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Original poster

To have got rid of stepsons room?

261 replies

Berfudia · 13/08/2025 16:28

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

OP posts:
Imperativvv · 13/08/2025 21:08

Whenyouknowbetteryoudobetter · 13/08/2025 20:58

Woah, some of the comments on here are shocking. This poor boy sounds like he has been through so much and clearly needs support that he isn’t getting from his mother.
I can’t tell you what to do but honestly if I were in this situation I would be getting him therapy, putting my twins back together so he can have his own room and really supporting him to get a job and know his worth. Showing him the love he needs and teaching him how to really behave. Perhaps with his mum out of the picture he will have a better chance.
if you send him home to his mum what will happen to him?

OP has specified that her autistic twins cant cope with sharing, so that isn't an option.

Beachwaves45 · 13/08/2025 21:06

So many of the posts on here are absolutely sickening.

The lad is 16 years old FFS, he's practically still a child! Yet a number of posters have such a dismissive attitude towards him, I actually wonder if they have the ability to feel compassion for another human being, and they should be ashamed of their comments. I'm so glad myself and other compassionate posters are not like them.

Everyone KNOWS that OP's partner isn't his biological dad, and that he hasn't 'legally' adopted him, but SO WHAT! Her partner clearly cares for the lad, so not sharing DNA or an adoption certificate doesn't mean a thing.

What matters is that the lad needs help, he's vulnerable, at a low point in his life, his biological parents are useless or aren't in the picture, so someone should help him before he goes on a massive downward spiral.
People aren't expecting the OP to have him stay in her home, but suggest that her partner should not just 'fuck him off back to his mothers ', as a few posters have demanded, because 'he's not their problem'. How disgusting.

OP, you sound caring and I hope you and your partner help his son out (I say son because your partner sees him as that) by getting him back on the right track and letting him know he's not alone in the World.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 13/08/2025 21:05

In your shoes, OP I would want this troubled young man out of your home.

Yes he’s been dealt a bad hand with his parents but his decisions to do terrible things are his decisions- pushing little babies over when he was 14 suggests that he has a violent and cruel streak.

You haven’t got room for this boy either and I wouldn’t be accommodating him to the detriment of my own children.

I would contact SS for support for him but he would not be staying another night.

DCorMe · 13/08/2025 20:59

Does DSS know that he isn’t birth dad?

Whenyouknowbetteryoudobetter · 13/08/2025 20:58

Woah, some of the comments on here are shocking. This poor boy sounds like he has been through so much and clearly needs support that he isn’t getting from his mother.
I can’t tell you what to do but honestly if I were in this situation I would be getting him therapy, putting my twins back together so he can have his own room and really supporting him to get a job and know his worth. Showing him the love he needs and teaching him how to really behave. Perhaps with his mum out of the picture he will have a better chance.
if you send him home to his mum what will happen to him?

TheDogOnlyEatsBiscuitsIfTheyreDippedInTea · 13/08/2025 20:57

researchers3 · 13/08/2025 20:56

How is he not his dad's 'problem'? No one wants this poor kids, his mum sounds thoroughly toxic. No wonder he's off the rails.

Show quote history

OPs partner isn’t the boys dad.

TheDogOnlyEatsBiscuitsIfTheyreDippedInTea · 13/08/2025 20:56

I feel sorry for the young lad, but being honest, I wouldn’t want anything to do with this situation. His own parents need to step up. He’s not your son, he’s not your partners son. If it was me, I’d be getting on with my life with my own children and telling my partner that I expect him to do the same.

researchers3 · 13/08/2025 20:56

Gymmum82 · 13/08/2025 16:37

Get him packed back to his mum. He’s not your problem. Nor your partners problem. I can’t believe he’d bring this thing back to his 2 tiny autistic children. Get him gone immediately

How is he not his dad's 'problem'? No one wants this poor kids, his mum sounds thoroughly toxic. No wonder he's off the rails.

Minnie798 · 13/08/2025 20:47

It's clear the teen has problems. That doesn't mean he gets to come into your home, start kicking off and acting like he's owed the world.
If him staying with you is an option, dp needs
to set non- negotiable rules around his conduct and behaviour. If he isn't prepared to follow the rules, he leaves. If he breaks them, he leaves. It can't be any other way, especially with young children in the house.
Your dp sounds like a good man.

Terfedout · 13/08/2025 20:46

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 16:37

I am usually hot on the shitty step parents

I think that you were very wrong to ban him from your home because he was pushing your 1yo. That could've been fixed with time and effort. But thats in the past.

