To have got rid of stepsons room?

Do OP’s kids get a look in? No, just forced to have an unrelated nearly adult man with a drug problem in their home, losing a bedroom, mum being stressed out of her head. Because what, #bekind?

It doesn’t have to be OP’s problem, or her DH’s though. Nor should it be.

If his mother can wash her hands of him then his mother’s ex certainly can.

Poor lad. emergency housing is likely to be very difficult to come by, he may find himself Street homeless and will probably have to present to the council saying this. If they think they can have him live at yours they will, you have definitely got a safeguarding risk on your hands at minimum if he is not supervised around the twins, I think you need an emergency plan and a slightly longer term one to share with him. Emergency would be keep him off the streets for a few days (on your sofa/in temporary accommodation etc), but potentially don’t admit this to social services or housing at the council, hopefully he can get emergency housing near you. give him very firm boundaries around behaviour obviously. Talk to him like an adult, explain the complexity of the situation and how it’s essential that you all cooperate calmly so you can all stabilise the situation. And then a slightly more long-term plan would be that he is settled in some sort of accommodation, and you guys are somewhere in his orbit, offering reassurance and love.

I would contact social services for advice. He's been abused by his new step parent and has serious issues of his own not least lack of quals, drink and drug abuse; then there's your inability to house him and the safeguarding risk to your young children.

It's terribly sad, in an ideal world you would be able to secure funds to house him locally and support him getting into education and training before he goes the way of his bio father. But it has to cut both ways, he's 17 now, he's had an epically sh*t start in life and that isn't fair, but he can either be a victim or find the resolve to try to claw his way out of it. Nor is it the fault of your vulnerable children who also have their own issues.

That's a disgusting comment.
Shame on you!!

What a horrible situation OP. I’m so sorry, it must be so hard for you

This is so bloody sad, this kid desperately needs someone on his side. He will of seen the bedroom not being there as a sign of rejection, at a point when he’s already been rejected massively by his mum.

I know this isn’t “your” problem, but it has to be someone’s problem, and I couldn’t turn my back on him at this point. As someone else said, offer him the chance to turn things around - house rules, he needs to work, no drugs.

Yes. I have worked as a consultant psychiatrist for decades and can see how vulnerable this young man is. For everybody’s sake, including the wider community, he needs some kind of intense positive support asap, otherwise he really will throw his life away. In the future, he may be a risk to himself or others unless he is supported to get onto the right path now.

Not unreasonable at all. You dont owe this boy anything. I wouldn't have a violent drunk person in my house.

I think that the best case scenario here would be for the boy to move to some kind of supported hostel that he could hopefully remain in for a few years rather than be kicked out of at 18, but it be close to your home.

So that your partner could try and facilitate some positive relationship with the boy and be one of the few decent role models in his life. But this is easier said than done of course. You need ss input asap.

You're not understanding. Everything you have mentioned re the mum's failures emphasises why this boy needs DH in his life, as the only stable parental figure he has ever known. This can be done in a controlled way without putting anyone at risk.

Maybe I have a different perspective as my extended family has a long history of fostering and adoption and does not see vulnerable young people the same way you do.

Not a chance I would share mine and my 4-year-old twins' living space with an unrelated teenage with a history of drink and drugs, not in education, whose response to something he doesn't like is to get angry and possibly violent. Not a fucking chance, I'd end my relationship rather than agree to that.

What I would do is encourage my partner - who seems to be the only source of stability in this boy's life - to keep trying to maintain their relationship and help and advise him. Just not in your home, @Berfudia

So you’d have OP take in a 17 year old drug user, to her home where her disabled young children live, where there isn’t a spare room for him? For how long? And they’ll pay for everything he needs?

I think this is a very hard situation for you both OP.

I don't think this boy can live with you, at least not at the moment- he needs proper support to get his life on track, and you need to think of the needs of your younger children.

I would probably see what help Social Services can provide, perhaps there is supported living he could be housed in where your DP could easily visit and support? It sounds as if money might be tight, but if DP can help with money for therapy and days/meals out to show him he is loved I think that would go a long way.

He also should be supported to report his abusive SF.

I hope this goes well for all of you.

Again. So what. That is not the child’s fault and that is who this is about! Punishing children because of their shit parents.

someone needs to show this boy that he matters before it’s too late. DP has repeatedly chosen to act as this child father. Of course it’s unfair but parenting generally isn’t.

He’s not your problem, or your DP’s.

Tbh I wouldn’t have had him back. I would take him back to his mums and would not allow him to stay at your house. The situation is doomed.

Who gives a fuck what his mum did or didn’t do. This young boy didn’t have any choices or options and clearly she had form for being cruel to him consistently.

DP still made effort regardless of distance and issue with his brothers. Because he feels parental to this child. The boy didn’t even speak for 24 hours! He needs help and shipping him off into care at this age is signing of his life going into freefall and petty crime.

yes he is fucking up in big way but for forbid any adult in his life fight for him

Having this lad in your lives is a huge mistake. You need to think of your children.

This is all vwry sad for him but you have other children to think about. I do think it would be nice if DH can repair his relationship with him, he sounds like he needs a decent role model to speak to. But outside your home, or if he does come into your house, with strict rules on behaviour
This kid has been dealt an awful hand in lifez but that also has made him volatile. He could come through this and turn into a decent human with some guidance. But not at the risk of harm to your children.

If it were me in your shoes I would help him but I wouldn’t have him in my home, not to stay at least. Contact SS or a housing charity, try and get him set up with practical things and not money (money is no good if he’s on drugs). I would try and include him starting small - come round for dinner when your kids are away, or your DP takes him out, then move from there.

You and your DP technically don’t have any obligation to him - but your DP obviously cares deeply about him so I think you’ll have a bit of a fight on your hands if you want to kick him to the curb. It’s about you setting boundaries and ensuring your boys are safe, but if it was me I would want to support my DP and this child. It is totally up to you thought and I would understand if you don’t want to.

Edit- also I think the kick off about his bedroom maybe needs to be forgotten. He should say sorry, but he was probably absolutely in turmoil and possibly cranky because he’s not had weed. I know people think it’s not addictive - but withdrawal is very real. It’s obviously not about the bedroom it’s about feeling rejected, replaced and forgotten (that’s how he will feel even though it’s not the case).

Apart from the years he was cut off from the boy by the mum moving away, frustrating contact, badmouthing him and being happy the relationship broke down.

Isn’t it a shame his mum had a baby with a serious criminal, ruined the relationship with her ex and her son by moving 3 hours away, bad mouthed her ex and finally trashed their bond by lying about him, moved an arsehole into her home, sidelined her son in favour of her step daughter and new child, let him be assaulted in his own home, failed to the extent he’s taking drugs and engaging in dangerous behaviour then chucked him out.

It’s a tragedy. Entirely of the mother’s making.

Literally nothing to do with OP or her young children. Nothing.

Crikey. I’d say SS, unfortunately, he’s been thrown out and made homeless by his mum and OP’s dp does not have parental responsibility. I don’t think it’s feasible for this lad/near adult to live with them because his behaviour is out of control and her twins are too little/vulnerable.

I can’t believe he’d bring this thing back to his 2 tiny autistic children.

What an awful thing to say about a victim of abuse.