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Original poster

To have got rid of stepsons room?

261 replies

Berfudia · 13/08/2025 16:28

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

OP posts:
taxidriver · 13/08/2025 19:41

does he have grandparents?

SL2924 · 13/08/2025 19:40

It’s not often I read something that makes me want to cry but this boy’s story is absolutely horrendous. Some kids don’t stand a chance. Poor lad.

Gagamama2 · 13/08/2025 19:37

Interesting how split down the middle the responses in this thread are.

I side with the posters who would help the 17 year old child, rather than washing hands of him. Much much easier said than done I admit.

however, you can’t have him in your house long term as he is a safeguarding issue to your twins.

because of this I would be contacting SS asap and seeing if there are any housing options they can provide, even temporary ones. Im not sure how much control you would have where in the country he was offered housing but I would try to get it as close as possible so your partner can continue supporting him in other ways. Im presuming that once the child turns 18, he will not be deemed a child in SS eyes and so will have to fend for himself (Or is it 21??)? If so this throws up a lot of problems because he does not sound ready to be a responsible adult due to his shitty upbringing, so things will fall to you. Hopefully he has only just turned 18 to give you and SS some time to put things in place and make a plan.

i wouldn’t write him off as completely fucked as 17 is still young, there’s still a lot of brain development to happen. I knew a lot of off-the-rail 17 year olds who became functioning adults. Likely a lot of his train wreck behaviour is stemming from feeling completely abandoned and anxious, having rock bottom self esteem, and anger. Hopefully this will improve with stability and clear expectations. Although it may take years; I very much doubt there’s going to be a hallmark movie about turn within a couple of months of you guys stepping up, sadly.

best of luck, such a shit situation for all involved except the bio mother who is to blame for the entire problem.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 19:36

thing47 · 13/08/2025 19:29

For about 4 years (while he was in a relationship with the boy's mother) well over a decade ago. Then they had a long-distance relationship and then for 2.5 years they had no relationship at all - there is nothing in OP's posts to suggest this would have changed if the boy's mother hadn't thrown him out. I'm not convinced this relationship is as close as you think it is.

In any case, one thing is absolutely certain - OP has no responsibility for this boy at all, zilch, nada. And she is completely within her right to say he cannot live with her and her young DCs.

Show quote history

Yes, the boy severed contact because he thought he wasnt wanted, after he was banned from the home due to his behaviour

I wouldnt have banned him, I would have tried hard to find another solution, but maybe the op felt that that was the only way, I dunno

Its disappointing that there was no contact for so long. But he raised this boy as his own and is the only father he has ever known

Poor kid - hope he gets the love and support he deserves, from the man who helped raise him

FedUp120028 · 13/08/2025 19:35

TheCurious0range · 13/08/2025 19:18

You might struggle to get social services to be involved with a 17 year old who isn't already a looked after child. Does he have social care involvement where he was living with mum?

I am not sure about this, when I was 16 nearly 17 I was taken on by social services and even placed on a child protection plan. However, I had left my parents house and moved out.

HopscotchBanana · 13/08/2025 19:35

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 19:20

The dad raised him from when he was young. You dont abandon the children you raise as your own.

Show quote history

What, you mean like the actual mother.

@Berfudia where's feckless mum's parents? Or the dad's parents. Zero grandparents exist?? Aunts? Uncles?

Farmwifefarmlife · 13/08/2025 19:31

Sounds tough op!

anyolddinosaur · 13/08/2025 19:31

Speak to social services. Maybe they could find him a foster home.

thing47 · 13/08/2025 19:29

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 19:20

The dad raised him from when he was young. You dont abandon the children you raise as your own.

Show quote history

For about 4 years (while he was in a relationship with the boy's mother) well over a decade ago. Then they had a long-distance relationship and then for 2.5 years they had no relationship at all - there is nothing in OP's posts to suggest this would have changed if the boy's mother hadn't thrown him out. I'm not convinced this relationship is as close as you think it is.

In any case, one thing is absolutely certain - OP has no responsibility for this boy at all, zilch, nada. And she is completely within her right to say he cannot live with her and her young DCs.

Original poster
Berfudia · 13/08/2025 19:23

TheCurious0range · 13/08/2025 19:18

You might struggle to get social services to be involved with a 17 year old who isn't already a looked after child. Does he have social care involvement where he was living with mum?

No, he's never been known to social services and this is my worry, or they'd try and house him somewhere unsuitable and he’d get worse with the drugs etc. Since being here he hasn't taken anything apart from the drink yesterday but if he is housed with other young men that possibly do drugs, he could end up being worse off. And if we told them we didn't want him here that could potentially impact him massively and I know posters say he's not our responsibility but in reality he has no one and he's only 16 and very young in the year so he could potentially have only just finished year 11 if he was kept back a year.

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 13/08/2025 19:22

MillyMolliMandi · 13/08/2025 19:16

MN can be a truely horrible place.

Yep.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 19:20

Bananachimp · 13/08/2025 19:18

Give the fuck over. He's been dumped on the not-dad because the mum is useless. He's not OPs problem whatsoever

Show quote history

The dad raised him from when he was young. You dont abandon the children you raise as your own.

Original poster
Berfudia · 13/08/2025 19:19

kkloo · 13/08/2025 18:59

The bruises on his wrist may well be from the stepdad grabbing him to try to stop him from wrecking his car or whatever he was doing.
It's not abuse to try to restrain him in those circumstances.

No you weren't unreasonable for getting rid of his room.

@Tofudinosaur had excellent advice here about taking him out and trying to talk to him 'man to man'.