His mum sounds shocking. She sounds as though she puts herself first, no wonder this poor boy is so angry.

I think that your husband sounds like a decent man, a really decent one. I think that, just because they dont share blood, doesn't mean that this boy isnt his responsibility.

And now that youre married to his dad, hes your responsibility too.

I think you should work on an approach to help the poor young man, that doesn't involve him living with your autistic sons. They may not share blood, but they share a dad, no matter how he came to be one.

The choice to be a dad isnt one that you drop because things get rough.

Could you work out renting a small place close by, with strict conditions re drugs and loud noise. The rest would fall on his dad's shoulders as to counselling him to be a good man, getting him back into school or work etc

And slowly, and very slowly, he could try to form a bond with his brothers.

Best of luck x

Edit, it will not be easy by any means. But its the right thing to do.

His mum doesn't want him. He knows it and I think that you know it. He needs somewhere else to stay and to have a break from her and her toxic ways.

Edited

I'm sure you mean well, but if they are renting (which I assume is because they cannot afford a mortgage.) How on earth do you think they can afford to just rent another property for him?

BadDinner · 13/08/2025 20:23

Berfudia · 13/08/2025 19:23

No, he's never been known to social services and this is my worry, or they'd try and house him somewhere unsuitable and he’d get worse with the drugs etc. Since being here he hasn't taken anything apart from the drink yesterday but if he is housed with other young men that possibly do drugs, he could end up being worse off. And if we told them we didn't want him here that could potentially impact him massively and I know posters say he's not our responsibility but in reality he has no one and he's only 16 and very young in the year so he could potentially have only just finished year 11 if he was kept back a year.

Show quote history

I know a young man in that position. In a hostel, previous drink and drugs problem.

Within weeks he successfully managed to order class A drugs through the post from a dodgy website, he's under huge pressure to fit in with other young men who are more criminally sophisticated. I suspect he was either going to attempt to sell it or did it for someone else who cannot buy stuff online for whatever reason.

Similar situation. Totally abandoned by his father who moved on and created another family (that he's still with) didn't make contact with him again until teen years and difficult relationship with the mother.

Abandonment is one of the most difficult psychologically and emotionally damaging things to cope with. It causes long term mental health problems in many. Having no home as a teen, whilst other nurtured teens in your cohort are being lovingly supported and guided by their parents to get a future, go to uni or do something worthwhile, while hardly anyone seems to give F about you...it's awful and inevitably these troubled and often socially maladjusted, self-medicating (substance abusing) young people become a huge burden to society in one way or another.

I'm extremely pro rights, pro people, pro democracy.

But when I see situations like this (and I have seen many) and the sad outcomes, I start thinking that the right to have children needs to be governed and restricted with a serious vetting process at population level somehow.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 13/08/2025 20:23

A 14 year old pushing little babies out of jealousy isn’t normal - at 14 you can tell damn well how fragile they are, it was already an indication of behaviour to come.

His reaction to the bedroom was normal due to being a kid, really, but you also weren’t wrong in wanting to use it. 2.5 years is a long time to wait for someone who may or may not come back into the house.

Considering the drinking and drugs, I’d either a) try to find accommodation and help from a distance or b) have a serious chat, set some strong boundaries and should he agree, see what happens.

I feel for him as he obviously has had a very troubled life and is finding unhealthy ways of coping, but you do have small children to consider too.

morellamalessdrama · 13/08/2025 20:23

A dad isn’t just by a blood relation, I’m shocked by some of these comments. My husband is my daughter’s dad. Not biologically but since she was 8 and shes now 27.

I can appreciate this is a really difficult time for you and your children. I would feel very proud of your husband for the way he is stepping up for his son in a way that other people in his life are not.

If I was you, I would give it some time. Don’t make any decisions about bedrooms and living situations for the moment. Give him a week or two to explain what is going on as there will be a reason why he’s acting the way he is. He needs support and nurturing.

taxidriver · 13/08/2025 20:14

i am sure social services would make allowances op.

Original poster
Berfudia · 13/08/2025 20:13

He doesn't see any of his dads family and I don't think he's met any of them. His mums family is quite small and I don't think he's close to them/they wouldn't take him in.

