Have I got it wrong or SIL

My kids are adults now but I look back and cringe at a camping trip when they were about 1 (twins) and I made everyone wait on the campsite whilst they had a nap in their travel cots 😬before a day out.

You parent your way.
They parent their way.

When you are the guest and being hosted, you need to accept some need to adapt to your hosts way of living.

Personally I agree with your way of doing things but what other people do is up to them and none of your business. If your dc and you and your partner are happy then just stick with what you are doing.

My philosophy for parenting was to try and be in tune with my children’s changing needs and work with them. Sometimes they go through growth spurts where they need more rest or more food. Sometimes they’re unwell.
if I was too rigid with my routine it wouldn’t work. But they do need some routine for sure.
sounds like your both on totally different ends of the patenting style spectrum.
by being flexible with routine they can cope when things change and not have a meltdown about it.

So were her kids having meltdowns etc? or are you talking hypothetically about which way is better?

I also think there is a middle ground, she may have been mentioning it to try and get you to relax a little while you were on holiday, you do sound extremely rigid in your thinking which can cause a lot of unnecessary stress IMO, without considering that if you just let the routine slide a little, it wouldn't be quite as bad as you think it would.

we are somewhere in the middle, we don't demand our child fit our schedule, but we don't pander to nap times, meal times, bedtimes, ESPECIALLY when on holiday.

Also, for info, our DD dropped her daytime naps when she was just under two, she has never ever napped in the day since then, unless she was ill or didn't sleep well the night before, it can happen naturally.

So the kids were sleeping then? Just not in their beds?

I think a lot of it is cultural differences then as well. I remember many nights sleeping in cushions in the corner of a floor, or on a sofa/ bench/ on my mums lap while she chatted away and laughed with her friends until the early hours of the morning. The sleep in the car on the way home was always elite, as was being carried back to my bed from the car while pretending to be asleep.

Those are some of my fondest memories from growing up - it’s also nice for kids to see their mums relaxed and in fun person mode rather than mum mode. Also as an adult my biggest flex is I can literally fall asleep anywhere - overnight bus, plane, park bench, lights on/off, loud music/silence, sitting down/upright- my husband is so jealous of that.

Im a very routine person and always have been with the kids. I needed my sleep and didnt matter what time I kept them up to they still got up at 6am.
Friend was very go with the fllow and no routine.

Yes, that’s a fair point!

I love a good routine and I absolutely wouldn't have mine sleeping in a buggy at 1am.

No one has got it all wrong though, just different preferences.

Everyone parents differently - you and her sound very different.

As was I and my siblings when parenting.

If theirs works for them and yours for you, you do you and let them do them. Unsure that him being small is relevant TBH ! He could have a later growth spurt.

Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. Neither of you is "right" just have different beliefs.

I think that most parents are in between because everyone has to get up and go to work/nursery in the morning and leave home by like 7:30am.

I was more like you and my husband's sister was more like your SIL. I was incredibly judgy of her and convinced I was the one doing parenting 'right'.

That was 30 years ago now. All the cousins have grown up happy, healthy and successful in their own ways (not perfect any of them, but pretty damn good). They are all very close, a loving extended family.

Turns out I wasn't the expert I thought I was!

Obviously a 1am bedtime and only eating crisps and biscuits for lunch is not okay for a 3-year-old, there’s being relaxed and there’s being near neglectful.

That said, there’s no need to be unnecessarily rigid either. Baby/ toddler can nap in the buggy or car when put and about and there’s no harm in adjusting mealtimes to fit with the days plans. The two of you sound at either end of each extreme where the ideal is probably somewhere in the middle.

Our kids have always gone along with whatever we were doing. e.g we wouldn’t go home for bedtimes if we were going out but my kids would happily fall asleep on a friends sofa or in their pushchair if we were away on holiday so we could all have the best of both worlds. With regards to meals, again we are flexible e.g if you want dessert before dinner, that’s fine but you will eat your dinner or else next time you don’t get dessert until after dinner. People often comment about how amenable my children are and I do genuinely believe part of this is due to the flexible parenting approach we have. You both sound to be polar opposites and so I hope you can find a happy medium to get you through the holiday.

I think it depends on the children. Mine need routine and structure even on holiday we follow roughly the same pattern as otherwise they are tired and grouchy which isn't fun for anyone!

