To have got rid of stepsons room?

How are things now?

The boy has useless parents, one's banged up and the other doesn't give a toss about him.
So what do you think should happen to the 16 year old, abandon him and let him get on with it, because 'ah well he's not the OP's problem?

I think you're forgetting one massive glaring detail, her partner SEES THE BOY AS HIS SON. Why on earth do you have such an issue with that? I'd be embarrassed to have a friend with an attitude like yours.

OPs partner isn’t the teens dad, his responsibility is to his two children. It’s his parents job ‘not to give up on him’.

Ive just gone back & read the op's opening post again & she clearly states that:

1. He was 'dad' to boy from 18months to 6 years.

1. After they split up he had very regular contact & regularly had him to stay as per a standard father type role. This continued from age 6 - 11. So 5 more years where this man was a father to the boy

1. When the boy was 7 the op & her partner got together. She says the boy is now 16 (soon to be 17) & she & partner are together 9 years making him 7 years old at that stage

1. So the op got together with a man who had split from the boys mother the previous year & very clearly knew that he had a father like role in the boys life. Especially since he was still having custody of him regularly for another 4 years after that

1. It's highly possible that the op also spent time witn him before his mother moved him away - there's a 4 year span there

1. The boys mother moved far away when he was 11 making it hard for him to keep up his visits to the partner. And at this same time the op & her partner decide to have a baby which turns out to be twins.

In my view the op's partner did come as a package with this kid. But that wasn't convenient after a while.

I don't think it does any child good to have adults in & out of their lives, picking them up when it suits & walking away when it doesn't.

This kid considered him his dad . the op clearly says so. Does that really count for nothing?

My point is anyone with half a heart can see that this kid has really had the shitty end of the life stick ALL his young life. He's still only 16!

He's too young for everyone to have given up on him!

He has no biological connection and cut all ties with your family - he is only back because his mum cannot be arsed dealing with his behaviour. It would be a big no from me as your children do not need that sort of behaviour and influence in their lives. They are your responsibility and with their autism you have enough to deal with. He goes and if necessary your partner with him.

@mumofoneAloneandwell Terrible advice.

Took drugs, told you to fuck off, stole, and assaulted four year olds*. You conveniently neglected to mention the latter two. Like I said, bleached. If this means I’m awful and was never a friend by your standards, then oh well.

I don’t care that he’s a child. In OP’s shoes I would not be inviting that chaos into my life to the detriment of my own family.

The op & partner chose to have 2 further children

Er, no, they didn't. They chose to have children. Neither of them had children before they had children together, there's no 'further' involved here. Why does OP have any responsibility to an unrelated teenager before making that decision?

To draw any sort of equivalence between that and the behaviour of the child's actual mother is grossly unfair and, frankly, slightly silly.

@ScrollingLeaves truthfully I dont have an answer.

None of the grownups in this kids life fully considered him in the choices they made for themselves. He was expected to suck up all that chaos & somehow, magically, come out the other side unscathed.

If we wonder how / why there's a breakdown in society (and there IS) this thread totally illustrates how its happening.

And he's just one of many, many kids this is happening to up & down the country.

Anyway if I could wave a magic wand I'd put kind hearted, calm, loving, educated people in his life who could take him under their wing & nurture him & help him see all the potential thats undoubtedly in him. They'd give him a stable anchor in life so he could start building his own.

But its unlikely that that will actually happen.

The next best thing would be that at a basic human level the op & her partner realise that they are probably all this kid has right now.

They could sit with him & discuss what's happened in his life & reassure him they will help him to get the help & support jd needs. If he wants that. If they can work together. They could build trust with him.

Get him a gp referral so he might get some therapy to help him process everything

They could help him explore apprenticeships or getting back into college - perhaps one where there's accommodation

They could make the difference to helping him realise he has worth & value & he matters as a person

Right now he has to feel utterly worthless- he's been discarded like an unwanted piece of rubbish by his mother.

The op & her partner could help him explore if there are any extended family/ relatives he could build a relationship with (unlikey)

This op has 2 children of her own who have additional needs & they will presumably rely on the kindness of others throughout their lives to have any chance of having a life especially once op isn't around anymore. Would she be happy for them to be homeless, sleeping on the streets?

Sadly I suspect this lad's fate will not be good. And that's heartbreaking to consider.

