really not a huge problem. If there is something that absolutely cannot be moved then one of you going and the other staying works well. Or get a babysitter.

The bedtime thing is ok if he sleeps through after that. If you can put him down and then go out, fine. I wouldn't personally be happy to never go out. If it were me I would prioritise finding a different way to get him to sleep that DH/a babysitter could also do. But again, if you don't mind then it's fine. It's your life, not mine!

The food thing is fine. When he's old enough to know about chocolate and sweets and asks you can give him a little. Absolutely no need to introduce him to it though.

I don’t sign up to the ‘children should fit your life’ mantra at all and neither does DH. We are quite rigid with DD (just turned 2) especially naps and mindful of snacks / food. Nap wise we can wiggle things by 30min either way and try to mirror nursery routines for continuity. We haven’t been out in the evening together since DD arrived no village to support babysitting. Thankfully both DH and I can get DD settled for the night which means we can escape once in a while for a solo outing or catch up with friends.

That period (1.5-2.5) was the one we were the strictest about routine too, our eldest was a very good sleeper but really needed his naps.

Our youngest is much more flexible and doesn't need that much sleep so we don't pay attention to routine as much.

I think of it works for all of you, that's fine. You know it's temporary.
We also used to do some day outs here and there from 2.5 on weekends to test how well he was coping.

At 2 they’re generally not quite as reliant on the nap as when they’re babies so I’d expect that you could flex here and there as needed. If nap time is shorter because it’s in the pram or the car then you put them to bed a bit earlier to compensate. Worth a try anyway, if it’s a disaster you don’t have to do it again until the nap has been dropped which probably won’t be long anyway.

No advice on the feeding to sleep specifically but if bedtime is a normal time couldn’t you still go out afterwards? We’ve typically split bedtimes between us but when they were under 4 and we had a babysitter we always did bedtime then left once they were asleep. Have I missed what stops you doing that either to have a sitter and go out as a couple or even just to go out solo so you can feed, handover to DH then meet friends? If bedtime is v late like 10pm or something then I’d strongly consider dropping the nap.

We always had a strict routine, but would let it slide occasionally for a special occasion/one-off event.
I think if you aren’t doing that, you’re possibly being a little too rigid, but I also think you are right to have a reasonably strict routine as babies and toddlers thrive off that.

My nearly 3 year old hasn't had a nap since turning 2 as otherwise he won't sleep at night. However when he was still napping we were restricted as he wouldn't just nod off in a pram while we were out. I was always really jealous of mums sitting in a cafe having a nice relaxing time while their angelic little child slept in the buggy next to them!

There is no "right thing" regarding the routine, do what works for you. You don't always end up parenting the way you thought you would, and that's fine. If it works, keep going, if you're not happy about things then you can try being more flexible and see how to goes. I think the strict routine comes from having a bad sleeper...when you find a routine that works and helps them sleep better at night you want to stick to it!

Honestly, I find it tedious when friends are slaves to their children’s nap routine and won’t meet for lunch at a sensible time etc. But then I had an easygoing baby who happily slept whenever in his pram, so it was easy to judge.