Page 2 | To have got rid of stepsons room?

Berfudia · 2025-08-13T15:28:33+00:00

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway.. My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own. His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing. When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away. Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters. He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part. Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him. Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

thismummydrinksgin · 14/08/2025 17:35

I can’t believe people are saying to send him back to his Mom. I’d contact the local council and see if they have any adolescent support services and make him feel safe and wanted. Give him a chance for gods sake.

ScribblingPixie · 14/08/2025 17:20

Berfudia · 13/08/2025 20:13

He doesn't see any of his dads family and I don't think he's met any of them. His mums family is quite small and I don't think he's close to them/they wouldn't take him in.

To the posters saying he isn't stepson because DP isn't his dad, he doesn't see it like that, and neither does DP. Stepson calls him dad etc, before he moved he was involved with his schooling, took him to his football club (and paid) and took him places etc etc exactly as a dad would do

That's heartbreaking. I can tell by your posts that you're going to do your best for this boy, OP. If he calls your partner Dad that's it, really. He needs you.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 14/08/2025 17:08

Jackiepumpkinhead · 14/08/2025 16:41

Foster parents are paid approx £2000 per month per child where I live. I expect that varies by region but certainly not a ‘pittance’.

Show quote history

Well here it is £700 for child, £550 fee for "caring" per month. Maybe pittance is the wrong word but it's not enough to live on and have nice things/holidays/decent clothes, shoes and all the clubs/equipment and travelling plus money in a savings account. pm

Jackiepumpkinhead · 14/08/2025 16:41

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 14/08/2025 16:10

There will be no faux apology from me!! You need to hone your reading skills. I replied to gymum82, calling the boy "this thing" you obviously haven't read it all 🙄
YOU implied fc are in it for financial gain, some may be, some not (like us)
No one can guarantee that any child will not suffer damage as a result of childhood truama but I will do my damndest to try and mitigate that with love, cuddles, attention and experiences. My dfc is an established member of our family and will be part of our family until death.
Sorry you had a shitty time in the system 💐

Show quote history

Foster parents are paid approx £2000 per month per child where I live. I expect that varies by region but certainly not a ‘pittance’.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 14/08/2025 16:10

Wasitabadger · 14/08/2025 14:57

I have never used the term thing to refer to anyone. I look forward to your fake apology.

Oh gosh you spend your own money on your DFC should I clap my hands in delight. How do you guarantee your wee one is going to have the best life without trauma? There is no guarantee!!!

I grew up in a gilded cage. I was actually removed from poverty and placed in an upper middle class socioeconomic environment thank you for your presumption that money makes a difference. It allows you to have material things is all. Will you be seeking shared lives care once they turn 18 similar to others wanting the halo shining to continue not mentioning the financial aspects to shared lives. Your comments regarding spending above any beyond for your DFC are not the positive statement you think they are.

Show quote history

There will be no faux apology from me!! You need to hone your reading skills. I replied to gymum82, calling the boy "this thing" you obviously haven't read it all 🙄
YOU implied fc are in it for financial gain, some may be, some not (like us)
No one can guarantee that any child will not suffer damage as a result of childhood truama but I will do my damndest to try and mitigate that with love, cuddles, attention and experiences. My dfc is an established member of our family and will be part of our family until death.
Sorry you had a shitty time in the system 💐

Meandmyguy · 14/08/2025 15:01

Poor kid is hurting.

Wasitabadger · 14/08/2025 14:57

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 14/08/2025 13:17

OK, I may be holier than thou but I take umbrage to calling a troubled young man "thing"
Ps
The money we make from permanently fostering is a pittance, we spend over and above on our dfc and are both still working. You may have had a bad experience in the system and I'm truly sorry for that but our wee one is gonna have the best life and a decent savings account when older

Show quote history

I have never used the term thing to refer to anyone. I look forward to your fake apology.

Oh gosh you spend your own money on your DFC should I clap my hands in delight. How do you guarantee your wee one is going to have the best life without trauma? There is no guarantee!!!

I grew up in a gilded cage. I was actually removed from poverty and placed in an upper middle class socioeconomic environment thank you for your presumption that money makes a difference. It allows you to have material things is all. Will you be seeking shared lives care once they turn 18 similar to others wanting the halo shining to continue not mentioning the financial aspects to shared lives. Your comments regarding spending above any beyond for your DFC are not the positive statement you think they are.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 14/08/2025 13:20

Jackiepumpkinhead · 13/08/2025 18:52

Newsflash: lots of people on here aren’t mothers!

