To have got rid of stepsons room?

No.

I've said nothing about adoption and AIUI theOP's DP has not adopted this child.

I'm no expert but my understanding is that if you decide to adopt a child - a major decision - then you are in effect legally accepting that child as yours ie same as a biological child

Can you please point out to me where the OP has said that her DP adopted this kid 'cos I must have overlooked it

He needs more help than you can give him. You gave your own children to think about. He needs to go!,Send him back to his mother and tell her to seek help for him through Social Services.

Newsflash: lots of people on here aren’t mothers!

Have you got a signed copy of this "vow"?

Where has a vow suddenly come from?

You're making stuff up to fit what you think people should do.

If you want to do it, you offer the kid a home

Just wondering who all the bleeding hearts would blame if the vulnerable teen takes his anger out on the vulnerable 4 year olds (for which he has previous form) or the OP - who I am sure feels pretty vulnerable around a strapping 17 year old with drug and anger issues who cares not one jot for her? Life isn't a Hallmark movie, it's about decisions that have to be made out of practicality and safety. The best placed party to help this near adult, who has substance abuse issues, needs college/an apprenticeship/a job and needs a stable roof over his head, is social services. They will have everything in place to give him holistic help, not dribs and drabs of charity from a reluctant, non related, vulnerable family whom this teen already deeply resents and mistrusts.

Also to everyone saying he's not his Dad, it's not clear if OP's husband feels that way. She says he treated him as his own, drove miles to have him EOW after they moved, and paid to take him to hotels to stay when he couldn't go to their home anymore. He also went straight over there to offer support when he heard he was struggling. All of that is far more than many biological fathers do.

Even if it were your partner's bio or adoptive son coming to you, he'd need a preliminary conversation about house rules, discipline, and what to expect going forward; it sounds like that didn't happen. If the 16yo genuinely can't or won't abide by house rules including not drinking or doing drugs and not shouting in the middle of the night, he's unfortunately got to go.

Is the bio-dad still in prison? It's late, but he still has responsibility for his child and should be given the opportunity to step up. Or a relative of the biodad or the mother? It's not your husband's legal responsibility but it seems clear he feels it is his responsibility on some ethical level, and on a practical level the 16yo is with him now. However, the 16yo also has to understand that he has very limited choices of where to live right now and that stealing, doing hard drugs (if he does) and making a ruckus when drunk would have severe negative consequences even if he could afford his own place right now. Sobered up and a long calm talk should be the first step, but if you believe the younger children are in danger he can't stay in the house with them even short-term.

Mumsnet love to try to punish and kick out other people's kids, it's really depressing. This kid is obviously desperate for someone to see him as a priority.

Can he sleep in your sitting room temporarily OP? Alternatively could one of your kids sleep in with you?

There need to be well explained boundaries that he needs to agree to stick with. He needs to understand that the other children have SEN and it's not possible for him to just behave however he likes. He then needs lots of help and support with next steps to get him on his feet.

You both sound like really kind people OP. I have no doubt you are great parents. I despair for the kids of some of the posters on here, they have zero empathy.

@beAsensible1 - "Well yes because the first problem
was kicking him out for knocking the children over when it requirement observation and serious punishment. you don’t punish children by throwing them out. It’s a bizarre
you don’t kick a child out because of sibling rivalry you tackle it head on..."

AIUI he wasn't kicked out, he went back to his mother and his mother was delighted because it was driving a wedge between the boy and the OP's DP.

The rest of your post is unintelligible. I don't know what "... knocking the children over when it requirement observation and serious punishment..." even means. Are you saying it required serious punishment or that it only required observation?

Also the children are not siblings. There is no family relationship at all.

I think a 14 year old deliberately pushing over 10 month old twins who are no relation is something that requires immediate intervention - not just observation

Newsflash: She makes that clear

It's fine to say he shouldn't be moving in with the OP and her young kids, I would agree with that and I think her DH helping him find some supported accommodation would be the best outcome.

But Christ, some of the comments on here are really shit. I have thought quite a few times about some of the stories we see of abused children who get killed by their parents. There is always outrage but if those kids had lived to be teenagers there is every chance they would end up with the same kind of issues as this boy.

At what point to abused children stop being victims and become a "thing"?

What are his plans ?college,work and such?
I would find out if he wants to live in your area or his mums. Then get him to the local council and he can tell them he is homeless.
You cant keep him . He is to unpredictable. And to be fair after nearly 3 years you dont really know him.
His mum sounds like she has failed him a lot and his bio dad.

mumofoneAloneandwell If your so concerned why don't you take him in. He's a stranger hasnt been in their lives for years. He hasnt got PR, he was his dm ex partner. Op your maib concern is safe guarding your dc. You owe this child nothing he has a mother and your dp isnt his dad

posted twice - edited out.

