Are we being too strict with toddler routine?

Yes, toddlers get grouchy when tired . Tmocer tiredness is what causes the meltdowns and tantrums at parties, out shopping etc. Your kid will be a lot happier when they get enough sleep.

I’m a big fan of routines for kids, but I’m wondering why you’re the only one that can get him to sleep. That has nothing to do with routines. That’s a habit that you and him have gotten yourself into and should be solved because it’s limiting your socialising options (which you clearly miss). So you need to work on that.

This exactly. I've seen quite a few toddlers having meltdowns at parties/family get together and every single one had been showing signs of being overtired beforehand.

A routine makes sure mine doesn't really get that way. And I like it that way. I'm not saying he's never that way but I will prioritise his nap and routine over attending an event with an overtired toddler. Some find that restrictive. I find it helpful.

Maybe you are but does it really matter ?

Just remember that these years won't be forever, if you want to be strict it may suit you for the time being

I don't think there really is a "too strict" you do what works for your child and you. The question really is what are you sacrificing for your son's routine? and do those sacrifices work for him and you? For me personally, I think partly because I don't drive, I found a strict nap time made it hard to get out, so we never really had one, The same with food - I think we were more relaxed than you, but I don't think that's better. Interestingly now age 12, my child who was the toddler who would eat loads of things most toddlers wouldn't, is the 12 year old whose fussier than many others! However as a toddler it was easy to feed him on a day out because he'd have something most places. I would say you are "too strict" if you are unhappy because of how constrained you are, but otherwise you aren't.

Sleep routine is king. I didn’t mess with it until they were at least 3+. I didn’t really care if anyone thought we were too rigid – they weren’t the ones impacted by the repercussions.

I would give a second thought to the food as he gets older. Children have to learn appropriate restriction rather than all-out denial.

Your children should fit in with you, not the other way round. Personally I couldn’t do that tight a routine and didn’t with my 3. On the food - doesn’t seem terrible but at some point you probably need to loosen up a bit or the forbidden foods will be very desirable.

Honestly once you have a bad sleeper you’ll do anything to never go back to that again. I found a strict routine worked wonders for my son. It meant he was never tired or hungry and was always a joy to be around. We didn’t have to worry about tantrums because of over tiredness or sugar crashes. If it works for you then do it. As they get older the routine naturally relaxes as they can handle the odd late night or late dinner. But toddlers are much easier to live with if well rested and well fed!

I tried to get into a strict routine with DC1 but she was a crap napper and would never nap in a cot and I used to get so stressed about it. Being into the more gentle approach and totally opposed to sleep training, we eventually eased off trying to be strict and got into a make it up as we go groove and everyone was much happier. She would nap on the go mostly and was much happier for it.

With DC2 I just didn't even try for a strict routine. With a toddler in tow already it was just never on the cards. He would nap in the carrier, buggy, car, floor.....never in his cot the same as his sister.

They're older now and great sleepers and I don't feel like lack of routine ever did them harm and it certainly helped my mental wellbeing to be more relaxed and adaptable.

I am an anxious person with a 3 year old DD and thought I’d need a routine to survive but strangely, we don’t have one at all. I did plan one and read all the books 😂 but I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after she was born and it all went out the window. She does sleep and eat well though so I think this is probably why it works, rather than us being parents of the year…if I wasn’t getting any sleep at night I’d do whatever it took to make that happen.

She had terrible reflux as a baby, constant vomit until she was weaned so we would carry her everywhere in a sling which she’d sleep in wherever, and she dropped all naps at 2 anyway. Bedtime is about the same time every night, but no hard and fast rules around it and if we are on holiday or staying with family we play it by ear. Same with meals, except at nursery obviously.