Show quote history

Yeah, its glaringly obvious!!

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 14/08/2025 13:17

Wasitabadger · 13/08/2025 19:08

As a survivor of the care system I actually see all perspectives. The biological mother’s and new parents behaviour's needs to be examined by SS. The boy may be troubled however taking drugs, violence and leaving education is partly a choice. Abusing young children at 14 is also partly a choice. Stealing from someone who has taken you in was a choice. However he does need support and if the OP and partner are willing to offer it then that is a positive with clear and consistent behavioural ground rules.

I dislike the whole holier and thou foster and adoption brigade. A majority of Care Leavers do. They want halos etc… forgetting to mention the money they make from fostering and the demands they make on the state for being adoptive parents. I had to escape abuse at 16 and make my way in the world with nothing this was in the 90s when there was limited support compared to today. I made mistakes and did not experience love until my thirties. However I have never been violent to another human being as an excuse for the abused I experienced.

Show quote history

OK, I may be holier than thou but I take umbrage to calling a troubled young man "thing"
Ps
The money we make from permanently fostering is a pittance, we spend over and above on our dfc and are both still working. You may have had a bad experience in the system and I'm truly sorry for that but our wee one is gonna have the best life and a decent savings account when older

Gagamama2 · 14/08/2025 08:38

ItsNotMeEither · 14/08/2025 07:08

It sounds like you genuinely care for this teenager. Is there a chance for you and DH to sit with him and sort out a plan? Is there and was to split any of the bedrooms with a room divider for the twins? Is your room the biggest? Could you Split that room for the twins, you and DH in the next largest room and the teen back in the small room. If he's calm, he's old enough to understand that using the room when he wasn't visiting, isn't a reflection of how you feel about him.

Can he put the past in the past?

This would have to go hand in hand with a solid plan for the future, either study of some kind and a part time job or full time work/apprenticeship.

This is a great practical suggestion. If the biggest room is big enough then there are lots of ideas on YouTube of how to split a room in two easily and without building work; I’ve seen people use ceiling height kallax units from ikea, for example

ItsNotMeEither · 14/08/2025 07:08

It sounds like you genuinely care for this teenager. Is there a chance for you and DH to sit with him and sort out a plan? Is there and was to split any of the bedrooms with a room divider for the twins? Is your room the biggest? Could you Split that room for the twins, you and DH in the next largest room and the teen back in the small room. If he's calm, he's old enough to understand that using the room when he wasn't visiting, isn't a reflection of how you feel about him.

Can he put the past in the past?

This would have to go hand in hand with a solid plan for the future, either study of some kind and a part time job or full time work/apprenticeship.

Tandora · 14/08/2025 06:14

Berfudia · 13/08/2025 19:06

DP tried to see him regularly even after he moved 3.5 hours away. Previously we had him EOW and holidays but when he moved it became a struggle and too expensive. Driving 14 hours in a weekend and realistically he was only here on a Saturday. He’d get here at about 7:30/8pm sometimes later on a Friday then DP would start driving him back at about 1 or 2pm on a Sunday so driving all that way for one day didn't benefit any of us really. Stepson also found it long and hated it, he'd constantly say “why did mum have to move so far”. Then he'd come during holidays, we took him on UK breaks and it was lovely. We didn't kick him out when he pushed one of our DC but I didn't feel my baby was safe, a teenager pushing him when he was learning to walk. I do believe it was due to the things his mum said. DP would pay for a hotel and spend the time with him doing what stepson wanted it was like this for another 6ish months then he started saying he didn't want to see him, told him to fuck off and blocked him. I don't believe not wanting him around our babies contributed to this. The hotel might’ve even been better for him anyway as in his mind he wasn't sharing DP’s attention with the twins or me.

Thank you to the poster who sent the link, I'll look at it later

I don't believe not wanting him around our babies contributed to this.

well that’s hopelessly naive.

Tandora · 14/08/2025 06:11

GlitchStitch · 13/08/2025 18:49

Also to everyone saying he's not his Dad, it's not clear if OP's husband feels that way. She says he treated him as his own, drove miles to have him EOW after they moved, and paid to take him to hotels to stay when he couldn't go to their home anymore. He also went straight over there to offer support when he heard he was struggling. All of that is far more than many biological fathers do.

