Are we being too strict with toddler routine?

Mine all thrived on routine so I don’t think there is a massive issue there. As pp have said, I do think you need to work on getting someone else to do bedtime though - it doesn’t mean you can’t still BF to sleep, just someone else has a different routine for the evening.

We never went mad on snacks/ treats at home, but certainly weren’t as strict as you seem to be. I do remember one playgroup though where a child was climbing all
over the tables at snack time and having to be restrained by his Mum - she apologised and said he never ate sugar so was essentially being sent feral by the lure of a plate of
rich tea!!

Its normal (and temporary) to prioritise your child's needs. I never found it an issue to fit social things around it.

I think it depends a lot on the child. We are super flexible but our toddler is relatively low sleep needs. There are days where he may only have a 15 minute nap in the car and manages fine with it. But some of my friends toddlers would be an absolute nightmare if they only had a 15 minute nap so are much more rigid with their routines. You could always try being a bit more flexible (if you want to) and see how it works for you. But they wont nap forever so if your routine works for now then stick with it!

I am definitely a planner and I loved having a routine when mine were young. Sticking to it most of the time meant I got more time for me (DP worked away a lot so I found it essential) and sometimes my whole day would be planned around one thing I wanted to do but it had to fit with eating and naps (and so when we drove somewhere as they would sleep in car). I would have some flexibility for socialising but not too often. So I think if you are happy with routine and it works well for your child stick with it. The main thing I would work on is your DH being able to do bedtime - we take alternate nights and I don't go out loads but I do love knowing which evenings are mine to make plans if I want.

Same! Raising two kids meant I needed that nap time and bedtime routine even more! We put our eldest in pre-school just for mornings when our second child arrived so it coincided with the long nap time for the youngest (and I never felt the eldest was missing out as he was busy doing activities at pre-school whilst the youngest napped). Kept the routine of out and about in the afternoon for a walk/park/buggy nap and to meet friends.

Bedtime always at 7pm - it kept my sanity having the evenings for us. We only let go of the routine on holiday when they had extra long late afternoon naps.

An over-tired child is absolutely no fun to be around (we’ve all been there at some point) and its just draining and exhausting for the child and parent.

We have to do the same with our 2 year old as life isn’t worth living if he doesn’t have his nap. We do on the odd occasion try and skip it for some event but always regret it. He even had to be taken home early at our wedding because he missed his nap and was completely unreasonable.

eta
We keep him up later for events and he’s fine though, although it does knock him out of whack slightly the next day but he’s ok usually.

We are the same OP. In my experience of friends with kids the same age (nursery and NCT) they are very strict with nap time. No one I know is super flexible with this at all. Bed time is more of a mixed bag, if it seems to depend on the kid - if they are ok with a strict bedtime then parents go with that, some are more tricky and bedtime varies.

friends with slightly older children seem to flex bedtime a bit by letting children nap on holiday so they can go to bed later.

it won’t last very long, I’m content with a strict routine for a few years because I feel more in control. On occasions when we’ve had to be flexible (delayed flight!) she’s been fine though.

I was strict with my eldest too, less so with the second who was easier in every regard. I think it’s something that is baby dependent to an extent.

I also feel that if it impacts one parent more than the other they’re entitled to veto. Dh worked long hours and wasn’t often around for bedtimes, so I was the one that had to settle the dc. He resented the restrictions nap time created on his time off, but since I was the one who had to deal with the results, I stood my ground.

And it passes, because naps (sadly) don’t last forever.

I would hold off the crap good as long as you can. Once they get to preschool they get bombarded with it, and everything changes.

I actually found I needed a stricter routine with 2!

If it helps, my son stopped napping at 2 years old so the nap time issue might not be around for much longer.

The way I see this sort of thing is, what are the consequences of a missed/delayed nap? For us, they weren’t worth it! Our socialising would have been ruined by an overtired/overstimulated toddler.

I would work on transitioning to a place where you and DH can both get him to sleep in the evenings.

This stage really doesn’t last long. If routine is working, I’d stick with routine.

Not having any evening social life is just daft OP. A good bed time routine is important but a 2 year old only only being able to sleep if you’re there is ridiculous. Go out. He’ll fall asleep eventually without you there.

Do what suits your family best pretty much applies to every aspect of raising children.

I had a strict routine (sahm before school years, DH worked very long hours) and it kept me sane and worked for us. Both children have always gone to bed with no fuss around 7 when little, always had 2-3 hour nap in the morning and buggy nap in the afternoon out and about. Routine actually helped me enjoy life more with little ones as I knew I always had the morning nap and evenings to get things done. I did say no to things but the years are short and once they are in school, the years speed by and your’re into the teenage years before you know it. Im not far off being able to go out whenever leaving both kids at home. It goes in a flash!

With food, every parent should aim for healthy food most of the time but theres nothing wrong with treats. We have always been relaxed with having a treat. If its a hot day, no issue with an ice cream - they wont have been gorging on junk all day so its no issue. The most important thing with kids is to keep then active, lots of walks/outdoor activities, and then you really dont sweat over them having a few biscuits or a cake. Its the kids that never move and eat alot of junk that we should be worried about.

If routine works for you, stick to it. You dont see what goes on behind closed doors, so anyone criticising your routine, may have a very chaotic household themselves.

I had a fairly strict routine with bedtime but it had been based around self settling from when they were small babies ie putting them down awake but sleepy so they weren’t dependant on someone with them to drop off.

We always did bath, then milk and a biscuit with CBeebies bedtime hour, soon as it finished it was teeth and up for a story then they settled to sleep by themselves. Because that routine was so consistent we could have an odd night out with them where they didn’t follow the routine without messing up bedtime on other nights.