Agree with contacting social services. You could also contact Barnardo’s and explain the situation. See what they can suggest.

All you can do is tell him they if he wants to be part of your family he has to be a grown up. He needs to understand that your twins need their own rooms. He needs NOT to get drunk and damage your property, shout, kick off etc. He needs to go to college and get a job (part time/full time) and help around the home if he wants to be fed and have a roof and somewhere to sleep.

Tell him if he can’t be an adult then he can’t stay. I know he’s 17 but it’s not hard for a 17yr old to be more grown up. I have DS18 & 19 so I do know they can be mature if encouraged to do so.

Give him one chance and if it doesn’t work he had to go .

This ^

Agree with this, I think you were BU 3 years ago.

I think you aren't understanding.

This boy might need the OP's DP in his life, but the OP, her DP and their two vulnerable children most certainly do not need him in their lives.

If you have a different view because you have a long history of fostering and adoption, then you should be advocating getting social services involved to sort this out.

Having been abandoned by his biological parents, he's society's problem. Just because the OP's DP has previously tried to help in his life does not make the OP's DP - or the OP herself - responsible for him now.

The only important things in the OP's and her DP's lives are their shared children. The DP should not be jeapordising that

Apologies, I haven't read the whole thread, but haven't seen anyone saying this. In terms of what you say to children's social care; if this boy is effectively homeless, he may be a "Southwark Judgement" child and entitled to accommodation as a looked after child. See one local authority's guidance on this here: 16 and 17 year old young people at risk of homelessness. You mentioned a hostel - it is more likely to be "supported accommodation", independent living with input from a support worker. This type of accommodation is now inspected by Ofsted. It still may not be great, but perhaps better than you are imagining. What I don't know is whether your local authority would say he's the responsibility of the local authority where his mother lives. If you want him to be placed locally, you or your partner might need to be firm about your partner's links to him and about the possible abuse at his mother's.

I’m probably going against the grain here. I think Dp should take step son out for a drive, meal, kick about, golf, whatever. Tell him he is sorry his mum is like this, knows it’s hard, people aren’t perfect, but the son and him aren’t responsible for that but are responsible as men for their own behaviour, and son has his own life and path to choose. Say he wants to help him stay on right path but knows that’s hard. Or if dp cant do that then sit down together and you do that. But do say that this is last chance under your roof and he needs to try as much as you both are to make this work.

My suggestion after that if ss sticks about - he might be too far gone on drugs, drink and anger- is your dp should have a blow up bed on floor of biggest of your twins rooms with the step son. You co sleep with one of the twins and the other keeps his room. The step son can’t be left unsupervised in your house - no. He is too volatile right now. He is off the rails. He isn’t safe at moment. But he is maybe saveable. Take all drink out of house though. He is in pain and drink will only bring that out.

This is what I would try. But it is totally up to you! Either way no he cant do this again! And if he doesn’t want this, messes up, then you MUST protect the twins. And if you just don’t want to try this then it’s totally ok too. Sorry you are going through this xx

ps I don’t see this sleeping arrangement as long term. Just a few weeks and emphasise that so he’s aware. If you don’t see yourselves housing him long term then say upfront you will help him find his place and be there for him. If you think house could work that’s your choice too.

It’s too late the damage was done when at 14 you kicked him out your home. You weren’t unreasonable to use the room after he’d been gone 2.5 years. He’s 17 now- not much you can do to help him now unless he wants it. Only thing to be done is contact social services as pps suggested.

This young adult told his ‘dad’ to fuck off and then blocked him. Now, years later he’s kicked off big-time because the ‘dad’ and the OP didn’t keep a room for the teen who told them to fuck off and blocked them?

This is a disturbed young man. That’s very sad and he needs help with that, but he clearly only went off with his ‘dad’ because he had nowhere else to go, not because he cares about him. The fact he was quiet for 24hrs could easily have been sulking, or because he was disappointed to find OP and the young DC there.

There is no way he can stay in the house, OP. It’s potentially unsafe for your DC. This is no judgement on this teen, just a fact. I suspect this young man not seeing his bio father has contributed to this. He sounds angry and disturbed. He needs support - but from professionals not you. Speak to SS. It’s not rejecting him - because he’s done a pretty good job of rejecting most of the adults in his life. He desperately needs some kind of counselling.

Yeah, some don't even seem the "motherly" type to be on this site

And slowly, and very slowly, he could try to form a bond with his brothers.

You mean his mum's ex partners children with his new partner? Hardly brothers!