Bravo for your post which so eloquently and empathetic ally lays out the disaster of the boy’s life.

But I think here you are not quite fair:
I think your partner is a kind hearted man who accepted the very important role he played in this boys life & i think you never accepted that.

I think that OP does know all this in her heart of hearts, even if she might partly also have thought (or been have been hoping to hear from pp) that the boy is not her problem.

What would you advise her to do, step by step, @NonHighStreetClothes ? (Real question.) I am not quite sure.

I shall try again for a final time. While you may not have intentionally meant to suggest that I used the word ‘thing’ to describe another human being. You responded directly to my commentary on the situation described by the OP. You did not tag the other user as the author of the ‘thing’. Therefore a reader could reasonably believe that I was the writer that described a human being as a ‘thing’. That is why I am offended. While I am not a perfect individual and I am guilty of making mistakes. I have very strong views on language that describes negative characteristics or challenges of individuals within SEND and CEP communities. I do always admit that academically, personally and professionally I struggle with the financial aspects of fostering and adoption. This due to experiences of being treated as though I was a commodity as a child not a human being. I recognise that there are excellent foster carers and adopters. However, the reality is that it is a commercial enterprise.Organisations and LA included advertise it as a job and career. Foster and adoptive parents can change their minds and for want of a better word return the child/young person as though they are a commodity. You maybe one the genuine individuals. I do not have a way of knowing this though. I genuinely hope the child in your care feels love and acceptance. Is able to thrive and flourish into a healthy stable adulthood with support from you, your family, friends and professionals. However, you need to recognise that those who have negative experiences of the system are cautious and cynical for good reasons. It was never a personal attack on you. While I shall defend myself, I try hard to challenge ideas and systems not individuals unless I have certainty they need to be challenged.

This is an awful situation! That poor kid. What a rotten life he's been subjected to because he had the misfortune to have been born to two parents who were incapable of parenting him properly.

Why is everyone so quick to believe the lying bitch mother? She was v quick.to tell terrible lies about OP's partner when it suited her narrative. So why just accept everything she says about the boy is true?

Given everything he's been through & all the rejection in his young life, plus his age etc it would be very surprising if he wasn't angry & lashing out

He's practically a poster boy for the 'blended family' kid that falls through the cracks of new lives & new families being prioritised.

His mother clearly isn't the brightest spark. Op's partner is the nearest thing this boy has had to a father & clearly they had a strong bond until the adults relationship broke down. I think it's admirable that the ops partner attempted to keep the contact up, providing some element of stability for the kid.

But i guess he fell through the cracks again when the op came on the scene & they had their own kids. Then he became an inconvenience. Again.

If he'd been your partners biological son & he was jealous of the new babies & pushed the 1 year old would you have kicked him out? Or if he was your own older son? I think we all know the answer is no.

So where does that leave this kid who now has noone to turn to. Noone fighting for him. He HAS to be feeling worthless & sad & scared & ANGRY at how every adult in his life has let him down. He didnt choose any of you but you all chose to get involved in his life through the choices in relationships made by adults.

His mother chose to have a kid with a man who ended up in prison.

This boy knows his biological father is a convicted criminal

The op's partner chose to have a relationship with the kids mother in the full knowledge that she had a baby.

When they split the partner chose to keep contact with him (a good choice)

the mother chose to have another relationship with a clearly unevolved violent man & his existing children. And they chose to have yet another child.

The op chose to have a relationship with her partner in the full knowledge that he had a vulnerable child in his life & that he had stepped into the role of dad there

The op & partner chose to have 2 further children.

The 17 year old had zero choice in ANY of these huge life changing (for him) events

But where does that leave him? Nowhere. Nobody wants him. Or his trauma messing up their new lives. He's surplus to requirements & he knows it. It must hurt like hell to feel totally expendable.

He needs someone to be strong. To tell him (even if he appears to not be listening) that they're on his side & he can get his life on track. He needs therapy & a secure base where there's not the constant threat of being told leave.

Sadly there does not appear to be anyone in his life who can provide that for him. And there never really was.

He's had 3 men in his life that have all failed him. His mother has rejected him in an incredibly cruel way. He's been replaced by new kids / family set ups in all the homes he's had. He's been lied to & led to believe all sorts of awful stories. He's experienced a violent stepfather. All that & he's only 17..