To the posters saying he isn't stepson because DP isn't his dad, he doesn't see it like that, and neither does DP. Stepson calls him dad etc, before he moved he was involved with his schooling, took him to his football club (and paid) and took him places etc etc exactly as a dad would do

OP posts:
Beachwaves45 · 13/08/2025 20:10

InterIgnis · 13/08/2025 17:49

It doesn’t have to be OP’s problem, or her DH’s though. Nor should it be.

If his mother can wash her hands of him then his mother’s ex certainly can.

Show quote history

Have you got a swinging brick for a heart?

MeridianB · 13/08/2025 20:08

He shouldn’t be in your home because he isn’t more of a priority than your twins.

But without parental responsibility your DH will find it hard to get official support. He needs to go back to his mother with a call to SS.

ScrollingLeaves · 13/08/2025 20:02

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2025 19:53

He thought he was coming home to a house he hadn’t been in since he was 14? No.

Show quote history

Probably his only home emotionally speaking.Yes.

Manxexile · 13/08/2025 19:58

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 19:04

Then why are you mentioning blood? Lots of families dont share blood, it doesn't make them not family.

Raising a kid as your own isnt done on a whim. Its a choice and a commitment, and isnt to be thrown away because there's a new kid.

I cant argue tbh, your cruel way of thinking will never make sense to me, and I've made my point clearly

Show quote history

You are right. Not all families share blood. But that isn't the definition of a family.

You can incude people in a family via certain legal or cultural cermonies eg marriage or adoption. This problem child is not part of the OP's and her DP's family. The OP's DP has never adopted this child. This 17 year old has no meanigful connection to the OP and her children at all. That's what matters

But you seem to think that "blood ties" are less significant or important than other relationships.

Let me ask you, in a life-saving situation if the OP's DP was in a position to donate bone marrow or a kidney either to the 17 year old child or to one of his own biological children to save their lives, but not both, what should he do?

And if you had the opportunity to donate a kidney to save the life of either a child or an acquaintance, who would you want to choose as the donee?

The acquaintance?

InterIgnis · 13/08/2025 19:55

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 19:20

The dad raised him from when he was young. You dont abandon the children you raise as your own.

Show quote history

His own parents have abandoned him, and they actually are the ones responsible for him. Not sure why you think OP’s DH (who isn’t his biological or legal father, or even his stepfather) can’t walk away from a responsibility that not only isn’t his, but wasn’t even his in the first place.

OP and her DH are responsible for their children, and the last thing they should be getting involved in is his ex’s shitshow.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2025 19:53

ScrollingLeaves · 13/08/2025 19:50

How awful this all is for you and the poor nobody’s child ‘stepson’ too. He thought he was coming home but home wasn’t there ( but I don’t blame you for using the room).

Could foster parents be found for him near by and your DH see him a lot and mentor him?

He thought he was coming home to a house he hadn’t been in since he was 14? No.

ScrollingLeaves · 13/08/2025 19:50

How awful this all is for you and the poor nobody’s child ‘stepson’ too. He thought he was coming home but home wasn’t there ( but I don’t blame you for using the room).

Could foster parents be found for him near by and your DH see him a lot and mentor him?

taxidriver · 13/08/2025 19:49

social services may well put him with foster carers which would be a positive outcome and mediate with his mother

TheCurious0range · 13/08/2025 19:48

Berfudia · 13/08/2025 19:23

No, he's never been known to social services and this is my worry, or they'd try and house him somewhere unsuitable and he’d get worse with the drugs etc. Since being here he hasn't taken anything apart from the drink yesterday but if he is housed with other young men that possibly do drugs, he could end up being worse off. And if we told them we didn't want him here that could potentially impact him massively and I know posters say he's not our responsibility but in reality he has no one and he's only 16 and very young in the year so he could potentially have only just finished year 11 if he was kept back a year.

Show quote history

You sound really caring OP and this is a difficult position for you all to be in. Can you DP talk to him explain he did always want to see him and wants to support him, but that brand tasting the family home at everyone is expected to. I agree with you in terms of homeless placements for young people of that age, they're not nice places. Can he get enrolled into a college to retake GCSEs or equivalent? If he's staying he needs focus and purpose

Kibble19 · 13/08/2025 19:47

I think you’re insane to allow this boy into your house. What level of abuse and violence does he need to demonstrate before enough is enough?

Try prioritising your small kids and not exposing them to this shit.

It’s besides the point what has or hasn’t happened to this boy; the bottom line is that he’s not safe to be around your young kids. This is his mother’s issue to deal with, not yours. If your husband doesn’t agree, then his priorities are seriously skewed.

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