This. I’m so sick of this obsession on mumsnet with DNA. DNA does not make a family- actual social relationships that exist in the real world, and the choices that we make to build / invest in them- that’s what makes a family.

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/08/2025 04:32

Sodastreamin · 13/08/2025 22:46

That poor boy I’m not surprised he’s so messed up. You got rid of him at the first sign of trouble and his mum told him his dad didn’t want him and what did your ‘DP’ do to try and convince him otherwise? Fuck all by the sounds of it!
Your sons are NOT more important than this child. Would you like your sons to turn out like this? Poor kid needs LOVE and is crying out for it. He needs his Dad desperately. Stop preventing that. And yes, I’m aware he’s not biologically related but he’s been his Dad for 16 years! MN is always full of complaints about grandparents not treating non-bio kids the same as grandkids and saying “What difference does biology make?” but yet in a situation like this and you’re all saying it’s ok, he’s not biologically related to the kid so wash your hands of him!! Hypocrites

Edited

Why the fuck are you talking to @Berfudia like that? I can only imagine you haven't actually read all her posts.

Tbh, she'll just ignore you like she's ignored all the ridiculous squabbling that's been going on between some other posters.

Isittimeformynapyet · 14/08/2025 04:04

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/08/2025 19:36

Yes, the boy severed contact because he thought he wasnt wanted, after he was banned from the home due to his behaviour

I wouldnt have banned him, I would have tried hard to find another solution, but maybe the op felt that that was the only way, I dunno

Its disappointing that there was no contact for so long. But he raised this boy as his own and is the only father he has ever known

Poor kid - hope he gets the love and support he deserves, from the man who helped raise him

Show quote history

I've only read 7 pages in.

You seem far more engaged in arguing with other posters than with the OP's other posts. If you've read them you'll have seen that she's actually very caring about the boy and willing to be supportive in some way.

Beachwaves45 · 14/08/2025 02:35

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2025 22:51

You do know OP’s DH is not his dad ?

Show quote history

You do know she's already said that in this post don't you? Honestly, why people don't actually read through properly and then try to point out the obvious baffles me on here.
And it doesn't matter at all that he's not his biological dad, OP's partner sees him as his son, that's the most important thing, and it's no business of yours dictating about the lack of DNA.

Oh, btw, you do know that he's not her DH don't you?

Dolphinosep0tatoes · 14/08/2025 00:51

Berfudia · 13/08/2025 21:42

I do like the idea of getting a blow up mattress and putting it in DS’s room as he co sleeps with us, all their toys are in the living room which makes stepson sleeping in there unrealistic as they get up much earlier than him. They did actually wake him up this morning and he wasn't angry or anything but I do want to avoid them waking him if possible

I will feel guilty if I just threw him out or even sent him back to his mums, as he's said his stepdad is abusive and the things his mum said to DP about stepson were cruel.

He came back not long ago, he isn't drunk or anything he just seems sad? His eyes are red but it doesn't seem he's been smoking weed he looks like he's being crying more than anything. When asked he just said he was “fine”

Poor, poor boy. I agree with everyone else saying try and find a way to make it work. You kick him out not, he's lost forever. He needs a loving family, who believe he's worthy.

I'm not saying it'll be easier, but it's the right thing to do.

InterIgnis · 13/08/2025 23:19

Sodastreamin · 13/08/2025 23:01

It apparently doesn’t matter when people post threads complaining that their partner’s parents refuse to spend equal £££’s on their DC as the ones they share with their new partner and everyone agrees “biology means nothing, they’re their grandkids”. Funny that!

OP is trying to do good for everyone - by banishing the child from the house completely after he did one (admittedly appalling but very fixable) thing?! Rightttt. Had that boy been OP’s own son she would not have banished him from the house I can pretty much guarantee that….

Show quote history

LOL, everyone does not agree on those threads. Far from it.

And sure, because there’s a big difference between ‘her son’ and ‘not her son’. Funny that.