I feel profoundly sorry for him. I doubt he's going to have a good chance at turning things around for himself at this stage as he simply doesn't have the tools

Why do so many people have children they can't look after. His story is just so depressing.

And the attitudes from the majority of posters is even more depressing. I think each one of you should think - if you dropped dead tomorrow & your young kid was now subjected to a similar life of new families/ kids / rejection etc - would you be happy for everyone to walk away from them?

I dont know what the answer is op as clearly you didnt want this boy as soon as you had your own kids. He was a drain on short supply resources of time, effort, focus, money etc. I think your partner is a kind hearted man who accepted the very important role he played in this boys life & i think you never accepted that.

Read it again! Where did i say you?

If OP's partner views him as his son (which he obviously does), that's all that matters.

And it's not 'bizarre' whatsoever that he allowed sleepovers, as he was in this boys life from the age of 18 months, raised him as his own child and formed a father son bond with him.
What's 'bizarre' is your whole ridiculous statement.

I'm sure it s friend acted out of character, took drugs and told you to fuck off, you'd try and help them get back on track before cutting them out your life, and if you wouldn't then wee you even a friend?
And in this situation we're on about a child whose clearly hurting and lashing out, to turn your back on him without trying to help him is awful, add to the mix that the partner clearly cares for him else he wouldn't have stayed in his life all these years,

He is not ur step son, he has no blood or legal relation to ur partner. Fine if your partner wanted to keep in touch with him but to allow him to have sleepovers at your house when he was younger is bizarre. And the fact his mum allowed it is even more weird. But she already sounds like a deranged mother. Contact ss as the boy isn’t your problem and your kids shouldn’t be witnessing this.
it’s ridiculous that he thought his bedroom will remain as it is.

The kid isn’t even analogous to a friend to OP.

If my friend had told me to fuck off years ago, was habitually using drugs and stealing, and was prone to shoving four year olds then yes, my hands would be bleached. The last thing I would be doing is playing white knight and inviting that chaos into my life.

And as far as I can tell, the OP and her DP are not married.

This is quite a turn from "when a step-parent gets divorced, they have no say or control of step-child". I guess that rule only applies when it's convenient for the commenter, or the child doesn't jump the rails.

If it takes a "village", as a few have commented, why are they not stepping up to help this child? I bet 24 hours with one of them and the young man would be totally sorted, at least it seems that way.

The young man needs help, but it sounds like OP and her DP do not have extra funds or room to spare, nor should they go into debt to help. SS can help the ym, her DP can be a physical presence in his life, without having the OP's young children be in danger by having that sort of instability in the house.

Would you (or anyone else who bangs on that he's not the OP's partner's responsibility because he's not blood related) wash your hands of a friend if they needed you at some point?

After all, they're not your 'responsibility' either are they? as they're not related to you. So why would you bother to try and help them.

“OK, I may be holier than thou but I take umbrage to calling a troubled young man "thing"
Ps
The money we make from permanently fostering is a pittance, we spend over and above on our dfc and are both still working.

I have bolded the first section of your direct reply to my post. I do not believe it is I that needs to hone my reading skills. The text that was posted under your username clearly implies that I have referred to an individual as a “thing” this is not true in any shape or form.

So this is someone that your DP treated as his son, but is only HIS stepson, and so no direct relation to you apart from you being DP’s DP? He is not a blood relation to DP?

This is a situation of his DM’s making, and she needs to solve is with the 17 yo’s ACTUAL DF.

You and DP have 2 DS, with additional needs, and no room to house someone who is not your direct responsibility. And someone who is dangerously off the rails by your accounts, which is not a good situation for your 2 toddlers to be in. Let alone DP and you.

I know DP may feel a responsibility for this young man, but he doesn’t actually have a responsibility here. And hard as it is, he really ought to make that clear to the DM.

I said repeatedly that I wish the op well, and have liked her posts updating us

Never once bashed the op

And I responded to people taking aim at me for defending this boy, nothing else

I think you might be projecting, OP's partner is not this boy' father. OP's partner does not have kids so your last paragraph is irrelevant and inapplicable.

What a mess! He needs some help and guidance but its hard for you with ASD twins - my children are ASD and it would be a nightmare and we have more space, it would atill
be a
mare!
his mum really needs to buck up her ideas and sort him out and make sure nee new husband isn’t abusing him, but he’s on a road to junkie / no career at best they way he’s currently heading.