Some children adapt fine to flexible timings and it's definitely a southern European way of kids up late (but generally they have a long nap in the afternoon) dinner late etc.

My children do not! We can stretch them about an hour later for dinner and an hour or so for bedtime but that's it. We have ruled out going on holiday to certain countries whilst they are small because of this!

It's fine for your SIL to follow what she wants to do. If your children need more structure also fine neither is wrong in approach it's personal preference and knowing your children.

It comes across as you think your way is better, we were in a routine mainly when we could but went with the flow if around other people our way was no better than anyone else's

I was strict with sleep routines when mine were younger. It worked much better for us as a family and the kids were happy on routine. My youngest was actually more routine led than the older one. She couldn’t cope at all with a late night or missing a nap window and needed dark and silence. Older one could sleep in a buggy and was a bit more flexible but kept her nap for an extra year compared to the younger one. I found the period of multiple naps tough going but in the scheme of things it’s such a short period of time, it’s not that big a deal

As they’ve got older their natural preferences have emerged. older one is an owl but will take herself to bed early if she’s tired. She is not an early riser by any means but doesn’t tend to have epic lie ins. Younger one needs a reasonable bed time as a late night makes her ratty but catches up with a massive lie in past 10am every so often.

She indirectly said that I should be doing whatever I want

You are doing what you want, and so is she. The two of you aren't co-parenting any children, so there's no need for your parenting styles or philosophies to match. If she pushes you to adopt her routine, just tell her that your household has developed a routine that works for everyone, adults and children, and you're sticking to it as long as it's working.

Both of you sound at completely opposite ends of the spectrum. Everyone is parenting the child that they have, perhaps as their child is small and potentially underweight they have been told that giving processed foods here and there is acceptable as a means of encouraging their child to eat more. Their child might also have lower sleep needs etc.

Framing it as one of you has it right and one of you has it wrong is unnecessarily harsh when you're just two families trying to do their best.

My sister was absolutely obsessed with her kids' routines. It was so bloody tedious. She expected everyone to dance to the tune of her kids' routine. She now has 3 teens who have grown up being taught that the world revolves around them. So that's fun.

but I think it's not always about what parents want when the kids are little babies and toddler, they need to be consistent with the food and nap times

We never were. Good times fitted in around what was going on at the time. Nap times were always dictated by when/if the kids were tired, never at a specific time. Sometimes that meant one started napping 15mins before you were due to leave for a school run and had to be woken up, oh well, such is life. They then just tended to have an extra early bedtime that night. No biggie. It all rubbed along and everyone lived.

ETA - while we didn’t really do ‘routine’ at the best of times, absolutely no way we would have on holidays. We only got a family holiday roughly once every three years, no way we were all spending it around different age kids/babies naps or some pre-dictated meal times! Babies were in carriers and slept when they needed and toddlers in prams and same, fell asleep in that if/when they got tired. Older kids went with the flow as that’s how they lived.

I have two sisters. One has changed her entire life. Strict routines - up at X time, in bed by X, not a minute later. Dinner is a half hour slot, they have to eat lunch at a certain time. She gets very anxious when the routine is disrupted. Even on holiday or Christmas Day, the routine is followed to a tee.

The other just goes with the flow. The kids eat when they’re hungry. If they’re tired during the day, they nap, if they’re not, they don’t. They go to bed when they’re tired (within reason, if they’re not tired at 8pm, for example, they have to get into bed and read or play quietly in their room). If they’re up too late and tired the next day, that’s their own fault and they’ve learnt not to do it again.

The second lot of kids are much, much happier than the first. They’re more content, better sleepers, better eaters, less fussy, they can entertain themselves.

It’s just about what works best for you and baby. I had a routine and mine always had healthy food and nap times and bed times were always adhered to it was restrictive and exhausting at times but I stuck to it when babies and toddlers. As I felt it was the only way I could cope.

Most of my other friends were much more chilled than me. Some out with babies, babies passed around umpteen people when little, going to stay with GP’s over night when they were days old, took them to BBQ’s at days old and on holiday aboard when only months old, people could visit whenever they liked when first home from hospital etc. Some friends I was envious of how chilled out and relaxed they were but others I felt sorry for the babies and children.

You just need to do you and you and SIL should both keep your ideas and opinions to yourselves.

"Never judged her parenting style" indeed... it's hard to see how you could be more judgemental!