Have I got it wrong or SIL

Surely a 3.5 year old is rather old for a daily nap anyway?

I think a lot of this stuff about routines comes because so many kids are in nursery now and it suits the nursery to have routines. Snack, lunch, nap - all rigidly enforced to suit the setting.

in my day (I’m old) it was much more free flowing - a nap in the stroller or indeed no nap after they turned two; a late lunch or dinner because of circumstances; late nights on holidays. It was all fine. And my two have grown into well regulated, well behaved, fit and health young men. I never took them away from a good time for a ‘routine - if they were too tired or hungry, they’d let me know.

Sometimes I don’t think people enjoy parenting as much as we did (and we both worked!). Too much judgement going on.

I firmly believe in routine. My kids were down at 7.30-8pm, slept thru from about four months. It meant I had a child free evening with my husband. I was less strict during the day, but made sure they were up from a nap for a few hours before bedtime. The parents that didn’t have much of a routine had little adult time, frequent cranky kids.
Once nursery/school starts they may find it an adjustment. However, I also believe you parent however you want to, as long as you are not harming the child. If her way works for them, fine.
Tell your SIL that your routine works well for you so are sticking to it.

There's a happy medium between the two surely.

I'm always amazed when I read about people on here sitting in hotel rooms in the dark on holiday as they're kids are asleep for the night ... at about 8pm. Might as well have stayed at home.

You are being judgemental and want everyone to agree with you that a strict routine is best. Routine can be good, but it isnt necessary for every child and family, and it isn't wrong to not have one either.

Also just for the record re processed food, as you chose to make a comment about your nephew and his diet. My child eats some processed foods. Unfortunately, despite my efforts to try and get him to eat a more varied , healthier diet, he won't. I keep trying though! He is on the 98th centile for height , not remotely overweight.

Every comment you have made is a judgement of her parenting style!

She shouldn't have commented on your parenting style. You shouldn't be here commenting on hers.

I imagine both of you are looking for external validation that you are doing parenting right. It's impossible to get every single aspect of parenting right. Pick the things you want to follow for your family and ignore how everyone else does it.

But that is also having a routine to suit you rather than your child!

No one way is right. I come from an ethnically Indian family. Discipline and routine is quite strong, but children do not tend to sleep early and can often be kept up late for festivals, weddings and events. Also depends on your own lifestyle. Constantly keeping a child up till late would cause them to be very tired in the week, which would be difficult if you are working.

Wow OP, you do sound very rigid in your approach. At the same time, your SIL sounds a little too relaxed in hers.

There is a middle ground you know…and no real need to be quite so rigid/fixed in your routines.

As others have said, you don’t (shouldn’t!) change everything about your life just because you’ve got children.

Chill out a bit…it will be ok! (And your kids will still thrive…possibly even more so actually!)

I don’t think there’s one right answer, you don’t NEED strict routines, it’s up to the parent and what works for that family but there is no universal need to plan your entire day around their naps & meal times.

Everyone is different, but she shouldn't be making digs at you about your choices.

When DD was a baby, she went where I went, I didn't want to be tied to the house, so had no set naptime, she just slept wherever she was, car, supermarket, shops, park, whatever.

My friend's baby went down twice a day at set times. I didn't want to be restricted around a baby's naps, so didn't have set times.

We did not criticise each other for doing it differently. You know what works best for your DC for them to not be tired.

So you think their parenting (assume your brother is also a parent to these kids?) has caused their child to be short and underweight.

My 3yo is also short (below second centile) I’ll file it away that it’s my shit parenting! Because my child mostly stopped napping at two - I’d have liked to see you get him to sleep. And my child only sleeps 9-10 hours at night - again, I’d love to see you get him to sleep more! He’s not really fussed about a routine, he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired. He’s also a very happy, bright and kind boy who, other than being short which isn’t a flaw, is the picture of robust good health.

You’re being incredibly judgemental about someone else’s parenting and clearly angling for everyone to tell you what a wonderful mother you are. And I’m sure you are. But your SIL is probably a wonderful mother too, I’m fairly sure I’m no slouch either. We just do things differently, to suit our individual needs. Both ours and our children.

I think you are judgemental, the comment about his height and weight suggest you feel superior.

Strongly disagree that kids need such strict routines. This idea about routines being essential is common in the UK and not at all common in many other countries. I thought it was normal too until I started to travel and live abroad and found that it's not necessary to have strict routines and it makes the lives of children and adults harder and less enjoyable!

You're both the extremes. Your life sounds very controlled.

I always made sure mine had good sleeps, 2hr nap and 11/12hrs a night but the nap would be anywhere between 11-3 depending on the day. I certainly never staying in until after naps. Food times as well would flex around our day.

We did stay out for a few special occasions but never regularly, weddings, Xmas, family parties etc.

You are both at opposite ends of the extreme.

We parent in the middle. Aren't rigid but have a schedule. Also have changed our lifestyle a bit but still enjoy the odd late night.

Also low centile doesn't mean there is an issue like your post suggests. I have naturally low centile children (5-15th), some days they only eat junk espically when we have family over or are visiting family. It doesn't happen every day but sometimes its not worth the fight and a few biscuits are fine.

I don't think either of you are wrong - you're both doing what you think is best for your children and your family.

She indirectly said that I should be doing whatever I want

But you are doing what you want. You are implementing the routines you want so that your life works well.

She is following a more lazy relaxed approach which works for her (if not for her 'underweight', 'short' child).

She is judging you, and you are judging her.

When she 'indirectly' says you should be doing whatever you want, say, but I am. This is what I want to do. Isn't it interesting that we are all different?

You say you didn’t comment on how your SIL (and that would be your brother too) parents but seem to insinuating that her lack of routine is a contributing factor to her child being short. Having no set routine doesn’t make a child short and obviously if he is short he is bound to also be on the lower percentile form weight too, that doesn’t make the child underweight.
You haven’t said which country they live in but many cultures views on children being out at night are vastly different, it doesn’t make it wrong because it’s not what you do.

Oh come on, you very clearly judge her.

I always find it interesting when people say they didn’t change anything about their lives post kids and they ‘just fit in’. It’s less of a judgement and more of a “how is that even possible”? My DCs turned my life upside down!

I’m definitely on the more flexible end routine wise (eg I don’t care when or how they nap but they do need a nap before we go to dinner so I can have a semi-enjoyable meal) but I couldn’t do regular 1am - 8am snoozes and nor could my Dcs. If I went away with people who did, I’d maybe do it a couple of times if there was a good reason (eg an event or special meal) but I wouldn’t just stay up to be polite, especially if my DCs were overtired messes. I wouldn’t mind being judged for ‘pandering’ etc. - just doing what I need to to survive!

I guess ultimately everyone is in charge of their own kids and are free to set things up as they wish. I don’t think there should be pressure or comments either way. Your SIL isn’t ‘right’ to suggest you should change - you’ve done it long enough to work out what works best for you guys.

Sure, but as the OP has created an internet thread basically inviting strangers to join her in condemning her SIL’s parenting (the DB seems curiously absent from all this) and saying his poor diet has made her child underweight and tiny fir his age, I suspect the criticisms aren’t all one-sided.

This is all you need to know.

Parenting is hard enough. Judging other parents for doing things differently is nasty.

Unnecessarily horrible post OP.