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Original poster

To have got rid of stepsons room?

261 replies

Berfudia · 13/08/2025 16:28

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

OP posts:
ThatOpenSwan · 13/08/2025 18:23

Some gobsmackingly horrible posts on this thread. You can always rely on the inhumanity of Mumsnet.

pinkyredrose · 13/08/2025 18:21

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 16:37

I am usually hot on the shitty step parents

I think that you were very wrong to ban him from your home because he was pushing your 1yo. That could've been fixed with time and effort. But thats in the past.

His mum sounds shocking. She sounds as though she puts herself first, no wonder this poor boy is so angry.

I think that your husband sounds like a decent man, a really decent one. I think that, just because they dont share blood, doesn't mean that this boy isnt his responsibility.

And now that youre married to his dad, hes your responsibility too.

I think you should work on an approach to help the poor young man, that doesn't involve him living with your autistic sons. They may not share blood, but they share a dad, no matter how he came to be one.

The choice to be a dad isnt one that you drop because things get rough.

Could you work out renting a small place close by, with strict conditions re drugs and loud noise. The rest would fall on his dad's shoulders as to counselling him to be a good man, getting him back into school or work etc

And slowly, and very slowly, he could try to form a bond with his brothers.

Best of luck x

Edit, it will not be easy by any means. But its the right thing to do.

His mum doesn't want him. He knows it and I think that you know it. He needs somewhere else to stay and to have a break from her and her toxic ways.

Edited

That's all grand except he isn't the child's dad!

Roosch · 13/08/2025 18:20

Maybe the 17yo could see if his actual dad is out of jail yet, or find some of his actual family members to offload on.

BubblingBelly · 13/08/2025 18:19

Supporting a neglected young person can take many forms. It doesn’t mean bringing them into your own home.

It could mean liaising with social services. Or weekly phone calls. Perhaps some financial support. Maybe meeting up for a coffee somewhere.

But love means boundaries. Being clear about what is and isn’t acceptable. Contacting police if the law is broken. Stopping contact temporarily if lines are crossed.

As a society the world doesn’t need another angry young man. They can do untold damage to themselves and others. And cost society £££ in thefts, damage and worse and prison sentences. The more we can try and do to prevent that the better.

Roosch · 13/08/2025 18:19

@Berfudia

Luckily this 17yo is not your stepson!
(He is not your partner’s son, and you are not married to your partner anyway) so he should have nothing to do with you. Wash your hands of him.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 13/08/2025 18:19

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 16:57

What?

I am not trying to appear kind and responsible 😭😭, I am being an adult and I am being myself

If you become the parent of an kid, and raise them as your own, you dont cease doing so because you separate from their mum

This poor boy has been told all sorts by his crappy mum, and no doubt believed that his DAD no longer wanted him. Now hes realised his mum is shit and has gone off the rails

He needs his dad, the man who parented him to fight for him.

Tbh I'd be upset if my husband wasnt making an effort to be in touch during the years the boy claimed he wanted nothing to do with him

Being a parent isnt just blood. Its a choice, and its one you dont abandon when things get tough.

Show quote history

🙄 utter nonsense.

applebee33 · 13/08/2025 18:17

He’s not his dad and he did well to look after him all these years but I’d cut contact he sounds a liability

Heronwatcher · 13/08/2025 18:16

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 18:04

So by your logic, an adoptive child born first matters less than the biological children born after? Ok.

Show quote history

I accept that this is probably academic but the partner hasn’t adopted this boy. He doesn’t have legal parental responsibility and isn’t on the birth certificate. He’s not a legal guardian. This could actually be really dangerous if medical decisions need to be made in his interests and he can’t consent himself- i.e if he has a drug overdose or something similar and the mother and bio father are nowhere to be found…

Also people are forgetting that the mother has already poisoned her son against the partner and he’s already had a really extreme reaction to his room being emptied (in quite reasonable circumstances).

The OP and her partner are not the right people to house this kid- they can offer support but he needs someone with the right skills and authority.

Original poster
Berfudia · 13/08/2025 18:15

I do worry about what will happen if we don't help him, he already has low self esteem re the football trophies not mattering, dp took a photo of the bruises on his wrist but he says he doesn't want to report it because that doesn't matter either. He's been saying his birthday next week will be shit etc.

But the boys can't share, one is a bad sleeper and would constantly wake the other one and then they'd have meltdowns etc. One of them does co sleep with us most nights so we could in reality give stepson that room but that feels unfair to remove sons room. We can't afford a bigger house.

I will call social services but I have no idea what to say to them. I don't think a hostel will be a good place for a 16yo especially as he already feels abandoned. But he's out again now and have no idea what he's going to get up to

OP posts:
Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 13/08/2025 18:15

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2025 18:04

And the two little boys who have suffered at the hands of the boy who isn’t even biologically related to OP’s partner ?

Show quote history

Oh ok, calling a 17yr old "thing" is perfectly acceptable.
What is it with mumsnetters and "biology". They're not blood so get rid.
Anyone who has been adopted/fostered and reading these opinions on this site must feel like shit

PreciousTatas · 13/08/2025 18:14

Is your DP damaged in the head?

Why is he putting his actual sons at risk for a man who isn't even related to him in anyway?