I have a history of disordered eating/ED and did not want to pass good/bad food mentality on to her so we allowed bits of sweet stuff right from the beginning, in moderation and nothing too super processed. (She doesn’t ever have squash though, I’m anti-squash 😂 or anything fizzy, or anything with sweeteners in) I’m proud of how she moderates her eating, she’ll eat a couple of bites of cake for example and say she’s done and won’t always choose junk at parties when she’s allowed to choose bits for herself. At a festival recently she was desperate to go to the sweetie bus so I let her choose about 20 sweets, jelly baby type things. They lasted 3 days because she’d have a couple, then put them in her bag and do something else. I don’t know if that’s just how she is, or whether our approach “worked”, or it’s a just a happy accident but I’m very relieved and desperately hope it continues.

I have 2 and it’s hard to say if it’s chicken or egg. They’re super chill, will nap anywhere, sometimes go to bed at 7 sometimes at 8:30 depending what we’ve done. 4 year old still has a nap often but still goes to bed at normal time. They’ll nap anywhere and will shift their nap depending on what we’re doing time wise.

But I don’t know if they’re chill because I’ve never had a strict routine or if I don’t need a strict routine because they’re chill…

I know I personally wouldn’t cope with a strict routine. Also I would feel bad if my older one missed out because we had to get back for younger ones nap.

It's not too strict if you're happy with it. I personallt wouldnt be happy with not being able to socialise and not being able to leave my child in the eveninga.

I had my sons in a very strict routine until my youngest stopped napping at 3.5y. We missed out on a lot of socialising, never had full days out etc etc BUT now my kids are 6 and 4.5 and they are amazing sleepers, amazing eaters and we have been gradually relaxing the routine for the past year and it’s been great for everyone. We are still in a routine during school term, especially on dinner time and bedtime, but the 6yo can be a bit more relaxed and not have this affect him.
Looking back I think we did the best decision to work our lives around the kids routines. I believe it has made them feel secure and calm in our daily lives

Just from the perspective of someone whose parents were very strict re food, and only let me have sugar-free squash, but let me have gallons of the stuff, I never learned any self control with sweet food or drinks as a child, so as soon as I had my own money I would e.g. buy a sharing bag of sweets or something and eat the whole thing in a day, and it continued into adulthood. DH and I are taking the approach of letting DC have a moderate amount of chocolate/cake, but no more, and discussing with them that too much makes one unhealthy and is bad for your teeth. Also no artificial sweeteners at all, because that really confuses the brain, so just small amounts of fruit juice etc then water or milk for the rest of the day.
None of us gets these things 100% right though; so don't beat yourself up about it. That fact that you care enough to worry is a good thing!

Family life is just that, it has to work for everyone in the family. Yours sounds like it's working well for your DS and husband and slightly less well for you (or I don't think you'd be asking). You need to rebalance slightly I think.

Get your partner doing nights. You might have a rough few days but the world won't end. If you want to go to lunch at a nap time, you absolutely should. Again, maybe you have a rough afternoon but you can just veg out - it's not every day.

The food thing - it's fine and up to you, the bit that gave me pause is where you said you love going out to eat and socialise. I have always been liberal about my child's eating (within reason) because I wanted to pass on the joy of food to her, not make some nice foods forbidden. I love to treat myself to a cake from time to time so why shouldn't she? I have happy memories of splitting a muffin with her in a cafe every so often. I just mention this because I wonder if that's what's niggling you about it.

Why can't you go out in the evenings after you've put him to bed?
If your husband isn't fussed about going out then it will work perfect for you, I go out all the time after baby is in bed and my husband stays home.

I stick to a routine with my 19 month old because if he sleeps later/longer than normal then it messes up his night time sleep. I will do whatever it takes to protect my own sleep, so that means he needs to sleep which means he needs to stick to his own routine.

Ah, I'm the opposite. Strict on food (especially UPFs) but relaxed on naps/sleep. My baby (toddler not so much) naps around mine/our social activities. I find it incredibly frustrating organising get togethers with friends who are super strict with nap times. At the end of the day, I parent how I feel is best and everyone's miles vary here.

ETA: Cake, biscuits, ice cream are fine at parties or grandparents house as occasional treats but we literally don't have them in the house.

Having all foods- including sweet treats- as part of a balanced diet is the opposite of an unhealthy eating pattern.

