Are we being too strict with toddler routine?

i would say don’t lose yourself. You need to enjoy life too. Putting your child to bed shouldn’t always fall on you so your DH needs to learn how to do this. If he struggles then he needs to persist. Otherwise this could turn into resentment later.

re food - I was stricter with my first and she’s much worse at self controlling what she eats than my second. I think moderation is best. If you restrict things too much they become more desired.

This is just my thoughts though. Routine & providing a healthy diet for a child is good parenting. It needs to be right for everyone though.

We were similar - DH was stricter than me with the routine. Naps could be a pain sometimes but it was clearly in DCs best interests. We also benefitted from the downtime at home. We pushed through any tricky phases e.g. nap refusing around 2/2.5 and both of ours ended up having a long nap until around their 4th birthday. It was easier with DC2 as by then we were socialising more with people with kids too who were happy to do e.g. a morning slot. It was definitely im their best interests to have that nap and also stick to bedtime.

What was different in our case was I could have an evening out. I fed both mine for a long time (until 3y and 4y) but by about 12m I could feed earlier e.g. 5pm and then go out and by 18m ish I could skip an evening feed completely e.g. go for drinks straight from work. If you are happy enough, leave things as they are. If it's getting too much, you could consider either weaning off that feed to sleep or just leaving your DH sometimes to figure it out without you.

From about 4/5 onwards we obviously had no naps and they could start having the occasional late night without it impacting. We still keep bedtime fairly consistent, just varying it when we have plans.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. I think I am exactly the same as you though- I thought I would be a chilled out mum who didn't worry about a 'routine' and currently plan my life around being home by half 5 to make sure tea is done ready for bedtime at 7 (DD is 2 and a quarter).

I do let it slide for special occasions but generally no way, I need my chill out time in the evenings!! Also still breastfeeding so its mostly me but once a week DH does bedtime. It takes him a lot longer but I have night lessons so it's necessary.

We're less strict with the nap so long as it's in the right ballpark and not too long. We skipped a nap last week as we had visitors and DD was awake for 3 hours in the night 😵‍💫

Am also quite strict with processed sugar and junk food, although she is given cake and stuff at nursery occasionally so now I have relaxed a bit and give her the odd bit of ice cream or peanut butter cookies we bake.

I don't think it will harm your child either way so do what is best for your mental health! Whether thats the evening downtime with LO in bed or time out and about with friends. People will probably judge either way but fuck them 😊

It’s often said you have to parent the child you have.

So I would be looking into whether you’re strict because you’ve found out you need to stick to strict routine for ds or if you’ve set it upon yourselves because it’s a habit you formed.

Id allow some treats every now and again but it’s not vital to his wellbeing (he’s 2!) (or necessary for anyone tbh!) but I’d be aware as he gets older if you’re out with friends and all their kids are having an ice cream and he’s not allowed it can set a bad relationship with food because it’s human nature to crave the hidden fruit so to speak and later in life when he has his own freedom he may not have learned the skills of moderation. Having said that he’s still 2 so it depends how long you plan on not having those foods in his life for.

I don’t think you are or aren’t being unreasonable. But if it’s working for you there’s no need to change it unless you want to.

If he’s 2 the naps will likely come to an end soon anyway. Mine stopped napping at about 2.5 which changes day times dramatically anyway.

The fact that you think it’s wrong even to give a child normal crisps as a treat sometimes (got to be baked not fried!) indicates an overly fussy purist attitude towards food that’s going to struggle when it meets the reality of school, and the child suddenly becomes exposed to actual treats, where “sweets” aren’t dried fruit!

I was very strict with DD1 in regard to her routine as it worked for her and us and I didnt want to ruin a good thing, sleep is important for all. I had DS1 10 months ago and his sleep routine is up and down but I am trying to keep it in place. I am also currently pregnant.
in regards to food I was super strict with DD1 in regard to zero sugar and no junk or treats and I dont feel it has benefited her she is 12. With DS1 I am more relaxed he has had a lick of ice cream on hot days, had a bit of cake at parties etc and it has been fun and nice for him to join in. We brush his teeth every night. My husband often says he can’t believe how different I am in to what food I let DS have, he eats what I make for everyone and has had so many different flavours where as DD1 I gave everything quite plain but healthy.

I think at 2 the nap schedule needs to start loosening up a bit. A nap in the car/pram on the way somewhere is fine. A solid bedtime routine is pretty standard though.

I think that when you've had a bad sleeper you cling for dear life to the things you perceive to be 'working'. However, often it's just a change that comes with age and nothing to do with the schedule! If you have multiple children the death grip on routine that it's possible to have with one DC goes out the window so it's easier to see.

Why can't you go out after bedtime or your DH does bedtime?

We're strict with food at home, but we do allow party food at parties and dessert at social occasions. They've still never had chocolate or sweets though at 2 and 4.

Edit: just seen you BF to sleep. Just see what happens if you're husband does bedtime - so often it is us that gets stuck in our ways, kids adapt quickly!