That is a possibility and agreed that isn't abusive, but the way his mum was talking to DP about him does sound abusive (how can you not care what happens to your child?), and when he came back last night he told DP to just hit him and get it over with. DP has never hit him and never would

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 13/08/2025 19:18

You might struggle to get social services to be involved with a 17 year old who isn't already a looked after child. Does he have social care involvement where he was living with mum?

Bananachimp · 13/08/2025 19:18

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 16:37

I am usually hot on the shitty step parents

I think that you were very wrong to ban him from your home because he was pushing your 1yo. That could've been fixed with time and effort. But thats in the past.

His mum sounds shocking. She sounds as though she puts herself first, no wonder this poor boy is so angry.

I think that your husband sounds like a decent man, a really decent one. I think that, just because they dont share blood, doesn't mean that this boy isnt his responsibility.

And now that youre married to his dad, hes your responsibility too.

I think you should work on an approach to help the poor young man, that doesn't involve him living with your autistic sons. They may not share blood, but they share a dad, no matter how he came to be one.

The choice to be a dad isnt one that you drop because things get rough.

Could you work out renting a small place close by, with strict conditions re drugs and loud noise. The rest would fall on his dad's shoulders as to counselling him to be a good man, getting him back into school or work etc

And slowly, and very slowly, he could try to form a bond with his brothers.

Best of luck x

Edit, it will not be easy by any means. But its the right thing to do.

His mum doesn't want him. He knows it and I think that you know it. He needs somewhere else to stay and to have a break from her and her toxic ways.

Edited

Give the fuck over. He's been dumped on the not-dad because the mum is useless. He's not OPs problem whatsoever

NavyRose · 13/08/2025 19:17

Ultimately he's not your responsibility if it's too much. I do feel sad for the kid though.

MillyMolliMandi · 13/08/2025 19:16

MN can be a truely horrible place.

Wasitabadger · 13/08/2025 19:08

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 13/08/2025 18:15

Oh ok, calling a 17yr old "thing" is perfectly acceptable.
What is it with mumsnetters and "biology". They're not blood so get rid.
Anyone who has been adopted/fostered and reading these opinions on this site must feel like shit

Show quote history

As a survivor of the care system I actually see all perspectives. The biological mother’s and new parents behaviour's needs to be examined by SS. The boy may be troubled however taking drugs, violence and leaving education is partly a choice. Abusing young children at 14 is also partly a choice. Stealing from someone who has taken you in was a choice. However he does need support and if the OP and partner are willing to offer it then that is a positive with clear and consistent behavioural ground rules.

I dislike the whole holier and thou foster and adoption brigade. A majority of Care Leavers do. They want halos etc… forgetting to mention the money they make from fostering and the demands they make on the state for being adoptive parents. I had to escape abuse at 16 and make my way in the world with nothing this was in the 90s when there was limited support compared to today. I made mistakes and did not experience love until my thirties. However I have never been violent to another human being as an excuse for the abused I experienced.

hattie43 · 13/08/2025 19:07

He shouldn’t move in , he sounds far too disruptive . concentrate on raising your own children .

Original poster
Berfudia · 13/08/2025 19:06

DP tried to see him regularly even after he moved 3.5 hours away. Previously we had him EOW and holidays but when he moved it became a struggle and too expensive. Driving 14 hours in a weekend and realistically he was only here on a Saturday. He’d get here at about 7:30/8pm sometimes later on a Friday then DP would start driving him back at about 1 or 2pm on a Sunday so driving all that way for one day didn't benefit any of us really. Stepson also found it long and hated it, he'd constantly say “why did mum have to move so far”. Then he'd come during holidays, we took him on UK breaks and it was lovely. We didn't kick him out when he pushed one of our DC but I didn't feel my baby was safe, a teenager pushing him when he was learning to walk. I do believe it was due to the things his mum said. DP would pay for a hotel and spend the time with him doing what stepson wanted it was like this for another 6ish months then he started saying he didn't want to see him, told him to fuck off and blocked him. I don't believe not wanting him around our babies contributed to this. The hotel might’ve even been better for him anyway as in his mind he wasn't sharing DP’s attention with the twins or me.

Thank you to the poster who sent the link, I'll look at it later

OP posts:
mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 19:04

Manxexile · 13/08/2025 18:57

No.

I've said nothing about adoption and AIUI theOP's DP has not adopted this child.

I'm no expert but my understanding is that if you decide to adopt a child - a major decision - then you are in effect legally accepting that child as yours ie same as a biological child

Can you please point out to me where the OP has said that her DP adopted this kid 'cos I must have overlooked it

Show quote history

Then why are you mentioning blood? Lots of families dont share blood, it doesn't make them not family.

Raising a kid as your own isnt done on a whim. Its a choice and a commitment, and isnt to be thrown away because there's a new kid.

I cant argue tbh, your cruel way of thinking will never make sense to me, and I've made my point clearly

Manxexile · 13/08/2025 19:03

@Tofudinosaur - a game of golf?!?!?! 😂

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 19:01

Manxexile · 13/08/2025 18:50

Have you got a signed copy of this "vow"?

Where has a vow suddenly come from?

You're making stuff up to fit what you think people should do.

If you want to do it, you offer the kid a home

Show quote history

What?

He raised the kid as his own? That's vowing to be the kids dad

I'm offering my advice on a post asking for opinions about the situation

kkloo · 13/08/2025 18:59

The bruises on his wrist may well be from the stepdad grabbing him to try to stop him from wrecking his car or whatever he was doing.
It's not abuse to try to restrain him in those circumstances.

No you weren't unreasonable for getting rid of his room.

@Tofudinosaur had excellent advice here about taking him out and trying to talk to him 'man to man'.

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