I was less strict around naps. If I was out they’d sleep in a buggy if they were tired. I was stricter with smaller babies but relaxed when they were toddlers.

Food - my first I avoided chocolate and treats in favour of fruit but his sisters has treats much earlier. There is no harm in being stricter but it does become harder as they interact more with others. I’ve found that they seem to get a sweet tooth more if they’ve had a later start to chocolate and cake.

I always thought I’d be a relaxed strap baby on and carry on with life parent but my first was a poor sleeper. When she got into an afternoon nap and bedtime routine I tried not to interrupt it. She stopped sleeping in a pram at a little over one and the car at about two so we were really restricted. Baby two slept better so it wasn’t such an issue. It didn’t last forever as both dropped naps at two.

Your bigger issue is not bringing able to leave toddler to go out in the evening. I’d get that sorted as a priority. I’d lighten up on the food as well. Treats are fine in moderation. If you’re really strict he is likely to binge at parties and once a teen will be living on McDonald’s.

Do whatever works for you! My 2yo is pretty much on no schedule whatsoever but that’s because she’s the youngest of three and there’s no way I could put up with having to meet a nap schedule when out with the other two. So yes, she sometimes falls asleep in the car on the way back from somewhere at 5pm and then doesn’t go to bed until goodness knows when…! I’ve decided I don’t care enough to do anything about it really, if she’s late to bed she’s late to bed. I was definitely more beholden to the schedule with my first!

If you like it, keep it!

I also breastfed my kids to sleep into toddler years. However, it's amazing what they will do when you are not around. My dd would happily go to sleep when my dh was putting her to bed by snuggling up to him pretending he was the gruffalo and she was the gruffalo's child. If my mum had them they would happily have a drink of cow's milk before brushing teeth, then a story.

I recall being much happier from the minute I accepted that our lives had to work around the baby's routine and not vice versa.

The strictness over treat foods is fine providing it doesn't extend to other things. Don't let it suck the joy. DH was brought up in a sweets are bad and unnecessary household where they were stinged out one at a time on high days and holidays. I still find sneaky Mars Bar wrappers in his trouser pockets. He's 64! More seriously, because all the sweet stuff was banned or rationed at home, his younger sister binged on it when she grew up. She's still a little tubby.

I have much older children now. We folllo ed a routine when we could but not to the point that we didn’t go out and my children grew up flexible with sleeping arrangements. Bed times.

other children in stricter routines were a nightmare as they got older if any thing disrupted their routine.

YABU for being the only one to help DS get to sleep for the night when DS is two years old. That seems restrictive/limiting for you and at this point not ideal for DH or DS either.

I breastfed DC when they were that age (though stopped feeding during the night from age one) but from a younger age sometimes went out in the evenings and/or DH helped them to sleep.

I think it's fine to have a strict routine and be strict with food at this age, but I would ditch feeding to sleep so that your DH can do bedtimes and you can go out.

I’d say you are fine apart from the fact that you’re the only one who can get him to sleep. That disadvantages you hugely, you should be able to socialise on occasion in the evening knowing his Dad can do that part.

Oh memory recall - I used to help out at Brownies. We were doing a swimming evening followed by McDonald’s. (I know - people will judge) 1 parent brought her dd to the swimming and then took her home after (no problem) but not before stating to everyone she doesn’t believe in McDonald’s 🤣 and her dd would never have McDonald’s and why are we ok feeding the Brownies junk. The poor girls face 🙁 They were 10.

Napping until 4 is unusual in the UK as children are in pre school by 3.

I actually agree we stop children having a day time sleep early but by 3 or 4 you would have to accept a late bedtime if you want to let them sleep in the day

My children would definitely fall asleep after nursery snd even in the early days of reception at about 4 or 5pm.but you then have to accept a late bedtime !

Essentially your husband can't expect a rigid exact routine forever as children grow and change

If it works for you ignore other people's comments.

However. Dont forget that babies and toddlers grow and change. Whatever routine you have needs to shift as for example their nap starts to drop off. I remember being so thrown by.those changes when id just got used to it.

I do think you need to start preparing for the nap to slide away as they.arent tired at midday forever! And the period where they move away from.the nap is one where some.days they have one...someday its at 3pm.and bedtime.is later

If you start getting anxious or unable to move bedtime.and be flexible about that it just is stressful

Tbh I've seen a lot of stress from people who were rigid but I also think if the baby has a nice routine it makes parent life easier

I would not want to be a total slave to bedtime tbh and I would hope as they grow older that you would be getting out regardless of what impact it had on bedtime. You need a life too

My dc2 needed a routine. Never napped anywhere but the cot (despite me and others trying!) it was very restrictive but I stuck to it because I values my sleep at night. She was also breastfed until 2 1/2. What I will say is the time passes quickly (even if it doesn’t feel like that at the time) and we soon able to be more flexible once she started playgroup and her sleep routine changed. Dc1, 3 and 4 were different because I was working full time and naps etc were a lot more random.
Do whatever works for you to get through this time.
Re the food - I have been strict/relaxed/breast fed/bottle fed and I can honestly say now my dc are all 12yrs plus you would not know which is which. Actually my 2 pickiest eaters as small children now eat anything and the other 2 who ate everything in front of them as small children are now picky 🤷🏽‍♀️
But let your child have a chocolate button!
Also, I have always been strict with bedtimes (when at home) when dc were younger but as they got older encouraged them to self regulate.
Actually, looking back I have always done what is easiest for me 🙈 and they have all turned out ok!