Have you tried having your husband put your toddler to sleep? I know you've said you still breastfeed to sleep - I was the same at 2 (weaned at 2.5 when I fell pregnant again) so I understand - I also did 99% of bedtimes but on the rare occasion I had a night out organised, I just left DH to it. Bedtime was usually later and once he even put her in the car to get her to sleep but he always managed it in the end! Sometimes with these things, you don't know how it'll pan out until you try!

Can't edit!

I've had next to no evening social life as I'm the only one who can get him to sleep which has meant really I only have an evening with friends/family on a rare occasion we've gone to stay with people or vice versa.

This explains the votes and i agree with others this is a problem! You need to go out for 1hr walks and leave your dh to it at bedtimes for a week then start to alternate

I think do what works for you but this set up youve got wouldn't work for me.

Surprised by the voting!!!!

Our dd didnt just "fall asleep" anywhere she only slept well in her cot
At home she slept 12/1 to 3/4 then did a 7-7 which was a dream.... if she didn't get a decent nap it was madness.

We didn't do afternoon things for about 18m
It was just not worth it and "the system" worked for us. Around 3/3.5 she dropped the nap and we have more flex but its summer and hot so we still tend to do morning outings and hike for 1ish for ds to nap which she chills out

The food you could loosen up a bit on but its not extreme/ massively controlling. We want her to be able to self regulate and heavy restrictions dont achieve that. Equally parents feed their kids a lot of crap

I know how important it is for naps and bedtime routines as I have three children. I have never been one for making sure I’m home for naps. I have ways encouraged mine to sleep at nap time but this can be in the car and I would let him have his nap on our way out somewhere or home etc then would sit in car til he woke, or I would take him for a walk in the buggy and encourage him to nap, wheel him in to the garden and let him sleep (safely obvs). As for evenings, my younger two will only let me put them to bed and they are 3 and 4 and I can tell you it’s exhausting and extremely limiting for me. My OH is useless and won’t even try as he says they cry. Yes, they’ll be upset but will soon get used to it and then it be the new norm. In terms of bedtimes though, I’ve always made sure we are home for the evening routine.

as for the food, there is no right or wrong way to bring up a child. The only thing I would say is that if you don’t allow any treats, they’ll grow up binging on them elsewhere and could develop unhealthy habits. I am very much of the opinion that “everything in moderation” is good. One little treat a day after dinner is fine. A slice of birthday cake or croissant here or there. Also, what’s wrong with a tea cake?
When you have more children, they’ll follow the older one’s routine as all children are different. So unless you want to be stuck in all day for two different children’s routines, I would loosen up a bit. As long as they have their nap, whether it be on the go, or at home, the same sleep is being achieved. Mine loved a nice walk and a nap. I got out, was exercising and we got fresh air.

Good luck x

I did like a routine with my children but yours does seem excessive the fact you can’t go out.

I was really strict with my first and much less so with my second. No way is right ot wrong. You just do what ever is best for your family at that moment in time. It wont be forever.

You will get your life back again I promise. In another year or so when your little one is talking and being more independent you will feel different

Id never miss a nap for either of my children. Its not worth the hassle and truthfully I need thst few hours in a day just for myself whether that be in the cot, car or pram etc

I have 4 kids and it’s been different with each one. Every time I think I know the right way one of my kids throws me a curveball and I have to adapt. It comes down to what works for you and your family and his development. Next year may look very different. If there’s something you’re unhappy with you could talk to your DH and try a new approach. Don’t stress it, stay in your relaxed mindset and keep an open mind. About the food, it may sound overly strict what you’re doing, but modern science supports your attitude. Ultra processed foods are destructive to our health in every way. If you go too far on restriction that can cause issues as well. So yes a little sugar or junk every now and then will teach them how to balance healthy foods vs. treats. Balance is key to almost everything, and that’s true for every person in your family. It sounds like you’re making adjustments but still going out. I would just focus on what works for you and not compare too much.

We found as ours had a routine it was easier to bend it than those that didn't. Our kids coped with a late-night party and were happy, whereas the kids that had no routine were too tired and grumpy to enjoy it.

I had a snooze shade that went on the pushchair that also reclined flat. Both mine would nap in that if needed. Sometimes they slept longer sometimes not but always enough to keep them happy. Routine is great as it gives you freedom to enjoy life. It becomes bad if it doesn't. It should help you plan the needs of your child.

We're the same re sleep and naps. It's a consequence of having a terrible sleeper. We are constantly terrified of the lack of sleep and even an extra hour of good sleep makes a massive difference. The fear of another night being woken every hour is real and we would do anything to avoid that.

Re the food, sounds sensible and in line with NHS advice. Why give a 2 year old cake? Seriously, why?