Why are you putting up with this farce?

Fearfulsaints · 13/08/2025 18:12

I dont think you were unreasonable to give the room to your children in the circumstances you describe. You also need to keep your children safe..

I also dont think this boy is unreasonable to be acting out and feel rejected. Im assuming that with his birth father rejecting him, then his mother rejecting him, he felt your dh was his most secure relationship. I hope they can work out a way of safe, continuing contact, for everyone's sake and that you can support him into accommodation that works via social services/the council.

Sometimes being the adult is very hard.

ThejoyofNC · 13/08/2025 18:12

I can't get over the absolute cheek of his so-called mother.

I'm sorry but allowing this young man to move into your home is going to destroy your lives and those of your children.

PuppyMonkey · 13/08/2025 18:12

In my opinion you must try to help him, give him security, reassure him and your DH set out some basic ground rules and there be a very clear discussion about the twins and how to behave with them.

And what if SS deem the lad to be such a serious concern they put the twins at risk of harm?

InterIgnis · 13/08/2025 18:10

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 18:04

So by your logic, an adoptive child born first matters less than the biological children born after? Ok.

Show quote history

Adoption would actually make the DH his parent, legally. He is neither legally nor biologically this kid’s father. This is not his responsibility in any way, and it’s hideously unfair of him to land this on OP and his actual children.

BlueFlowers5 · 13/08/2025 18:10

Poor boy, maybe he feels no one loves him.
If you and DP are willing, time to take DSS on and prove him wrong.

BubblingBelly · 13/08/2025 18:10

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2025 18:04

And the two little boys who have suffered at the hands of the boy who isn’t even biologically related to OP’s partner ?

Show quote history

Do you support an emotionally-neglected 17y being called a ‘thing’ then?

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 18:10

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2025 18:08

‘Chosen son’ ? What does that even mean. Away from the romantic mindset and back in the real world this boy is nothing to do with OP or her DP. His mother has decided she doesn’t want to be responsible for him because she’s clearly prioritising her latest shag. He’s proven himself not to be trusted around OP’s other young children and you’re actually suggesting that they prioritise him over their own children ? Get a grip.

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I'm not spending my time arguing with you, about such a serious topic. My heart goes out to this boy and I hope that the OP makes the right choice.

noctilucentcloud · 13/08/2025 18:09

usedtobeaylis · 13/08/2025 17:58

I think there are two things - firstly that your partner will want to support him, and secondly that he can't live in your house. Those seem to be fundamental. At 14 he was pushing babies around and at 17 he's clearly angry and aggressive. Whatever the mumsnet pychoanalysis is - it's not safe to have him there. Unfortunately your DP is the one who is going to have to come up with something.

"I think there are two things - firstly that your partner will want to support him, and secondly that he can't live in your house."

I think another two things are (1) that it is not safe to return him back to his mums (he's said his stepdad abused him and his mums obviously not protectd him), and (2) that you have a responsibility to him, in the same way you have for any under 18, that you can't throw him out on to the street. I think your partner needs to contact social services.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2025 18:08

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 18:02

Please, again, I cannot engage with someone of your awful mindset. Thank you.

Some of you on this thread are terrifying, and I sincerely hope that the OP carries herself with the compassion and decency and protectiveness of others that mothers (biological/step/adoptive/etc) are known for.

Choosing to help her husband's chosen son, away from their autistic boys' home, is the most reasonable approach forwards, imo.

Show quote history

‘Chosen son’ ? What does that even mean. Away from the romantic mindset and back in the real world this boy is nothing to do with OP or her DP. His mother has decided she doesn’t want to be responsible for him because she’s clearly prioritising her latest shag. He’s proven himself not to be trusted around OP’s other young children and you’re actually suggesting that they prioritise him over their own children ? Get a grip.

valentinka31 · 13/08/2025 18:07

The lad is in absolute crisis and the only parent he has is your DH. So although having a 17 year old boy who has no current future plans and has fallen into bad ways is an absolute challenge, your DH, rightly so, is looking after him. In my opinion you must try to help him, give him security, reassure him and your DH set out some basic ground rules and there be a very clear discussion about the twins and how to behave with them. You need to get support on board for him, talk to gp, look up organisations that help lads at this age.

It would be very wrong to abandon him, and I feel your DH should be supported.

ScribblingPixie · 13/08/2025 18:07

Poor lad. I hope your DP can help him make a new start. You don't owe him anything but a bit of practical and emotional support can't help. Draw your boundaries though.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 13/08/2025 18:06

This reply has been deleted

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Silvers11 · 13/08/2025 18:05

@Berfudia Did you post about this before? It sounds very, very familiar?

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 18:04

Manxexile · 13/08/2025 18:03

The issue here is that the boy who is no blood relation is posing a potential threat to the safety of the OP's and her DP's biological children.

In that situation there is no choice. The non-blood relation has no priority over the biological children.

That's not to say "he doesn't matter". It just means that he is not the main concern of the OP or her DP, and is not more important than their children together.

The view you are promoting is likely counter productive to your apparent wishes as no man would assist in raising a child not their own for fear of being held responsible for that child in later years.

Show quote history

So by your logic, an adoptive child born first matters less than the biological children born after? Ok.