There is a huge difference between encouraging balanced and healthy meals and banning certain foods from a child's diet. Research shows that restricting food and making some foods "bad" creates unhealthy relationships with food.

I don't know one person, I can think of around 10-20 off the top of my head.

Have to say every single anorexic young woman I know of (I've known of 5) has been obsessed with exercise and overally obsessed with healthy eating/very fussy eaters or not really bothered about food in geveral. Plus some of the parents were also obsessed with exercise and limiting what 'treat' food they gave their kids. I'd say its a tricky situation to navigate. I overheard one family at harvester/premier Inn breakfast chatting a few years ago. The Mum was late then turned up wet hair and gushing about the run she'd just been on. 2 boys (approx 8 & 10) one wanted butter and jam on his crumpet- mum said 'no its either one or the other you know the rules' etc. Both parents looked gaunt. Made me feel sad. Obviously that was a tiny snapshot into their lives and kid might have been diabetic for all I know but I had a friend a bit like this too. if her kids wanted extra cake etc she'd say 'yes but let's go for a bike ride/exercise first then we can have the cake.'

I think you should do what works for you as a family some might like a routine. I didn't have nap times for any of my 4 I just went with the flow maybe because it was a long time ago and there wasn't social media or apps which loads of parents seem to have now to track everything.

DS has never needed much sleep and wouldn’t really get grouchy if he missed a nap or had a late night. I think that was partly his personality (he’s 10 now and still refuses to admit when he’s tired!!) but also the fact that we’ve always been flexible. We live somewhere that has lots of family friendly social events some of which go on quite late. It’s not uncommon to see babies asleep in prams/slings wearing ear defenders! And older kids who are mobile get fully involved and embrace the occasional late night.

We were a bit like this on the sleep front with our first for the first year/18 months. (Although we still socialised, we just got a blackout cover for the buggy which she preferred to her cot). She was a very sensitive baby though and needed sleep or she just screamed. She was like an unexploded bomb, and napping at nursery was a nightmare until they also got the buggy blackout.

But by a year we were more relaxed. I think at 2 you are a bit rigid, especially if only you can get him to sleep. I knew someone who had to hold each of her children’s hands until they fell asleep, the oldest was 5!!! She never got out in the evening till 8.30! Don’t be that person!

Youngest was a dream by comparison. Rarely cried, slept anywhere, was super portable.

As pp have noted, at some point the nap/bed routine will stop working for you all.

We found that when DS was around 2.5, any nap in the day meant that bedtime was becoming ridiculously late. He just wasn't tired enough to fall asleep, even with all the sleep cues of a familiar bedtime routine.

But at the same time, he couldn't manage cold turkey no nap every day - some days he was just too tired to get through the day. And trying to engineer the day so that he had no nap opportunities was unnecessarily rigid and restrictive: We couldn't go anywhere with the car or on the bus/train because he would fall asleep, we couldn't use the buggy or the bike seat because he'd fall asleep in it, sometimes he fell asleep getting a piggyback ride or just being carried. And staying at home all day was a recipe for boredom and frustration for everyone.

It was a tricky period and there was no perfect solution. Sometimes he had no nap and an early bed and it was great; sometimes we planned for a short nap and late bed and it was ok; sometimes he had no nap and was a screamy, overtired mess but at least he went to bed early; sometimes he had a late nap and a horrendous late bedtime and woke early and overtired the next day and it was a big mess but we got through it.

But letting go of the need for it to work out perfectly and the ability to manage when it all went totally sideways was definitely important to getting through it without too much frustration and overwhelm.

Honestly a routine is fine if it's working for you but I couldn't have lived liked that unless I absolutely had too. We were lucky with DD who would sleep in the car or pram, have a lie in if she's been up late etc.

I think the key thing to remember with social life etc is this is only for a short time. In a few years you will barely remember the times when they napped and were too young for ice cream and you can go out for an afternoon of socialising, they'll play with your friends kids, have an ice cream and it's all much more relaxed