Have I got it wrong or SIL

In “Asia” .. really. What, the whole entire continent of Asia … ? 🤣🤣

I am also very strict when it comes to routines and plan everything around it for my family (meaning kids and husband). When you go and visit someone you sort of adjust to your host, especially if its a short visit, if its too much then dont visit again until kids are older or let them visit you so you can continue your routines.

her parenting style from what you said is shocking, i agree, but still, you can go to someone’s house and expect them to follow your routines

This

First post nailed it - you both sound extreme. But she sounds quite fun and you sound extremely judgmental. She’s also a more experienced parent than you and it’s likely you will chill out more as your kids get older.

Neither of you is wrong. You are doing what works for your families. The only thing that's wrong is deciding the other one is doing it wrong!

Exactly what i was going to say

You went to stay for a few weeks - I bet they were fed up of you. That is far too long to impose yourself on anyone.

I've never been a stickler for routines but with my 4th I stick to his sleep routine for his sake and my own sanity

Keeping a 3 year old up till 1am sounds miserable. As a one off, travelling for example, sometimes things like this have to happen but, on a regular basis, it sounds very tough on the kid. I’m all for leaving people to their own parenting style but you have to draw the line somewhere.

Think it depends on the baby really. My first was easy so could slot her in around my life. The second was not so easy, I had to plan things around her!

Well yes, your children need this because you have provided this lifestyle for them. Her child needs something else because that's what they are used to. You both need to leave each other alone as all of these children sound cared for and loved and that's the only important thing.

If you were constantly not able to do xyz because of some forced schedule you created that would be super annoying. If she was constantly changing everything around and insisting you join in on everything while solo parenting in a foreign country with two small children, she's super annoying too.

I think in future you should just not stay with her and get somewhere for yourself. Then you can meet up for something each day and go back when it suits you.

I was super structured with my kids - we had times and expectations for almost everything. But on holiday with other people that just had to move around somewhat to be friendly and to be able to join in on things. But you can do whatever you want with your own kids - as she can with yours.

If this is how you were talking about her parenting the whole time I can see why it didn't go very well! You sound super judgemental.

Perfect 👌🏻 answer !!! As long as the children are thriving that’s all that matters x

I’m with your SIL on everything except the biscuits for lunch thing. I had no desire to be trapped in an endless cycle of it’s ’nap time’, it’s ’play time’, its ’bath time’. My child did fit into our lifestyle, he travelled, he went to parties, we went out at night and he was good as gold. If we knew we’d be out late then he’d have an extra nap either before or the day after. Some kids thrive on a rigid life regime (though I suspect it’s more for the parents) and some kids don’t!

Neither of you are right and neither are wrong. You are just parenting your own way. I will say I was more routine based and for a lot of criticism from DHs family. They are from a different country where it is the cultural norm to be be more relaxed, babies out till 1am etc. We got constant little digs but it was the best thing we did for child's sleep and our own sanity. I just smiled and said 'oh, that's nice' everytime they told me about kids just sleeping wherever and whenever and then didn't engage in the conversation anymore.

Edit to add that I also got comments about thow all the kids they knew ate everything and never complained in response to my 'precious' approach to weaning. I was packing homemade meals and different fruit and veg each day which weren't always met with enthusiasm. The other parents with the 'adventurous eaters' basically give their kids the fruit pouches, crisps, baby biscuits throughout the day.

I have loads of relative in Argentina and I visited them for a month.

I was amazed at how they take their babies and kids out with them in the evenings to restaurants and concerts etc. They take sleeping bags and pillows and it was normal to be eating and kids may or may not eat with the adults but then were tucked up snoozing soundly on the floor and on benches all over the place. I thought it was brilliant and the kids seemed to very well balanced individuals too.

As for the food, that is poor. The kid needs proper food.

Also, I find my SIL is the same, my approach is not to spend too much time with someone who has different standards to me.

OP you will get the usual type of responses on here which will tell you you’re wrong to judge etc, but for what it’s worth I think it sounds like you are an organised good mum who wants routines and predictability for your DC. Whereas SIL has older kids (although her youngest is the same age as your oldest) and so she is in a different phase of parenting to you. But I would say I think she is not parenting well. They sound a bit selfish and not thinking about the best interests of their kids.
So my opinion would be that you aren’t wrong here!

Haven’t voted because I don’t think either of you are right. I think you could both be taking some tips from eachother- you to be a bit more chilled and realise it’s ok to break the routine sometimes, and her to make sure her DC get enough sleep and a healthier diet.

You both parent very differently, no one is right and no one is wrong.

I mean I agree but if a MNer said they fed their 3yp crisps and biscuits for lunch they'd be torn apart!

I'm with you...my priority was my baby/toddler's wellbeing. They were so much happier, well rested and slept better when we stuck to our routine. This was at a sacrifice to our lifestyle, but I didn't mind and didn't view it as any sacrifice. We did get comments when we didn't take them to late family parties etc. Now they're older we can be spontaneous again.

This only works if you don't have to work though.

Most people have to get their kids to nursery by 8am... Hence routine being important.

I think it depends what works for each family really - and different children are different - my second found naps on the go harder than the first so was slightly more rigid for her. Ideally you would have a balance where some things and exact timings can slip if need be, but your child wouldn't be up until 1am. (although I find this easy- since I have been a parent I've never wanted to be up until 1am)

In Asia, there are no set routines for children's bed times. The family wakes and sleeps as pretty much a unit and the only routine is imposed by work and school timings and the particular needs of the child. OP mentions that her DB and SiL live overseas and so western european norms may not be followed. People may be eating out late with their kids but even by Asian standards, 1am is bloody late.A total lack of routine and discipline with the diet is really setting the child up with bad habits for life.

You both parent very differently, no one is right and no one is wrong. Therefore no one should be commenting on the others parenting.

I went on holiday with my friend who had a very structured routine, whereas I was didn't have a routine. We both respected the others parenting and made sure we accommodated everyone when making plans.it worked beautifully