TheDogOnlyEatsBiscuitsIfTheyreDippedInTea · 13/08/2025 23:08

Sodastreamin · 13/08/2025 23:01

It apparently doesn’t matter when people post threads complaining that their partner’s parents refuse to spend equal £££’s on their DC as the ones they share with their new partner and everyone agrees “biology means nothing, they’re their grandkids”. Funny that!

OP is trying to do good for everyone - by banishing the child from the house completely after he did one (admittedly appalling but very fixable) thing?! Rightttt. Had that boy been OP’s own son she would not have banished him from the house I can pretty much guarantee that….

Show quote history

I wouldn’t say that. Biology matters and so called step parents aren’t parents.

OP is prioritising her own children, as she should.

Sodastreamin · 13/08/2025 23:01

TheDogOnlyEatsBiscuitsIfTheyreDippedInTea · 13/08/2025 22:55

Since forever. But the main issue is that you are making out the OP is awful when actually she sounds like she is trying to do good for everyone, including this lad.

Show quote history

It apparently doesn’t matter when people post threads complaining that their partner’s parents refuse to spend equal £££’s on their DC as the ones they share with their new partner and everyone agrees “biology means nothing, they’re their grandkids”. Funny that!

OP is trying to do good for everyone - by banishing the child from the house completely after he did one (admittedly appalling but very fixable) thing?! Rightttt. Had that boy been OP’s own son she would not have banished him from the house I can pretty much guarantee that….

TheDogOnlyEatsBiscuitsIfTheyreDippedInTea · 13/08/2025 22:55

Sodastreamin · 13/08/2025 22:53

I HAVE read the thread thank you very much. He’s been his Dad since he was 1. Maybe read the thread properly?!?!

Since when did biology matter?!?!

Show quote history

Since forever. But the main issue is that you are making out the OP is awful when actually she sounds like she is trying to do good for everyone, including this lad.

Sodastreamin · 13/08/2025 22:54

Rosscameasdoody · 13/08/2025 22:51

You do know OP’s DH is not his dad ?

Show quote history

You do know that he’s been his dad for 16 years don’t you?!

Sodastreamin · 13/08/2025 22:53

TheDogOnlyEatsBiscuitsIfTheyreDippedInTea · 13/08/2025 22:51

OPs partner isn’t his dad, but actually OP is being very supportive, whilst prioritising her own children, like any good parent would. So maybe stop and read the thread.

Show quote history

I HAVE read the thread thank you very much. He’s been his Dad since he was 1. Maybe read the thread properly?!?!

Since when did biology matter?!?!

ScrollingLeaves · 13/08/2025 22:52

Sodastreamin · 13/08/2025 22:46

That poor boy I’m not surprised he’s so messed up. You got rid of him at the first sign of trouble and his mum told him his dad didn’t want him and what did your ‘DP’ do to try and convince him otherwise? Fuck all by the sounds of it!
Your sons are NOT more important than this child. Would you like your sons to turn out like this? Poor kid needs LOVE and is crying out for it. He needs his Dad desperately. Stop preventing that. And yes, I’m aware he’s not biologically related but he’s been his Dad for 16 years! MN is always full of complaints about grandparents not treating non-bio kids the same as grandkids and saying “What difference does biology make?” but yet in a situation like this and you’re all saying it’s ok, he’s not biologically related to the kid so wash your hands of him!! Hypocrites

Edited

I think the OP has shown a lot of sympathy. This is all just so difficult to sort out though.

TheDogOnlyEatsBiscuitsIfTheyreDippedInTea · 13/08/2025 22:51

Sodastreamin · 13/08/2025 22:46

That poor boy I’m not surprised he’s so messed up. You got rid of him at the first sign of trouble and his mum told him his dad didn’t want him and what did your ‘DP’ do to try and convince him otherwise? Fuck all by the sounds of it!
Your sons are NOT more important than this child. Would you like your sons to turn out like this? Poor kid needs LOVE and is crying out for it. He needs his Dad desperately. Stop preventing that. And yes, I’m aware he’s not biologically related but he’s been his Dad for 16 years! MN is always full of complaints about grandparents not treating non-bio kids the same as grandkids and saying “What difference does biology make?” but yet in a situation like this and you’re all saying it’s ok, he’s not biologically related to the kid so wash your hands of him!! Hypocrites

Edited

OPs partner isn’t his dad, but actually OP is being very supportive, whilst prioritising her own children, like any good parent would. So maybe stop and read the thread.