A lot of my friends were like this. It wouldn’t work for me. My child napped on the go pram / car if we had plans. But we all parent different and if sleep is an issue I can see why routine is key

food wise sounds fine as sugar should be limited but I’d be very wary of vocalising to your child why they aren’t having it. When they start going to parties and seeing other kids eat cake etc. being overly strict with treat foods puts them on a pedestal and can encourage secret eating / binging later on as they associate those foods as being off limits / something to hide. Personally i expose all food groups and encourage the mantra of everything in moderation. For example we don’t give a pudding, we put it all out at the same time on the same plate so nothing is seen as a “treat”

Actually research shoes the contrary. Our adult obesity issues are due to the unhealthy food eaten in the 70s and 80s especially as part of school lunches. You might know one person but reality is unhealthy food habits as kids, snacking etc is the main cause of obesity in adults.

It depends a lot on the kid too. Some really really need a routine, if you change it they are cranky nervous and cry a lot, I read there are more sensitive kids than others. I know of laid back parents who had to really change as one of the kids was very sensitive and would drive them crazy when tired… so really you can try and be more flexible if you want but you really know how much flexibility your kid allows you.

re food, I agree with you. In the uk there is a very unhealthy food culture and it shows on the amount of overweight and obese ppl as adults. It is an epidemic and its getting worst. I see parents giving crisps, chocolate biscuits to kids when they pick term up from nursery instead of a proper balanced dinner. The amount of unhealthy pouches, crisps in the form of carrot sticks, fruity strings that are actually loaded with crap etc is unbelievable. Unfortunately kids will eat unhealthy stuff at kids parties, at friends houses and also at school, where despite huge improvements in the past 10 years, sugary puddings are still offered daily to obese kids, but offering an healthy diet at home will help them to learn what is a current way of living, which will help as adults. Continuous snacking as kids also create food noise and then you have adults that can’t stop eating all day long and no amount of diets can help with that (drugs now can but loads of side effects). Healthy food habit it is part of the education parents need to teach as the impact on health is massive.

There is nothing magical about having a super strict routine for a toddler, in fact there is evidence that being strict and inflexible undercuts the cognitive and emotional regulations associated with sleep and napping routines. So if the routine is working for you, then it's good. But it sounds as though it isn't working for you - at the very least, you want to go out more.

If you want to go out more, then you should. If the issue with you going out is that DH can't get the toddler to sleep, then he needs to work on getting the toddler to sleep. This would be a good idea anyway as it gives you more flexibility and hedges against problems like you being unexpectedly hospitalized or otherwise unavailable. And developing that flexibility will likely significantly help your toddler with developing emotional regulation (one of the big benefits of not-super-strict-routines).

On the food side - I would say it's good to keep their diet healthy for as long as you can, but not by making it narrow. It sounds like you're just avoiding ultra-processed foods and overly sweet things, so that doesn't seem like much of an issue.

It depends entirely on the child and how much you value the social events. Dealing with toddler meltdowns is not fun.

I am not strict at all with the younger one's routine as tbh they have to fit in with whatever the older one is doing. With the older one, we had a rough routine but weren't slaves to it and would never have turned down social events due to naptime, for example.

But a large part of that is based on my children's personalities. They're not great sleepers but being busy and active means they sleep better. Missed naps didn't really affect either of them that much. And they don't get grotty, grumpy and tearful if kept up late - instead they get wired like little duracell bunnies and will just run around in circles until they finally conk out and are scraped off the floor into bed. And the longer you keep them up, the later they'll sleep. That's nothing I've done, that's just their personalities. So for weddings, evening parties, holidays in hot climates etc., it makes sense just to keep them up and let them run themselves into the ground with the rest of the kids there. But I know other children who need to be in bed by 7 otherwise they don't sleep well and it knocks them out the next day.

Do you really have that much difficulty getting him to sleep at night if his midday nap starts at 1pm instead, for instance?

If he's two, it isn't going to be all that long before he needs a shorter nap anyway.

My DC slept great at home and would not do pram naps after about 1 and napped 2 hours every day until 4.5. The behavior consequences of an overtired child were never worth socializing! That said, we did stop them napping at 4.5 because it got too limiting as they were older and we had play dates and swim lessons etc. When they were little, it just meant I could bugger off skiing for a morning and not feel like I was dumping DH (who is happy to chill at home) with a ton of solo parent time because DC slept so much.

We are strict with routines and food. No regrets. DC is 7 now, sleeps great independently and over the last couple years we can be more chill with bedtime. But honestly, staying out late with an over tired preschooler isn’t fun for anyone.

on the food front, we are strict with processed food and sugar but don’t make an issue with DC. We just don’t have it in the house or offer it. As a result when DC has been offered processed food like Cheetos or hot dogs or crisps, they usually say something to the effect of “this doesn’t taste like food.” We didn’t give DC cake or pudding type things at all until they were at least 3 and they never asked for it. Kids develop sugar and salt tastes early so IMO limiting crap early is helping to set them up for healthy eating habits lifelong and I don’t really give a shit if anyone else thinks I am being too strict 🤷‍♀️.